Riot Soda’s!

In the spirit of the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia season finale, I decided to share with you the finale of JP’s Funky Farmhouse Saison. For those wondering what the hell I am talking about, a Saison is classified by the Beer Judge Certification Program as:

Aroma: High fruitiness with low to moderate hop aroma and moderate to no herb, spice and alcohol aroma.  Fruity esters dominate the aroma and are often reminiscent of citrus fruits such as oranges or lemons.  A low to medium-high spicy or floral hop aroma is usually present.  A moderate spice aroma (from actual spice additions and/or yeast-derived phenols) complements the other aromatics.  When phenolics are present they tend to be peppery rather than clove-like.  A low to moderate sourness or acidity may be present, but should not overwhelm other characteristics.  Spice, hop and sour aromatics typically increase with the strength of the beer.  Alcohols are soft, spicy and low in intensity, and should not be hot or solventy.  The malt character is light.  No diacetyl.

Appearance: Often a distinctive pale orange but may be golden or amber in color.  There is no correlation between strength and color.  Long-lasting, dense, rocky white to ivory head resulting in characteristic “Belgian lace” on the glass as it fades.  Clarity is poor to good though haze is not unexpected in this type of unfiltered farmhouse beer.  Effervescent.

Flavor: Combination of fruity and spicy flavors supported by a soft malt character, a low to moderate alcohol presence and tart sourness.  Extremely high attenuation gives a characteristic dry finish.  The fruitiness is frequently citrusy (orange- or lemon-like).  The addition of one of more spices serve to add complexity, but shouldn’t dominate in the balance.  Low peppery yeast-derived phenols may be present instead of or in addition to spice additions; phenols tend to be lower than in many other Belgian beers, and complement the bitterness.  Hop flavor is low to moderate, and is generally spicy or earthy in character.  Hop bitterness may be moderate to high, but should not overwhelm fruity esters, spices, and malt.  Malt character is light but provides a sufficient background for the other flavors.  A low to moderate tart sourness may be present, but should not overwhelm other flavors.  Spices, hop bitterness and flavor, and sourness commonly increase with the strength of the beer while sweetness decreases.  No hot alcohol or solventy character.  High carbonation, moderately sulfate water, and high attenuation give a very dry finish with a long, bitter, sometimes spicy aftertaste.  The perceived bitterness is often higher than the IBU level would suggest.  No diacetyl.

Mouthfeel: Light to medium body.  Alcohol level can be medium to medium-high, though the warming character is low to medium.  No hot alcohol or solventy character.  Very high carbonation with an effervescent quality.  There is enough prickly acidity on the tongue to balance the very dry finish.  A low to moderate tart character may be present but should be refreshing and not to the point of puckering.

Overall Impression: A refreshing, medium to strong fruity/spicy ale with a distinctive yellow-orange color, highly carbonated, well hopped, and dry with a quenching acidity.

History: A seasonal summer style produced in Wallonia, the French-speaking part of Belgium.  Originally brewed at the end of the cool season to last through the warmer months before refrigeration was common.  It had to be sturdy enough to last for months but not too strong to be quenching and refreshing in the summer.  It is now brewed year-round in tiny, artisanal breweries whose buildings reflect their origins as farmhouses.

Comments: Varying strength examples exist (table beers of about 5% strength, typical export beers of about 6.5%, and stronger versions of 8%+).  Strong versions (6.5%-9.5%) and darker versions (copper to dark brown/black) should be entered as Belgian Specialty Ales (16E).  Sweetness decreases and spice, hop and sour character increases with strength.  Herb and spice additions often reflect the indigenous varieties available at the brewery.  High carbonation and extreme attenuation (85-95%) helps bring out the many flavors and to increase the perception of a dry finish.  All of these beers share somewhat higher levels of acidity than other Belgian styles while the optional sour flavor is often a variable house character of a particular brewery.

Ingredients: Pilsner malt dominates the grist though a portion of Vienna and/or Munich malt contributes color and complexity.  Sometimes contains other grains such as wheat and spelt.  Adjuncts such as sugar and honey can also serve to add complexity and thin the body.  Hop bitterness and flavor may be more noticeable than in many other Belgian styles.  A saison is sometimes dry-hopped.  Noble hops, Styrian or East Kent Goldings are commonly used.  A wide variety of herbs and spices are often used to add complexity and uniqueness in the stronger versions, but should always meld well with the yeast and hop character.  Varying degrees of acidity and/or sourness can be created by the use of gypsum, acidulated malt, a sour mash or Lactobacillus.  Hard water, common to most of Wallonia, can accentuate the bitterness and dry finish.

