We drink this stuff like water on the base…

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

“We drink this stuff like water at the base,” were my buddy Mike D’s last word one fateful New Years Eve…

Let me rewind the tape and throw some seasoning on your brain. It was New Years 1998 going into 1999. There were about 20 people assembled; the entire surf crew from New Smyrna Beach and we met up at LB’s house. Our plan, roll out to NSB and party like the rock stars we were, on the beach. This particular evening Mike D was joining us fresh off leave from the Air Force and lets just say, he was ready to aim high.

There was more people than cars/trucks, so being a nice evening (50 degrees in Florida mid-January) Mike D and I rode in the back of Phillips truck. On the way out Mike D and I caught up on things. During the conversation he pulls out a bottle of  Bacardi Limon. For those that have never had this crap, it is a lemon flavored rum that tastes like lemon heads with way too much sugar and that taste you get after smelling rubbing alcohol. Either way, we decided it would be a good idea to drink the bottle on the way out to the beach. This is where it got interesting. Mike D looks at me and with all seriousness says, “Dude, we drink this stuff like water on the base, do you think you can hang?” My reply, “shit ya!”

We roll into NSB about 25 minutes later and I am ready to rock out with my cock out! However, Mike D was a bit more sluggish than I was. He made it out of the truck and kind of stumbles around a bit,  looks at me funny and goes white. He is not having a good day. Crawls back into the truck and yacks all over himself! Like Ol’ faithful, he let it rip. All. Over. His. Clothes. What was a really wasted JP doing at this time you might ask? The only logical thing possible. I was running up and down the beach wearing only cowboy boots with a girl that joined us for the evening.*

Cops came and 3 am rolled around; we all decided it was time to go back to LB’s house and continue the party. Hell, I wasn’t driving. The problem was I had to ride back with puke boy; this is where the naked girl was really cool and joined me in the back of the truck.** We roll up to LB’s house and I shit you not, this is what happened next.

We pull up and Mike D asks the girl and I if we had arrived. I said, “dude, where have you been, we never left LB’s house. You got so wasted in the back of the truck, we just left you there.” He crawls out of the truck and say’s, “well fuck you guys for leaving me here, I’m going to bed.” He stumbles to the back porch and curls up in a ball and crashes the fuck out.

So Mike D is laid out on the porch and LB comes walking out with his new puppy. As we crack another beer and get talking we see the puppy stroll over to Mike D’s jacket, sniff him, and I shit you not, pissed on his head. Seriously, this little 15 lb labrador pissed out the Rio Grande all over Mike D. We could not believe it! The best part is while the dog was watering Mike D, no one stopped him. We couldn’t! We were all laughing to damn hard. Even Baby Jesus was laughing about this one. Thinking all the excitement had concluded, we see Mike D roll over into huge pile of his own puke.

Being the good friends we were, we broke out the hose and sprayed him down. He was so wasted that it didn’t even phase him. Fast forward your tape deck to the morning and a wet, cold and really gnarly Mike D emerges. He asked the group of us (who looked pretty bad ourselves) what had happened last night. No one could hold it in. We all broke out in laughter! Then, the very mellow baritone voice of Chad emerged, “Bro, you got so shitfaced that you puked on yourself at the beach. Then again when we got back home, and again when you got mad and passed out on the porch.” Mike D then asks, “well what the fuck is so funny?”

I will never forget what  Chad said next,”Bro, you remember how you liked LB’s new puppy so much before we left the house. Well, he liked you too. While you were passed out, he marked you as his territory. So, dude, we are laughing because the dog made you his bitch and pissed all over you.”

Mike D stormed out and refused to talk to us for like 3 weeks. To this day he gets pissed if you mention what happened that night. Probably, because we can’t help laughing while telling it…

  • I thought it was cool to wear cowboy boots, pants, and a t-shirt. I have since learned, but think its still cool.
  • *She totally rocked!


Filed under TMI Thursday

16 responses to “We drink this stuff like water on the base…

  1. We drank Bacardi Limon like it was our jobs in college. We would take straight shots and chase it with Diet Coke. To this day I will occasionally have a flashback when I drink a DC.

    After that night I (and Mike) swore it off!

  2. Oh how I love Bacardi Limon. I haven’t had it since college, but I can remember taking shots of it like it was nothing.

    Now i’m just really glad a dog never pissed on my head when I was drunk.

    I am glad a dog never pissed on you either, it would be an awkward conversation.

  3. Matt

    Classic. I used to carry around Bacardi Limon everywhere I went, in a flask no less.

    Good Stuff.

    Matt, you’re a classy guy all around.

  4. I feel like Mike D and I would get along. ‘Specially if he’s in the Beastie Boys.

    Now here’s a little story I gots to tell about 3 bad brothers ya know so well; it started way back in history…

  5. f.B

    This story is a perfect example of why I haven’t had a sip of flavored Bacardi in years.

    A horrible concoction. Toxic almost.

  6. Instead of Bacardi Limon, we went through a Raspberry Smirnoff phase in college. If I even smell it now, I gag.

    I feel that way about Blue Moon Beer and Malibu.

  7. “The only logical thing possible. I was running up and down the beach wearing only cowboy boots with a girl that joined us for the evening.”

    That statement alone made this whole post. I bet you still have those cowboy boots, too.

    Those boots are now reserved for special events only!

  8. See, that just justifies why I stick to bacardi & coke.

    Screw all the flavors.

    Thats why I remain a Gin and Whiskey guy. Keep it simple.

  9. Just A Girl

    Oh lord. My worst hangover ever came from Bacardi O and Limon. A 105lb girl (at the time) should never, ever go shot for shot with a 220lb man. Especially not when said shots are flavored Bacardi. I was super popular at the frat house until I yakked all over their bathroom.

    Mike and I could be friends.

    Yeah, he won the Mr. Drunkass competition that night.

  10. He must have smooth skin. I heard dog urine does that to you.

    Saw it on tv.

    See, this is why I am not part of the beautiful people scene. I just refuse to be pissed on.

  11. k8

    I think it’s funny when my friend’s dogs (all three of them) pee on my tires when I pull up at the farm. This is better.

    There is just something to be said about being “marked” by an animal. I mean they totally own you after that.

  12. The TMI part was the cowboy boots right? :):)

    Bacardi (not the limon version though) was the first drink I got unpleasantly wasted on when I was about 16 years old and I swear to this day I cannot see/smell/taste that nasty fucking stuff without turning green. I bought some mascara a few years back that smelled just like Bacardi (or I thought it did at least) and I couldn’t use it – had to give it to my sister. Gross.

    Alcohol + Nakedness + pissing pups = PARTAAAAY!

    Yeah we know how to throw down. Nakedness is a given, duh!

  13. JFo

    I respectfully submit that no one has ever truthfully claimed “we drink it like water” in reference to Bacardi Limon.

    Not. Even. Kidding. He said it and to this day I harass him about it. Somethings you just can’t live down.

  14. puppy peed on his head… didn’t see that one coming. hee hee

    Either did we!

  15. That’s like, the best story ever. Especially because it happened to somebody else, and not you!!

    That day will live in infamy!

  16. nekid but cowboy boots will never go out of style! this is a GREAT story.

    You’re right, they never do!

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