Tag Archives: new years eve

And I bid you Adieu!

It has been a few months since I have posted, well, anything. There is a good reason for this and let me splain youse…

I moved to DC with a hierarchy of goals in mind and at the top of my list graduate school. So, pulled the trigger and moved. Made to the Deez C and hit the ground running. I have now been in the town for a few months and embarked on the psychotic journey that I call my life. I now work 40 hours a week at a job where I do not have internet or the ability to communicate with the outside world, needless to say, I will be finding a new job. I am also taking 3 graduate courses, to include weekend classes as well. Yes, my life is a bit off the chain right now. As I type this my roommates are moving out and I have to find a new joint closer to the city, as well as finding a new car due to the Wolverine incident.

Just JP

I started this blog as a way to keep writing, so not to lose any edge while waiting for classes to begin. Now that I am balls deep in school, I am going to cut this space loose. I enjoyed having an outlet and a place that I can rant, rave, and basically let me be me. I have met some awesome people through this blog and some crazy ass people too. It all comes with the territory I guess. All in all I would not trade it, nor would I do anything different.

JP

I feel this blog was only one side of myself, the nonsensical side, and I am glad that you dropped by to share in it. I would like to leave you with these parting words:

This will be my last confession,
Liberty can leave harsh impressions,
I have little faith forgive me for my past discretions,
But we live and learn that history and past are lessons,
Ive always played the hand I was given,
No exceptions here humanitys driven,
You see all men are born equal, just the standard of living,
That differs between the Jewish, Adriatic and Christian,
Im a logical man given to science,
Forgive me I know religion inspires,The day this is work the love of it dies, A handful make it, the others will strive,
And hunger can drive hatred but such is just life,
I guess jealousys the curse that the struggle inspires,
These critics seek to break and divide,
I know Im bitter but my faith is divine,
Take it in stride yeah I act like I hate it at times,
But I found love through this music and a place to reside,
For every friend I have an eager opponent,
For every cent I spent on meager components,
I gave something back so I dont feel the need for atonement,
Cause we all get our hands dirty when were seizing the moment.

Again, thanks for coming by for the past year or so! Be sure to keep up with me on Twitter, JustJPTweet, so you can keep up with my insanity. If you see me on the streets, just say hi to a guy named JP.
For all the ladies heartbroken and seeking a male perspective on things, check out my friends:

Don’t forget to check out everyone else too!

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Don’t trust a sheep farmer or my Sister for that matter.

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

I told you last week about the incident with the sheep farmer and how he shouldn’t trusted. Well, actually, its my Sister that really shouldn’t be trusted. I had just returned from Australia and was in DC for New Years eve 2006/2007. We decided that we should go to Dupont Circle1 and hangout at one of the bars there. Well, before we went out, I wanted to get a new shirt and tie, just to keep it on the klassy. Went to a store called Pink, found a very nice shirt, and was talked into a pink color tie. We pre-gamed a good amount and I should have known things would go down hill from here.

Getting dressed to go out I was convinced by my sister and her roommate that I should wear the new shirt and tie I just purchased. I was in, cause I looked good; Blue dress shirt with white French cuffs, black pants, nice shoes, and a pink tie. We headed out into the depths of the Circle to find “our” bar. Insanity, bars were charging like $50.00 just to get in and there was nothing special about these places. So, my Sister pipes up and says, I know this place in Adam’s Morgan2, not knowing any better, I was of course, in.

We got into a cab and quickly discovered that the cabby was either drunk or just plain mental. As we get in, he notices Jen’s gigantic tits3 and we were off on a ride to Adam’s Morgan. The cabby made inappropriate, yet funny comments about my Sister and Jen, and was all “I love the lesbians. I wish my wife was a lesbian.” We thought it was funny as shit. Yeah, kind of creepy. In that DC is kind of creepy after 11pm anyways, way. Dropped us off in front of the bar.

Things were looking up, the line was short, admission cheap, and a the few girls in line were really hot. Of course started talking to them and was working out a few things. Went inside, got a few drinks and we all started dancing. Then, all of a sudden, I got that strange feeling that I was somewhere I probably shouldn’t be.

