Monthly Archives: March 2009

Lagunitas Maximus

Welcome to Hail the Ale…

Today I would like to tell you about Lagunitas’ Limited Release Maximus IPA. For those that don’t know IPA stands for India Pale Ale. Back in the day England had to get good beer to India for their troops the problem was, beer spoiled on the long voyage. But being the clever alcoholics that they are, the English added more hops which is a natural preservative and boosted the alcohol content. Now, this happens to be one of my favorite styles because I am a hop head and love the enamel peeling bitterness of tons of hops. In this case, well its a bit different.

One of the reasons I like Lagunitas so much, is that they place beer geek info on their bottle. They are not afraid of showing what they have:

O.G. 1.080- Not Original Gangsta but close. This stands for Original Gravity meaning how much potential sugar is available for fermentation. (Okay, really short explanation of a pretty complex idea)

ABV 7.2%- Everyone favorite Alcohol by volume. Very straight forward. Oh, your normal beer hangs out around 4.5% -5%

I.B.U. 72.41- International Bitterness Scale Which measures the bitterness in a beer provided by the hops. Lets put this one in perspective. A beer such as Bud is around 8, Corona 12, Guinness around 25-30, a run in the mill IPA 40-50. This one is almost double that!

“Tats, nipple piercing, cutters, burners and hummers. A cold Maximus just makes perfect sense.” I kid you not, that’s what is written on the label!

Umm um good!

Umm um good!

This particular beer is a bit different than a normally super hopped IPA. Most IPA’s that jack up the IBU’s will feel like the hops are eating away the enamel off your teeth or leave a really residual sugar taste on your tongue (Delirium Tremens Trappist ale). This one however has a very soft sugar tone, which is awesome for having such a high alcohol content and the first dose of hops to hit your tongue is mild with a big blast of grapefruit tones at the end.

If I had to describe this beer as a woman I would say she is a full size 9 or 10, good and healthy. Not a spinner and definitely and a porker. She has a thick booty and  proportionate breast. I imagine her with long flowing dark brunette hair and a huge anti-social personality. You can bring her around your friends, but too many and she will start a fight.

For the IPA beginner, I would recommend this beer. It is subtle and palatable enough with citrus tones shinning through from the hops to really bring someone around. I do caution you, this is a damn good beer and highly addictive. Where they get you is the limited release, meaning if you are like me you will need to stock up.

My beer fridge after a run on total wines

My beer fridge after a run on total wines

Like I said, limited release means I had to stock up. Plus I plan on making Hail the Ale a regular feature. So, think of it as market research.

Top shelf booze

Top shelf booze

Next week, Dogfish Head’s Fort brewed with pureed Raspberries. Looking forward to that one! Cheers!

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FYOTD

It is time for the many FYOTD’s. For those looking for the normal JP entertainment, sorry but today is not that day. Instead I am taking it upon myself to give some well deserved shout outs that I have been holding back.

1) To the government of an oil rich desert nation, you are first up. I would like to say FU for thinking the US economy is so weak that you could under cut the working budget and hire Bangladeshi’s at a cheaper price line. I hope your project goes straight into the shitter, as you cannot match US standards while employing non-US contractors. Oh, and thanks for stringing me along since November, appreciated. On a lighter note, whomever did make this deal package,from a foreign policy stand point it totally makes sense.

2) A huge FU to grad school that emailed me to tell me they would email me in 2 weeks to inform me of their decision. What. The. Fuck. Seriously, some one is fucking with me on this. Why on Earth would you mail someone that you have kept in the dark for months, to tell them it will be 2 more weeks. Come on. What is 2 more weeks of silence? This was poor execution.

3) To  the ex-girlfriend who has been thrust back into my life and infiltrated all of my female friends. Huge FU!!! You don’t talk to me for 2 years, then all of a sudden I can’t shake you. You are everywhere! Then, my friends ask, “JP why don’t you hang out with us anymore?” Simple. I am not going to deal with this non-sense. Oh yea, the text I got the other day inviting me to dinner with everyone because your family is in town. FU, because you went that concerned about me meeting them years ago. And good thing I asked who would be at said dinner, because upon investigation I find out your new guy is going as well. Strong work! Invite me to hang out with your family that you were embarrassed to introduce me to in the first place along with the new guy you are dating. All to use a buy-one-get-one free coupon. FU! Oh, yea this is my formal RSVP of, fuck no I will not be there.

4) To the female roomy.  Really? You are hanging with the said offender all the time. Okay, when I said it was cool if you hung out with her, I really didn’t think you would. Now, this is my fault for thinking a woman knew man law. As in, no other man hangs out with his buddy’s ex. At all. No matter what. Women don’t think that way and this is where the battle of the sexes can be strongly highlighted. Seriously, there is a reason the girl and I are no longer together. Why would I want her all up in my shit again? If you are going to live with guys, you must learn the law of the land.

