Tag Archives: Florida

And I bid you Adieu!

It has been a few months since I have posted, well, anything. There is a good reason for this and let me splain youse…

I moved to DC with a hierarchy of goals in mind and at the top of my list graduate school. So, pulled the trigger and moved. Made to the Deez C and hit the ground running. I have now been in the town for a few months and embarked on the psychotic journey that I call my life. I now work 40 hours a week at a job where I do not have internet or the ability to communicate with the outside world, needless to say, I will be finding a new job. I am also taking 3 graduate courses, to include weekend classes as well. Yes, my life is a bit off the chain right now. As I type this my roommates are moving out and I have to find a new joint closer to the city, as well as finding a new car due to the Wolverine incident.

Just JP

I started this blog as a way to keep writing, so not to lose any edge while waiting for classes to begin. Now that I am balls deep in school, I am going to cut this space loose. I enjoyed having an outlet and a place that I can rant, rave, and basically let me be me. I have met some awesome people through this blog and some crazy ass people too. It all comes with the territory I guess. All in all I would not trade it, nor would I do anything different.

JP

I feel this blog was only one side of myself, the nonsensical side, and I am glad that you dropped by to share in it. I would like to leave you with these parting words:

This will be my last confession,
Liberty can leave harsh impressions,
I have little faith forgive me for my past discretions,
But we live and learn that history and past are lessons,
Ive always played the hand I was given,
No exceptions here humanitys driven,
You see all men are born equal, just the standard of living,
That differs between the Jewish, Adriatic and Christian,
Im a logical man given to science,
Forgive me I know religion inspires,The day this is work the love of it dies, A handful make it, the others will strive,
And hunger can drive hatred but such is just life,
I guess jealousys the curse that the struggle inspires,
These critics seek to break and divide,
I know Im bitter but my faith is divine,
Take it in stride yeah I act like I hate it at times,
But I found love through this music and a place to reside,
For every friend I have an eager opponent,
For every cent I spent on meager components,
I gave something back so I dont feel the need for atonement,
Cause we all get our hands dirty when were seizing the moment.

Again, thanks for coming by for the past year or so! Be sure to keep up with me on Twitter, JustJPTweet, so you can keep up with my insanity. If you see me on the streets, just say hi to a guy named JP.
For all the ladies heartbroken and seeking a male perspective on things, check out my friends:

Don’t forget to check out everyone else too!

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Filed under Booze, Foxy Friday, Friends, Life, Non-Sense

JP goes to DC… for good!

I am finally back after a very busy week. Hmm, where do I begin?

  • Thanksgiving, got to hang out with a portion of the extended family out in Tampa, which was very nice to see everyone. Packed up last Friday and said my good bye’s to all of my friends. I shoved my entire life’s collection of crap into a Uhaul.

Truck and Car ready for the trip up

  • Friday night/Saturday morning, we were properly sent off by 2 close friends at 1 am. My sister, dog, and I set out for DC all piled into a very tiny truck cab.

The view from the porch of where I just left. I will miss this view.

  • Saturday, rolled into town around 2:30 and got ready for the UF v. FSU game. During the first quarter I unloaded all of my shit into the house. Seriously, I just slammed and jammed all of it into the house. By 4pm I was sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching Florida kick the piss out of FSU. What a great gift!
  • Sunday and Monday I spent my time unpacking and playing the “I haven’t seen or used this item in a year, so it goes in the trash” game. It’s amazing how much crap I truly have.
  • Tuesday, went to an interview at a temp agency and felt out right dumb after all the “office skills” testing, How do I not remember fractions? I so won at life that day.
  • Wednesday, my birthday. First off, thank you to everyone for the calls, tweets, texts and other various messages.[1] I went to an interview, which I was not very excited about to be honest. A friend of mine set it up for me and I went to hear out what they had to say… I was blown away in every way, about this job and possible career. It was one of the best interviews I have ever been on and was just chill. I met with the Project Manager and the Team Manager and the entire time we were cracking jokes and having a very serious conversation at the same time. I was a gleaming bright fucking star at this thing. As we parted ways they told me if I was a fit that I would receive an email with an application for hire.
  • On my drive home from the interview, I got an email from the job saying they want me! Got home and got an email that read “JP Welcome to DC! I am submitting your offer letter and putting it in for a shit ton of money.” You have to love when your friend is in control of your hiring status after the initial interview!
  • Thursday, had to be up early for an anal probing by the government. Seriously, I spent almost 4 hours of my life filling out paperwork about my life. It was a very odd and eerie feeling having ones life on paper for the government to see. My paranoia is still not under control.
  • Thursday night, went on a date with a very cool woman. At first, I didn’t know if we would have too much in common as she is not my typical “type”; no tattoos, nor piercings and well-educated. We met up with and  I was very impressed with her candor and conviviality. There was not lag or lull in the conversation and we joked all night long. Initially, had a few beers and discussed where we were from and what we would like to do with the future. It is very nice to sit and converse with a smart and sharp minded individual. After a few beers, we hit the town to see the National Christmas tree. It was a beautiful scene with the tree lit and the White House in the foreground.

