Trippin in Babylon with a stumble, but not a fall…

Ever had one of those days when you wake up and your brain feels like lead and not due to a hangover? A day when all the thoughts of a week come crashing in on you? Where serious life choices are now at the forefront of the dome? That my friends is today for me. I feel twitchier than a meth head needing a fix and about as squirrely as a hooker waiting for their test results. Usually, I am pretty good about keeping my head together, but today I feel sorry for and apologize in advance to, all that talk to me. I do not make sense, yet I am methodical and calculating.

I have a massive decision to make and it needs to be made in the next few weeks. While stuck on the rock in the middle of the Caribbean, I about drove myself insane wrestling with this issue. Normally, I do not talk about my struggle with ADD nor do I even let it come up in conversation; however, today it has really taken the best of me. helpguide.org elequolently points out the main contention of this disorder, “while in children, hyperactivity is often displayed as constant squirming and moving, in adults it may be more of a constant feeling of restlessness and agitation. Extreme procrastination, disorganization, trouble making deadlines, and impulsive behavior is common. While most of us have challenges in these areas, someone with Adult ADD/ADHD has these problems constantly, in good times and in bad, and often to the despair of loved ones.”

They go on to say, “… there can also be positive traits associated with this condition. Impulsivity, boundless energy and the tendency to switch tracks constantly may manifest itself as creativity, flexibility, the ability to rapidly adapt to new information or tremendous drive and commitment. One trait common to ADD/ADHD is hyperfocus, the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else, which can lead to creative breakthroughs if harnessed.” The truth is endless in this statement! What they fail to mention is that your brain will become fixated and cycle in a loop, until you hav e driven yourself or everyone else crazy with the same thought process. This often makes for very awkward conversations.

I do have “the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else,” which is the soul root of my issue today. I cannot deviate from it. I haven’t slept in a few days and have been way off the reservation. I have briefly discussed this with someone I trust, but there is an underlying issue all in itself. I would never normally talk about this issue publicly, but for the sanity of others, I had to get it off my chest today.

If you do talk to me today and I seem a bit off or way too fucking intense, know it is not you. Know that I have to pull the trigger on something that scares the shit out of me and my struggle is a bit intense. For those reading this, the struggle is all positive, either thing I decide, it will still be a step in the right direction, maybe a bump in the road or two, but still on course.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Trippin in Babylon with a stumble, but not a fall…

  1. The thing is…once you make a decision, it is made. They are hard and wrenching and I struggle with them too, but there is some relief to just pulling the trigger.

    I know. Half of the decision has been made, logistics are now involved… thus the struggle.

  2. It feels good to get it off your chest, doesn’t it? Good luck with your decision. I hope once you make it, you’ll actually be able to get some sleep. I know that feeling.

    Thanks. It has been 4 or 5 days since I really slept. It is getting out of control.

  3. Often once a decision’s been made – for better or for worse – at least there’s a relief in the articulation or clarification of it; which is to say, once made you know where you stand and you can move on from there.

    Oh yes. I have taken a stand and that is the entire problem. Being focused on a goal and having the motivation to act on it, will cause one to do rash things.

  4. I’m glad you had the courage to step up and finally admit that OOOH! CATERPILLARS!

    LOL, DICK! That is pretty damn funny though.

  5. Blargh! Conflict sucks. Good luck with the decision.

    Thanks for the support.

  6. there is a lot of relief with just pulling the trigger. i’m coming to realize that just doing something and taking the plunge instead of waiting til “the time is right” and overanalyzing it is much better.

    Yeah, its the plunge that’s screwing with me right now.

  7. hellooooo?

    make the damn decision…you never know the outcome until you step thru the door.

    at this point everything is forward…you aren’t allowed to go backwards in this game

    🙂
    v8

    HEY! Yeah, there is no way I am going back…

  8. It’s nice to have the choice be a win-win. Toss a coin and do it!

    Good luck.

    The coin toss is becoming a popular choice with me.

  9. um, just take some of my adderall, duh.

    p.s. i’m baaaaaaaaaaack, baby, and I miss you.

    Ritalin actually. I miss your azz! I can’t wait to see you next weekend. I have to catch you up on some things and will call you later.

  10. k8

    Agonizing over the decision is the worst part. I hear ya. And before my anxiety was medicated properly, those circuits that play the options over and over and over in my head would drive me batty.

    Its like things are in replay mode.

  11. That apprehension… SO the worst part. And yet, I put it off over and over again…

    Yes! This will be a last minute kind of thing.

  12. f.B

    Good luck, dude. Even if it feels like the weight of the world, at least you’re in charge; at least you’re making the decisions and not having them made for you. That means a lot.

    So. Very. True.

  13. I’m glad you made the decision to put this out there because I’m sure it was at least a small weight off your shoulders.

    You’ve said it yourself that whatever decision you make in the end will be towards the right direction and bumps in the road make the ride a bit more fun sometimes, if not just more interesting.

    Actually, I thought it would help or at least take the edge off, but hasn’t made a dent. Bump are interesting, but this one has long standing consequences.

  14. Have you asked anyone for advice? Sometimes it helps to get perspective.

    or flip a coin.

    either way.

    I may toss the actual issue out there and see…

  15. Just A Girl

    What I hate is when you WANT to make a decision but all the info you need and things that have to happen AREN’T READY YET so you just have to sit on it and wait. That’s some bullshit.

    We seriously have issues.

  16. tejasflood

    I usually just consult a magic 8 ball. It has worked so well for me!

    Or, get really wasted and spin the bottle.

  17. Marie

    A little late in reading this, but whenever you need to get something off your chest, just do it. We’re here for you.

    And whatever decision you do finally decide to make, I hope it brings only very, very good things your way.

    Yeah its all good things, just need to pull the trigger

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