Monthly Archives: April 2009

JP Coast to Coast

Hey guys!  Today I am over on the left coast holding it down for the beautiful Emma James while she is in Ireland. I am a little sad that I am not with her, but someone has to live the life of luxury. So, get yourself over to Pleasure Notes and see what brings JP pleasure.

See ya tomorrow for TMI Thursday!

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JP goes classy

I tried to come up with a traditional review for this classy drink, but just couldn’t put into words. So,  a first on the Gospel, I prepared a photo essay for Francis Ford Coppola’s Sofia Sparkling wine; in a Freakin CAN! With A Straw!!! This was too awesome. Enjoy:

photo-121This is Sofia. The Coppola Vineyard’s sparkling California white wine. 70% Pinot Blanc, 20% Sauvignon Blanc, 10% Muscat Cannelli. In A Freakin Can!

photo-122Did I mention it comes with it’s own flexi-straw attached?

photo-123Yes, I am drinking sparkling wine in a pink can with a straw. 

photo-124Hello, you are not too bad. 

photo-125Oh Shit! How did that pinky get out there?

photo-126Oh yea, things are looking up!

photo-127This has a bit of a kick… Yet smooth and classy. You know trailer park classy.

photo-128This stuff is really freaking good!

photo-130

Why did I even bother with the straw? Oh yea, cause the straw freakin rocks!

photo-133I am sad it’s all gone. 

 

By the way it comes in a 4 pack for like $6 bucks. Go getcha some… for the ladies!

 

(My mom was with me when I bought this and she questioned my manhood. It was quite comical. I think fruity was the term.)

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Not so royal

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During my short break I was able to focus on a few things that I had been neglecting such as friends, family, and cleaning the house. Not big things individually, but combined they have helped me hit the reset button. Like all things any time for reflection is good, no matter what you are reflecting on. It will give you the chance to look back and say, “so thats why.”

This is the case with Avery Brewing out of Colorado. To be honest I am not a big fan of really anything they have released in the past 2 years. I do not dislike them, I  would just rather prefer something else. Now with that said, I was excited to hear they had an Imperial India Pale Ale out for a limited release (March-Aug). I have been on a serious hop kick lately and the packaging really caught my eye.

Here is the run down on Avery’s 22 oz. Maharaja IPA:

Price tag: $8.99 a bottle

ABV: A kick you in the nuts 10.54% seriously I got lit.

O.G.: 1.090 and heavy on the Carmel malt.

IBU: 102 units of strong hops. This was the exact reason why I picked up this brew.

Overall taste and complex: The hops in the brew were gorgeous. I love strong hops. However, what I do not like is when the brewer uses really sweet malts and sugar profiles to jack up the alcohol. Even with the hops shining through, the sweetness just killed me. I think after a pint I started to get a stomach ache from all the sugars. Though I did catch a nice buzz.

On the JP beer scale(1-10), I give this beer a 6.5. Though it was sweet, it was keeping with tradition with the IPA of being a high gravity beer and in this case a very sweet one. The reason I  gave it the extra .5 was due strictly to the hops.

The Imperial Maharaja ale reminds me of Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers. At first you are really excited because A. Jenna is in it. B. It has zombie strippers. C. Who doesn’t like zombie strippers? When you first start watching this movie you are focusing in on all of the elements that makes the movie and really are not to concerned about the outcome. In your brain the parts should equal a great sum. Like this movie, the beer does not hold up to the ingredient hype. Both the movie and the beer (yes I was watching it while drinking this beer) just died off and made me slightly nausea’s at the end. So, if you like sweet and hoppy, this could be your jam. For me I feel the ingredients, much like Jenna, were rode out just too damn long. Like 70’s porn and the pet rock this beer is a limited engagement and as a community we are better off for that.

