Things that make me go ewww

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

Now, here’s a little story I gots to tell about 3 bad brothers ya know so well… Wait, wrong channel.

Welcome to another edition of TMI, tales of the ER. In this episode, JP hits the floor.

I have been reading a lot of poop related TMI posts and the majority of which are from women. In which they go on to tell us they shite themselves. I am slightly disturbed by this because I do not handle poop very well, nor do I handle girls shitting themselves either. At this point you may ask, JP how do you know you are bothered by women shitting themselves? Simple, so this one time at band camp in the ER I came to work and was greeted with a surprise.

I had just come in to my usual shift in an ER that was all of 10 beds, where my friend K (who was really hot) was waiting for me. This always made me suspicious. She went on to tell me that she needed help taking an overdose patient up to ICU, because I had big strong muscles; I am a total sucker for ego inflation. As we were getting ready to take this smoking hot girl who tried to end it with Tylenol, up to ICU, I began to read the chart.

—Quick side note. If you choose to kill yourself with pills, you may succeed. However, overdosing on Tylenol is a horrible way to go. It shuts down you liver and it takes several days to die, if you even do die. Usually, those that use Tylenol end up having to be on dialysis the rest of their lives, thus putting them in a more miserable position than they started off with.—

So, as I am reading I stumble upon the catalyst for the chain of events about to happen. It read, “given 100 grams activated charcoal.” In itself this stuff is really cool and one of my favorite drugs to give. Basically, the carbon binds to toxins. The cool thing about this stuff if it tastes horrible and you have to drink it. When someone is done drinking it it leaves their entire mouth jet black, teeth and all. They always smile after drinking it, as if it was a relief to be through with it. The major down side, sorbitol. Sorbitol is used in sweeteners, rocket fuel, and of course the reason for my look of fear this particular evening, laxative!

This stuff is not your average laxative, it is a sleeper. No discomfort, just about one hour later, pure colonic blowout. As if your colon is cruising down the Hershey highway and has a blow out at 80 mph’s causing it to go careening over the edge of “hold it in” cliff. There is nothing a person can do other than run. Run like the fuzz is coming to give you 99 to life. This particular patient was incompasitated and her bowls were going 100mph’s.

I set the chart down, unlock the bed, and get ready to make my charge towards the elevator when I heard K say, “Oh shit, JP, we have shit. Quick a get a towel!” Me, “get a towel?” I had a gob smacked look written all over my Chevy Chase at this point. Springing to action I grabbed towels and other necessary supplies and come to K’s aid like a knight in shining armor. Then it happened. I saw my kryptonite oozing out of this chick like someone had struck oil. Seriously, charcoal + sorbitol = an ass oil feild. The Exxon Valdez didn’t do as much damage as this 115 lb girl did.

Then something odd happened, something that has never happened to me, ever! I started feeling a bit light on my feet. How you say, a bit peckish. K looks right at me and asks, “dude are you okay? You look a bit, umm, white.” The last thing I remember, I was saying, “naw I’m cool.” Apparently I was not cool and my tan skin turned ghost white, while I braced myself up against the wall. This is the same wall that I decided would get the honor and privilege of having JP pass out on.

Thats right, the site and smell combination of this oil slick shit caused me to pass the fuck out, right at the beginning of my shift. This is a very odd phenomenon, because I had a reputation of being able to tolerate anything, seriously, anything. My weakness was exposed. To be honest I was only out for 5-10 seconds. I was woken by the sound of laughter from my associates, who thought it was the funniest thing they have seen.

After this incident poop smell has triggered a strange reflex in my brain. If I get the smell/sight combination in my brain, I feel my knees begin to buckle. Rotting flesh, puke, blood, or burn trauma I’m your man. Someone that shits themselves and I become as useless as tits on a bull. To this day, that moment of weakness lives on. Any time someone had a poop patient, they would page me. Yea, we were a loving bunch.

So ladies, for the sake of JP, quit shitting yourselves, its just not cool. Next week I may tell about the time my buddy’s girlfriend passed out drunk and shit herself and they called me to the rescue. HA!


Filed under TMI Thursday

25 responses to “Things that make me go ewww

  1. Was the girl OK in the end?

    “So ladies, for the sake of JP, quit shitting yourselves, its just not cool.”

    Hmmm, not to be a dick (this being your blog and all), but double-standards are what turn my stomach.

    The girl did survive, but outcome was poor. Yea, wasn’t setting a double standard, just referring to all the ladies that wrote about self defecation on last weeks TMI. Dude’s pooing themselves is equally as wrong!

  2. Agreed. This is why my TMI posts are actually pretty G-rated.

    That, and I haven’t shit myself since I was potty-trained. Fact.

    Lol, this is why you are still tops in my book!

