Monthly Archives: December 2008

As binding as a pinky swear

With the new year on the horizon, I felt the follow is important to have handy when having others join you at social events. Please note this is an adaptation of a mailer I received from the lovely folks at Camel and can be used for any social situation, not just this evening.

The undersigned agrees that any and all events related to or involving_______________ on the eve of______________ are confidential in nature and shall not to be spoken of to anyone. EVER.

And by “anyone,” I mean any person or persons Not involved, present, or even thought of during said event’s with EXPLICIT emphasis on _______________’s girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife OR authorities of any kind. This also implies your significant other and supersedes all spousal rights.

Acknowledgment of this agreement therefore entitles the undersigned to _____________________.

Failure to recognize this legally binding document will result in_________________seeking compensation in the form of ________________, from the undersigned individual________________.

If compensatory damages are not paid, ______________________’s services will be hired to seek out and destroy _______________’s social and political life/connections in the form of public humiliation and or flogging.

I __________________ Understand that there is no photography, video, or any other recording devices allowed to be present at anytime during the eve of______________. Also, any and all extra persons invited to said event must be agreed upon and cleared by ________________ and ________________.

Signed:________________________

Date:______________________

Witness:________________________

(For office use only)

Approved:________

Denied:_________

Any supporting documentation:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Vicoden

Typically I can handle a great deal of pain, however this time I was not so strong. Next time a dentist armed with a drill and a pry bar asks, “JP would you like to be fully sedated or just Novocaine” and I respond with anything other than “here is my best vein,” shoot me and end my miserable existence. I do not deserve to carry on. As I have said before, I had a wisdom tooth removed from my jaw and I was basically incapacitated for a week clamoring to my bottle of the little white wonderful chemical helpers. So, what does JP do when he is totally wasted and have nothing to do? Thats right, cook up a big hunk of meat!

I had been tapped or volunteered to make the Christmas main dish this year, as I have been chosen in the past. This time I was blasted on Vicoden! What did I cook you may ask? I drop kicked a 10 pound pork shoulder…Boo Yea! Let me introduce you to the 3 day Florida Christmas Cookin’ JP style.

First start out with a fresh 10 lb. Boston Butt and coat with the following marinade and allow to set overnight:

Marinated Pork Shoulder

Marinated Pork Shoulder

  1. 20 cloves of garlic
  2. 6 tablespoons nutmeg
  3. 5 springs of thyme
  4. 6 ounces of quality rum
  5. 3 cups of brown sugar
  6. Dust with sea salt and cracked pepper.

Then next day pull it out of the fridge and get the fire a blazin. At this point being on vicoden and playing with using lighter fluid and matches, may not be the best idea. Oh well. Let it burn!img000581Then get out the trust ax and go swinging away on the closet orange tree to you. Also, add 2 oranges to the wood and squeeze the juice all over the wood. This is where it gets erotic romantic.img00059This is the point in which you need to place the pork on the opposite side of the smoker you intend to use. I prefer to put my meat close to the stove pipe (that sounds really bad). Once you have it all set up, drop those firey coals on top of the wood and oranges.img00060Close ‘er up and and let it go for 8 hours. Every hour or 2 check the smoke level, if it is not coming out at a decent rate, throw some more wood on the fire. It should look something like this.img00061Once it comes off the smoker, shred the meat off the bone (sounds uncomfortable) and place in a roasting plan large enough to hold it. Cover with foil and place back in the fridge. Next day, throw it in the oven on 225 for about 2 hours and it will then be ready to go. By placing it back in the oven, it allows all the fat to break down and re-marinate-keeps everything nice and juicy.

So, unlike cooking the ham, I did not set the house on fire. Matter in fact this is the perfect way for a “stoned” individual to cook a meal. Plus, while I was lounging around I received a killer gift that I had won from a beautiful woman, Lemmonex! Though, I was concerned I may catch her wicked illness via post, kind of like anthrax, but not really…Ah, its good to be JP! Oh and this recipe feeds like 50, so feel free to scale down a bit if your party is not as grand.

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Where do I sign?

I realize I am getting bored with my “daily routine” in that the only routine thing is work, even then it can be a bit sketchy. The travel bug has infiltrated my brain once more, as in I need to bail out for at least a solid month and just get lost in another culture for a while. This way when I return, I appreciate my lifestyle and the things I have (insert something enlightening). Lets be honest, I like to see what I don’t have so that I can aspire to do better, plus any time I can cause some non-sense on foreign soil I am down with. So here are the top 10 destinations that you would likely find JP visiting sometime soon. If you feel I have left a special place out, please chime in:

1. Cuba- Seeing how I dated most of the Cuban females in Florida, it is only right that I drift on down. Its a time capsule of 50’s revolutionary thought and lifestyle. It would give me a chance to work on my Spanish. Plus every time I go to Cayman, I fly right over the island. Each flight I say the same thing, “rum, cigars, cheap eats, and beautiful women, of course the government wants to keep that all to themselves. Bastards!”

