You took the jam outta my doughnut!

As I drove into work this morning, I noticed something disturbing. In fact I have noticed this for quite some time, this morning it was just more focal. I am sure it had nothing to do with me stuck in traffic for 45 minutes or anything1, at all. I was starring at a really large SUV with the following items stuck to the back window and body:

  1. A sticker that depicted a boy playing baseball and the name Michael underneath.

  2. A sticker that depicted a girl in with pom-poms and the name Summer underneath.2

  3. A sticker that depicted 2 adult stick figures (male and female), 2 smaller stick figures all holding hands, and a picture of a dog and a cat.3

  4. Multiple “ribbons” for the Navy, God Bless America, and some other one I could not readily make out.

  5. 3 bumper stickers: 1 about how gay their honor student is, 1 about staying off drugs, and 1 about saving the enviroment.

This was all on the back of 1 vehicle. Now, I came to several conclusions about what I saw this morning, but the biggest one being: Mother EFF you! I do not care about all the aspects of your family. Obviously, you lead a very sheltered middle class life and it is everything I loathe about the present state of our fine country. You are probably the type of person that would ask me upon meeting me, “so, what do you do?” Yeah, the entire thing is out of control and here is why:

  1. Something makes me think that your son will not be a professional baseball player. In fact, if he makes it to college, it would be a miracle. I highly suggest not driving by a Catholic Church any time soon with the blatant advertisement that you have a young impressionable son. Yes, that is what that sticker says; Chris Hanson would give you the same lecture. Could you imagine if he wrestled? Yeah…

  2. Wow, basically you are telling the world that your daughter is a future member of the FHA.4 There are at least 100 college freshmen ready to thank you for the good time they will have with her at the frat house. Yes, in this case she makes it to college, only to develop a really bad and expensive coke habit. She would later meet a nice guy who has a soft spot for reformed hookers, they will have 3 kids and later he will leave her for some other cheap piece of ass.5

  3. This one is pretty self explanatory. Who gives a shit? Seriously, wow, you and your partner have 2 fuck trophies6 and some stray animals along the way. I mean where is the creativity. If I was a hitman and had a contract out on these people, it would be too easy, plus I’d probably do it for free.

  4. There are only 2 acceptable7 types of magnetic ribbons: The yellow for the troops and the Pink for the “save the ta-ta’s”. These 2 are compatible, because lets face it the troops need our support and who doesn’t like boobs? The troops like boobs, so you should support both.

  5. Lets break this down piece by piece: Chances that your honor student stays that way, 1 in 5 and them’s is Vegas adds. Say no to drugs? Tell that to your daughter as she does a line off the make-up table8 back stage while the stage mom yells at her to get her skank ass on stage. Finally, you drive an SUV and concerned with the environment? Listen, I drive a town car and yell at little kids, it fits me. You are driving a suburban assault vehicle say’s “I am a massive hypocritical dick-knuckle.” Nouf said.

All in all, I support individual expression. Hell, even the really obnoxious Dolphins fans that cover their car in blue and orange. I get that. But this commercialized family image has me very lost. Hell, how can you support the modern family these days, I mean you can’t even beat your kids with a belt anymore. Please don’t even get me started about the over consumption of the “causes”! I am glad you support a cause, but the money you spent on that ribbon is probably never going to see that charity. Paulo at the flea market thanks you for your support.

I am not bitter9. I just want people to realize that there are some of us out there that would rather put the time and energy into the causes, rather than provide “fake help”10. Well, back to yelling at little kids and harassing the elderly.

1I really hate my current location with the passion of baby Christ, yanno before the Jew’s got all itchy with the crucifix.

2 Let your daughter pick her own stripper name, duh.

3How awesome would it be to see 2 male stick figures. That would mess up the Christian Collation.

4FHA- Future Ho’s of America

5Truly the American dream

6Fuck Trophy- Kids, but no one really wins in this situation

7Actually there are 3. The 3rd is support strippers. Come on single moms need support too!

8Or the preferred method of doing a line off another strippers ass… I have said too much.

9Fuck that I am really bitter about sitting in traffic this morning.

10Where one say’s they will help, but never do anything productive, yet still take credit for the work done.