All this really means is the beer I brewed for the 2009 Sam Adams Long Shot Competition, that has been fermenting since February, has finally been bottled. I seriously thought about throwing out this batch, until my former boss gave me a wicked going away gift. I gave him 2 sample bottles of my last competition batch and he kept a bottle. Meaning, he kept a bottle of the original batch of JP’s Funky Farmhouse Ale and we opened it the day I left my job. Ladies and gentlemen, it was fabulous and I decided to press forward with the 5 gallons in my closet that has been temp controlled and untouched since February.

So, without further delay, here are some photos from the bottling process:

5 Gallons of glorious Riot Soda

Hops, Malts, and Grains go in, and beer comes out.

As I was filling this bottle and taking pics, it spilled all over the floor. The things I do for my readers.

Capping is kind of a pain in the ass, but must be done.

Riot Soda's Complete!

So, hopefully in one week these bad boys should be carbonated and ready for deployment. Maybe if you are lucky, you can try one too! Later Bitches!!!

P.S. I will be making an appearance at the Happy Hour at Private Bar this Friday. Holla atcha Boi if you will be there too!

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Winter Wonderland

Normally I really would post about the weather, unless it was a hurricane and the waves were really good. However, during my second week in Deez C, it got a little cold. Well, really effin cold. So, last Saturday this was the scene at my apartment:

My poor car!

My friend getting covered in snow

The entire complex was covered

Ahh the joys of trying to do a beer run in the snow

So those of you still enjoying 70 or 80 degree weather, just remember your friend in the great white north.

P.S. As I write this today, all of that wonderful snow has melted and it now looks like a swamp in front of my place. Boo for that!

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JP goes to DC… for good!

I am finally back after a very busy week. Hmm, where do I begin?

  • Thanksgiving, got to hang out with a portion of the extended family out in Tampa, which was very nice to see everyone. Packed up last Friday and said my good bye’s to all of my friends. I shoved my entire life’s collection of crap into a Uhaul.

Truck and Car ready for the trip up

  • Friday night/Saturday morning, we were properly sent off by 2 close friends at 1 am. My sister, dog, and I set out for DC all piled into a very tiny truck cab.

The view from the porch of where I just left. I will miss this view.

  • Saturday, rolled into town around 2:30 and got ready for the UF v. FSU game. During the first quarter I unloaded all of my shit into the house. Seriously, I just slammed and jammed all of it into the house. By 4pm I was sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching Florida kick the piss out of FSU. What a great gift!
  • Sunday and Monday I spent my time unpacking and playing the “I haven’t seen or used this item in a year, so it goes in the trash” game. It’s amazing how much crap I truly have.
  • Tuesday, went to an interview at a temp agency and felt out right dumb after all the “office skills” testing, How do I not remember fractions? I so won at life that day.
  • Wednesday, my birthday. First off, thank you to everyone for the calls, tweets, texts and other various messages.[1] I went to an interview, which I was not very excited about to be honest. A friend of mine set it up for me and I went to hear out what they had to say… I was blown away in every way, about this job and possible career. It was one of the best interviews I have ever been on and was just chill. I met with the Project Manager and the Team Manager and the entire time we were cracking jokes and having a very serious conversation at the same time. I was a gleaming bright fucking star at this thing. As we parted ways they told me if I was a fit that I would receive an email with an application for hire.
  • On my drive home from the interview, I got an email from the job saying they want me! Got home and got an email that read “JP Welcome to DC! I am submitting your offer letter and putting it in for a shit ton of money.” You have to love when your friend is in control of your hiring status after the initial interview!
  • Thursday, had to be up early for an anal probing by the government. Seriously, I spent almost 4 hours of my life filling out paperwork about my life. It was a very odd and eerie feeling having ones life on paper for the government to see. My paranoia is still not under control.
  • Thursday night, went on a date with a very cool woman. At first, I didn’t know if we would have too much in common as she is not my typical “type”; no tattoos, nor piercings and well-educated. We met up with and  I was very impressed with her candor and conviviality. There was not lag or lull in the conversation and we joked all night long. Initially, had a few beers and discussed where we were from and what we would like to do with the future. It is very nice to sit and converse with a smart and sharp minded individual. After a few beers, we hit the town to see the National Christmas tree. It was a beautiful scene with the tree lit and the White House in the foreground.