2. Iceland-I am a huge fan of hot tubs and this country is one massive tub of hot bubbly volcanic goodness. Added bonus, ice hotels and hot women that have been trapped in doors all winter.

3. Spain- Its Spain, need I say more? Seriously.

4. Moldova- A good friend of mine is from here and his family owns a vineyard. I would like to see what a dissolved lesser known eastern block country has to offer a “gentlemen of question”. I hear the Russian mob runs this joint.

5. United Arab Emirates- What a contradiction. Islamic law and adaptation of western culture? Sure, this is the same place where the dj’s play all night until the call to prayer is heard in the morning. Man-made islands and indoor snow boarding in the desert. I might end up being here for a 6 month stint.

6.  Israel- 3 main religions dispute over this area. It has to be worth visiting. Think about it.

7. Bali and Java, Indonesia- I have wanted to surf these islands since I was 15. I have not changed my mind.

8. Germany- Chocolate Bear has family and friends there; this will prove to make a great adventure guaranteed.

9. Fiji and Samoa- I have also wanted to surf these islands and get a traditional tattoo. The kind where they use whale bone and a hammer instead of an electric gun. Kind of bad ass status comes with that kind of pain. Plus when I was in Hawaii they wouldn’t do it and called me a “howie,” thats basically Hawaiian for “cracker.”

10. Ireland- I want to do a driving tour of my ancestral home land. Take in the emerald isle on my time and really get to see the land.

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Blissful Delusions

My insomnia has been really disruptive as of late, thus ruining countless interpersonal relationships and dialogues throughout my day. I have been a social recluse and a inanimate corpse at the office. Simply put I have been exhausted and everyone has been pissing me off. Especially, the girl in the next office that has been signing Christmas church music at such a high pitch squeal, she would make a pig fall in love and a canary explode. I used to experience this every once in a while when working the night shift, though if I did not have any patients I would crash in the supply room with my pager by my ear. Now as a day walker (have been for 2 years now) I keep having trouble with this sleep thing. But today is a new day and thanks to my special friend Nyquil I feel like a new man. So much that I had the ultimate man dream.

I am sure you are thinking, “JP, ultimate man dream? You are serious going to go there?’ Get you mind out of the gutter pervert! I am talking about the Cadillac of man dreams. The kind of dream that will only occur to men (and some select women) that eat their steak rare, drink their beer out of a can, and have no issue wearing a bath robe to go on a beer run at 7 a.m. when the corner store opens. Thats right, the football dream!

I was number 88 for the Florida Gators and will be immortalized in my own mind as scoring 3 touchdowns during the BCS Championship game. It was magnificent! The first goal was during a kick return which was fumbled and recovered by yours truly, to run it in 20 yards. As I ran in I did this really cool flip/jump into the end zone and celebrated relentlessly. I had the applause and adulation of the entire Gator Nation. It didn’t stop there, on a forth down I pulled down a deflected ball and hugged it so close I thought the ball was going to explode into my chest. I high stepped this one in for 15 yards live and direct into the end-zone. Once in the end-zone I could see my facial expression of joy and disbelief that this just occurred; when playing NCAA on X-Box the players that don’t get the ball that often pull this same face, where the eyebrows are up and the mouth pulls a cheeky grin.

Now, touchdown #3 was the highlight reel moment and occurred right before I woke up. It happened while I was on the offensive line and was a wide- out receiver (some one thought I could run?). I shifted as the count and call went down, as soon a “hike” could be heard I was off. Knowing the play call, I rounded around and watched as Tebow took off and started the lateral play action. Coming around I was blocking for everyone and watched as another player missed the pass. Luckily I was there to grab the ball, placing one hand on the turf, I made the recovery! I took off like a crack-head stealing a 40 from the 7-11 running from the gun wielding Asian owner. As I ran I heard myself yell, “block him, block him!” The slow motion replay feature kicked in at this point and I saw the stud, Tebow, make a huge block for me on the 5 yard line. As I reached the 1, I was hit! Hit hard I might add, but never the less I was in the end zone. Wow, did I ever celebrate! I totally pulled a Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson and picked up a pylon and putted the ball. It was amazing.