5) To work: Yea, you pay me and I have a job, but come on guys. Seriously can we pull it together just a little? That is all I ask.

6) To the girl my sister reached out to, gave a place to stay, and hooked up a job… FU! FU for pulling some scandalous shit. For blowing up her work spot and causing drama for no reason. To think you guys were friends for so long and you ruin everything or someone you lusted after and only knowing them after a month. Seriously, that is bullshit. Even though you have done nothing me directly, I  still say FU. Blood will always be thicker than water and I can say from experince, Karma is a whore.

7) Last but most certainly not least. ME. Fuck Me! Especially for letting any and or all of the above bother me. For being impatient and intolerant of stupidity. For being a “nice guy” recently and allowing this to go on. A few years ago I would have dropped kicked these people for screwing around. I hear this is called maturity, but I don’t like it. F Me for being a hopeless romantic and wanting someone that it will never work out with. And an even bigger F-Me for having larger than life expectations for myself. I can only accomplish so many things at one time and taking on the everything at once will continue to frustrate me. As I have seen this lesson many times, I still have not learned it. Oh, and finally a huge FU to myself for turning down free Red Sox-Braves tickets last night, because I have to be all responsible at work and couldn’t skip out. I mean who is this guy?

If you have made it this far, tomorrow we will get back to the good stuff. I am reviewing the Lagunitas Maximus IPA and covering the finer points of ale selection. Thanks for bearing with me. Cheers!

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Coming soon!

Okay so today I was going to put a lot of people on blast, but I was distracted by a few things last night. With that said, here is what to expect next week:

  1. On Blast Monday. I will be lighting up certain people that really deserve to have their spot blown up. So, if you have some one you want to blast as well, send me an email and I will add you in.
  2. I will be reviewing Lagunitas Brewing’s IPA Maximus, my new favorite beer of the week.
  3. The always popular TMI Thursday’s will be in full effect! ER style…

Have a great weekend and get into as much trouble as you can.

Laters,

JP

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We drink this stuff like water on the base…

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

“We drink this stuff like water at the base,” were my buddy Mike D’s last word one fateful New Years Eve…

Let me rewind the tape and throw some seasoning on your brain. It was New Years 1998 going into 1999. There were about 20 people assembled; the entire surf crew from New Smyrna Beach and we met up at LB’s house. Our plan, roll out to NSB and party like the rock stars we were, on the beach. This particular evening Mike D was joining us fresh off leave from the Air Force and lets just say, he was ready to aim high.

There was more people than cars/trucks, so being a nice evening (50 degrees in Florida mid-January) Mike D and I rode in the back of Phillips truck. On the way out Mike D and I caught up on things. During the conversation he pulls out a bottle of  Bacardi Limon. For those that have never had this crap, it is a lemon flavored rum that tastes like lemon heads with way too much sugar and that taste you get after smelling rubbing alcohol. Either way, we decided it would be a good idea to drink the bottle on the way out to the beach. This is where it got interesting. Mike D looks at me and with all seriousness says, “Dude, we drink this stuff like water on the base, do you think you can hang?” My reply, “shit ya!”

We roll into NSB about 25 minutes later and I am ready to rock out with my cock out! However, Mike D was a bit more sluggish than I was. He made it out of the truck and kind of stumbles around a bit,  looks at me funny and goes white. He is not having a good day. Crawls back into the truck and yacks all over himself! Like Ol’ faithful, he let it rip. All. Over. His. Clothes. What was a really wasted JP doing at this time you might ask? The only logical thing possible. I was running up and down the beach wearing only cowboy boots with a girl that joined us for the evening.*

Cops came and 3 am rolled around; we all decided it was time to go back to LB’s house and continue the party. Hell, I wasn’t driving. The problem was I had to ride back with puke boy; this is where the naked girl was really cool and joined me in the back of the truck.** We roll up to LB’s house and I shit you not, this is what happened next.

We pull up and Mike D asks the girl and I if we had arrived. I said, “dude, where have you been, we never left LB’s house. You got so wasted in the back of the truck, we just left you there.” He crawls out of the truck and say’s, “well fuck you guys for leaving me here, I’m going to bed.” He stumbles to the back porch and curls up in a ball and crashes the fuck out.