  • After the tree we traipsed all over town in search of a bar, which was an adventure in itself. During our tour of the city we quoted random episodes of Sunny and just laughed. I had a really nice tine last night and would go out with her again. If it doesn’t work out on a dating level, I can see the two of us being friends.
  • Today, I have to get more probing from the government and I have dinner plans with some friends[2]
  • Tomorrow is the Florida v. Alabama game and I totally stoked. I have nothing but bloody mary’s and beer planned for the afternoon. Time to put the stresses of life on hold while I get tanked and yell at the tv.
  • Next week, after the massive hangover I will have, I will be back on the job hunt for some kind of temp work until the government clears me. Back to the hustle I guess.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends that have helped me in the past few weeks and everyone for their support. It has been quite a ride so far and there will be many more obstacles to over come in the next few weeks. Just know, your support keeps me hustling strong… PIMP HAND!


[1] @Ihatesomuch @Livitluvit I so would have come out and met you, but I had a very early and important meeting the next day. Rain check bishes!

[2] Actually, I was told that we have plans. This is why I need a social secretary!

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1 Year ago…

Check out how it all began: Click Here

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Sticking with it

Thanks for all the supportive words last week about my detox program. I am proud to report that I am still booze free and today I start the second leg of the program. I am dropping all fast food, processed foods, and basically anything that doesn’t occur naturally. Now, this may prove to be the toughest part of the process, but I think I will do fine. So, here is a short re-cap of last weeks happenings:

  • Almost fell off my plan a few times. 1) A co-worker invited me to lunch for a slice and a pint. I declined after thinking about it. 2) My boss wanted to have drinks after work. Thank god my other co-workers have given up booze and have gone veg. 3) My friend, a bartender, it was his last night before moving to NY. I had to say I was out of town.
  • I saw Inglorious Basterds and it was everything a movie should be! Great plot, storyline, dialogue, and a really good ending. Just enough comedy and suspense to keep you in your seat for almost 3 hours. Really, I had no idea it was that long until I walked out. Go see it.
  • For some reason I cannot get the Clarence Greenwood song “Sideways” out of my head.
  • Still have not heard about the job I interviewed for, but have made the decision that if I do not hear from them this week, I am buying my plane tickets to Beer Fest and the Islands. I am totally going to Beer Fest, just need to sort out which airport to leave out of. The Islands is a current work related thing, so I need to slow my roll on that one.
  • A good friend of mine has helped me acquire about 30 G’s of music, so I will have some new reviews coming up on that front.

As you can see not too much going on, but hopefully things will pick up soon. Don’t forget that Foxy Friday is in full swing and if you or someone you know would like to be featured, contact JP at justjpblog (at) gmail (dot) com. Also, you can follow me on Twitter @justjptweet.

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Why you are mighty wet

Living in a sub-tropical environment you get used to 3 seasons rather than 4. In Florida, particularly Central and South Florida there is Summer, Fall, and Spring. Spring is hot coupled with an occasional rain shower. Summer is blazing hot and you can set your watch to the rain, everyday, at 4pm. Fall goes from hot to cool and typically cools down to less than 80 around November. We have about 10 days that go below 50, so there is no real winter.

However, driving in today I thought about how our Summer/rainy season is the Northern folks Winter. I always hear about wicked snow storms that take out power and hear how people can’t drive. As if they have never drove before in outdoor conditions. Yes, I realize what I just said and I am leaving it. Well snow people reading this, we have had our first heavy rain of the season. 24 hours and still going strong. Strong enough in fact, that the roof in my office building is leaking. Also, the people on the road cannot drive worth a damn. Like 5 accidents in a 1 mile stretch of road.

So, why am I going on about weather and traffic? 2 of my most hated conversation topics? Because the first rain of the season makes me smile for 2 reasons; it was the start of the surf season and a little Asian lady checked her mail at a bad time.

