Monthly Archives: June 2009

Downer Dude

Much like the dreaded Debbie Downer, Downer Dude may bring the general mood of things down a few notches, but things need to be said. The other day I was reading an awesome post by Franco Beans about the Michael Jackson death and the world-wide mourning process. F.B. said, “If you don’t get it, you don’t get it.  There are a lot of people who don’t and I understand that.” I agree with him, because I am one who does not understand.

I come from a very different perspective than most, in fact my outlook is a very “gallows humor” approach. I have been trained to be detached from death and very often laugh at it, because if you don’t it will take you down. The day MJ died, I received several text messages from people who know me extremely well, such as my Sister. The messages read, “Did you hear Michael Jackson is dead?” Me, “Why do I care about the death of an alleged pedophile?” Now, this could be perceived as a hostile statement, but what I was really trying to say is everyone dies and your status is no different. I realize he was acquitted, but I still will never let it go. Any grown man that slept in a bed with other peoples kid’s is suspect.

Why did I fixate on this accusation? Because the only thing that gallows humor cannot protect you from is the death of a child. Unfortunately, I have seen and have been greatly affected by the many tragic deaths of kids; one huge contributing factor of me leaving the trauma center, as it was starting to really affect me in a very negative way. I have pumped on the chest of a 23 y/o male who was struck by lightening, and many, many teenage car accident victims, without flinching. The whole time cracking jokes. A 2 y/o that drowned or was accidentally smothered in their sleep? That will absolutely wreck you.

So why can I differentiate between child death and other death? Simple, it has to do with your innocence value system. At what realistic point do you consider innocence lost? Is their a definable cut-off? The answer for me is yes. When one can make and be held responsible for their actions. My line is around 14 or 15  when the desensitization sets in for me. How does this tie in with MJ? Simple, anyone who challenges the innocence of the defenseless, in my opinion, deserves what they get, regardless of their “iconic status,” because at this point, in my opinion, they are irreputable scum. This does not just apply to children, Michael Vick and those defenseless dogs, had me off the reservation angry. All because they couldn’t fend for themselves.

The second issue I have is the general public and the media that feeds their frenzy. Seriously people, MJ was your life? You are lost without him? When was the last time you two hung out and broke bread, aside from that Halloween in the Hills, where everyone was dressed like him? This is not something new. I remember when Kurt Cobain offed himself and they had a suicide hot-line open for his fans that could not cope with the loss of Kurt. Bradley Nowell, Pac, Biggie and many others have had similar demise followings. I. Don’t. Get. This. At. All.

I will mourn my family, friends, and those who lost their lives through no fault of their own. Military, Fire-fighters, and to lesser extent Police Officers, who are out their trying to retain innocence will get my respect and admiration. Hell, I have told my friends and family if they get cremated, I would incorporate their ashes into tattoo ink, so I can carry them with me forever. I am not completely soulless, just very detached. This is why when I watch the news and see people melting down over someone they never met or had a symbiotic relationship with, I don’t get it. I know music and entertainment is fully incorporated into our lives something fierce; however, it doesn’t mean it IS our life.

Yes, everyone should mourn the dead in their own way. Mourning a death, tragic or not, of someone you do not know, I can dig it. Though, if you are on t.v. telling everyone “you will be lost without him” or “he was my life” I am fairly sure you are a candidate for a restraining order at some point in your life. Seriously, the last time we heard from the man was 2001 with his release of Invincible, which is kind of ironic.

This entire post has the intentional tone and hue of cynicism for a reason; that’s just the way I am. My distanced approach to things of this matter, have cost me many things such as sleep, relationships, and the faith that people are genuinely good without question. I agree 100% with Franco Beans, that this man did things for entire groups of people that no one can fathom and I will not take that from him. In fact MTV, Hip-Hop, and various forms of other entertainment just would not exist; though racial boundaries still might.

I guess my conclusion of a somewhat cohesive post would have to be, that I just don’t get or understand people on such a base level. Either my experiences have stolen that from me or they protect me from such connection. I have never understood why people still dress up and believe Elvis is god, nor have I understood an obsessive fan that cries out that they are lost without said person. In my mind, to cherish a performer, or to revert back to the image you have of them, it is far easier to listen to their music and or watch them on film. This would allow one to revert back to the period in time when they were on their game.

