Author Archives: BerrakBiz

My Poop Smells Like Poopourri

Well well well…Look who’s back…It’s me, the neurotic DCPrincess

Last time I was here, I was drooling all over Zooey Deschanel because she is absolutely amazing. But today, I want to talk to you about something else.

I just wish I knew what that something else was.

See, I get all excited when someone says they’re looking for guest posters, jump the gun and then when the time comes, I have shit to say!

That’s it.

Let’s talk about shit! (Lexa, you might wanna skip this one)

See, I just spent 5 minutes of my life talking about pooping with the two sexy bitches I live with…and I think C is going to steal my pooping pose*. I’ll cut her if she does!

*ahem*

Speaking of my roomies, when I moved to this house, I discovered something AMAZING. You should definitely use it for your stinkiest poops**!

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

So…poop. I’m sorry but does anyone else love taking a shit as much as I do?

Is that not the sexiest sentence you’ve ever read***?

I could end the blog here and let the shit hit the fan.

Why are women so afraid of pooping? Or talking about pooping?  Also, am I the only one that likes to take magazines/books into the bathroom when I know I’ll be there a while? (I meant the ladies…We know guys like that). At my parents’ place, I used to have magazines and books stacked up in the bathroom closet just for that purpose.

Sometimes though, I forget that the poop is done and just sit there on the toilet reading. What?! The books I read are GOOD! I forget about my butt sometimes…though I’m not sure how because it is HUGE.

The worst though? It’s the period poop.  Come on ladies…You know what I’m talking about…You have those awful cramps, the pain killers aren’t doing anything and you know the only way you can get a tad bit relief is by pooping. It’s painful, it’s frustrating and it sometimes ends up being the ‘ghost poop’ but it is oh so glorious.

Speaking of which, my cramps are getting worse…Oh, I should go before I fart in here and stink up JP’s home for the next guest.

*I may demonstrate at LiLu & Maxie‘s wedding if I’m persuaded (re: drunk) enough.

**From their FAQ on the site:
Q: What about the gas that escapes?
A: While the product works great at eliminating bathroom odors, it is designed to trap and neutralize odors IN the toilet. If you experience residual smells due to gas, we suggest you spray Poo~Pourri lightly in the air after using the restroom. Be careful, oil overspray may cause slippery surfaces or damage to materials.
Q: What about floating waste matter?
A: By the way, this is the most commonly asked question by guys (go figure). Yes, it works great on floaters because as they penetrate the film they are coated. When they surface they are encapsulated with Poo~Pourri eliminating potential bathroom odors. No need to worry. (Heh, they said penetrate)

***Try not to faint from my sexiness guys. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

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PQ’s Current Love

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey there JP-land. I’m PQ…Princess Q or just Q if you wish…I’m not picky.  When JP asked me to write a guest post today, I had absolutely no idea where to start. Do I just ramble? Do I start with a joke? End with a joke? Do I get serious? OHMYGOD THE PRESSURE! And then…I saw a commercial on TV and I was mesmerized. The commercial was about cotton but…that’s not what mesmerized me…though cotton IS pretty fab…

No…It was the gorgeous woman IN the commercial.

Have you met Zooey?

I first saw Zooey in The Happening.  Aside from Mark Wahlberg’s ZILLION EXRESSIONS(!), Zoe was what really got me hooked to the movie. Who WAS this gorgeous creature? God, could she be more adorable? Any sweeter? Sexier?

Have you SEEN THOSE EYES?

Can’t you just imagine waking up to her every morning? I can. I have. She is my new love.

And then…I watched Yes, Man AND THERE SHE WAS! SINGING! Being frigging AMAZING!

Seriously. Where has she been ALL MY LIFE?

My life will now revolve around all things Zooey. Because she is the most amazing woman I have ever seen.

EVER.

Who is your current crush…male or female…or both?

Isn’t Zooey amazing? SHE’S ALL MINE DAMN IT!

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