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Sometimes the line becomes blurry between rocks and unicorns

And I am back. Wow! Just Wow. What an insane trip. I think the best way to break it down is start from the beginning…

Thursday

3:30pm- Woke up and started getting ready.

6:30pm- Picked up Justagirl and Gingermandy

7:00pm- Dinner with the girls and Chocolate bear, where we discussed and decided on going as Special Olympic Athletes for Halloween this year. Actually, it was a toss up between that and track suits. Any time I can wear a helmet and point to myself while saying “Ima numba one” while trying to order a drink, is tops in my book.

10:00pm- Hit the road for D.C. Girls and Winston slept while I cranked it up and with 2 sugar-free Red Bull and Ritalin1

Friday

9:15am- Walked into my apt in NOVA.2

10:00am- Finally laid down to get a few hours sleep before I had to be in MD for an interview.

10:05am- Received a call stating that my interviewer was sick and I had to get there before 2pm in order to lock this down.

11:00am- Was on the Orange line headed into town.

1:00pm- Walked into the interview and was presented with a Wonderlic Test.

1:12pm- Finished the test and went cross eyed and thought I saw a Care Bear across the street dancing with a band of gypsies.

1:15pm- Interview commenced. Tried to keep my head together as the Care Bear across the street was ripping his own head off. “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything’s far away, everything’s a copy.”3

2:00pm- Back on the bus headed back to NOVA, all the while this thought was ever present; “I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I’d never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. “4

4:00pm- Walked into the Apt and felt like killing anything that moved suddenly.

4:15pm- Finally laid down for a nap. “If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”5

4:45pm- Was back up and at it. “Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction… “6 Yelled at my sister to get me a beer and “get dis bitch crackin”

5:00pm- Picked up What a Grand World from the bus stop, while taking out a curb in the Lincoln. Perfection.

5:15-8pm- I am unclear as to what happen during this time frame, but I know we did something. A little fuzzy. I know wings were involved because I remember the blood bath that was Just a Girl tearing up some wings. Like Woah.

8:10pm- On the train to Recessions. Just a Girl and Gingermandy were beating each other while What a Grand World was taking really creepy pictures of us.

9:00pm- Joined everyone at Recessions and the karaoke began. I do remember N’Sync was preformed by all the girls. That or I have been having some really fucked up dreams.

11:00pm- Headed back on the train, almost had to wreck some drunk asshole. It was a mess.7

12:30pm- After getting lost, we finally made it home.

Saturday

10:00am- Woke up and got the party started.

10:03am- Heard Gingermandy puking in the bathroom something fierce.

10:15-1:30- rehabbed the girls with some food and coffee.

2:00pm- PQ came by with Shine and picked up the girls to go shopping and get ready.

3:00pm- Went to Dogfish Head brew pub for the Florida vs. Arkansas game. May have drank a few beers?

Somewhere around the 3rd quarter of the game- The bartender changed the channel during a critical play. I may have8 politely asked the bartender to change it back9. At this point it was necessary for me to pay my tab and get the hell out, before I was politely asked to leave.10

7:00pm- Got ready for #pbandtuna

8:15pm- got to U street and wandered around all lost and shit. Good thing I ran into What a Grand World or I would have been screwed. There were even APB’s out on Twitter for my where abouts.

8:30pm- Finally made it to Stetson’s and rock out all night with:

12 Minds, A, Alice, anoukange, B, CavyCleveland’s A Plum, Deutlichdmb5_ libra, DMBosstone, Dysfunction Junction, f.Bflippy, Ginger Mandyjenniferalaine, JerzeyGrrlJP, Just A Girl, KassyK, Katertot, Katie RoseLate- Night Drama Queen, Lemmonex, Lusty Reader, M (Only One Way Down), Malnurtured SnayMarie, Maxie, Mr. 5280, Pithy Comments, PQ, Rachel Smiles, Restaurant Refugee, Shine Out Loud, Suburban Sweetheart, thebestmichelle, Urban Bohemian,and last but certainly not least, What A Grand World.

During this time I had a blast. Gifts were giving, booze was drank, and sombrero’s were worn. Insanely good party.

1ish am???- Made my way home.