Filed under Non-Sense

17 responses to “You took the jam outta my doughnut!

  1. Man you’re being a dickwad today. Snap out of it.

    Something fierce today I tell ya.

  2. I love the FHA comment!

    Agreed on the SUV front. Fucking hypocrite. I’m for green, but I don’t put stickers on my car to support it. Probably because half the time I drive a Prius, and that says enough. The other half of the time, I drive a Nissan Frontier pickup. It would be hypocritical of me to tout my green ways so I don’t.

    I drive a V-8 Lincoln and don’t think twice about it. It has a leather interior, to further say, eff you nature.

  3. i actually saw an suv a few days ago with a boys name and a soccer ball, and a girls name and a gymnast. i don’t know why but it made me hate that family with a fiery passion. i just KNEW they had to be snobs. now i know why. because it’s fucking stupid.

    also, the only acceptable bumper stickers are the ones you stated about troops and tits, and one that says “i’m only speeding because i have to poop.” that’s all.

    See you get me. Now fixate on it for 45 minutes as you are stuck behind this person in traffic. That was my morning.

  4. oh, and if you’re driving an SUV, environment stickers are entirely out of the question, unless it says “my SUV could kick your Prius’ ass.”


  5. tejasflood


    You get me!

  6. Marie

    Haha! They had a sticker on their SUV saying they want to help save the environment?! Come on! It would have been even more perfect had their vehicle been a Hummer.

    Its the kind of moment that you want to celebrate with plastic explosives.

  7. blondie

    wow, you are pissed off this morning. I like to read the back of people’s’s a form of entertainment for me. (it is never wrong to make fun of some people)

    Now that being said….Is it wrong if I have a sticker on the back of my car that says “if you are going to ride my butt at least pull my hair”

    just curious…

    That would be the greatest bumper sticker ever! I would totally support that.

  8. I couldn’t even imagine being that proud of my family.

    Wait..that sounds wrong.

    Nope. Nope. Reread it.

    Nail on the head.

    I would be on the news for some mass murder suicide if that was my car.

  9. Wow who peed in your Cheerios?

    I woke up tweaked about some things, this just added fuel to the fire.

  10. Did you forget to drink your coffee this morning, JP?

    3 cups in fact. It seems I am just full of rage today. I wish I was full of booze and not in my current location.

  11. “I am a massive hypocritical dick-knuckle.”

    That made me snort.

    Truth hurts some times.

  12. Racquel Valencia

    So wait, their honours student is a homosexual? They make stickers for that? Huh. Or am I reading this wrong?

    Sometimes I feel too Canadian to comment on blogs and make sense.

    Even though we speak the same language, things are lost in translation. Though I appreciate the Canadian comments. Keep ’em coming.

  13. JPP

    So you don’t find it appealing that on the back of my Toyota I have a stick figure of myself holding a leash with a small little dog?

    I would seriously have to kick my own ass if that last sentence was true. Yikes.

    WOW! I was warming up for an elbow drop there…

  14. My magnetic ribbon is pink with yellow polka dots and I have a bumper sticker that reads:

    “Get off of my ass unless you wanna buy me a steak dinner first.”

    I would so buy you a steak. Hell, I’d spring for the prime rib for you!

  15. LOL@ the dumb SUV driver preaching about saving the environment! Hey how about taking the bus or riding a bike like the rest of us slobs!

    One more thing I don’t understand are some people who plaster their ‘Jeebus trucks’ with a million bumper stickers going on about how “Christian” they are. One or two stickers fine..but I was behind a guy once who had like 10 of them! We get it, you’re Christian and a dumbass. Can we move on please?

    Same guy that beats his wife and is a lousy tipper.

  16. kim

    Number 3 is my favorite.
    And I think I may have a raging crush on you now.
    ps- you’re legally allowed to re-end those vehicles. Seriously, I looked it up.

    I did consult a lawyer on that and under the Douche Bag Act of 2003, you are correct, rear-ending is totally cool. P.S. Your crush is accepted.

  17. I bet that mom got crazy drunk one night in college and got a ridiculous tattoo.

    Hell, she probably even blew the tattoo artist afterwards as a tip.

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