My white flag is raised

Okay, DC, you got me. You got me good yesterday. In fact, I haven’t been punked this good in years. Let me splain youse…

I finally got a call back from the temp agency for a 1 day gig. Yes, 1 day, that pays. Not well, but its money. So, my unemployed ass rolled to this gig in Arlington and I was supposed to be there at 10 am. I chose to drive in, as I had plans in the evening and the bus schedule was not conducive to my social game plan. Well, I left the house at 8:30 and rolled to the metro closest to me. This particular metro has 2 parking garages and an entire stadium parking lot, so I didn’t think anything of it. I get there and the entire fucking thing is full. Great! Spent 20 minutes looking for a spot. Decided that it was a fruitless venture, so I jumped on 66. at this point, I knew I was fucked from the get go. Thank the baby jesus that I had gps on my phone or I’d be totally SOL. It took me about an hour to go 20 miles. Get to the job and have to pay out 1 hour’s worth of pay to park. Great, thanks, I see how this is going to be.

Worked for a company I have never heard of, so I decided to pretend it was summer camp, just in the winter. I know, it doesn’t make sense, but neither did the Russian broad telling me what to do.–Note to self, lean Russian and take over the world–So, my duties included, stocking general office supplies. Stocking the coffee pods. Now, it is important to note, that these people are addicted to their coffee; I swear I saw some rail-thin chick shooting up the mocha espresso in the copy room. Anyways, then I put mail, in a folder, with the addressee’s name on it. Yes, I was used to my full potential today. But wait, it gets better! So, in the afternoon, it was like arts and crafts time. Yes, a guy who can save/preserve your life was making…….. wait for it……. Fucking snow flakes from paper:

Look mom, I am making snow flakes!

Seriously, I put in the head phones and made snow flakes. Take that China, I was doing 3rd rate labor at 1st rate pay. USA! USA! USA! Okay, so it was fucking lame and the guys in the office were laughing, until I told them why I was there and what I was waiting on. They soon shut up. Bitches.

So, bailed out and rolled downtown for dinner. Well, on my way some asshat in a Lexus decided to take me head-on, on a narrow portion of L Street, so I swerved slightly and ate the protruding lug nuts of a moving truck, thus, shredding the right side of the Lincoln. Imagine the truck is this guy:

This was how I imagined the truck lug nuts to be

And my car as this:

Damage done after truck lug nuts

I am estimating about $2,500 worth of damage. NOT. FUCKING. COOL! At this point, I had already had a fucking weird day, so my car getting wrecked, seemed, well, trite. Seriously, I was either going to laugh or cry, and as we all know real men down cry unless they are watching Rudy or getting kicked in the nads. Time to play the game of “how good is your insurance?” So, I sucked it up and rolled to dinner. Poor girl, I felt like a neurotic mess by the time I got there and don’t remember too much of what I said, but I am sure it was uncomfortable.

Anyways, I was welcomed with open arms and had an amazing meal of Jalapeno Poppers, Greek Salad, Vegetarian Squash Lasagne, Baked Apple thing with cinnamon goodness all over it. So, basically, my ass was spoiled! Spoiled fucking rotten and yes, yes you should be hating on me right now, cause it was awesome. It was flat-out amazing and a couple glasses of wine later, all my worries were gone. Moral of this story? A good meal with good company, can wipe clean an entire day of absolute fucking non-sense. I don’t think she realized how good the evening made me feel. Seriously though, I went from stabby to sappy in one quick bite.

So, on the way home, I discovered that Virginia sells 40 ozers!  Yes, I couldn’t resist. So, DC, you may have won this round, but I am not down just yet. I will be back and I will own you!

Salud!

I just am not a patient person

Lets discuss my dating life for a moment. I have been having a good run for a while now and you may remember when I decided to amp it up a bit by using dating websites. I have met some wonderful women and some total bums on my way through this little journey in single town.

Though, all these experiences and time put in, I have reaffirmed that I am not a patient person… let me splain:

Online dating takes a lot of time and energy. Yes, I know what you are thinking, “JP, why are you concerned with time, you have no job?” Great point! The reason is sometimes the nuances in human speech is not picked up via email or text. It takes more time and effort than I am willing to put in, to come across my charming self. Let’s face it, I can come across kind of, well, weird and creepy at times due to my strange references. Take the “human meat” reference, (Sunny fan’s should click that) when I told a woman that we should hit the morgue with a hot plate, referring to where we should go to dinner, she didn’t think it was funny.