  • After the tree we traipsed all over town in search of a bar, which was an adventure in itself. During our tour of the city we quoted random episodes of Sunny and just laughed. I had a really nice tine last night and would go out with her again. If it doesn’t work out on a dating level, I can see the two of us being friends.
  • Today, I have to get more probing from the government and I have dinner plans with some friends[2]
  • Tomorrow is the Florida v. Alabama game and I totally stoked. I have nothing but bloody mary’s and beer planned for the afternoon. Time to put the stresses of life on hold while I get tanked and yell at the tv.
  • Next week, after the massive hangover I will have, I will be back on the job hunt for some kind of temp work until the government clears me. Back to the hustle I guess.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends that have helped me in the past few weeks and everyone for their support. It has been quite a ride so far and there will be many more obstacles to over come in the next few weeks. Just know, your support keeps me hustling strong… PIMP HAND!


[1] @Ihatesomuch @Livitluvit I so would have come out and met you, but I had a very early and important meeting the next day. Rain check bishes!

[2] Actually, I was told that we have plans. This is why I need a social secretary!

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1 Year ago…

Check out how it all began: Click Here

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Creepy bathroom guy

Today, we need to discuss something that plagues both males and females when out and about on the town…this guy:

bathroom_attendant

The creepy bathroom attendant! This guy or girl depending on where you are at, is lurking in the restroom to soap your hands and give your towels. On top of that, they try to sell you goods and various items for your consumption… out of the fucking bathroom. Seriously guy, you want me to buy your nuts after I was just handling mine? Piss off!

Though, its not the items sold or how they pressure you into hygiene. It is there blatant lack of respect for man code and their request for a tip afterwards. Lets review for the ladies out there who may not know a few key points of man code in the bathroom (or those that think man code is lame):

No urinal shall be used when the adjacent urinal is in use by another man. Exemptions: At sporting events where there are not enough urinals or there is a line, adjacent urinals may be used.

In the event that both outside urinals are occupied, this is a good time to check hair for balding spots, scratch itchy regions, tie shoes, or check voicemail. Do no, repeat, do not, use the middle urinal unless there is a line.

When entering a bathroom with several urinals (4 or more), and one of the end ones is in use, use a urinal no farther than 2 away for the occupied urinal, but never adjacent too it. Standing too far away communicates a fear of male genitalia, which can be construed as overcompensation for the appreciation of other men.

When using the urinal, do not speak to another man or begin a conversation. It is acceptable to continue a previously started conversation, but only if the other man continues it, and subjects are limited to sports, girls, evening plans, and food. If the other man lets the conversation drop, you are obligated to do the same until use of the urinal is concluded.

When using the urinal, keep your eyes on your own equipment or the wall immediately in front of you. Failure to comply will result in the loss of man status.

Upon completion of the urinal use, zip up at the urinal before turning to face anyone else. Previous conversations can re-start once the zip up procedure is completed. NOTE: if another man fails to zip up, it is NOT helpful to point out his mistake. Allow him to realize this on his own; do not make awkward comments or focus on the unzipped region.

Speaking is allowed if required, such as the circumstance of standing in line at a ball game and needing to communicate who is next. However, if possible, insert awkward head nods, grunts, and other non verbals wherever possible.

When using the sink, it acceptable to continue a conversation. Even here however, it is not the appropriate time to begin a conversation. You’re in the bathroom, why would you be talking?

 

That last one, why are you talking? That applies to all in the bathroom, including you creepy bathroom guy. There is no need for me to buy any of your shit, nor is there a need for you to soap my hands and pass me a towel. I am not a cripple and I sure as hell don’t want to talk to you. Oh, you want a tip too? Here’s a tip, get the fuck outta my way or I will beat your ass for being lame. Seriously, I am sure there is good money in working in a men’s room, but that’s like saying that you are homeless for the tax write offs… it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

To the owner if the establishment, if you have an attendant in the mens room, I will never return to your place of business again. I don’t care if they think it is Klassy in Jersey, it’s not and you should be shot for thinking so.

 

For the people that still don’t have a clue what I have written about, please watch the video below:

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JP goes Viral!

 

 

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Briefly interrupt your service

demotivational-poster-Motivation - Office Space

 

 

Few reasons why I have not been on in a while:

  1. Since I quit my job, they have given me a replacement to train. This means I have the “new guy” sitting next to me all day as I show him the ropes. This will go on until I leave. This means no blog, Twitter, or sexy G-Chat messages ya’ll are used to. I feel disconnected.
  2. I am still recovering from all the parties that have been thrown in my honor.
  3. I have been very distracted with some new things in my life.
  4. Getting ready to move has been a bit stressful.
  5. By the end of the day, I have nothing more to say, to anyone.

 

I have been tempted to do V-Log if I can figure it out. So, stay tuned and I will try to bring you a few stories from the past few weeks.

 

Thanks for dropping in,

JP

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