The things I do for friends

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

One night my Sis, Da House, his girlfriend and I went out. Total disregard for anyone’ s health we drank our faces off. Well, the problem with this line up is that Da House’s girl was hanging out with 3 very seasoned individuals in the art of the power hour. Sure enough, 1 am rolls around and the binge session began, not that it ever really stopped mind you. We all pay up and break forth to Da House’s homestead.

Upon arrival to the honey comb hideout, Da House’s girlfriend made an ominous announcement, “I am Drunk!” I replied with something along the lines of, “glad you’ve been paying attention”. Then 5 minutes later things go a bit too quiet. You know the quiet I am talking about, where the really loud drunk just sort of disappears. Well, Da House went looking for her and was successful. My Sis and I where sitting on the couch debating about something when I hear this, “Dude, can you come to the bathroom for a minute?” I proceed to the facilities, but as I approach the door I hear this, “Dude, umm before you open the door, I just want you to know you are one of my good friends and I kind of need help with something.” Last time I heard that, things did not go well.

I slowly open the door and stick my head in, but no one was home. Look down, oh there you are, with a naked girlfriend. Hmm, what is that smell, did she, umm. What? Dude, what is that smell. Then I heard, “dude, she is really wasted and she shit herself!” Oh, hell! What a great friend, get me (guy who passes out) to deal with poo. Strong work buddy, remind me to send you an extra special x-mas card this year. So, I did the only logical thing I could think of, I called my Sis over as a witness. We pow-wow a moment and decide that she may need to go to the hospital. Da House informs me she is not quite 21 and we are all accessories to the crime at hand. Hrmmm. What would a medic do in this situation? Oh, right I’m a medic.

I did what we (medics) have done for years, I phoned a friend for supplies. While on the blower I described my dilemma and heard the following from my good friend who was the attending physician on duty that night, “Bro, you better not bring a drunk shitty girl into my ER, we will not be friends. You can pop a line in her and bring her back from the brink. Swing by and I will have things ready for you.” Done! My Sis and I did a drive by in the ambulance bay and picked up the necessary supplies and rolled back the the honey comb hide out.

By the time we got back Da House cleaned her up and got her to bed. I explained the situation and what needed to be done to avoid any unnecessary charges to his credit card via the ER. Plus, I told him what my buddy said, he laughed. So, time to play capt’n save-a-hoe and pop in an I.V. I explain to her that she should not move while I shove a garden hose into her vein, she agreed and said that she needed it. I.V. successfully placed, threats of death would precede any movement on her part. When a liter was pumped in, her color had returned and she said she felt way better.

Next day, follow up phone call to Da House:

Me- Everything cool?

DH- Yeah, actually she was up and making me breakfast. Hell I should have had an I.V.

Me- Does she remember the unpleasantness?

DH- Nope. Says she never felt the I.V.

Me- No, the unpleasantness of her shitting herself?

DH- No, but she will when I make her clean the bathroom this morning, lol!

Me- Nice. You owe me one.

That was the time I saw my friends girlfriend naked and covered in her own shit, while being the good guy and saving them a trip to the ER.


Filed under Friends

11 responses to “The things I do for friends

  1. f.B

    You’re a hero. There’s just no way.

    And the bathroom was left that way all night?

    Yea bro, I wasn’t cleaning a damn thing. It was kind of weird to me as well.

  2. SLG

    If only she was using Benefiber…

    you’re a saint in one way or another, I’ll tell you that much.

    If she did, it probably would have made me pass out.

  3. theblacktulip

    that’s really foul.

    mental note: have JP around the next time I go binge drinking.

    I do well among the self destructive!

  4. note to self: find a paramedic/doctor friend to help a bitch out when it is an alcohol related emergency.

    It does help when your friends know how to fix you. Kind of like having a mechanic friend, lol.

  5. Wow.

    I’ll start preparing your Nobel application.

    Sweet, I will finally get nominated!

  6. Best friend is an ER/trauma doc. The man has come through on soooo many occasions with the IV fluids. If you’re really hurtin’ he’d add in a shot of something (liquid motrin? pure evil?) and all would be fine.

    Oh, we have the cure my friend.

  7. I’ve always wanted to try an IV when hungover. I bet it’s amazing.

    Only one way to find out!

  8. Matt

    1000cc’s of .9% NS always helps everything.

    When I worked in the ED, I used to always hook myself up with a non-rebreather mask and an 02 tank.

    best cure for hangover ever.

    Oh buddy, now you are talking. I always went for 10 mins of 15L NRB, with 1,000cc Lactated Ringers. Snap your right back to reality.

  9. I wish I knew you when I was in my early 20s. I could’ve used a friend like you.

    Well, you got me now!

  10. i really thought I already commented on this…. you deserve a fucking medal.

    See what you have to look forward to!

  11. Pingback: TMI Thursday: How to Save Your Teenage Daughter $500 | Livit, Luvit

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