Dear District of Columbia,
Lately, I have noticed that you are not showing me the kind of love and respect I have been throwing your way. I have been trying to hold you close to my heart, but just like every relationship I have had, you keep breaking it. I love everything about you from your tattooed walls, to you public transportation system. Lets be honest, I drive an hour and half, round trip, everyday. I ride on your Metro system and you get me where I want to go. I can walk your streets; this is no meager task. I cannot walk to anywhere, where I am right now. I love many aspects of your life, culture, and symbolism. I am a Washingtonian to the core. I wave my flag proudly. Yet, sadly, you continue to crush my very soul. All I want to do is work and play with you. Though, you prevent me from this. Why am I so downtrodden with the current state of affairs? Papa needs a job and you are simply keeping your proverbial legs closed.
Recently, I received an email, from a potential employer (PE) and this is how it went down:
PE: Good afternoon JP, Thank you for your interest in our position of Program Coordinator at a really kick ass place, that doesn’t really pay well, but the benefits rock. If you are still interested, we’d like to set up an interview for you here at the kick ass place. Please let me know of your interest and availability over the next 10 days. I can be reached via e-mail or telephone. I look forward to hearing from you.
JP: Good Morning PE, Thank you for contacting me, as I am still very interested in the Program Coordinator at a kick ass place. My 10 day availability to come up and meet with you, would be on Friday June 26th or any time during the span of July 1st-3rd. Please feel free to ring me at 1-800-JP SEX U UP to discuss our possible appointment. Thank you for your time, JP.
PE: Hi JP,Where are you located? We couldn’t determine that from your resume. You have a local address, but it looks as though your current employment is in a swamp or the Tropics.
JP: Hi PE, I am currently in the swamp lands at the corporate offices that resemble the following. My other office is located on a really long beach in the tropics, which I have just returned from. My D.C. address I have had and have been paying for since August 2008; I am very eager to relocate to D.C. and remain.
PE: Hi J (she shortened my name), Thank you for following up. Right now we are focusing on local candidates only. Do you plan to relocate permanently to the area or is that dependent on a new position?
JP: PE, My intention is for permanent relocation to the D.C./Northern VA. area. I have already established a residence, but cannot move until I obtain employment in the area. It has been quite challenging doing so. In fact, half of my belongings are already in my apartment in D.C. If you would like, we could have a phone conversation to discuss my situation. I would love to have the opportunity to join the kick ass team. Thank you, JP
As you can see, I have had a difficult time with this institution. So, I called my Sister and told her the above story. She promptly reminded me of my Starbucks dating policy. Let me splain, if you just start dating someone, take them to Starbucks and listen to what they order. The more complex and convoluted, the bigger pain in the ass they will be in the long run. This applies to the potential employers as well, let me splain.
I originally called and left a message, she never called back. Drop a follow up email, instant response. I get it, you are not a phone person. I get the silly emails about not being a local yokel and decide I needed to splain my situation. Ah, *67 works and I get her on the phone. So, Stone Wall Jackson gets on the phone and tells me, “Only local applicants at this time.” Thanks. This reminded me of the local surf spot I grew up at, where a strict locals only policy was in place.
So, lets recap for a minute. I am cheap and easy. I can have my ass and my things up in the Metro area in 2 weeks, flat! Seriously, my salary requirement, is a min of $42,000. Hell, there are members of congress that spend more than that a year on coke and whores; hell even more than that! I am self directed, hard working, and I really could care less what you have me do.
All I am saying is embrace me as I have embraced you and I will do my best not to burn the place down.
Thank you for your time,
P.S. Even though I am kind of complaining, just getting the email back, knowing someone saw potential, really made my day. Now, please enjoy as the Hilltop Hoods explain how I feel: