Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
This TMI is a light one this week. My graphic foot splatter from last week may have set the bar a bit high.
On Saturday’s my friends and I had a ritual of going to beach and surfing the best breaks we could find in Florida. This Saturday was no different, in fact we found a spot we called monster hole; this is where Nate got bit by a shark on his big toe. We called it his frog bite. Anyways, the night before we went to a massive southern style buffet and threw down as if we had grown up in some impoverished nation never seeing that amount of food. Ever. Let’s just say I went a little wild on the “greens”. Collards, mustard, turnip, and okra were all in attendance.The thing about greens and I, well its a love hate relationship. I love them and they don’t love me. However, they do give me super Iraqi style death gas. This Saturday morning I speak of is no different.
As we are driving to Cocoa Beach in Nate’s behemoth of a 1992 red Ford station wagon, Gabes, Dutch, and Carl were passed out in the back. I had shotgun and was loaded ready to go. As we cruised down the road I blasted a wicked fart, not too silent, but not too loud. All the windows were up (ones in the back were broken) and it was a temperate 88 degrees outside. It was the perfect storm of farts. I let’er rip and as soon as I did Nate just laughed.
About a minute goes by and I think all is clear until I heard Carl awake from a dead sleep, “Dude! What the fuck is that smell?”
Nate, “what are you talking about bro?”
Carl, “Oh shit, I can’t breathe! Open the the fucking windows!”
Nate, “Dude, windows are broke.”
Me laughing hysterically and watching the other guys wake up to this tragic smell as well.
Gabes, “Pull the fucking car over!”
Dutch, “I think I am going to be sick.”
Carl, “JP you are a dick!”
Gabes, “You guys are assholes!”
Nate pulled the car over and we all bailed out. Nate and I laughing so hard we were crying! The fart was so bad that we had to air the car out for about 5 minutes on the side of the road in Cocoa beach. Seriously that shit lingered. I was proud of my handy work. I had ripped the worst fart of my life and there were people trapped in the car to suffer through it. A dutch oven had nothing on the station wagon. Just. Plain. Awesome!