Yes, we should remember them for their good, but never forget their bad.

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Chill weekend

Beside from the girl at Starbucks that could not process my order (medium bold coffee), I am coming off a great weekend that was very low key. Here are a few happenings that made it rock:

  • My weekend kicked off Friday, when I received several text messages from various bloggers around the country. These lovely Ladies sent photo of their lovely ladies…. I clearly made out like a bandit! BTW, to those who sent me boob shots*, you are awesome!**
  • Watched Taken with Liam Neeson. Bad. Ass. Flick!
  • Went out with my buddy Jimmy Jamz. Ran into a girl whose friend I may or may not have hooked up with. This girl (bigger than me) comes up to me and is all, “I let you hook up with my friend, you could at least buy me a beer.” Me: Umm, fine if that s what it will take for you to leave me alone, I will get you a beer.” Me to the bartender, “give her one of those dollar PBR’s to shut her up.” Later, same girl comes up to me and says, “Why didn’t you try to fuck me? Well, it doesn’t matter I am not like that anyways.” Me: “Ahh ummm, wha? Yea, I am just a whore.” Later same girl, traps me by the bathroom and tries pulling me into the girls bathroom. It was like wrestling a rhino! Seriously, I was struggling to save myself from this broad. I then decided it was time to break north with no delay.
  • BWP emailed me some porn, chock full of hot tattooed chicks. I love that girl!
  • I received this message on Sunday from Jimmy Jamz: “I didn’t think I had that much to drink, but there are some gaps in my memory and I woke up with the worst hangover ever. I remember being ticked off that Asian broad didn’t pay me any attention and that ex-girlfriend was talking shit about me, then I’m waking up the next morning.” I thought we were pretty mellow about things…. Guess not. Ha!
  • Talk with my friends Down Under and caught up with them while I was getting 3 am fish tacos from Del Taco. Damn those are so good.
  • Saturday my alarm failed me. Woke up at 12:30. It was glorious.
  • Watched the movie Notorious and texted how that slinging crack looked like an awesome job, until he got arrested. She was confused by my statement.
  • Went shopping and spent $75 at the grocery store. Shitty part was no food was purchased. I did have an in-depth conversation with my cousin who is getting married. It was good catching up with him.
  • Get a call from my Sister who went to the NOVA Beerfest. Rubbed it in that I was not there and told me how they had a great time. Sis, if you are reading this, you suck. I love you. Oh, she did say she got new pin-up posters for the apt. Surf art and women is our motif. Awesome.
  • Racked up many hours on Medal of Honor World at War for the ol’ XBOX. No better way to waste time in my opinion.
  • Laid low Sunday and did some shopping. Prepared sone veg for a pot roast in the next few days, which I will be posting the recipe for.
  • It is casual week at work and I have Friday off. So far, things are looking up.

*Please feel free to send any and all boob shots to justjpblog (dot) gmail (dot) com.

**The blogger’s names will be withheld from public record.

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Dating Effectively

Lexa from Culinary Couture guest posted for me a bit ago titled The Problem is You! She had sound advice, as I am sure we all have broken at least 2 of her outlined don’ts. So, how does one advance in the dating realm, effectively? Simple! Dating is a war with multiple battles to win, depending on your objective. Observe.

Preparing for Battle:

  1. What is you ideal age range and within 5 years and be reasonable. Are you hunting kitty kat’s (20’s), Puma’s (30’s), or Cougars (40+)?
  2. What activities should your future partner be interested in? This means things you can do together.
  3. What would they look like? (Best case scenario) Again, be reasonable. Look at yourself first.
  4. What are you really looking for? Boy/Girl Friend, husband/wife, ego boost, walk of shame?
  5. What qualities do they possess? (Personality wise)
  6. What are your deal breakers? THIS IS A NO BUDGE AREA!
  7. What are your best assets?

