Ever had one of those days when you wake up and your brain feels like lead and not due to a hangover? A day when all the thoughts of a week come crashing in on you? Where serious life choices are now at the forefront of the dome? That my friends is today for me. I feel twitchier than a meth head needing a fix and about as squirrely as a hooker waiting for their test results. Usually, I am pretty good about keeping my head together, but today I feel sorry for and apologize in advance to, all that talk to me. I do not make sense, yet I am methodical and calculating.
I have a massive decision to make and it needs to be made in the next few weeks. While stuck on the rock in the middle of the Caribbean, I about drove myself insane wrestling with this issue. Normally, I do not talk about my struggle with ADD nor do I even let it come up in conversation; however, today it has really taken the best of me. helpguide.org elequolently points out the main contention of this disorder, “while in children, hyperactivity is often displayed as constant squirming and moving, in adults it may be more of a constant feeling of restlessness and agitation. Extreme procrastination, disorganization, trouble making deadlines, and impulsive behavior is common. While most of us have challenges in these areas, someone with Adult ADD/ADHD has these problems constantly, in good times and in bad, and often to the despair of loved ones.”
They go on to say, “… there can also be positive traits associated with this condition. Impulsivity, boundless energy and the tendency to switch tracks constantly may manifest itself as creativity, flexibility, the ability to rapidly adapt to new information or tremendous drive and commitment. One trait common to ADD/ADHD is hyperfocus, the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else, which can lead to creative breakthroughs if harnessed.” The truth is endless in this statement! What they fail to mention is that your brain will become fixated and cycle in a loop, until you hav e driven yourself or everyone else crazy with the same thought process. This often makes for very awkward conversations.
I do have “the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else,” which is the soul root of my issue today. I cannot deviate from it. I haven’t slept in a few days and have been way off the reservation. I have briefly discussed this with someone I trust, but there is an underlying issue all in itself. I would never normally talk about this issue publicly, but for the sanity of others, I had to get it off my chest today.
If you do talk to me today and I seem a bit off or way too fucking intense, know it is not you. Know that I have to pull the trigger on something that scares the shit out of me and my struggle is a bit intense. For those reading this, the struggle is all positive, either thing I decide, it will still be a step in the right direction, maybe a bump in the road or two, but still on course.