Creepy bathroom guy

Today, we need to discuss something that plagues both males and females when out and about on the town…this guy:

bathroom_attendant

The creepy bathroom attendant! This guy or girl depending on where you are at, is lurking in the restroom to soap your hands and give your towels. On top of that, they try to sell you goods and various items for your consumption… out of the fucking bathroom. Seriously guy, you want me to buy your nuts after I was just handling mine? Piss off!

Though, its not the items sold or how they pressure you into hygiene. It is there blatant lack of respect for man code and their request for a tip afterwards. Lets review for the ladies out there who may not know a few key points of man code in the bathroom (or those that think man code is lame):

No urinal shall be used when the adjacent urinal is in use by another man. Exemptions: At sporting events where there are not enough urinals or there is a line, adjacent urinals may be used.

In the event that both outside urinals are occupied, this is a good time to check hair for balding spots, scratch itchy regions, tie shoes, or check voicemail. Do no, repeat, do not, use the middle urinal unless there is a line.

When entering a bathroom with several urinals (4 or more), and one of the end ones is in use, use a urinal no farther than 2 away for the occupied urinal, but never adjacent too it. Standing too far away communicates a fear of male genitalia, which can be construed as overcompensation for the appreciation of other men.

When using the urinal, do not speak to another man or begin a conversation. It is acceptable to continue a previously started conversation, but only if the other man continues it, and subjects are limited to sports, girls, evening plans, and food. If the other man lets the conversation drop, you are obligated to do the same until use of the urinal is concluded.

When using the urinal, keep your eyes on your own equipment or the wall immediately in front of you. Failure to comply will result in the loss of man status.

Upon completion of the urinal use, zip up at the urinal before turning to face anyone else. Previous conversations can re-start once the zip up procedure is completed. NOTE: if another man fails to zip up, it is NOT helpful to point out his mistake. Allow him to realize this on his own; do not make awkward comments or focus on the unzipped region.

Speaking is allowed if required, such as the circumstance of standing in line at a ball game and needing to communicate who is next. However, if possible, insert awkward head nods, grunts, and other non verbals wherever possible.

When using the sink, it acceptable to continue a conversation. Even here however, it is not the appropriate time to begin a conversation. You’re in the bathroom, why would you be talking?

 

That last one, why are you talking? That applies to all in the bathroom, including you creepy bathroom guy. There is no need for me to buy any of your shit, nor is there a need for you to soap my hands and pass me a towel. I am not a cripple and I sure as hell don’t want to talk to you. Oh, you want a tip too? Here’s a tip, get the fuck outta my way or I will beat your ass for being lame. Seriously, I am sure there is good money in working in a men’s room, but that’s like saying that you are homeless for the tax write offs… it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

To the owner if the establishment, if you have an attendant in the mens room, I will never return to your place of business again. I don’t care if they think it is Klassy in Jersey, it’s not and you should be shot for thinking so.

 

For the people that still don’t have a clue what I have written about, please watch the video below:

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “Creepy bathroom guy

  1. You are 100% correct.

    This is the most awkward social situation imaginable: being forced to interact with a stranger who’s job it is to stand around in the bathroom while you urinate/defecate in their presence.

    God bless anyone out there who actually has this job. But he/she (she?) must know that I don’t even want to make eye contact with you, let alone be on a first name basis with you while you help me “clean up” and then be expected to find money to compensate you for this awkward exchange.

    And who would want this money? Yes, I just washed my hands, and applied the cologne you offered me, and combed my hair with the comb that’s been floating in antiseptic solution, and shaved, smoked a cigarette thanks to you, but do you really want me handling your money after I took a deuce just 1 minute ago?

    Spot on, JP.

    Thanks Phil, it just had to be said.

  2. Jordan

    I just feel awkward that there are people whose jobs are to hang out in a bathroom all day, while entirely too dressed up for the location.

    Yeah, a tux shirt is completely weird.

  3. I have experienced this as well (sans all the urinal discussion.) There is absolutely no reason to have a woman hand me a paper towel and then look at me expectantly. I can get my own. Sure, I’ll probably thank her, because I feel pressured by societal norms, but no tip. And the thank you? It will be begrudging.

    Yeah, totally uncalled for. They try to get money out of you any way they can.

  4. Oh, man..those folks are the WORST. Especially when they start yammerin’ at you when you JUST.WANT.TO.PISS.

    It is such an asshole job.

  5. k8

    I cannot poop when there’s someone else in the bathroom. Especially when it’s creepy quiet. And if I saw someone like that in the bathroom when I had to sit and stew? I’d hightail it to the creepy bar bathroom in the seediest part of town. Good Lord.

    I am the same way!

  6. Being a guy is complicated.

    As a guy, you are just born knowing this stuff. Millions of years of evolution is at play here.

  7. Jill, that’s what I was thinking. You doods are so complicated!

    No we are not. We are simple and guided by instinct.

  8. Do women have this and, if so, how do I apply?

    I won’t even need a salary.

    You just want to hear the hot girls pooing.

  9. Marie

    I never thought I would say this in all my years but this is the one area where you guys are WAY more complicated than us women. We basically find an empty stall, go in, do our business, walk out, wash hands (unfortunately not all women wash their hands – ew), maybe fix make-up/hair and walk out.

    Yes, there are strict rules to this! Cannot be broken. At. All.

  10. “However, if possible, insert awkward head nods, grunts, and other non verbals wherever possible.”

    I feel like that’s man code for life, not just bathroom etiquette. At least with the guys I know…

    Yes, and this is acceptable for meeting a new guy for the first time as well.

  11. argh, i hate being accosted by those ladies in the bathroom. i do not want to PAY YOU to hand me a paper towel, lady.

    Lol, I could see you jacking up some broad trying to hand you towels.

  12. Have you seen the SNL sketch where Kevin Nealon played an overly attentive bathroom attendant, attempting to wipe and such? I think it may be my favorite of all time.

    I tried finding that clip!!! So awesome.

  13. kim

    Strangers trying to sell you food in the bathroom.
    Hmmmm.

    Its just so wrong!

  14. Matt

    I hate how they stand there and watch you piss… almost like a falcon eyes it’s prey…

    Like superman’s eye’s burning a hole in your back.

  15. Your analysis of our rules deserves an award. Well. Done.

    Some times you have to toss them out there for the unaware.

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