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Taking a hot minute

Hello, I am still here. But not really. I have tons of things I have been trying to catch up on and figured I needed a break. I thought this last Friday and now it being Wednesday, I felt I needed to get around to it. Anyways, long story short I needed a break. From everything. Unfortunately the Gospel of JP has taken the brunt of this disconnect. Even my tweets have become silenced. Its cool though. I will be back with a vengeance next week reviewing some beers, taking about non-sense, hell I even get to hang out with the beautiful Emma James from pleasure notes.

So, swing back by on Monday and see whats going on. Hopefully by then I will have my work/slacker schedule back on line and ready to post. Cheers and thanks for stopping by!

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Things that make me go ewww

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

Now, here’s a little story I gots to tell about 3 bad brothers ya know so well… Wait, wrong channel.

Welcome to another edition of TMI, tales of the ER. In this episode, JP hits the floor.

I have been reading a lot of poop related TMI posts and the majority of which are from women. In which they go on to tell us they shite themselves. I am slightly disturbed by this because I do not handle poop very well, nor do I handle girls shitting themselves either. At this point you may ask, JP how do you know you are bothered by women shitting themselves? Simple, so this one time at band camp in the ER I came to work and was greeted with a surprise.

I had just come in to my usual shift in an ER that was all of 10 beds, where my friend K (who was really hot) was waiting for me. This always made me suspicious. She went on to tell me that she needed help taking an overdose patient up to ICU, because I had big strong muscles; I am a total sucker for ego inflation. As we were getting ready to take this smoking hot girl who tried to end it with Tylenol, up to ICU, I began to read the chart.

—Quick side note. If you choose to kill yourself with pills, you may succeed. However, overdosing on Tylenol is a horrible way to go. It shuts down you liver and it takes several days to die, if you even do die. Usually, those that use Tylenol end up having to be on dialysis the rest of their lives, thus putting them in a more miserable position than they started off with.—

So, as I am reading I stumble upon the catalyst for the chain of events about to happen. It read, “given 100 grams activated charcoal.” In itself this stuff is really cool and one of my favorite drugs to give. Basically, the carbon binds to toxins. The cool thing about this stuff if it tastes horrible and you have to drink it. When someone is done drinking it it leaves their entire mouth jet black, teeth and all. They always smile after drinking it, as if it was a relief to be through with it. The major down side, sorbitol. Sorbitol is used in sweeteners, rocket fuel, and of course the reason for my look of fear this particular evening, laxative!

This stuff is not your average laxative, it is a sleeper. No discomfort, just about one hour later, pure colonic blowout. As if your colon is cruising down the Hershey highway and has a blow out at 80 mph’s causing it to go careening over the edge of “hold it in” cliff. There is nothing a person can do other than run. Run like the fuzz is coming to give you 99 to life. This particular patient was incompasitated and her bowls were going 100mph’s.

I set the chart down, unlock the bed, and get ready to make my charge towards the elevator when I heard K say, “Oh shit, JP, we have shit. Quick a get a towel!” Me, “get a towel?” I had a gob smacked look written all over my Chevy Chase at this point. Springing to action I grabbed towels and other necessary supplies and come to K’s aid like a knight in shining armor. Then it happened. I saw my kryptonite oozing out of this chick like someone had struck oil. Seriously, charcoal + sorbitol = an ass oil feild. The Exxon Valdez didn’t do as much damage as this 115 lb girl did.

Then something odd happened, something that has never happened to me, ever! I started feeling a bit light on my feet. How you say, a bit peckish. K looks right at me and asks, “dude are you okay? You look a bit, umm, white.” The last thing I remember, I was saying, “naw I’m cool.” Apparently I was not cool and my tan skin turned ghost white, while I braced myself up against the wall. This is the same wall that I decided would get the honor and privilege of having JP pass out on.

Thats right, the site and smell combination of this oil slick shit caused me to pass the fuck out, right at the beginning of my shift. This is a very odd phenomenon, because I had a reputation of being able to tolerate anything, seriously, anything. My weakness was exposed. To be honest I was only out for 5-10 seconds. I was woken by the sound of laughter from my associates, who thought it was the funniest thing they have seen.