Sunday

There really was no time line here, cause I was way too hungover to make it back to U street and join everyone for brunch. In fact we went and got a burger and a coffee. Watched movies all day and just relaxed. I was dying of death.

Monday

4:30am- Hit the road for Orlando. Bombed down a Red Bull and chased it with methylphenidate.

12:30pm- Renewed my hatred for the entire state of South Carolina.

4:30pm- Arrived by at the Honey Comb Hideout.

Tuesday

4:30am- Alarm came way too early.

5:30am- Dropped off Just a Girl at the airport.

6:00am- Went to Starbucks and found the 2 employees sitting outside with a gallon sized coffee mugs. I don’t know how they do it.

6:15am- Arrived at the office to find out I didn’t have my key to get in the building. Cursed the Baby Jesus and waited.

6:30am- Finally got in and cranked up some tunes. I am not really sure how people function this early, but I do like the freedom and personal space it allows for.

Anyways, I am totally waxed and have to recover from the helluva weekend that was done, so I leave you with this:

“Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think every thing you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.”11

1Having ADD does have it’s advantages.

2I am a road trip assassin

3Fight Club (1999)

4Fight Club (1999)

5Fight Club (1999)

6Fight Club (1999)

7I was a mess. Totally wiped out.

8Fuck yeah I whistled really loud and said some shit

9Before I broke a foot off in his ass.

10Seriously, you should be shot if you try to change the Florida game. Stupid ass.

11Fight Club (1999)

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My Poop Smells Like Poopourri

Well well well…Look who’s back…It’s me, the neurotic DCPrincess

Last time I was here, I was drooling all over Zooey Deschanel because she is absolutely amazing. But today, I want to talk to you about something else.

I just wish I knew what that something else was.

See, I get all excited when someone says they’re looking for guest posters, jump the gun and then when the time comes, I have shit to say!

That’s it.

Let’s talk about shit! (Lexa, you might wanna skip this one)

See, I just spent 5 minutes of my life talking about pooping with the two sexy bitches I live with…and I think C is going to steal my pooping pose*. I’ll cut her if she does!

*ahem*

Speaking of my roomies, when I moved to this house, I discovered something AMAZING. You should definitely use it for your stinkiest poops**!

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

So…poop. I’m sorry but does anyone else love taking a shit as much as I do?

Is that not the sexiest sentence you’ve ever read***?

I could end the blog here and let the shit hit the fan.

Why are women so afraid of pooping? Or talking about pooping?  Also, am I the only one that likes to take magazines/books into the bathroom when I know I’ll be there a while? (I meant the ladies…We know guys like that). At my parents’ place, I used to have magazines and books stacked up in the bathroom closet just for that purpose.

Sometimes though, I forget that the poop is done and just sit there on the toilet reading. What?! The books I read are GOOD! I forget about my butt sometimes…though I’m not sure how because it is HUGE.

The worst though? It’s the period poop.  Come on ladies…You know what I’m talking about…You have those awful cramps, the pain killers aren’t doing anything and you know the only way you can get a tad bit relief is by pooping. It’s painful, it’s frustrating and it sometimes ends up being the ‘ghost poop’ but it is oh so glorious.

Speaking of which, my cramps are getting worse…Oh, I should go before I fart in here and stink up JP’s home for the next guest.

*I may demonstrate at LiLu & Maxie‘s wedding if I’m persuaded (re: drunk) enough.

**From their FAQ on the site:
Q: What about the gas that escapes?
A: While the product works great at eliminating bathroom odors, it is designed to trap and neutralize odors IN the toilet. If you experience residual smells due to gas, we suggest you spray Poo~Pourri lightly in the air after using the restroom. Be careful, oil overspray may cause slippery surfaces or damage to materials.
Q: What about floating waste matter?
A: By the way, this is the most commonly asked question by guys (go figure). Yes, it works great on floaters because as they penetrate the film they are coated. When they surface they are encapsulated with Poo~Pourri eliminating potential bathroom odors. No need to worry. (Heh, they said penetrate)

***Try not to faint from my sexiness guys. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

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Come on, go for the extra point!

