What’s good, kids? f.B, here.
When the genius behind The Gospel… — JP — asked me to walk a mile in his shoes, Pressure by Lupe Fiasco was the first thing that jumped into my head. The chorus has a line — “I’ll take the pressure off of you” — that seemed to make great guest-blogging material.
But that has nothing to do with this post. At all, really.
So let’s get down to business…
It’s a sultry, ugly hooker: we know how desperate it makes us look, but it’s so convincing. It’s good at what it does.
Why jealousy today? Well, like any other day, I was following Ludacris’ tweets last Thursday. Yes, that Ludacris. We go back like we knew each other from a while ago. He does a daily “battle of the sexes” question and that day it was:
Apparently it’s easy to keep it within 140 characters when u dnt use rl wrdz.
But the responses? People are crazy, kids.
Some of the best ones:
1. drive-bys to verify whereabouts
2. sniffing private parts
3. stakeouts that involve binoculars
4. “i’ve had 1 ex set my car on fire & 1 created an email address 1 letter off from my ex’s email & started writing me from it, lol”
Let’s talk about this last one for a second. This one starts with “set my car on fire” and ends with “lol.” Now, I don’t actually use “lol” much, so I may not have any real expertise here, but I can’t help but feel it’s out of context in that sentence.
Assuming, ma’am¹, that you weren’t in the car, that’s still a pretty felony-ig’nant² tactical maneuver. Felony-ig’nant. There are three types of men that set your car on fire: dudes that have been on the lam, dudes that are currently on the lam and dudes that are about to be on the lam. And note: some guys are all three.
But you laughed it off, like the week before that you had gotten slaphappy with some kerosene yourself, like you just couldn’t wait to exhale. So, congratulations. I hope the two of you can find a way to reunite and have many babies that should’ve been handjobs instead.
And for those of you who’ve had people sniff your private parts… What you meant to say is that you let them sniff your private parts. ‘Cause you didn’t wake up to a stealth crotch ‘n sniff, right? It happened while you were awake.
him: you’ve been cheating on me.
her: what? no. i love you…
him: if you loved me, you’d let me sniff you; sniff you real good.
her: i guess it’s only fair…
him: *sniff, sniff* you slept with my brother!
You let someone sniff your crotch for evidence of recent usage. Bravo. You stay classy.
I, personally, would never sniff crotch for the stench of others, allow mine to be sniffed, or set an automobile ablaze. But readers: don’t be afraid to tell us all something crazy you’ve done out of jealousy. If it was a subversive crotch ‘n sniff attack and you’re a nether-smelling ninja, be who you are. This is a safe zone.
¹The Twitter name suggests a lady and her timeline suggested hetero. Of course, I could be wrong.
²felony-ig’nant: (fe-luh-nē – ig-nint). Ignorant enough to merit criminal charges.