Beauty is in the eye of… the creeper.

Hey kids of the JP Gospel! GingerMandy here… I’m the first of the week to terrorize JP’s space while he’s gone wherever the hell he is, so I hope I don’t let you guys down. It’s kinda nice over here actually… I’ll just make my way to the fridge and plop down on the couch. We all know he’s got good beer and this cheapass better have Cinemax…

And hey, note to my readers — be polite… take off your shoes. This is a safe place. And don’t shit on the floor. I don’t need you making me look bad.

Anypoop, I’m going to talk today about dating. Internet dating. We all do it… I don’t think there’s very many single 20something bloggers out there that have never tried the internet dating thing. We’re all kind of in our little bubble that makes us hate the regular sheep of society (OK maybe just me) so we rely on the internet to not only spill our thoughts, but hopefully find a partner. Whatever that partner is for may differ, but we’re all doing it.

I wrote awhile ago how I made a dating profile, and would occasionally discuss my interesting experiences, starting with the guy who drunk dialed me before we even had a date, the one that signed all his text messages Batman, and a few others. I guess when I think about it they haven’t been that bad… just… weird. Well, I got a little tired of the same stupid messages from the same idiots that don’t even bother to read your profile that clearly says “if you just say ‘hi how are you’ I probably won’t respond, so try to make your message somewhat creative and put a little effort into it,” and then send you a message saying “hi how are you today,” so I deleted it.

Then I realized I had no blogging material, so I made another one.

Yesterday I received this message:

…i could paint you ..yes i am an artist…i think i would enjoy your spirited values ……and wow ..i am older ..52..single and free..so perhaps sometime soon after we talk …we could hang out for a day……my self …i seek a friend ..a passionate young lover …a companion….a muse………may i ask ..do you paint or draw …since you like or have an interest in art…??..or would you like to learn..??..i hope that this will interest you ….please do send a reply… i would take it as an honor to paint you someday…..

……………………………..sincerely…..robert

First of all, holy ellipsis. Secondly, umm I don’t have a secondly, I just can’t get over the ellipsis. I’d love to have a conversation with this guy though, “Hi Mandyyyyyyyyy *5 second pause* Can I paint youuuuuuuuu *13 second pause* and so on. I bet he’s got a killer blank stare, too. HOT. Where do I sign up?

I couldn’t ignore this, so this is what I responded.

Hey there! So you want to paint me, huh? When you say paint me, do you mean paint a picture of me, or paint my body? Like painting clothes on me?

And this is what I got:

mandy…… of course i ment paint a picture of you………… i am a water color artist …………… let me question this have you been nude for an artist before….??….. it takes a strong women and open minded but you are too beautiful and could do this for me….?… it would be of a great honor… please let me know…… i would love to pose you and create an art of the work that is your body……………………. thank you……..

……………….robert

The “work that is my body.” It is work stuffing it with pop tarts and beer and mini bar burgers, I’m glad someone can appreciate it. This is my kind of art! So I responded with this:

No I have not been nude for an artist before, but let me ask you this…. if you paint me naked, are you going to include my stretch marks and scars? Or can you leave those out? I’d also like you to add some tattoos to the painting of me. I’d like a few more eventually and this would be a good place to experiment. Right?

No response.

Bummer, dude…. I was really hoping for a false nude photo of myself to put up on my dating profile. He could have helped my game.

So who wants to paint this ass?

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14 Comments

Filed under Non-Sense

14 responses to “Beauty is in the eye of… the creeper.

  1. LOL oh Mandy, scaring the poor sketchy artiste. You’re cruel. And yet so amusing. 😛

  2. Holy shit yo. That’s….oh………………………my god. I would……..love…to punch……………Robert.

    In the face.

  3. I’m so…happy…for you that you…received a message………like this one….and it’s not…………just me.

  4. Hahaha, I wish I’d thought to use ellipses in my comment.

    In fairness, he’s old, he doesn’t know all the hip ways to communicate online. My dad (70) still chats as if he’s writing an email. (“Dear Kristan, […] Love, Dad”)

  5. k8

    It’s always the old men and drunks that find me online. Always.

  6. Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for Beauty is in the eye of… the creeper. « The Gospel of JP [justjp.wordpress.com] on Topsy.com

  7. Ewwww…old guys are gross. I can’t believe you found another freak!

    I love that he wanted to paint a nude WATERCOLOR of you! I also love it took TWO smartass emails to finally shut him up. He was probably so excited you responded to his initial email, he lost his shit (and all rational thought).

  8. Marie

    AWESOME replies. Perfect for a creep like that.

  9. Ali

    Seriously Mandy, you make my life.

  10. f.B

    a. pop tarts are the processed, breakfast “pastry” of champions.

    b. who even says “lover” anymore and means it seriously? oh right: people who call themselves “single and free”

  11. ROFLMAO.
    Aside from being bummed JP is MIA, I’m thrilled you have so ably filled his shoes. And, wowzers, you may have just won the internet dating prize. I want to meet that guy……… seriously.

  12. blondiesblondemoments

    that is hilarious! Some guys are just creepy. I think he got the point

  13. Dude.

    I didn’t know my dad was on a dating website.

  14. Tonya, you’re 38. What’s old and gross to Mandy might be right up your alley!

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