Going Down The Hard Road

Dear District of Columbia,

Lately, I have noticed that you are not showing me the kind of love and respect I have been throwing your way. I have been trying to hold you close to my heart, but just like every relationship I have had, you keep breaking it. I love everything about you from your tattooed walls, to you public transportation system. Lets be honest, I drive an hour and half, round trip, everyday. I ride on your Metro system and you get me where I want to go. I can walk your streets; this is no meager task. I cannot walk to anywhere, where I am right now. I love many aspects of your life, culture, and symbolism. I am a Washingtonian to the core. I wave my flag proudly.  Yet, sadly, you continue to crush my very soul. All I want to do is work and play with you. Though, you prevent me from this. Why am I so downtrodden with the current state of affairs? Papa needs a job and you are simply keeping your proverbial legs closed.

Recently, I received an email, from a potential employer (PE) and this is how it went down:

PE: Good afternoon JP, Thank you for your interest in our position of Program Coordinator at a really kick ass place, that doesn’t really pay well, but the benefits rock. If you are still interested, we’d like to set up an interview for you here at the kick ass place. Please let me know of your interest and availability over the next 10 days. I can be reached via e-mail or telephone. I look forward to hearing from you.

JP: Good Morning PE, Thank you for contacting me, as I am still very interested in the Program Coordinator at a kick ass place. My 10 day availability  to come up and meet with you, would be on Friday June 26th or any time during the span of July 1st-3rd. Please feel free to ring me at 1-800-JP SEX U UP to discuss our possible appointment. Thank you for your time, JP.

PE: Hi JP,Where are you located? We couldn’t determine that from your resume. You have a local address, but it looks as though your current employment is in a swamp or the Tropics.

JP: Hi PE, I am currently in the swamp lands at the corporate offices that resemble the following. My other office is located on a really long beach in the tropics, which I have just returned from. My D.C. address I have had and have been paying for since August 2008; I am very eager to relocate to D.C. and remain.

PE: Hi J (she shortened my name), Thank you for following up. Right now we are focusing on local candidates only. Do you plan to relocate permanently to the area or is that dependent on a new position?

JP: PE, My intention is for permanent relocation to the D.C./Northern VA. area. I have already established a residence, but cannot move until I obtain employment in the area. It has been quite challenging doing so. In fact, half of my belongings are already in my apartment in D.C. If you would like, we could have a phone conversation to discuss my situation. I would love to have the opportunity to join the kick ass team. Thank you, JP

As you can see, I have had a difficult time with this institution. So, I called my Sister and told her the above story. She promptly reminded me of my Starbucks dating policy. Let me splain, if you just start dating someone, take them to Starbucks and listen to what they order. The more complex and convoluted, the bigger pain in the ass they will be in the long run. This applies to the potential employers as well, let me splain.

I originally called and left a message, she never called back. Drop a follow up email, instant response. I get it, you are not a phone person. I get the silly emails about not being a local yokel and decide I needed to splain my situation. Ah, *67 works and I get her on the phone. So, Stone Wall Jackson gets on the phone and tells me, “Only local applicants at this time.” Thanks. This reminded me of the local surf spot I grew up at, where a strict locals only policy was in place.

So, lets recap for a minute. I am cheap and easy. I can have my ass and my things up in the Metro area in 2 weeks, flat! Seriously, my salary requirement, is a min of $42,000. Hell, there are members of congress that spend more than that a year on coke and whores; hell even more than that! I am self directed, hard working, and I really could care less what you have me do.

All I am saying is embrace me as I have embraced you and I will do my best not to burn the place down.

Thank you for your time,


P.S. Even though I am kind of complaining, just getting the email back, knowing someone saw potential, really made my day. Now, please enjoy as the  Hilltop Hoods explain how I feel:


Filed under Life

18 responses to “Going Down The Hard Road

  1. Gotta love the logic. You have the residence but somehow you still don’t qualify? Rude. And my coffee at Starbucks is a grande soy latte. Just saying.

    Yea, I just don’t get it. That does explain a lot.

  2. bakingwithplath

    My friend is on True Blood. This has nothing to do with anything really but I wanted to brag.


  3. PQ

    I have a complicated Starbucks order but I’m not a pain in the ass.

    Just sayin.