The Assault

  1. Flirtation- Spot your target and initiate contact, in a non-stalker way. Yea, I see you. Be charming, brief, and sociably approachable. You will know within 5 minutes if you are going to sleep with that person, so this should occur naturally.
  2. Negotiation- A complicated Kabuki dance of exchanging contact information. Phone number or personal email address. Twitter and Facebook are not acceptable forms of communication, but an acceptable way of doing a “background check”. A traditional 24 to 72 hours of silence is customary, then you drop the hammer and rock out. Plan your assault for a Tuesday if possible. This way you avoid being associated with a bad Monday and you are still early enough in the week to beat the friends out for their time. Be very clear that this is a date! You do not need more friends.
  3. Interaction- Welcome to the big show! The key to this is to smell good, lose your self in the moment, be confident and look interested; but not anxious or desperate. This is the most important kind of interview you could go to, I mean depending on your goals, you are possibly looking for a life partner. The initial interview is critical. Why not take a refreshing approach to this and break taboo’s. During this time you should ask about past relationships and why they didn’t work, history does repeat itself. Ask about ambitions. Discuss life goals. Housing situations. Education obtained. What kind of work are they in*. The goal at the end of the date is to know if you are compatible.

Pre-Date, Pre-Game:

  • Clothing- Do you have your sexy thong on? Does it flatter your strong points and hide your weak points? Are you dressed to handle the date?
  • Funding- Have you properly budgeted for this outing. Take dinner for example: if you go to a decent place you are looking at $30 a person for the main course only. This does not include cocktails while waiting for a seat, an aperitif drink, appetizer, dessert, and a digestif drink. Tip like you are a rock star and let them see you do it. If you are a scrooge on the tip, it says you are a deadbeat now and will always be. Then, you go and do what you had planned. Always take cash with you. I can’t tell you how many times I have been caught by the “we  don’t take cards” at a place. It is embarrassing to both you and your date and make you look unprepared.
  • Transportation- Is your car as clean and good smelling as you? Full tank of gas? Do you know where you are going? What kind of music is loaded in the deck, will it fit the mood for the ride to where ever you are going?
  • Hygiene- Showered, smooth, and hair did? Is your grill gleaming? Do you have mints?
  • Availability- Have you cleared your calendar? Told your friends you will be out? Have you lined up the “bail out text” which should be scheduled for 45 minutes within the first point of contact? Is your ringer set to silent?
  • Housing- Is your place clean? Are your roommates (parents) gone? Have you cleared all incriminating evidence such as the midget stripper porn? Are you sheets freshly washed?

If the items above are followed, as simple as it seems, your dating life can be successful! Lets face people are whacked and so are you. If you have a game plan and stick to it, it can reduce the non-sense and allow for a more memorable and pleasurable time. If you do follow this plan, please email me with your results. Cheers and happy hunting.

*Never open a conversation with “what do you do?” It is offensive because you are implying that what a person does for a living, defines them. I always respond your mom, but thats just me.

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Going Down The Hard Road

Dear District of Columbia,

Lately, I have noticed that you are not showing me the kind of love and respect I have been throwing your way. I have been trying to hold you close to my heart, but just like every relationship I have had, you keep breaking it. I love everything about you from your tattooed walls, to you public transportation system. Lets be honest, I drive an hour and half, round trip, everyday. I ride on your Metro system and you get me where I want to go. I can walk your streets; this is no meager task. I cannot walk to anywhere, where I am right now. I love many aspects of your life, culture, and symbolism. I am a Washingtonian to the core. I wave my flag proudly.  Yet, sadly, you continue to crush my very soul. All I want to do is work and play with you. Though, you prevent me from this. Why am I so downtrodden with the current state of affairs? Papa needs a job and you are simply keeping your proverbial legs closed.

Recently, I received an email, from a potential employer (PE) and this is how it went down:

PE: Good afternoon JP, Thank you for your interest in our position of Program Coordinator at a really kick ass place, that doesn’t really pay well, but the benefits rock. If you are still interested, we’d like to set up an interview for you here at the kick ass place. Please let me know of your interest and availability over the next 10 days. I can be reached via e-mail or telephone. I look forward to hearing from you.

JP: Good Morning PE, Thank you for contacting me, as I am still very interested in the Program Coordinator at a kick ass place. My 10 day availability  to come up and meet with you, would be on Friday June 26th or any time during the span of July 1st-3rd. Please feel free to ring me at 1-800-JP SEX U UP to discuss our possible appointment. Thank you for your time, JP.

PE: Hi JP,Where are you located? We couldn’t determine that from your resume. You have a local address, but it looks as though your current employment is in a swamp or the Tropics.

JP: Hi PE, I am currently in the swamp lands at the corporate offices that resemble the following. My other office is located on a really long beach in the tropics, which I have just returned from. My D.C. address I have had and have been paying for since August 2008; I am very eager to relocate to D.C. and remain.