Then there was this other girl who kind of got me, but she may have been a little too much (okay I may have been drinking when I wrote this). Here is an excerpt from an email exchange in regards to a photo montage on her profile:

JP- I really like the way you assembled your photos; very entertaining. I thought, “wow, she’s right because if one was to fight crime, a drink would definitely be in order.” By the way, who did win the epic “mortal combat” fight?Keep your pimp hand strong, JP
Girl- It’s true. If you ever get into the crime fighting business, drinks are a key to success. They allow the crime fighter to give the criminal a head start on their dastardly deeds or attempted escapes. The head start is another key because every successful crime fighter must make a dramatic entrance where all hope seems gone. Chuck Norris won the mortal combat fight. Chuck Norris is what I named my left leg. My pimp hand is named Silver Tongue A. Shizzle. When you’re as strong as me, the individual muscles and parts must be given their own identities.
JP- What would be the best drink to fight crime with? I mean tequila would certainly get things moving in the right direction, but I feel a scotch would be the optimum choice; eloquent and strong all rolled up in one. I like your dramatic entrance theory. It adds the element of both suspense and surprise. That it totally the way to go.I am not sure Chuck Norris can be your leg, because he is currently hanging out in my beard, popping out and punching unsuspecting individuals. I do however respect any woman with a strong pimp hand, but Tongue A. Shizzle sounds very wrong on so many levels. Say it out loud and you will see what I mean.
Girl- Pimp hands have to have sleazy sounding names. It’s the law. And I uphold the law. Beards holding individuals who punch unsuspecting individuals seems like it might be bordering on non-lawful activities. You better get control over your beard lest it become subject to my leg (i.e., the real CN) in my crime fighting engagements.
JP- Well, if it’s the law I need to work on a name for mine. Oh, you don’t control the beard! The beard has its own law. Kind of like Jules Winnfield (JW). He will quote you some Ezekiel 25:17 while he sorts you out. So, I will allow you CN and put him up against JW at any time, as he is “the tyranny of evil men”… now that i think about it, I may have to shave for an upcoming interview. Damn. When you are not crime fighting and getting into mortal combats, what kind of things do you like to do? Are there any good hang out spots to visit?
Girl- There are a lot of places to have beer and talk. Unfortunately, I often don’t know where I have wound up. I know I’ve been to at least a couple of the bars you mentioned, but I couldn’t tell you anything about them. I now realize I am a sheep when it comes to bars. This lowers my cool factor by a few points. Now I’m going to have to go do something to make up those points, like steal a pair of aviators from the local trendy shop. You’re beard’s criminal nature is trying to reincarnate itself into me. Unappreciated.
JP- Viva la goatee! (like viva la raza, just more goat like) So, you wander around aimlessly throughout DC, bouncing place to place? I think that raises you cool points at least +10. Also, if you steal a pair of aviators, you get double points if you swipe an Ed Hardy shirt with a skull on it. Because you can’t have a trendy hipster unless they wear a well-known tattoo artist’s clothing, sans personal tattoo’s. Oh, and a trucker hat…just tossing that out there. I see the beard is trying to manifest itself through you. Do you have a favorite place to hangout? What kind of things do you enjoy doing on the weekend?
Girl- I happen to have a shirt with a skull on it and a trucker hat – and I didn’t pay a dime for either item. How many points does that put me at? The school library is my favorite place to hang out. I enjoy reading big words and writing boring papers on the weekend. What about you?

So as you can see above, I lost interest around this point. Fun back and forth? Yes. Kind of a time killer to put out a one-sided anecdote and waiting for an equal or less than reply, not my speed. In fact, I probably would not have given this (time+investment= payoff) theory any thought, if a date the other night had not asked me, so how is (insert dating site) going for you. I went on to explain that I was bored with it and that I am better in person (TWSS).