So I was driving down a residential street during a 3 day long rain and I see this little Asian woman, in a rain coat, checking her mail, and a huge puddle was in front of her… Don’t judge, you know you would do this too. As I watched her slowly walk down her drive way I started laughing, just a bit, because seriously when does a perfect storm like this ever come along? As she got to her mail box I rounded the corner, both right tires hit the what could be described as an asphalt lake, a tsunami esque wave peeled off the side of my car. I watched in slow motion as a 4 foot wall of water hit this poor unsuspecting Asian lady right in the face and washed over her.

Marinate on that for a moment. Asian lady, rain coat, and wall of water. I laughed. I luaged so hard in fact I almost hit the stop sign. I was laughing so hard about the facial expression and feeble attempt to dodge the wave, that seriously I though my sides would split open. Even better was where I was going on this rainy day. I was headed to my grandmothers house to check on her. Thats right ladies and gents, I hit an old lady with a wall of water on my way to see my grandmother.

So upon my arrival at my grandma’s house I was still laughing my balls off. I walk inside, still laughing mind you and see my grandma. She inquires as to why I am nearly pissing myself. I tell her very nonchalantly about the carnage I unleashed. Then, my 80 year old grandmother starts laughing so hard tears are coming from her eyes. Yes, me and my grandma laughed at the misfortune of an old lady.

This is why I like the first rainy day of the season.

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We drink this stuff like water on the base…

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

“We drink this stuff like water at the base,” were my buddy Mike D’s last word one fateful New Years Eve…

Let me rewind the tape and throw some seasoning on your brain. It was New Years 1998 going into 1999. There were about 20 people assembled; the entire surf crew from New Smyrna Beach and we met up at LB’s house. Our plan, roll out to NSB and party like the rock stars we were, on the beach. This particular evening Mike D was joining us fresh off leave from the Air Force and lets just say, he was ready to aim high.

There was more people than cars/trucks, so being a nice evening (50 degrees in Florida mid-January) Mike D and I rode in the back of Phillips truck. On the way out Mike D and I caught up on things. During the conversation he pulls out a bottle of  Bacardi Limon. For those that have never had this crap, it is a lemon flavored rum that tastes like lemon heads with way too much sugar and that taste you get after smelling rubbing alcohol. Either way, we decided it would be a good idea to drink the bottle on the way out to the beach. This is where it got interesting. Mike D looks at me and with all seriousness says, “Dude, we drink this stuff like water on the base, do you think you can hang?” My reply, “shit ya!”

We roll into NSB about 25 minutes later and I am ready to rock out with my cock out! However, Mike D was a bit more sluggish than I was. He made it out of the truck and kind of stumbles around a bit,  looks at me funny and goes white. He is not having a good day. Crawls back into the truck and yacks all over himself! Like Ol’ faithful, he let it rip. All. Over. His. Clothes. What was a really wasted JP doing at this time you might ask? The only logical thing possible. I was running up and down the beach wearing only cowboy boots with a girl that joined us for the evening.*

Cops came and 3 am rolled around; we all decided it was time to go back to LB’s house and continue the party. Hell, I wasn’t driving. The problem was I had to ride back with puke boy; this is where the naked girl was really cool and joined me in the back of the truck.** We roll up to LB’s house and I shit you not, this is what happened next.

We pull up and Mike D asks the girl and I if we had arrived. I said, “dude, where have you been, we never left LB’s house. You got so wasted in the back of the truck, we just left you there.” He crawls out of the truck and say’s, “well fuck you guys for leaving me here, I’m going to bed.” He stumbles to the back porch and curls up in a ball and crashes the fuck out.

So Mike D is laid out on the porch and LB comes walking out with his new puppy. As we crack another beer and get talking we see the puppy stroll over to Mike D’s jacket, sniff him, and I shit you not, pissed on his head. Seriously, this little 15 lb labrador pissed out the Rio Grande all over Mike D. We could not believe it! The best part is while the dog was watering Mike D, no one stopped him. We couldn’t! We were all laughing to damn hard. Even Baby Jesus was laughing about this one. Thinking all the excitement had concluded, we see Mike D roll over into huge pile of his own puke.

Being the good friends we were, we broke out the hose and sprayed him down. He was so wasted that it didn’t even phase him. Fast forward your tape deck to the morning and a wet, cold and really gnarly Mike D emerges. He asked the group of us (who looked pretty bad ourselves) what had happened last night. No one could hold it in. We all broke out in laughter! Then, the very mellow baritone voice of Chad emerged, “Bro, you got so shitfaced that you puked on yourself at the beach. Then again when we got back home, and again when you got mad and passed out on the porch.” Mike D then asks, “well what the fuck is so funny?”