Looked around and I quickly noticed that the M:F ratio was once again, unequal. I looked at my Sister, who instantly knew, I knew what was going on and I said, “what the fuck, you brought me to a fucking sausage fest, on fucking New Year’s eve!” She said, “its cool. Plus its too late to go anywhere else.” Now, realizing that I was in a Gay bar, in Adam’s Morgan, in a pink tie, I quickly felt the need to run to the border and pound a few tequila shots. I came back to where the girls were with 3 shots and Jen says, “oh, I don’t like tequila.” Me: “Who said these were for you assholes?” Yes, obviously I was pissed. Like fighting mad pissed. Not that I was in a gay bar, but because the girls I was talking to in line, bailed as soon as they found out what the place was. I think I said something like “the gays chased my girls away.

So, as I continued to get bombed4 my Sister, knowing I am totally pissed went over and talked to a huddle of gay boys. Brought them over to tell me the following, “oh honey, we gave the straights the color pink years ago. Everyone here is keeps talking about the well dressed straight boy and his 2 lesbians. Lets have a drink.” After that was said, we all got bombed and I kissed Jen at midnight. Ended up having a nice time… After the reality of the moment faded.

Moral of the story, never trust my Sister when she suggests a place to go, without double checking with other sources.

1Our first mistake.

2If you ever hear “lets go to Adam’s Morgan, punch that person in the face.

3You couldn’t miss these things, they were a size double G or something. Once, I put her bra on my head and pretended I was working a rice patty. I thought it was funny.

4What else do you do in this situation?

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We drink this stuff like water on the base…

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

“We drink this stuff like water at the base,” were my buddy Mike D’s last word one fateful New Years Eve…

Let me rewind the tape and throw some seasoning on your brain. It was New Years 1998 going into 1999. There were about 20 people assembled; the entire surf crew from New Smyrna Beach and we met up at LB’s house. Our plan, roll out to NSB and party like the rock stars we were, on the beach. This particular evening Mike D was joining us fresh off leave from the Air Force and lets just say, he was ready to aim high.

There was more people than cars/trucks, so being a nice evening (50 degrees in Florida mid-January) Mike D and I rode in the back of Phillips truck. On the way out Mike D and I caught up on things. During the conversation he pulls out a bottle of  Bacardi Limon. For those that have never had this crap, it is a lemon flavored rum that tastes like lemon heads with way too much sugar and that taste you get after smelling rubbing alcohol. Either way, we decided it would be a good idea to drink the bottle on the way out to the beach. This is where it got interesting. Mike D looks at me and with all seriousness says, “Dude, we drink this stuff like water on the base, do you think you can hang?” My reply, “shit ya!”

We roll into NSB about 25 minutes later and I am ready to rock out with my cock out! However, Mike D was a bit more sluggish than I was. He made it out of the truck and kind of stumbles around a bit,  looks at me funny and goes white. He is not having a good day. Crawls back into the truck and yacks all over himself! Like Ol’ faithful, he let it rip. All. Over. His. Clothes. What was a really wasted JP doing at this time you might ask? The only logical thing possible. I was running up and down the beach wearing only cowboy boots with a girl that joined us for the evening.*

Cops came and 3 am rolled around; we all decided it was time to go back to LB’s house and continue the party. Hell, I wasn’t driving. The problem was I had to ride back with puke boy; this is where the naked girl was really cool and joined me in the back of the truck.** We roll up to LB’s house and I shit you not, this is what happened next.

We pull up and Mike D asks the girl and I if we had arrived. I said, “dude, where have you been, we never left LB’s house. You got so wasted in the back of the truck, we just left you there.” He crawls out of the truck and say’s, “well fuck you guys for leaving me here, I’m going to bed.” He stumbles to the back porch and curls up in a ball and crashes the fuck out.