As I walked over to the sidelines Bobby Bowden was standing there and said, “Son, that was a hell of a run. Go Gators! I am going to the other bench to see what they will come up with next.” I was amazed; what was Bobby Bowden doing there? Anyways, We were way up like 48 to zero and going for the extra point. At this time I leaned over to Tebow and said, “hey screw this. Let’s go for a 2 point conversion and really stick it to them.” He agreed. Oh No! Wait! Not yet this is the best dream ever!!!

Eye’s fly open, body starts to move, my ears accosted by the sound of Detroit Highlanders bag pipes fill the room. As my feet hit the floor I begin to move in a sort of thrashing manner, kicking and knocking over everything in my path. I am still under the hazy influence of the Nyquil. The whole blissful dream was really a hallucination perpetuated by the Doxylamine succinate. Ah, the joys of over the counter sediative/tranquilizers. It’s going to be a good day.

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I need coffee

For some reason good quality REM sleep and JP have not been uniting in blissful slumber. This may be due to the tooth still lodged in my jaw bone or the many other issues I cart around on the daily basis. Mounting issues pertaining to a permanent domicile and graduate school have really been knocking me about. However, I have not lost hope and this is the season, to see it come to fruition.

Last Friday I was supposed to have the meddlesome tooth ripped out of my skull, but no such luck. I was trumped by another guy who was more apt to express his pain. It was mellow though, I had the day off and they gave me pills. Sounds like I can roll to the work Christmas party…When I called up my boss to get directions, my co-workers were genuinely concerned about my well being. I have to admit, this through me off a bit. Later that evening I rolled into the gathering to be greeted with a beer I brewed 7 months ago! This is from the same batch I sent to Sam that had been cold aging in his fridge. Glorious! So, not bad at this point and off to the next guys house. This is where it became a bit strange and hokey, yet tolerable in the sense that you will watch Ralphie in the “Christmas Story,” you know familiar but slightly annoying. We went around the room telling stories about our favorite Christmas story all of which were heart warming. Then, out of nowhere, my retired Marine Corp. fighter pilot boss, broke out in tears while telling his story. I honestly didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t sad, nor was I happy. I actually took comfort in his passion for the story and how it made him feel.

Fast forward to Sunday. I would like to note at this point I dealt with a lot of self inflicted non-sense the night before and I was totally making the effort to be nice to people. Woke up and was introduced to Roomy#1’s new date/interest, who came with her to church. I have serious issues about a “church date,” you are supposed to worship, not fraternize with a potential suitor. The funny part was her friend from out of town crashed at our place because we were out the night before, so he joined her and her date at church. I laughed all day about this. It’s 11 and I am hungry for some shakshuka, so off to see the Hasidic’s. The date joined roomy#1 and I (I was being very nice by the way) at the Israeli Cafe and I was fairly certain he was not used to traveling with our kind; rolling fresh out of Catholic mass to an Israeli joint is common at our house.

It is at the Cafe when I began to understand that it was my mild hangover that was keeping me jovial. Ha! Not for long. I ate this magnanimous dish of eggs, tomatoes, and spicy peppers, thus snapping me out of my spell. This is the time I realized I did not like the new guy. The Cafe is Kosher and they are very strict! The new guy was trying to crack a joke at the expense of the restaurant’s  Kosher standing; I and roomy#1 were pissed. Fast forward..Ditched the douche bag and phoned a friend convincing her shopping with me would be a fun time.

The friend I convinced to come with me (there was no real struggle) is someone I highly respect and care for; probably the most positive influence in my life. After shopping for a bit, I suggested going to the bookstore and she was in agreement. While there we had a discussion about religion and faith spawning form roomy#1’s situation. Then she asked, “if you had to some up the bible in a short summary what would you say?” I responded the only way I knew, “a good read?” I had been caught and she knew it!

There is a reason I feel this person is the most positive figure in my life for one simple fact, she always amazes me with her kindness and generosity. After calling me on my bull-shit answer, we sat down in the back of the book store, bible in hand. In 20 minutes enlightened  me about the story as no one ever has. I was quite impressed, amazed, and thankful. She seriously took the time to read and point out key stories in a sequential order with explanations as I never heard or picked up on. I have to say this may have opened my eyes to something I have always neglected.

For all the non-sense, pain, and tomfoolery that occurred this weekend, I realize that there are good people out there. People the genuinely care about other for no other reason than compassion. Now, lets be honest for a moment, I am not the most outwardly compassionate or thoughtful person. Border line cynical? Maybe. The one thing I realized is that even with all the crazy thoughts running through my head, I still have an open mind. I am still able to surprise and impress myself. I will be honest, I may be warming up to this holiday season after all. But it took the kindness of special people for me to realize this. For that I am thankful.