So Mike D is laid out on the porch and LB comes walking out with his new puppy. As we crack another beer and get talking we see the puppy stroll over to Mike D’s jacket, sniff him, and I shit you not, pissed on his head. Seriously, this little 15 lb labrador pissed out the Rio Grande all over Mike D. We could not believe it! The best part is while the dog was watering Mike D, no one stopped him. We couldn’t! We were all laughing to damn hard. Even Baby Jesus was laughing about this one. Thinking all the excitement had concluded, we see Mike D roll over into huge pile of his own puke.

Being the good friends we were, we broke out the hose and sprayed him down. He was so wasted that it didn’t even phase him. Fast forward your tape deck to the morning and a wet, cold and really gnarly Mike D emerges. He asked the group of us (who looked pretty bad ourselves) what had happened last night. No one could hold it in. We all broke out in laughter! Then, the very mellow baritone voice of Chad emerged, “Bro, you got so shitfaced that you puked on yourself at the beach. Then again when we got back home, and again when you got mad and passed out on the porch.” Mike D then asks, “well what the fuck is so funny?”

I will never forget what  Chad said next,”Bro, you remember how you liked LB’s new puppy so much before we left the house. Well, he liked you too. While you were passed out, he marked you as his territory. So, dude, we are laughing because the dog made you his bitch and pissed all over you.”

Mike D stormed out and refused to talk to us for like 3 weeks. To this day he gets pissed if you mention what happened that night. Probably, because we can’t help laughing while telling it…

  • I thought it was cool to wear cowboy boots, pants, and a t-shirt. I have since learned, but think its still cool.
  • *She totally rocked!

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If only there was a sign…

 

Seriously was written on the side walk at the university

Seriously was written on the side walk at the university

If only life was as simple as this sign. A directory to show you where the good stuff is. However, there is  not. Its a long road with blind corners, crazy ass bus drivers, and people who can’t get their head out of their ass. To be honest I may be one of those people that may have a rectal-cranial impaction. On Saturday, I seriously felt like one of those people when I received an email from a potential employer, saying that my wildest dreams would not come true; secondary to a menical foreign government that did not want to provide external funding. I have been waiting since patiently since November. One on hand it is nice to have a solid answer finally; the other feels like I have been punched, because I was wicked excited at the prospect of being gone for 6 months, even if it was the desert. 

So, I have been a little distraught and a little reflective about my ultimate goals and ambitions. Overall, I am stoked about a lot of potential on the horizion, but at the same time, there is nothing concrete. I think the point of this post is me just wanting say, “hey world, I still cool with ya. A little bummed about stuff, but I was not promised anything. I appreciate the little curve balls you throw at me from time to time. Truly you are pretty rad. Please stop stringing me along, I would really like to put down some roots and be reunited with my brewing gear that resides in N. VA. ”

So, what do I do when I get down? I go out and bag me a hot lady. But this particular lady came with another hot lady as a delivery system. Being the nice guy I am, I went out and bought my girl some new lipstick…

 

She is so hot!

She is so hot!

Thanks for reading my random ass thoughts. I am going to take a break until TMI Thursday, due to a really busy work schedule. So, swing back by then and I promise a disturbing and semi-erotic story. Cheers! (that was for Smell the Glove)

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Ring Toss

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Another ER edition of TMI Thursday…

I had a crazy busy shift on a Friday night one summer. I had a guy walk in with an Ice Pick (in Florida) sticking out of his gut. Telling me he fell on while working on his truck. Yea, it was like that. He was my first patient and kind of set the tone for the rest of the night. Luckily one of my good friends Dr. M was working and was always up for a good joke.

Couple of trauma patients and a few I have a boo boo people and of some drug seekers, well we were do for a good laugh. Then around 11pm the ER gods answered our “we need a funny case” call. 17 year old male presents with pain in his abdomen, no trauma, walk in. Read the chart and in the medications column it read “Viagra.” They bring the kid back and make him change into a gown. I am the first one to see the guy.

I walk into the room and he is sitting in a weird Indian style position. Told him to lay back and tell me the problem. The thing is once he laid back I saw the problem. Homeboy had pitched a tent! So, I told him the doc would be back with him shortly. Walked over to Dr. M and said, “dude, you have a  camper in fast-track.” He of course looked at me as if I was deranged. Goes into see the patient, 5 minutes later comes out looking like he was going to explode with laughter. I asked him, “bro how could a 17 y/o with a raging hard on be so funny.” Then he told me.

“JP it’s not the hard on that is funny, its what he did with his hard on that is making me laugh.”  Okay spill it! This is an abridged transcript of my conversation with Dr. M:

Dr. M: Dude he stuck his wang in a bottle.

JP: So?

Dr.M: It’s now stuck on him.

JP: What do you mean “it’s stuck on him?” Like a leech?

Dr.M: No you dick. His Johnson was stuck in a bottle.

JP: Well, how are we going to get the genie out of the bottle?

Dr. M: Well that’s the thing, he broke the bottle and now the rim is stuck around the shaft.

JP: You’re fuckin with me.

Dr.M: No dude. This kid stuck his Viagra hard on into a beer bottle, so he could get off around 6. Then when it got stuck and couldn’t pull it off, the dumb-ass broke the bottle. So, he told his mom and she brought him here.

JP: Let me see the chart. (examine chart) No way! That is too funny. Well why don’t I just go get a hammer and break the damn thing?

Dr.M: Can’t glass shards.

JP: Call the surgeon let him deal with it.

Dr.M: He would never talk to us again. Why don’t we put KY on it and try to pull it off.

JP: That is probably the gayest thing you have ever said to me. Okay, but you are jerking the kid off, not me.

Dr. M: You’re right. What if we scare him?

JP: Do you still carry a picture of your ex-wife?

Dr.M: Nope, but I have one of your mom!

JP: Nice burn. I guess we could dope him up with valium and wait.

Dr.M: I’m not wasting good drugs on this asshole. Plus, he is turning a healthy shade of purple.

JP: Okay, umbilical tape from the nursery ought to do the trick. Like a ring stuck on the finger. It will just take a few minutes and it has to hurt like hell.

Dr.M: Good call. Lets do it.

I obtained the tape (which is more like sterile dental floss than tape) and hit on a few of the Ob nurses while there. Come back and explain to the kid what had to be done. he asked if it was going to hurt and of course I told him, “not as much as have a piece of broken glass stuck on your cock.” By this point in time I rounded up as many people as I could. My two EMS Students and one really hot nursing student; that is a story for later. We all crowded in the room for a “teaching session.” The lecture topic of the night, “Misadventures in medication:Why Viagra and glass bottles don’t mix.”

BTW: this kids mom thought all of this was hysterical and had to leave the room because she was laughing so damn hard.

Eventually the taping maneuver worked and the glass was taken off. Though the humiliation didn’t  stop there. As I was wrapping up my lecture and the procedure, I ended it on this note. Looking directly at the patient I said, “Okay, so today we have learned a few things. Don’t take meds not intended for you. Don’t stick your penis into anywhere it doesn’t belong. More importantly, we have learned that it would have probably been cheaper and less painful to pick up a hooker. Even if she is skank and you get VD, you would still get more respect for screwing her; rather than having your mom laugh at you for screwing a bottle.”

p.s. The kid took it all in stride and was actually pretty mellow. Lesson learned the hard way!

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Incoming!

Ladies and gentlemen, last night I was that guy. The loud crazy friend bought the beers and made you drink them; made the bar tender funnel a beer. Strong work Benny! But more so, I was a gigantic cock-block game killer to my buddy J-Man. Let me sprinkle some seasoning:

Al, JP, J-Man, and Chocolate Bear were sitting at the bar in the very packed living room. CB and I were pretending we were fighter pilots and making a squelch noise before we spoke. I know, but it was fun. Then out of the corner of my eye I see this decent, but not my speed, blonde come up and talk with J-Man. Things were going well and tracks were laid. The night pushes on and beers were put down. Then I decide I am a B-52 bomber and need to drop atomic bombs all over J-Man’s game. This is what happened.

J-Man was talking to blondie and I come strolling up. I think I whispered to J-Man the following, “Dude, she is totally digging on you bro. Go in for the kill and get the number.” Then it happened. Blondie turns around and say’s, “I’m not deaf you know!” Yea go me. My recovery was something like ah f— it! J-Man was D.O.A after my little “intervention”.

I said my 1,000 apologies to J-Man and the rest of the group, as I broke man law and they needed to know. Hey I’m not perfect (just  damn near close) and I admit my wrong doing. But then what do I see? J-Man gets up dusts himself off, writes down the tag number to the bus I just threw him under and walks it off like a champ. He goes right up the blondie and lays down the following agreeable observations. “Hey my friend can be a real asshole, but means nothing by it. In fact he is an idiot. Don’t mind him, he doesn’t know any better.” True champ reversed the bus and chucked me right under. Rightfully so.

Then, it went down. Digits were exchanged and words were spoken. Done Son! My boy made a full recovery. I promised I would make a public apology today for my actions last night. So, here goes:

J-Man, my bad bro. I doubted your skills and prematurely intervened in matters that needed no intervention. I chucked you into on coming traffic and left you for dead. I am sorry. However, I am totally proud that you pulled up proper and did not let that get in you way of the target. You were locked and loaded and truly an all star of the night. I am proud to call you friend. Strong Work Bro, strong work!

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