So Mike D is laid out on the porch and LB comes walking out with his new puppy. As we crack another beer and get talking we see the puppy stroll over to Mike D’s jacket, sniff him, and I shit you not, pissed on his head. Seriously, this little 15 lb labrador pissed out the Rio Grande all over Mike D. We could not believe it! The best part is while the dog was watering Mike D, no one stopped him. We couldn’t! We were all laughing to damn hard. Even Baby Jesus was laughing about this one. Thinking all the excitement had concluded, we see Mike D roll over into huge pile of his own puke.

Being the good friends we were, we broke out the hose and sprayed him down. He was so wasted that it didn’t even phase him. Fast forward your tape deck to the morning and a wet, cold and really gnarly Mike D emerges. He asked the group of us (who looked pretty bad ourselves) what had happened last night. No one could hold it in. We all broke out in laughter! Then, the very mellow baritone voice of Chad emerged, “Bro, you got so shitfaced that you puked on yourself at the beach. Then again when we got back home, and again when you got mad and passed out on the porch.” Mike D then asks, “well what the fuck is so funny?”

I will never forget what  Chad said next,”Bro, you remember how you liked LB’s new puppy so much before we left the house. Well, he liked you too. While you were passed out, he marked you as his territory. So, dude, we are laughing because the dog made you his bitch and pissed all over you.”

Mike D stormed out and refused to talk to us for like 3 weeks. To this day he gets pissed if you mention what happened that night. Probably, because we can’t help laughing while telling it…

  • I thought it was cool to wear cowboy boots, pants, and a t-shirt. I have since learned, but think its still cool.
  • *She totally rocked!

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Resolutions are for the weak

Some people are really incessant about really go out of their way to make resolutions for the new year and slowly forget somewhere in April or May, that the calendar never really changed; neither did they. I dislike resolutions, because let’s face it I like perpetual change on a large scale. I like changing jobs, scenery, and gainfully accept my role as a life long student. This year I am expecting to see a huge return on my previous 2008 investment (of which was time and energy), making the 2009’s anticipated outlook quite promising. But, I have to say I hate waiting and I have done my part to make things work. All my friends are quite encouraging that these (life) changes will be great and memorable; however, I feel my patience waining like a crack head looking for their next fix.

Even with these monumental changes (when they happen), I still enjoy the small things in my life, things that have gone unchanged for years. Like my inability to communicate before 10 am, the fact that all things are weighed on a scale of payoff vs. laziness, and my friends (who have been around for 15 plus years). I still obsess how the dishes are supposed to be loaded in the dishwasher and when I get up in the morning, my activities must follow a certain pattern (not necessarily a time table) or else the Earth WILL melt down; this I am convinced.

If I was forced did have to select a resolution I would resolve to do more things that entertain me. Like leave the country for an extended period of time and go kayaking, or try to speak Spanish after a few shots of Beam. Basically, I would resolve to be a better me more entertaining me and hope to find someone or people that will join in on my tomfoolery without bias, resistance, or condemnation. Will you join my resistance movement?

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As binding as a pinky swear

With the new year on the horizon, I felt the follow is important to have handy when having others join you at social events. Please note this is an adaptation of a mailer I received from the lovely folks at Camel and can be used for any social situation, not just this evening.

The undersigned agrees that any and all events related to or involving_______________ on the eve of______________ are confidential in nature and shall not to be spoken of to anyone. EVER.

And by “anyone,” I mean any person or persons Not involved, present, or even thought of during said event’s with EXPLICIT emphasis on _______________’s girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife OR authorities of any kind. This also implies your significant other and supersedes all spousal rights.

Acknowledgment of this agreement therefore entitles the undersigned to _____________________.

Failure to recognize this legally binding document will result in_________________seeking compensation in the form of ________________, from the undersigned individual________________.

If compensatory damages are not paid, ______________________’s services will be hired to seek out and destroy _______________’s social and political life/connections in the form of public humiliation and or flogging.

I __________________ Understand that there is no photography, video, or any other recording devices allowed to be present at anytime during the eve of______________. Also, any and all extra persons invited to said event must be agreed upon and cleared by ________________ and ________________.

Signed:________________________

Date:______________________

Witness:________________________

(For office use only)

Approved:________

Denied:_________

Any supporting documentation:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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