not that i’m jealous…

What’s good, kids?  f.B, here.

When the genius behind The Gospel… — JP — asked me to walk a mile in his shoes, Pressure by Lupe Fiasco was the first thing that jumped into my head.  The chorus has a line — “I’ll take the pressure off of you” — that seemed to make great guest-blogging material.

But that has nothing to do with this post.  At all, really.

So let’s get down to business…



It’s a sultry, ugly hooker: we know how desperate it makes us look, but it’s so convincing.  It’s good at what it does.

Why jealousy today?  Well, like any other day, I was following Ludacris’ tweets last Thursday.  Yes, that Ludacris.  We go back like we knew each other from a while ago.   He does a daily “battle of the sexes” question and that day it was:

Ludacris (ludajuice) on TwitterApparently it’s easy to keep it within 140 characters when u dnt use rl wrdz.

But the responses?  People are crazy, kids.

Some of the best ones:
1. drive-bys to verify whereabouts
2. sniffing private parts
3. stakeouts that involve binoculars
4. “i’ve had 1 ex set my car on fire & 1 created an email address 1 letter off from my ex’s email & started writing me from it, lol”

Let’s talk about this last one for a second.  This one starts with “set my car on fire” and ends with “lol.”  Now, I don’t actually use “lol” much, so I may not have any real expertise here, but I can’t help but feel it’s out of context in that sentence.

Assuming, ma’am¹, that you weren’t in the car, that’s still a pretty felony-ig’nant² tactical maneuver.  Felony-ig’nant.  There are three types of men that set your car on fire: dudes that have been on the lam, dudes that are currently on the lam and dudes that are about to be on the lam.  And note: some guys are all three.

But you laughed it off, like the week before that you had gotten slaphappy with some kerosene yourself, like you just couldn’t wait to exhale.  So, congratulations.  I hope the two of you can find a way to reunite and have many babies that should’ve been handjobs instead.

And for those of you who’ve had people sniff your private parts…  What you meant to say is that you let them sniff your private parts.  ‘Cause you didn’t wake up to a stealth crotch ‘n sniff, right?  It happened while you were awake.

him: you’ve been cheating on me.
her: what? no. i love you…
him: if you loved me, you’d let me sniff you; sniff you real good.
her: i guess it’s only fair…
him: *sniff, sniff* you slept with my brother!

You let someone sniff your crotch for evidence of recent usage.  Bravo.  You stay classy.

I, personally, would never sniff crotch for the stench of others, allow mine to be sniffed, or set an automobile ablaze.  But readers: don’t be afraid to tell us all something crazy you’ve done out of jealousy.  If it was a subversive crotch ‘n sniff attack and you’re a nether-smelling ninja, be who you are.  This is a safe zone.

¹The Twitter name suggests a lady and her timeline suggested hetero. Of course, I could be wrong.
²felony-ig’nant: (fe-luh-nē – ig-nint). Ignorant enough to merit criminal charges.



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9 responses to “not that i’m jealous…

  1. Pingback: on the road again… « the Change I Wish to See

  2. Wait- are women like drug sniffing dogs? Can they tell that kind of stuff just be sniffing around?

    Women are not like drug-sniffing dogs. Just looking out for you; thinking that might get you hurt. Creepy-jealous people of any gender are like drug-sniffing dogs.

  3. I’ve gotta say, I’ve had my jealous moments, but I don’t really *do* anything. Unless being passive-aggressive counts as doing something? Oops…I’m trying to be better.

    Haha. Passive-aggressively not doing something can count as doing something. If you do it right.

  4. One of my boyfriend’s and my running jokes is that I should turn into one of those stalker gfs who texts him every 10 minutes with “WHO IS SHE IS SHE HOT OMG YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME!!11!!”

    I’ve never actually done this, but the joke was inspired by my roommate, who broke up with her boyfriend after she dreamt that he got a text from an ex. They have since got back together, and continue to break up once or twice a week.

    Healthy stuff here.

    Once or twice a week? Change — frequent, sporatic change — is good for the heart. Keeps it on its toes. Doesn’t let it get too comfortable and sure of itself.

  5. SLG

    I haven’t sniffed a crotch, and I haven’t had mine sniffed…. but I have considered torching a truck or two.

    Jealousy certainly seems to be the theme of the day!

    It’s always a theme. It lurks.

  6. “felony-ig’nant”

    I’ll give you a dollar if you find a way to bust this out at the picnic tomorrow. Maxie and I might have to commit a crime to make it happen, but it’s worth it.

    One whole dollar? No takebacks. You promised.

  7. crotch sniffing? wow some people are incredbily talented…or just overly paranoid and jealous. would you even want to be with someone if they asked to smell you? I’d be weirded out.

    I have some crazy friends tho…
    i’ve never done anything crazy, but my friend destroyed her ex boyfriends car and the other “forgot” her birth control and now he’s stuck with their baby. Sucks to be him.

    That’s a good point. I guess crotch sniffing does take some skill. Perhaps I underestimated it.

  8. “…don’t be afraid to tell us all something crazy you’ve done out of jealousy.”

    Statute of limitations isn’t up yet.

    Ruling? Legal team is still shaking heads “no”.

    Sorry, no can do.

    I hope that legal team looks like the traveling band of lawyers on The Simpsons.

  9. magicjones

    I like sultry ugly hookers.

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