PE: Hi J (she shortened my name), Thank you for following up. Right now we are focusing on local candidates only. Do you plan to relocate permanently to the area or is that dependent on a new position?

JP: PE, My intention is for permanent relocation to the D.C./Northern VA. area. I have already established a residence, but cannot move until I obtain employment in the area. It has been quite challenging doing so. In fact, half of my belongings are already in my apartment in D.C. If you would like, we could have a phone conversation to discuss my situation. I would love to have the opportunity to join the kick ass team. Thank you, JP

As you can see, I have had a difficult time with this institution. So, I called my Sister and told her the above story. She promptly reminded me of my Starbucks dating policy. Let me splain, if you just start dating someone, take them to Starbucks and listen to what they order. The more complex and convoluted, the bigger pain in the ass they will be in the long run. This applies to the potential employers as well, let me splain.

I originally called and left a message, she never called back. Drop a follow up email, instant response. I get it, you are not a phone person. I get the silly emails about not being a local yokel and decide I needed to splain my situation. Ah, *67 works and I get her on the phone. So, Stone Wall Jackson gets on the phone and tells me, “Only local applicants at this time.” Thanks. This reminded me of the local surf spot I grew up at, where a strict locals only policy was in place.

So, lets recap for a minute. I am cheap and easy. I can have my ass and my things up in the Metro area in 2 weeks, flat! Seriously, my salary requirement, is a min of $42,000. Hell, there are members of congress that spend more than that a year on coke and whores; hell even more than that! I am self directed, hard working, and I really could care less what you have me do.

All I am saying is embrace me as I have embraced you and I will do my best not to burn the place down.

Thank you for your time,

JP

P.S. Even though I am kind of complaining, just getting the email back, knowing someone saw potential, really made my day. Now, please enjoy as the  Hilltop Hoods explain how I feel:

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Postponed

Today I had a really great rant about how DC does not love me, as much as I love her. However, in light of the Red line accident last night, I have decided to postpone this post until tomorrow. I hope all my friends and their family are safe. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. See ya tomorrow.

JP

P.S. If you want to laugh at a douchebag, check out Moog’s contest over at Mental Poo. I receive honorable mention, because I am awesome!

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Good times

I just had a solid weekend. No real non-sense, in fact no non-sense at all. It was peaceful and reflective. Here is the top 10 highlights of this past weekend:

  1. Friday night I changed my spark plugs and brakes on my car. Now, I know this does seem like a fun thing to most, but it was nice to get lost in a project.
  2. Went swimming with my dog. He loves the water, the little psycho.
  3. Watched disc 1 and 2 of HBO’s True Blood season 1, as recommended by LiLu.I am now hooked.
  4. Boxed up more of my stuff in preparation of my “cannot happen fast enough” move.
  5. Talked with my sister for an hour discussing a variety of issues, such as the upcoming Northern VA Beerfest. I may even be there, if a certain phone call goes well today.
  6. I made a killer pot roast (while listening to Wu-Tang Clan); which I will eat the rest of the week. I love left overs.
  7. Caught up on sleep. (this should be at the top, but there is no real order here.
  8. Went to Sat. 5 o’clock mass. I had to laugh at the little old Hispanic lady that starred at my tattoos and refused to shake my hand as I said, “peace be with you.” #failedatchurch
  9. Got a random phone call from Australia and a text form Maryland. I love random communication from beautiful girls. You know who you are!
  10. For once I actually looked forward to a Monday, or at least the start of the work week.

Well, off to do offical type things. Enjoy your day!

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WRW Edition of TMI Thursday

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

Today’s post is sponsered by procrasination. I was out with my best friend last night and had no time to write out the one I wanted to do. That, and work is still kicking my ass. So I had an idea to blend 2 of my favorite posting days into one; TMIT and WRW. Plus, I seem to have a lot of phantom readers.

So, if you read this today, no matter if you are a seasoned vet or not, drop a comment. I very curious to see who is out there.

Without further interruption, I bring you the Gospel of JP’s Would you Rather fetish edition*:


Receive oral from an 80 y/o sans teeth?

or

Receive a golden shower from a crack head?

Enjoy kids!

*Please note this author has tried neither items listed above.

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