The Problem is You

Hey y’all. I am Lexa from Culinary Couture…today I am taking a break from my normal foodie musings to drop some knowledge.

When JP asked me to post here, I immediately decided I was going to post one of my dating horror stories. Believe me, they are numerous. But then, upon some introspection, I realized most of these tales could have been avoided. In fact, they only had one thing in common…me.

Yes, I was the problem. Ladies, you are probably the issue most of the time as well.

Look, I am not one for the blame game, but you have to admit that sometimes us women just plow full speed ahead. We will ignore the signs, lie to ourselves. Well, I am here to speak some truths. You could be doing everything right, but I still have a shit ton to learn. Hell, just because I am writing this here list for you I would never be so bold to promise that I won’t ignore these signs once again. Baby steps, kids. Admitting the problem is the first step.

So without further ado, here are a few things that should send you running for the hills:

  • He doesn’t call you back within a reasonable amount of time: If he likes you, he is going to call. It doesn’t have to be 20 minutes after you leave him a message, but none of this three day bullshit. Stop making excuses. Same goes with email. If it takes him more than 24 hours to get back to you and you have been on more than three dates, probably time to consider your future.
  • He acts like he is doing you a favor every time you see him: If a guy wants to spend time with you, he will do it. He should not make a huge ordeal about how much he had to move around or things he had to cancel for a date. Look, dick is a dime a dozen. If you want to get banged, you can always find someone else to do it. If you want a relationship, the guy should make you feel like you a priority.
  • He has a girlfriend/wife: Enough said. Really, he will not leave her. If he does leave her, you will never trust him and end up hating yourself for dating such a spineless pussy.
  • He spends more time primping himself that you do: That’s just annoying. Guys should smell nice and have reasonably soft skin. Three hair products? Not so much. You are the pretty, pretty princess, not him.
  • He does not have friends: I know the whole basis of “I Love You, Man” was the dilemma of a guy without pals, but it happens. I have dated more than a few men that seem to only have a handful of buddies. Unless he has lived here for less than a year, he should have several social circles and you should meet them within a reasonable amount of time. Friends can really help someone shine…or reveal a dud.
  • He only seems to materialize between the hours of 2-8 am: This isn’t a boyfriend, it is a fuck buddy. That is cool, but don’t kid yourself. You cannot turn a fuck buddy in to something datable. If you think you can, consider yourself dickmatized.

And there we have it, just some of the signs that this guy is not for you. Consider this a public service announcement, a gift from me to you.

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35 Comments

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35 responses to “The Problem is You

  1. PQ

    He only seems to materialize between the hours of 2-8 am: This isn’t a boyfriend, it is a fuck buddy. That is cool, but don’t kid yourself. You cannot turn a fuck buddy in to something datable. If you think you can, consider yourself dickmatized.

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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  3. lunimara grivonelli, you just gave me my new favorite word: dickmatized.

  4. Now, instead of hitting you upside the head, I will just send you here.

  5. DF

    Damn it Lexa! I would appreciate it if you didn’t go around telling strangers details of my personal life.

  6. k8

    I love you for this, darling.

  7. liferehab

    I adore you for this. It’s all so true.

  8. “He acts like he is doing you a favor every time you see him”

    Hell, I hate it when my friends do that. If a boyfriend does, it’s even more obnoxious. Nobody should make you feel like an inconvenience.

  9. bwp

    “consider yourself dickmatized” is the best thing I have ever heard.

    EVER.

    I hope I get an opportunity to use that soon.

  10. the one about doing you a favor to see you really resonated with me. and same with shannon above, i hate it when a friend does this, let alone someone im dating.

  11. “Dickmatized” hahahaha! Love it!

    And all of those so true!

  12. After having read this, I’m beaming. BEAMING!

    We should make this post our home page.

  13. Yeah, I know *all* of these guys. I’m totally saving this post. Love it.

  14. once again, i am in love with you. a lot.

  15. I couldn’t agree more

  16. + 1,347 for “dickmatized”

  17. I will never date a guy who doesn’t have friends ago. Yuck.

  18. Thanks for the guidelines. Now I have a checklist when I start dating you.

  19. Matt

    Pretty dead on here, Lexa. You are wise beyond your years in the way of man.

  20. Holy cow – this was totally right on!!

  21. he should have several social circles

    I guess this hinges on how you define several. Bear in mind that a guys, by their very nature, are likely to have somewhat fewer social circles/networks/webs/etc. than their female counterparts.

    On the other hand, the ones guys do have tend to be a little less, um… what’s the word I’m looking for here?

    Oh yeah. “Fake.”

    Aside from that, I see no need to dispute or asteriskize anything on your list. Happy hunting (to us all).

  22. You are a wise, wise woman.

  23. Jo

    Damn right.

    I’d also add possessive/jealous dudes to the list. It may be flattering at first, but it’s a HUGE red flag.

  24. Peregrine John

    …”dickmatized”?

  25. PJ…please tell me you are kidding.

  26. Peregrine John

    Hey, it’s a new one to me! I’ll be keeping it around, but somehow I’ve missed it until now. Brings to mind the old image of a mustachioed hypnotist swinging a watch. Only not a watch.

  27. “dickmatized” is my new word for the day, which replaced “transactional change management”

  28. huh?