I will never forget what  Chad said next,”Bro, you remember how you liked LB’s new puppy so much before we left the house. Well, he liked you too. While you were passed out, he marked you as his territory. So, dude, we are laughing because the dog made you his bitch and pissed all over you.”

Mike D stormed out and refused to talk to us for like 3 weeks. To this day he gets pissed if you mention what happened that night. Probably, because we can’t help laughing while telling it…

  • I thought it was cool to wear cowboy boots, pants, and a t-shirt. I have since learned, but think its still cool.
  • *She totally rocked!

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Ring Toss

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Another ER edition of TMI Thursday…

I had a crazy busy shift on a Friday night one summer. I had a guy walk in with an Ice Pick (in Florida) sticking out of his gut. Telling me he fell on while working on his truck. Yea, it was like that. He was my first patient and kind of set the tone for the rest of the night. Luckily one of my good friends Dr. M was working and was always up for a good joke.

Couple of trauma patients and a few I have a boo boo people and of some drug seekers, well we were do for a good laugh. Then around 11pm the ER gods answered our “we need a funny case” call. 17 year old male presents with pain in his abdomen, no trauma, walk in. Read the chart and in the medications column it read “Viagra.” They bring the kid back and make him change into a gown. I am the first one to see the guy.

I walk into the room and he is sitting in a weird Indian style position. Told him to lay back and tell me the problem. The thing is once he laid back I saw the problem. Homeboy had pitched a tent! So, I told him the doc would be back with him shortly. Walked over to Dr. M and said, “dude, you have a  camper in fast-track.” He of course looked at me as if I was deranged. Goes into see the patient, 5 minutes later comes out looking like he was going to explode with laughter. I asked him, “bro how could a 17 y/o with a raging hard on be so funny.” Then he told me.

“JP it’s not the hard on that is funny, its what he did with his hard on that is making me laugh.”  Okay spill it! This is an abridged transcript of my conversation with Dr. M:

Dr. M: Dude he stuck his wang in a bottle.

JP: So?

Dr.M: It’s now stuck on him.

JP: What do you mean “it’s stuck on him?” Like a leech?

Dr.M: No you dick. His Johnson was stuck in a bottle.

JP: Well, how are we going to get the genie out of the bottle?

Dr. M: Well that’s the thing, he broke the bottle and now the rim is stuck around the shaft.

JP: You’re fuckin with me.

Dr.M: No dude. This kid stuck his Viagra hard on into a beer bottle, so he could get off around 6. Then when it got stuck and couldn’t pull it off, the dumb-ass broke the bottle. So, he told his mom and she brought him here.

JP: Let me see the chart. (examine chart) No way! That is too funny. Well why don’t I just go get a hammer and break the damn thing?

Dr.M: Can’t glass shards.

JP: Call the surgeon let him deal with it.

Dr.M: He would never talk to us again. Why don’t we put KY on it and try to pull it off.

JP: That is probably the gayest thing you have ever said to me. Okay, but you are jerking the kid off, not me.

Dr. M: You’re right. What if we scare him?

JP: Do you still carry a picture of your ex-wife?

Dr.M: Nope, but I have one of your mom!

JP: Nice burn. I guess we could dope him up with valium and wait.

Dr.M: I’m not wasting good drugs on this asshole. Plus, he is turning a healthy shade of purple.

JP: Okay, umbilical tape from the nursery ought to do the trick. Like a ring stuck on the finger. It will just take a few minutes and it has to hurt like hell.

Dr.M: Good call. Lets do it.

I obtained the tape (which is more like sterile dental floss than tape) and hit on a few of the Ob nurses while there. Come back and explain to the kid what had to be done. he asked if it was going to hurt and of course I told him, “not as much as have a piece of broken glass stuck on your cock.” By this point in time I rounded up as many people as I could. My two EMS Students and one really hot nursing student; that is a story for later. We all crowded in the room for a “teaching session.” The lecture topic of the night, “Misadventures in medication:Why Viagra and glass bottles don’t mix.”

BTW: this kids mom thought all of this was hysterical and had to leave the room because she was laughing so damn hard.

Eventually the taping maneuver worked and the glass was taken off. Though the humiliation didn’t  stop there. As I was wrapping up my lecture and the procedure, I ended it on this note. Looking directly at the patient I said, “Okay, so today we have learned a few things. Don’t take meds not intended for you. Don’t stick your penis into anywhere it doesn’t belong. More importantly, we have learned that it would have probably been cheaper and less painful to pick up a hooker. Even if she is skank and you get VD, you would still get more respect for screwing her; rather than having your mom laugh at you for screwing a bottle.”

p.s. The kid took it all in stride and was actually pretty mellow. Lesson learned the hard way!

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