Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Now, here’s a little story I gots to tell about 3 bad brothers ya know so well… Wait, wrong channel.
Welcome to another edition of TMI, tales of the ER. In this episode, JP hits the floor.
I have been reading a lot of poop related TMI posts and the majority of which are from women. In which they go on to tell us they shite themselves. I am slightly disturbed by this because I do not handle poop very well, nor do I handle girls shitting themselves either. At this point you may ask, JP how do you know you are bothered by women shitting themselves? Simple, so
this one time at band camp in the ER I came to work and was greeted with a surprise.
I had just come in to my usual shift in an ER that was all of 10 beds, where my friend K (who was really hot) was waiting for me. This always made me suspicious. She went on to tell me that she needed help taking an overdose patient up to ICU, because I had big strong muscles; I am a total sucker for ego inflation. As we were getting ready to take this smoking hot girl who tried to end it with Tylenol, up to ICU, I began to read the chart.
—Quick side note. If you choose to kill yourself with pills, you may succeed. However, overdosing on Tylenol is a horrible way to go. It shuts down you liver and it takes several days to die, if you even do die. Usually, those that use Tylenol end up having to be on dialysis the rest of their lives, thus putting them in a more miserable position than they started off with.—
So, as I am reading I stumble upon the catalyst for the chain of events about to happen. It read, “given 100 grams activated charcoal.” In itself this stuff is really cool and one of my favorite drugs to give. Basically, the carbon binds to toxins. The cool thing about this stuff if it tastes horrible and you have to drink it. When someone is done drinking it it leaves their entire mouth jet black, teeth and all. They always smile after drinking it, as if it was a relief to be through with it. The major down side, sorbitol. Sorbitol is used in sweeteners, rocket fuel, and of course the reason for my look of fear this particular evening, laxative!
This stuff is not your average laxative, it is a sleeper. No discomfort, just about one hour later, pure colonic blowout. As if your colon is cruising down the Hershey highway and has a blow out at 80 mph’s causing it to go careening over the edge of “hold it in” cliff. There is nothing a person can do other than run. Run like the fuzz is coming to give you 99 to life. This particular patient was incompasitated and her bowls were going 100mph’s.
I set the chart down, unlock the bed, and get ready to make my charge towards the elevator when I heard K say, “Oh shit, JP, we have shit. Quick a get a towel!” Me, “get a towel?” I had a gob smacked look written all over my Chevy Chase at this point. Springing to action I grabbed towels and other necessary supplies and come to K’s aid like a knight in shining armor. Then it happened. I saw my kryptonite oozing out of this chick like someone had struck oil. Seriously, charcoal + sorbitol = an ass oil feild. The Exxon Valdez didn’t do as much damage as this 115 lb girl did.
Then something odd happened, something that has never happened to me, ever! I started feeling a bit light on my feet. How you say, a bit peckish. K looks right at me and asks, “dude are you okay? You look a bit, umm, white.” The last thing I remember, I was saying, “naw I’m cool.” Apparently I was not cool and my tan skin turned ghost white, while I braced myself up against the wall. This is the same wall that I decided would get the honor and privilege of having JP pass out on.
Thats right, the site and smell combination of this oil slick shit caused me to pass the fuck out, right at the beginning of my shift. This is a very odd phenomenon, because I had a reputation of being able to tolerate anything, seriously, anything. My weakness was exposed. To be honest I was only out for 5-10 seconds. I was woken by the sound of laughter from my associates, who thought it was the funniest thing they have seen.
After this incident poop smell has triggered a strange reflex in my brain. If I get the smell/sight combination in my brain, I feel my knees begin to buckle. Rotting flesh, puke, blood, or burn trauma I’m your man. Someone that shits themselves and I become as useless as tits on a bull. To this day, that moment of weakness lives on. Any time someone had a poop patient, they would page me. Yea, we were a loving bunch.
So ladies, for the sake of JP, quit shitting yourselves, its just not cool. Next week I may tell about the time my buddy’s girlfriend passed out drunk and shit herself and they called me to the rescue. HA!