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Joys of dentistry

Oh, joyous of joyful days how I love thee. The dark clouds are rolling in, while the wind blows branches into my newly waxed car, just as I step out the door to witness it all happen; I laugh. As I step out of the front door my head is greeted by a swiftly moving screen door courtesy of the lovely “breeze;” I say a soft swear and continue moving. Cruising down the road in my land yacht, I notice that traffic is at a complete standstill; I am unphased. Rolling into work 30 minutes late, only to be welcomed by the very boss I was hoping to dodge; I smile.

I make it to my office and have a seat. Looking around, I notice things are not as clear as they should be. Maybe, is it true? Yes! The pain medicine kicked in just in time (seriously right as I sat down). No more feeling like Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee took turns kicking me in the face. No more having to deal with the annoyingly loud girl next door. I have transcended time and space into a zen world where nothing matters. I am JP’s happy tooth.

Tomorrow ladies and gentlemen, I will not be joining in the fun. Rather, I have made an appointment with a sadist. A professional well paid sadist I might add. One that can can prescribe wonderful little white tablets of joy. O’ happy day, I cannot wait to be cut open and my tooth ripped out of my skull. I imagine it as a Frank Miller graphic novel scene turned movie. A crazed man in a white coat with a pair of pliers, and just as he yanks tooth #32 the black and white screen is strewn with blood. As if it was solid red rainbow of bodily fluids.

Okay, I admit I am being overly dramatic. But truly I have to have a wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow and it will not be fun. At least I get to spend the weekend doped out of my skull.

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Let me peek at your soul

Every once in a while you can get a glimpse of  a persons mentality or even see what kind of human they really are. Our species is self righteous and narcissistic by nature. You might be asking yourself, “JP when can I see what a person is really like, without even having to speak to them?” Well my friend, when someone is placing an order. A more poignant and highlighted example is when someone places an order  at Starbucks. 

I have always touted this theory amongst friends, swearing that I could narrow someone down in the matter of a few seconds. Matter in fact Starbucks is one of my favorite places to do a first date or what I like to call the “interview”. Not because it is just quiet, mellow, and a good cup of joe, but for the pure pleasure of hearing my date say, “I would like.” This simple phrase will surmise what the next few minutes or hours will bring–depending on if I answer my bailout call or not. You can do this as well. You just need to be armed with the proper information. So, for the purpose of enlightenment I will share the orders and the repercussions as I have seen and experienced. **This is referring to females, however the gender roles can be re-assigned with the same effects. This is assuming the date is at night. Please note this is coming from a purely male perspective and all corrections are welcome.**

  1. Decaf Girl- There are a few ways to go with this one. A) Agreed to meet you, but has no further plans for the evening. B) 7th day Adventist; time to bail anyways. C) Recovering addict; just need to push her in the right direction.
  2. Plain Black Coffee Girl- This is my kind of girl. Straightforward, low-stress, and to the point. Knows that the true flavor is to be savored without bastardization. May have many cups in one day. Might hear, “what is the strongest brew you have today” question come from her direction. 
  3. Espresso Girl- Ah, the fun lovin’ European or wanna be culture monger. This is just a side step from the Plain Black Cup girl and may highlight that she works the night shift or heavily addicted. Uses lots of pop-culture references, especially from books. Either way, not an amateur to the game. May mainline smack in her spare time; hold her hand and check the fingers…
  4. Mocha Girl-May not like coffee’s pure form, but ever since her early morning class back in college, she cannot survive without it. May have been a part of a sorority or still in one. May want to discuss her new purse or shoes. For this girl, you may want to check the ID and ask if she is a Jonas Brothers fan. Better indicator of this is to say, Thundercats-if a confused look crosses her face, eject. 
  5. Chai Tea Girl- Mellow. May dislike coffee altogether and say something like, “I enjoy the smell.” Then she may launch into something like, “I always enjoyed the smell of my dads coffee.” Yea, potential for “daddy” issues here. If no such issues are detected, you may hear stories of how she does yoga in order to center her life. As if the mass amounts of ganja doesn’t do that. May not shave! Need I say more? 
  6. Iced Coffee Girl- Is a blending of Mocha Girl and Plain Black Coffee Girl. Fashionable, may be high maintenance, but overall you could look past it. 
  7. Half-Caf, Soy Americano, 2 Sugars, No Fat, No whip, Light Syrup, 145 degrees- Yea, there are people out there that orders this crap. I have no idea what it is and I am betting, the person on the other side of the counter making this abomination, is thinking the same thing. Shoot me! This order is a warning sign that this girl is either supreme high maintenance or psychotic. May want to discuss the newest fashion trends and is concerned with car you drive. Either way avoid at all costs. 

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