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Monthly Archives: November 2009
Today, we need to discuss something that plagues both males and females when out and about on the town…this guy:
The creepy bathroom attendant! This guy or girl depending on where you are at, is lurking in the restroom to soap your hands and give your towels. On top of that, they try to sell you goods and various items for your consumption… out of the fucking bathroom. Seriously guy, you want me to buy your nuts after I was just handling mine? Piss off!
Though, its not the items sold or how they pressure you into hygiene. It is there blatant lack of respect for man code and their request for a tip afterwards. Lets review for the ladies out there who may not know a few key points of man code in the bathroom (or those that think man code is lame):
No urinal shall be used when the adjacent urinal is in use by another man. Exemptions: At sporting events where there are not enough urinals or there is a line, adjacent urinals may be used.
In the event that both outside urinals are occupied, this is a good time to check hair for balding spots, scratch itchy regions, tie shoes, or check voicemail. Do no, repeat, do not, use the middle urinal unless there is a line.
When entering a bathroom with several urinals (4 or more), and one of the end ones is in use, use a urinal no farther than 2 away for the occupied urinal, but never adjacent too it. Standing too far away communicates a fear of male genitalia, which can be construed as overcompensation for the appreciation of other men.
When using the urinal, do not speak to another man or begin a conversation. It is acceptable to continue a previously started conversation, but only if the other man continues it, and subjects are limited to sports, girls, evening plans, and food. If the other man lets the conversation drop, you are obligated to do the same until use of the urinal is concluded.
When using the urinal, keep your eyes on your own equipment or the wall immediately in front of you. Failure to comply will result in the loss of man status.
Upon completion of the urinal use, zip up at the urinal before turning to face anyone else. Previous conversations can re-start once the zip up procedure is completed. NOTE: if another man fails to zip up, it is NOT helpful to point out his mistake. Allow him to realize this on his own; do not make awkward comments or focus on the unzipped region.
Speaking is allowed if required, such as the circumstance of standing in line at a ball game and needing to communicate who is next. However, if possible, insert awkward head nods, grunts, and other non verbals wherever possible.
When using the sink, it acceptable to continue a conversation. Even here however, it is not the appropriate time to begin a conversation. You’re in the bathroom, why would you be talking?
That last one, why are you talking? That applies to all in the bathroom, including you creepy bathroom guy. There is no need for me to buy any of your shit, nor is there a need for you to soap my hands and pass me a towel. I am not a cripple and I sure as hell don’t want to talk to you. Oh, you want a tip too? Here’s a tip, get the fuck outta my way or I will beat your ass for being lame. Seriously, I am sure there is good money in working in a men’s room, but that’s like saying that you are homeless for the tax write offs… it doesn’t make any fucking sense.
To the owner if the establishment, if you have an attendant in the mens room, I will never return to your place of business again. I don’t care if they think it is Klassy in Jersey, it’s not and you should be shot for thinking so.
For the people that still don’t have a clue what I have written about, please watch the video below:
What do you get when 4 assholes dressed alike in tracksuits? That’s right, you get the #tracksuit mafia. An idea months in the making… I would have posted this yesterday, but there were issues. Where do I begin? Well, I guess a good old fashion time line is in order.
- Made a trip to Chocolate bears house and picked up a bottle of Jack, Bushmills, Vodka, 2 Jagers, a Red Bull, and a pimp cup.
- Back to the Honey Comb Hideout for an hour long pre-game.
- Crew shows up and nick-names were picked. I was Micky 4 knuckles.
- The power hour concludes and we roll to our normal spot where we met up with some friends. Our bar tab was dutifully named “the guido’s” tab.
- We did not pay for that tab… someone we met there did, cause they thought we were awesome. Also, there were some really weird guys trying to convince Chocolate Bear he needed to fight in the MMA. It was weird.
- We decided we needed to go to the local strip club, because, well, where else do 4 guys in tracksuits go? On the way there, we were cut off by some drunk asshole that called the big guy a “nigger”. Now, usually there would have been violence in this situation but there was a cop right next to us with some other drunk asshole pulled over. This set the tone for the rest of the night.
- Hit the strip club hard! They were also having a costume contest, which we were convinced we would win… Not really, especially when strippers entered. Damn. We did get on stage and saunter around though. At is at this point where we decided to use fake accents, not on the strippers, but everyone else around us. When asked about my costume, I used the line “sorry, my English, no, so good”. I had several people yelling the same thing they originally said and I did not laugh, instead I went with, “oh, kusstume? Oh da, kusstume! Me gangsta…Bang..Bang, while making a gun from my fingers. It was classic, because they bought into my bullshit.
- Rolled out of the strip club and this is where is gets a bit, um, fuzzy.
- I think we might have stopped off for Jager shots, but I really can’t be certain it was that night. We did end up in a more upscale neighborhood and at this one bar/club where a lot of cougar hunting is done. I decided Jimbo needed to bag himself a couger. Though, every time we go there the bouncer gives us a hard time about the way we are dressed. I am all, “come on bro, tracksuits! You are required by law to let us in.” He did and he shouldn’t have. We walked in and the place was dead. Slammed a single drink and bailed. On the way out I said something to the effect of I hate you or wtf. The doorman just laughed at us. Rightfully so.
- As we are rolling down the street going to meet up with our friend, a truck in front of us was screwing around and it pissed off Chocolate Bear (CB), so he honked the horn. The guy in front of us got out of the truck and so did CB. Me, J, and Jimbo were still in the back watching, as CB can handle himself…except, 3 other dudes got out and approached. So, the 3 of us in the back got out and we were confronted by an entire family reunion. Seriously, 3 cars were behind us and 2 cars in the 7-11 parking lot, equallying 30 about 30 dudes to the 4 of us. By this point I had conceded that I was going to get punched in the face. It was as if the gangs of New York was remade and everyone was wearing Fubu.
- Somehow, we managed to get out unscathed. There was people yelling 5-0 and it might have helped. Regardless, it was something that I never thought would happen. I am so glad nothing went down, cause that’s the kind of shit that ends up on the news.
- We finally made it to our friend’s bar. I walked in and ordered a beer, only to be denied, because we got there right at two.
- Things went fuzzy again and food was involved at some point. It was pretty rough.
- Woke up to see a buffet from Krystals had been consumed and noticed several bottles of Jager empty along with 100’s of beer bottles. Insane.
- Watched the Florida Gators kick the shit out of Georgia!
- Started it all over again. My costume started out as the guy who was too hung over to make a costume, then I switched to being a “transformer.” I start out as a regular guy, then by the end of the night, I am a drunk asshole.
That is the story of this last weekend. Thank you…
 The issue was I was still hung over on Monday and it was vicious.
 Sorry, I really wanted to try something different, but I am too challenged today.
 Think Franky 4 fingers, but more Irish.
 Umm, cause we are awesome!
 All of us would have gotten out of the car and kicked his ass.
 Now, in most situations, the next series of events would have gone way different.
 I am pretty, but I can take a punch or two when needed.