If you follow me on Twitter you know bits of the story,so here is last night all rolled up:

Most weekdays I enjoy a nice ride on my bike. I typically do about 10 miles on several pre-planned course through the town. Yesterday was no exception, although I got a wild hair and decided to go for the long 17 miler. I have done it many times and really enjoy it. Seeing how I will be out of town I figured, why not go for it. Well, this is why:

  1. I cannot find the mouth piece to my camel back system, meaning no hydration.

  2. The head winds last night were like 15-20 mph and a total pain.

  3. It was still 90 degrees outside.

So, I headed out because, well, lets just say a clean system, bored mind, and lack of sex, can lead any man to do stupid things. I am no exception. Everything was going fine until…

  1. I was on mile 13 and can flying around a corner, power sliding around it, and popped my back tire. The slide was wicked awesome and I should have gotten a high five for it. Like in the movies kind of power slide, where you think the dude is going to wipe out, but totally doesn’t.

  2. With the tire completely flat I was 4 miles from the house and decided to just suck it up and walk it off. Well, if you ever have rode long distances on a bike, you know your legs are like a combination of Goodyear and Elmers. As you walk, you notice your legs are all wobbly and your are moving at a snails pace.

  3. Not kidding, took me like 30 minutes to walk home bike in tow. Pain in the ass.

  4. Get to my front door, turn the handle, FAIL! My roommate locked the door as he left. So, there I was, bike, sweat, dry mouth, and a locked up house. What did I do? Of course I threw my bike and said everything the U.S. Navy had ever taught me.1 My neighbor, who does not speak English (who is very hot btw) is just starring at me. I wave and say, “hola” and she waves back.

  5. Find a knife in my car and proceed to use the skills I acquired back in high school.2 Got in and guzzled a gallon of water.3

So, as I processed all of what had happened over the past hour or so, I decided I was too tired to be pissed. Seriously, I felt defeated.. Like Jonathan Phillips punted my goods for the extra point. I did text my roommate and tell him about the events and that basically he was a dick, but I wasn’t mad, but I should be. Oh well, I will make him drive me to the airport at 5:30 am on Friday as retribution.

1No, I was not in the Navy, but I would assume they have a very descriptive vocabulary for the profane.

2I went to a very ghetto public school. I learned how to break into houses and cars in my shop class courtesy of my class mates. Good skill to have when you lock yourself out.

3I really wanted a beer and a cigarette at this point though.

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Donkey Kong doesn’t even know the scope of how on it is.

First off, sorry for laying the heavy post on you yesterday. I needed to get it out of my system before it ate me alive. Now, on to more pressing issues…

Okay, I will be MIA all next week because my calender is stacked full of insanity. I have like 3 dinners to go to, girl I have been seeing is leaving, a wake, a funeral, road trip to my house, a job interview to rock out and a Happy Hour to crash; hosted by the ever sexy Lexa and LiLu an the awesome Restaurant Refugee. Don’t forget to tip your servers!

Hosted By Lexa, LiLu, and Restaurant Refugee

Hosted By Lexa, LiLu, and Restaurant Refugee

So, if you want to catch up and chat with or hell even meet with, yours truly, come on by. I will be reprezentin in full effect that night. Hell, we may even do some puma hunting. So, come by and lose your face! Don’t worry, you can aways plead da 1, 2, 3, 4,  FIF!!!

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My life does not suck

Very random things happen to me on the regular. So much so, that I do not think twice when something “questionable” pops up on my radar. Last night was no different. I received this text message at 7:45 last night:

“Hey whats up? You probly don’t remember me. We met last month when your friend was “cougar hunting” Would you be up for a drink?”

Me: “I can’t say I do. Which friend and where did the hunt occur? I may be available.”

Her: Haha. Started at Dexters, then failed attempt at Circa, then Fids. I was the youngest blond from MI who drinks whiskey.”

Me: LOL! I remember you. Yea, I am in.

Ladies and gentlemen I met this girl during an epic battle with beer fest as highlighted in my Back to our regularly scheduled program post. This girl was totally awesome to hangout with, so I was totally in. Told her to meet me at the wine place and hit the shower.

Now, it can be very daunting to anyone who is going to meet up with someone that you met, when you basically drank yo’ face straight off. I remembered she was beautiful and blond, but that’s about it.

