As I drove into work this morning, I noticed something disturbing. In fact I have noticed this for quite some time, this morning it was just more focal. I am sure it had nothing to do with me stuck in traffic for 45 minutes or anything1, at all. I was starring at a really large SUV with the following items stuck to the back window and body:
A sticker that depicted a boy playing baseball and the name Michael underneath.
A sticker that depicted a girl in with pom-poms and the name Summer underneath.2
A sticker that depicted 2 adult stick figures (male and female), 2 smaller stick figures all holding hands, and a picture of a dog and a cat.3
Multiple “ribbons” for the Navy, God Bless America, and some other one I could not readily make out.
3 bumper stickers: 1 about how gay their honor student is, 1 about staying off drugs, and 1 about saving the enviroment.
This was all on the back of 1 vehicle. Now, I came to several conclusions about what I saw this morning, but the biggest one being: Mother EFF you! I do not care about all the aspects of your family. Obviously, you lead a very sheltered middle class life and it is everything I loathe about the present state of our fine country. You are probably the type of person that would ask me upon meeting me, “so, what do you do?” Yeah, the entire thing is out of control and here is why:
Something makes me think that your son will not be a professional baseball player. In fact, if he makes it to college, it would be a miracle. I highly suggest not driving by a Catholic Church any time soon with the blatant advertisement that you have a young impressionable son. Yes, that is what that sticker says; Chris Hanson would give you the same lecture. Could you imagine if he wrestled? Yeah…
Wow, basically you are telling the world that your daughter is a future member of the FHA.4 There are at least 100 college freshmen ready to thank you for the good time they will have with her at the frat house. Yes, in this case she makes it to college, only to develop a really bad and expensive coke habit. She would later meet a nice guy who has a soft spot for reformed hookers, they will have 3 kids and later he will leave her for some other cheap piece of ass.5
This one is pretty self explanatory. Who gives a shit? Seriously, wow, you and your partner have 2 fuck trophies6 and some stray animals along the way. I mean where is the creativity. If I was a hitman and had a contract out on these people, it would be too easy, plus I’d probably do it for free.
There are only 2 acceptable7 types of magnetic ribbons: The yellow for the troops and the Pink for the “save the ta-ta’s”. These 2 are compatible, because lets face it the troops need our support and who doesn’t like boobs? The troops like boobs, so you should support both.
Lets break this down piece by piece: Chances that your honor student stays that way, 1 in 5 and them’s is Vegas adds. Say no to drugs? Tell that to your daughter as she does a line off the make-up table8 back stage while the stage mom yells at her to get her skank ass on stage. Finally, you drive an SUV and concerned with the environment? Listen, I drive a town car and yell at little kids, it fits me. You are driving a suburban assault vehicle say’s “I am a massive hypocritical dick-knuckle.” Nouf said.
All in all, I support individual expression. Hell, even the really obnoxious Dolphins fans that cover their car in blue and orange. I get that. But this commercialized family image has me very lost. Hell, how can you support the modern family these days, I mean you can’t even beat your kids with a belt anymore. Please don’t even get me started about the over consumption of the “causes”! I am glad you support a cause, but the money you spent on that ribbon is probably never going to see that charity. Paulo at the flea market thanks you for your support.
I am not bitter9. I just want people to realize that there are some of us out there that would rather put the time and energy into the causes, rather than provide “fake help”10. Well, back to yelling at little kids and harassing the elderly.
1I really hate my current location with the passion of baby Christ, yanno before the Jew’s got all itchy with the crucifix.
2 Let your daughter pick her own stripper name, duh.
3How awesome would it be to see 2 male stick figures. That would mess up the Christian Collation.
4FHA- Future Ho’s of America
5Truly the American dream
6Fuck Trophy- Kids, but no one really wins in this situation
7Actually there are 3. The 3rd is support strippers. Come on single moms need support too!
8Or the preferred method of doing a line off another strippers ass… I have said too much.
9Fuck that I am really bitter about sitting in traffic this morning.
10Where one say’s they will help, but never do anything productive, yet still take credit for the work done.