  3. Ok… I’m the nurse that can handle the shits… Can’t do toes or eyes…. but shits… yup. I loved this post!

    I wonder if it’s a “man” thing with the fainting and shits… I had an old lady on Phenergan one night that started flinging her poo all over the room… the one guy nurse with me had to go out to the desk and “put his head down” for a bit…. LOL… me and 3 other girls were stuck cleaning the shit up…. literally!

    Charcoal sounds worse then goLYTELY!

    And it stains everything black!

  4. “Naw, I’m cool.” – famous last words.

    P.S. I love all the tags that go along with this post. They basically tell the story.

    I seem to say that a lot when things are about to go awry.

  5. Matt

    Charcoal was my favorite as an EMT. Well its really all we had… charcoal and glucose… and well, giving people sugar is just kind of stupid.

    Lol, load ’em up and let the ER deal with ’em.

  6. I think I would pay to have seen you pass out.

    If I ever do shit myself (other than the time I was sick, don’t read the second TMI I ever wrote) you are the first person I am going to call.

    Please share the story of your friends gf. Please.

    Oh, this was a free show for all. Even when I busted my head open going about 30 mph’s on skateboard I was still ready to go. I will do it next week for you!

  7. theblacktulip

    oh wow….just….wow

    For some reason I get that a lot.

  8. kolys

    Egad. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty rough day at the office.

    Though just as an aside… not sure ‘peckish’ is the word you want there. Where I come from, at least, it means ‘hungry’. And I’m willing to bet that’s not how you were feeling right about then.

    Peckish as in that hungry feeling in your stomach where your insides feel like their are eating their way out, while acid build in the throat connotation.

  9. oh man, that’s rough.

    your tags are the tops though.

    I used those tags to see what kind of searches would land people to me site, lol!

  10. Poop is only acceptable when it’s coming out of the ass of a child. My theory is that if an adult shits themselves- they’re on their own!
    (One of my elderly patients with dementia use to do shit finger painting. A lot.)

    Wait for next weeks post. You will love it.

  11. was she cute?

    Yea, that only compounded the problem.

  12. k8

    The way the doctor smells when he comes back from surgery? Same smell as the kill floor at the packing plant. Blood and bleach. SAME SMELL, PEOPLE.

    Aww, that is a familiar and safe smell to me.

  13. Just A Girl

    Ha you pussy. Actually, my mom is a nurse, and the only thing she can’t handle is snot. So I purposely blow my nose really obnoxiously around her.

    Now I know just to continue writing about poo around you. 😀

    Ask anyone in the medical feild, we all have our krytonite and find out what it is in a strange way. One friend could not touch eyes and another could not touch ears. Like your mom, many nurses have an issue with phlegm.

  14. i was thinking about going to nursing school, but these hospital TMI thursdays are killing it for me.

    Think of it as career research.

  15. That sucks. You can never date an ass sprayer… at least not when she does it on the first ‘date’.

  16. I would have passed out from the sight of a woman period.

    Or a woman’s period.

    Either way really.

    There is a lot of period talk on TMIT that I just don’t understand.

  17. ZanTx915

    How ironic is it that I’d just commented on Dmbosstone’s TMI post about this very same thing? I’ve also had a personal experience with charcoal…not pretty. And yes, it does stain everything.

    Yeah, that stuff is gnarly and the main reason I wore surgical scrub. Ruin on pair of good Dickey’s scrubs and you learn.

  18. I love the expression “ass oil field”. That’s ruddy genius, that is.

  19. Just Playing Pretend

    I was a nursing assistant for 5 years. I did fine with the crap, I had to. I however couldn’t handle vomit. Even typing it now makes me queezy. I get it. We all have our gross out limit.

    I have been puked on countless times by patients, friends, and more recently roommates. I am pretty immune.

  20. poop is prob the #1 thing in my world that can get me to gag. Oh, think I just threw up a little bit.

    I just lose my entire shit, so to say.

  21. So, there’s no hope for us, clearly. Ah well.

    “Oil slick” poos are the worst.

    Not that I would know.

    There is hope as long as B is your go to “poop on hand” guy. Lol!

  22. Vaguely reminds me of JD on scrubs- passes out when he takes a shit.

    Oh full on slid down the wall! JD had nothing on JP.

  23. HOWLING with laughter. Wish you’d gotten this story on video – it’s be the hottest thing on YouTube.

    And I will never look at Tylenol the same way again.

    Gross out and educational fix all in one. You’ve outdone yourself, JP.

    Thanks babe! It would have won an Oscar.

  24. Gross, but at least I’m not nauseous like I was after your exploding foot story.

    I still can’t get that one out of my head.

    Oh, I am sure I can gross you out in many other ways.

  25. Pingback: TMI Thursday: Riding My Bike Through the Hersey Highway | Livit, Luvit

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