Wow! My memory was really fuzzy! This girl was 100% my speed. 5’3″ thick in the right places, blue eyes, blond hair, and very well dressed. Walked up and was greeted with a beautiful smile and a hug. *Bam*Sat down and we both ordered a beer. In fact she was like, I am going to try the watermelon beer, because it sounds interesting. *God, I hope you are not effin with me*

The conversation flowed. In fact this was a model date. Relaxed, interesting vibrant and intelligent. In fact, this girl is what I needed. She attends med school in my home state and is 9 months away from graduating. Is in town doing one of her last rotations and called me because she had fun, last time we were out.

We moved onto another bar and the tone and relevance of the conversation kept up. There was no trying and it glorious. We decided to call it a night, because we both had to show up to work and I walked her to her car. Opened the door for her, leaned in, and kissed the softest lips I have ever felt. Full, luscious, and unadulterated. What.A. Kiss! There is nothing worse than going out with someone and having a great time and then you kiss them… FAIL. Not with this girl. Like the entire evening, it was epic.

We parted ways smiling and making plans for a reunion tour later this weekend, both tinged with a bit of blush.

One the way home, I decided I needed to pick up some items from the 7-11 and who do I see? My old surfing crew from the mid-90’s! Awesome! They invited me back to their place for a beer and I obliged. Got back to their joint and I regaled them with my tales from the evening. I received several, well deserved, high fives. During this time, I received a text that read “Had fun tonight, call me soon.”

Just when I thought it couldn’t get better, as I am leaving, my friend Bonnie, who I have always had a crush on stopped me at the door and said; “I was worried about you back in the day. Worried about the kind of man you would be. I like what you have become and I am proud that you are not only a gentleman, but a success in your own right. I know you had a rough time when you were younger, but you have overcome.”

Wow, that just happened. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek thanking her for the kind and passionate words.

Got in bed around 3:30 to be woken up by my alarm at 6:55 am. Smiling. Hell as I write this, I have a grin.I am going to play the lottery today.

EPIC!

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Postponed

Today I had a really great rant about how DC does not love me, as much as I love her. However, in light of the Red line accident last night, I have decided to postpone this post until tomorrow. I hope all my friends and their family are safe. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. See ya tomorrow.

JP

P.S. If you want to laugh at a douchebag, check out Moog’s contest over at Mental Poo. I receive honorable mention, because I am awesome!

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How could you do this to me?

Dear Hollywood,

I have a serious issue with your recent bout of laziness. You have taken my beloved cartoons, super hero’s, and comic characters from the 80’s and made them into film. I admit, you have done a few good things with the films but others, not so much. Let’s look at some good things you’ve done: Iron Man, Transformers, X-Men, and most recently Star Trek. But, there is some down side to your non-existent creative license.

Now, think about this, there has been copy catting going on for quite some time. Look how the Power Rangers ripped off Voltron; this was strike one. Then came the endless Spider man series, yes it was cool at first, then it killed itself with a love story. This is where I really noticed the trend of the re-make sequels. Where is the originality? The spice of life that is not previously based off a book, earlier movie, or cartoon/show?

You may be thinking, JP what in the world are you going on about? Well folks, I was at the movies the other day watching Star Trek (decent enough) and I saw the following preview for G.I. Joe, my American childhood hero:

What the hell? Bionic suits? Where the hell did the real hero’s go? Why did Hollywood rape G.I. Joe? Did the maker of the Crystal Skull get another job? Seriously! This is the G.I. Joe I remember:

Hollywood, the He-Man movie “Masters of the Universe” circa 1987 with Dolph Lundgren, does that ring a bell? Everyone should have learned a cinematic lesson from that abomination. For those that forgot:

Oh, did I mention that a new He-Man movie is set to come out in 2010? Yea.

So, could everyone with a camera just stop! Stop your non-sense. Be creative or at least do it old school and get totally bombed and just come up with anything. It would most certainly be better than this bullshit you call a movie. Also, before I forget, I swear to Baby-Jesus, if you screw around with the Thundercats, I will personally kick everyone in the credits, squarely in the balls!

Stop and desist,

JP

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