    Stop judging 😛

    And I know how much it sucks to job hunt and have stupid little shit get in the way because employers are so hung up on that stupid shit to see past it.

    Seriously, it was redcockulous! If they are going to do me like that early, image the no-lube treatment I would get later.

  4. the starbucks rule eh?

    so when i order a grande non-fate chi latte with two shots of espresso am i a potential pain in the ass?

    if your answer is yes, you would be correct.

    sucks about the job hunt, i hope something happens soon!

    Lol! Nice. Thanks I will keep on keepin on.

  5. liferehab

    I love the Starbucks rule. Also, you should call and say you moved here over night. Maybe they’ll feel guilty and hire you.

    Lol, I had to *67 my number for them to even pick up the phone.

  6. Maybe you just need to fuckin’ lie: “Yes, I am a local applicant. I reside in DC, however, my current job has me on-site in swamp most weekdays, however, I do have some leeway with my travel schedule.”

    I mean … you have an apartment in DC … you ARE a local resident! I think peeps are afraid of you asking for relocation compensation?

    This is a summary of what I said to them. It was just a huge pain in the ass. The whole thing is, half of my stuff is up there, even my brewing equipment!!!

  7. Wow. So you would up and move in a matter of days and they keep saying “local hires only.” Fracking idiots. How do they not get that you WILL be a local if they GIVE you the job? Seriously some people need to be smacked.

    I hope DC starts treating you right!

    Someone is going to get teabagged if they don’t knock the silly shit off. For real.

  8. f.B

    I don’t get it. What does “local” have to do with whether you can do what they ask you to do day in day out?

    People relocate for jobs all the time. That’s, like, 40% of the reason we even have highways and planes and stuff.

    This is why I went into a tail spin of WTF? I would think people would be smarter than this, especailly at where I applied!

  9. SLG

    i say you just lie and say you live locally (really, how will they find out). morals are so last year.

    and sometimes a black tea lemonade is just fine. other days, it’s an iced grande caramel soy latte. we can’t be easy all the time!

    Your last statement pretty much proves my theory. I still like you!

  10. Q I cannot believe you are really gonna lie and say you are not a pain in the ass.

    My order is complex. But I am complex… and being complex and a pain in the ass are 2 totally different things.


    complex is like a tall peppermint latte in a grande cup with extra ice

    PITA is like the same order but the bitch sends it back to be remade 2 times because it doesnt have enough ice in it.

    Complex and seperate are different, just like Siamese twins. LOL!

  11. Matt

    That starbucks test is fucking brilliant!

    Dude, it has been proven time and time again! Use it bro.

  12. I’m with SLG. You have a DC residence, therefore you are local. They don’t need to know any different. If you can start when they need you to, what does it matter?

    And most of the time, I am a skinny vanilla latte. If I wanted drip coffee, I would make it myself.

    Thats what I am screaming! This person was just a grand ass!

  13. I’m with SLG. Lie your face off. You’re on vaca but you’ll be back July 1-3.

    What else are you supposed to do, if they refuse to understand the words comin outta yo mouf??

    Bastards, all of them.

  14. I know this isn’t related to your post but that intro to True Blood is confusing to my gens. I get all turned on at the super sexy girl in black underwear and then a snake is lunging with those big fans. I think it just gave my peen a headache.

    We call that foreplay.

  15. k8

    I completely agree that the Starbucks test should apply to future employers.

    You’d be amazed how well his test works.

  16. Just A Girl

    Ok when I saw the title of the blog I was all “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” because I’m 12. But then I read it and I got all pissed and I say in the future, LIE. LIE LIKE THE WIND. That’s a mixed metaphor but I’m caffeinated and so I do not care thanks very much and can I come sleep on your couch if I move to DC?


    Also, I normally get a coffee. Sometimes I get it iced. I’m crazy like that.

    Thats why I like you. btw, I would never put you on the couch!

  17. That is indeed screwed up and frustrating. But don’t give up, if you have the right skills and experience, you’ll find a new job soon.:)

    Its mellow. I am pushing through.

  18. JPP

    I was concerned because it seemed as though we had the same phone number.

    Upon closer inspection I realized there are slight differences because my phone number is…

    1-800-JPP SEX ME UP

    Crazy that they’re so similar.

    Some times I call myself and leave provocative messages. I hope I miss dial one day and get you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s