I have decided to just leave the online dating to people with no social skills. My jokes, insights, and general conversation points, are not conducive to on-line interaction. I am and always have been, a personable individual. So, with that, I need to get out more and explore this wonderful city and stay away from the on-line creepers.

Oh, on another note: Being unemployed and trying to date, is fucking lame and I feel really bad about it. Nothing is worse than having to tell a woman, Umm, can we do something low-key? When what I really want to say is, I would really like to take you to Restaurant Eve… Yes, my ego and pride has taken a huge hit lately. It’s probably for the best though, to keep my ass in check.

So long and thanks for all the fish…

JP goes to DC… for good!

I am finally back after a very busy week. Hmm, where do I begin?

• Thanksgiving, got to hang out with a portion of the extended family out in Tampa, which was very nice to see everyone. Packed up last Friday and said my good bye’s to all of my friends. I shoved my entire life’s collection of crap into a Uhaul.

Truck and Car ready for the trip up

• Friday night/Saturday morning, we were properly sent off by 2 close friends at 1 am. My sister, dog, and I set out for DC all piled into a very tiny truck cab.

The view from the porch of where I just left. I will miss this view.

• Saturday, rolled into town around 2:30 and got ready for the UF v. FSU game. During the first quarter I unloaded all of my shit into the house. Seriously, I just slammed and jammed all of it into the house. By 4pm I was sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching Florida kick the piss out of FSU. What a great gift!
• Sunday and Monday I spent my time unpacking and playing the “I haven’t seen or used this item in a year, so it goes in the trash” game. It’s amazing how much crap I truly have.
• Tuesday, went to an interview at a temp agency and felt out right dumb after all the “office skills” testing, How do I not remember fractions? I so won at life that day.
• Wednesday, my birthday. First off, thank you to everyone for the calls, tweets, texts and other various messages.[1] I went to an interview, which I was not very excited about to be honest. A friend of mine set it up for me and I went to hear out what they had to say… I was blown away in every way, about this job and possible career. It was one of the best interviews I have ever been on and was just chill. I met with the Project Manager and the Team Manager and the entire time we were cracking jokes and having a very serious conversation at the same time. I was a gleaming bright fucking star at this thing. As we parted ways they told me if I was a fit that I would receive an email with an application for hire.
• On my drive home from the interview, I got an email from the job saying they want me! Got home and got an email that read “JP Welcome to DC! I am submitting your offer letter and putting it in for a shit ton of money.” You have to love when your friend is in control of your hiring status after the initial interview!
• Thursday, had to be up early for an anal probing by the government. Seriously, I spent almost 4 hours of my life filling out paperwork about my life. It was a very odd and eerie feeling having ones life on paper for the government to see. My paranoia is still not under control.
• Thursday night, went on a date with a very cool woman. At first, I didn’t know if we would have too much in common as she is not my typical “type”; no tattoos, nor piercings and well-educated. We met up with and  I was very impressed with her candor and conviviality. There was not lag or lull in the conversation and we joked all night long. Initially, had a few beers and discussed where we were from and what we would like to do with the future. It is very nice to sit and converse with a smart and sharp minded individual. After a few beers, we hit the town to see the National Christmas tree. It was a beautiful scene with the tree lit and the White House in the foreground.

• After the tree we traipsed all over town in search of a bar, which was an adventure in itself. During our tour of the city we quoted random episodes of Sunny and just laughed. I had a really nice tine last night and would go out with her again. If it doesn’t work out on a dating level, I can see the two of us being friends.
• Today, I have to get more probing from the government and I have dinner plans with some friends[2]
• Tomorrow is the Florida v. Alabama game and I totally stoked. I have nothing but bloody mary’s and beer planned for the afternoon. Time to put the stresses of life on hold while I get tanked and yell at the tv.
• Next week, after the massive hangover I will have, I will be back on the job hunt for some kind of temp work until the government clears me. Back to the hustle I guess.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends that have helped me in the past few weeks and everyone for their support. It has been quite a ride so far and there will be many more obstacles to over come in the next few weeks. Just know, your support keeps me hustling strong… PIMP HAND!

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[1] @Ihatesomuch @Livitluvit I so would have come out and met you, but I had a very early and important meeting the next day. Rain check bishes!

[2] Actually, I was told that we have plans. This is why I need a social secretary!