    …………anything at all about his financial prospects Lemon? Does he own a home, or is he still in an apartment at 31? Does he actually have any equity in that home, or is it even paid off? Is he in tons of debt? Credit score (reveals if he is -really- trustworthy).

    Loads of friends? If you meet a guy who has 10 or 12 drinking buddies, you are probably dating a ‘good-time-charlie’ dear. One or two -true- friends, and several aquaintances would be better. A really good man is going to have many married friends, not a camaradarie of several poon hounds.

    What about his parents? If his mom and dad have been married for several decades, this is a very good sign. If he has attempted to live within 100 miles of his parents, this is probably another good sign as it indicates he loves his relatives, and if you marry him, you and the children you two will have will be a relatives.

    Whats his house like? (If he has one). Is it a disaster area? Not a good sign. Does he have 10 different bottles of liquor? Not a good sign. Is his yard neat and kept up? Your kids will be playing on it. Is he involved in his community, serve on any boards, does he do any voluntary work? If he does, he is one of the pillars of civilization. Does he drink too much? Not a good sign. Does he abstain from alcohol altogether? Actually a very good sign as alcoholism is a creeping disease that many social drinkers develop over time. If he doesn’t need to self medicate, there is probably nothing wrong with him.

    You can check out if he has a criminal record, you can run a credit check on him, you can check his driving record all with the state. You’d be suprised how many people out there have willingly defrauded others. This reveals poor character.

    I cannot believe how many women with an education, a profession, and seem to be rather intelligent in many ways wind up blowing a couple of years of their lives with man-children who have less than 20 thousand bucks of net worth at their 30th birthday, drink every single day of the week, have basically no future, and let these same men play them for “sugar mammas” and bitch to the whole world that “there are no good men out there”. Youre either looking in the wrong place, or you aren’t screening them well enough. Tell him -all- about yourself, and insist that he do the same.

    When a woman turns 27 (my opinion) she needs to quit kidding herself. She is running out of time to ever have a family. She probably needs to drop the bars and start looking at real singles organizations and churches and look for men who are *truly* looking for a wife, and openly tell them that when they first meet. Not a guy “who is hanging out with pals” that they hope to “get to fall in love with me”. I wonder how many 40 year old women with nobody (or are just on their umpteenth fuckbuddy) are out there wondering tonight why they never got to have a family despite being pretty, while they see homely gals with strollers and children and a plain, ordinary guy who loves them in tow all the time? Would you friends snicker behind your back if you wound up with an “average” guy who would be a wallflower at your favorite nightspot? Will you care when you are 50 and childless what your friends thought at 29? I think the stats are that 1 out of 4 women never have a child now. These women will be pumped and dumped and unvalued in their middle and late middle ages as (believe it or not) men secretely are much more attracted to females that have experienced natalism for some subconcious primal reason. Men look at childess women past a “certain” age as just useless creatures, and they really can’t even help it. Its not even a concious thing.

    Ladies, unless you are a 8 on a scale of 10, chances are very thin that you are going to get a “hot” guy. Hot guys can have tons of women, and are seldom going to settle down for a woman who is a 6 or even 7, no matter how witty, no matter how sensible, no matter how well she can make house, cook, how socially connected, how “cool”, how cultured, any of that. They are not hard-wired that way. It would impress you ladies if a man was a doctor rather than a nurse, but a man is completlely different. Unless he has financial woes, he actually would -rather-marry a nurse. If you are a 6 (and you are), you need to look for a guy who is a 6 also, and quit chasing guys who are 7’s.

    Sex doesn’t mean anything. How much TIME does he WANT to spend with you? Does he ever mention that he likes kids? Does he ever ask you if you’d like kids someday? Women who marry men and dont have children with those men have -NOTHING-to keep those men around with after a few years. He can get pussy anywhere ladies, and there is nothing special about your pussy, no matter what anyone has told you. Your best bet, after going on about 3-5 dates, is to tell him that you really like him, and that you hope that he likes you to because you are -really- interested in him. No games, straight up tell him that you are looking to find the right man to spend the rest of my life with. If he is not, ask him does he have any friends looking for the right gal. We twitter away our youth “fooling around” folks. After you hit 30 ladies, your attractiveness falls and falls despite the make up, the creams, the plastic surgery (dont). The leverage men have over you increases with age.

    I think that 1 in 4 figure for childless women, is going to get to about 1 in 3. If you factor out the church girls who almost always marry and have kids, amongst coastal women its going to get near 1 in 2. This is pathetic. Its like watching a civilization commit suicide. Youre not in an episode of Sex and the City. You probably dont want to be working when you are 62 because you absolutely have to (take a second and visualize yourself at work at your job at 62 years of age ladies, with no man in your life and no kids or grandkids……………………..see that? see that grey hair? see those wrinkles? Yes, thats YOU).

    Ask a guy where he pictures himself in 3-to-5 years when he takes you on the first or at least second date? If he says “building” anything, or seeing the world, or gathering experiences, he isn’t ready yet. What you want to hear is that “I hope Im happily married to someone who loves me, and we are starting a family 4 or 5 years down the road”. Thats what you want to hear. Second date question, 3rd date question for sure. If you are 28, you would be 33 years old in 5 years. If you are single at 33, every man you meet knows you want a family and believe me can use that against you constantly for sex while he looks for a 26 year old.

    Pep talk over……………………..Im a male, and know exactly what the males think. Happy hunting and good luck

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