After this incident poop smell has triggered a strange reflex in my brain. If I get the smell/sight combination in my brain, I feel my knees begin to buckle. Rotting flesh, puke, blood, or burn trauma I’m your man. Someone that shits themselves and I become as useless as tits on a bull. To this day, that moment of weakness lives on. Any time someone had a poop patient, they would page me. Yea, we were a loving bunch.

So ladies, for the sake of JP, quit shitting yourselves, its just not cool. Next week I may tell about the time my buddy’s girlfriend passed out drunk and shit herself and they called me to the rescue. HA!

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Stoopid is, as stoopid does!

I have been listening to my friends lately about their personal issues and trying to relate them to mine. As I said yesterday, I have had a rough few weeks; however, I am relatively sans serious issue. My ego bruises do not compare to those that have relationship issues (I have had no relations) and I may be broke, but at least I am IRS free (LiLu we will have that John Daly while cursing their first born). In general I am pretty mellow once I got over myself.

How did I get over all the non-sense you may ask? Well, I splurged on a Citizen Cope album after being inspired by FrancoBean’s free verse Friday and I got a bit Stoopid. Hop Stoopid to be exact. I broke down and bought a case of Lagunitas Hop Stoopid farm house ale. Yes, I said it, case! No bullshitting here. I was tipped off about a one case shipment to my local Total Wine and I could not delay. In fact I called the store over the course of 3 days to insure I was the only one to have possession of this item. When I called in, they said they sold out in minutes and had to re-order. I was proud.

Why would JP buy a case of an Ale called Hop Stoopid? No, it’s  not because I like a certain band from Cali, though this brewery is located in Petaluma, coincidence? I think not.

Seriously Stoopid

Seriously Stoopid

Anyways, here is the run down on the Lagunitas Stoopidity:

Special Ordered it from Total Wine: for $4.11 per 22 oz bottle

ABV: 7.7% Mellow, but will surely get the job done after a solid double duce.

O.G.: 1.085 They started off with a solid foundation of hearty malts

IBU’s: 102! Ever heard the term “take the enamel off your teeth?” You can feel the hop oil on you bicuspids! It is rad.

Overall Taste and complex: You may recall me going on about how good this brewery’s Maximus was right? Well, this is like the devil spawn of Maximus. White lacy head that complements the balanced and pale body. It has a citrus pine note that is like biting into a grapefruit, without the Atomic Sour WarHead reaction. It is a very low key IPA, usually to get the alcohol up, a lot of brewers will increase their malt/sugar profile. Lagunitas has shown they can have a ballsy IPA with an insane hop count while keeping it palatable. In fact you can have a few of these with out irritating your taste buds and or stomach; hard feat for a lot of India Pale Ales.

On the JP beer scale(1-10), I give this a 9.9 for the brewery presenting us with a proper India Pale Ale anyone would be proud to be a caught in public with.

This beer is like watching Eva Longoria and Kat Von D hook up! Let me give you a moment to process that statement. I know, just purely unreal. Okay so I too  just had a personal moment there. The sexy vixen of lace and seduction (malt profile)  meets the bold tattooed beauty (102 IBU’s of hops). This is not a voyeurs beer! This is a down and dirty make you and your entire crew blush kind of brew. Now, I have really put this one out there by the last few statements, I know this. I stand by my words.

Now, please realize this is not the greatest beer in the world, by far. However, all of the elements from malt, yeast and hops, this beer has come together very well. Think of it as that real lanky girl that had braces and was shy in high school. You would totally date her and probably even hooked up with her once or twice. Then one day you are in the grocery store several years later with your girl friend and up walks this beautiful super model. That. Knows. Your. Name. Then you have to ‘splain just how you know that bombshell vixen to your girlfriend; which subsequently gives her a “am I pretty complex” for the next year, kind of beer.

Thank you for your continued support of The Gospel of JP!

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