Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Hi everyone. I’m Emma, from over at Pleasure Notes, jumping in for JP while he’s off suitable celebrating graduation. Since it’s TMI Thursday, I guess I’m jumping in with both feet and a deflated life preserver. This will most likely be the one and only time I write a TMI post anywhere. (Please note the lengths I’ll go to for JP. Hell of a guy, this one. Thanks for the invite, babe.)
I’ve worked very hard to block out each and every embarrassing moment I’ve ever had or witnessed. I blush, you see, and it’s not in the cute, flattering way – I turn the color of an overused pussy, and my face gets about as swollen too…
Which leads me to my TMI story…
LOCATION: Athens, Greece.
PLAYERS: Me, a 24-year-old virgin… Yes, I’ll pause a moment while you find your jaw and reattach it to your face. Done? Good. Now, close it. Gianni #1, a strapping, 20-something Greek man. Babs, Jan & Linda, my aiding and abetting girlfriends. Gianni #2, #3 and #4, Gianni’s friends – I swear to God, I really do think they were all called John.
BACK STORY: The girls and I were living in Prague, and suffering through the worst winter they’d had in ten years. I was about to turn 25. And, in case you missed it the first time I dropped the bomb, I was still a virgin. We’d decided to go to Greece a) to remember what the sun looked like, b) celebrate my b-day a little early and c) so Linda could see Gianni #4, with whom she’d had a passionate fling a few month earlier. Linda, when writing Gianni #4 to confirm the impending reunion, may have mentioned that she was bringing with her 3 very horny girlfriends who expected to be entertained.
EVENT: It starts on the plane ride to Athens, of course, during which the girls and I consumed 3 bottles of wine we’d purchased at the Prague duty free as gifts for Gianni #4, with whom we would be staying while in Athens.
It was cheap wine. We were poor expats. And it did the trick. We terrorized other passengers until we passed out, and awoke just in time to live through what, in the States, would be classified as a crash landing. The plane was an Aeroflot reject. The seats flopped forward with our bodies. And the pilots got a standing ovation as the plane finally decided to stop doing a Bacchanalian freestyle down the runway. Awesome.
We were still shit-faced.
We stumbled out of the airport, into glaring sunlight, where Linda and Gianni #4 immediately started a miraculous copulation-thru-Levis mash-up. Giannis #1-3 greeted our breasts, then grabbed our luggage and lead us to a Monster Truck while trying not to drown in puddles of drool or knock anything over with their woods.
How could an orgy not be minutes away?
Back at Gianni #4’s flat, and two more bottles of wine later, we’d all paired off. Babs and Jan played shy with Giannis #2 . I role-played a slutty school-girl persona with Gianni #1, a very supportive fan.
This was it – I was not going to turn 25 and still be a virgin. After all, I was convinced everyone else on the planet was fucking like rabbits 24/7, and I was tired of waiting for the perfect moment. Damn John Hughes movies. Poor Gianni.
We slipped away to a bedroom. Clothes came off. Things started getting wet. All was going swimmingly. And then, just as he was about to “shatter my vessel” so to speak, I piped up to inform him – “Oh, by the way, I’m a virgin, so… you know… carry on.”
I’ve always had impeccable timing.
Gianni froze in fear, as his life and 47 babies flashed before his wasted eyes. It took 2 minutes – okay, maybe only 20 seconds – to convince him I was of sane mind and that he should really refocus on the business at hand. He obliged. We then fucked like rabbits. There was blood. The wine served as effective numbing agent. And I got what I wanted. No more virginity. Woo woo!
The next morning, I had a massive headache. And I walked awkwardly for days.
How was the sex? Aw, you already know the answer to that.