Ring Toss

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

Another ER edition of TMI Thursday…

I had a crazy busy shift on a Friday night one summer. I had a guy walk in with an Ice Pick (in Florida) sticking out of his gut. Telling me he fell on while working on his truck. Yea, it was like that. He was my first patient and kind of set the tone for the rest of the night. Luckily one of my good friends Dr. M was working and was always up for a good joke.

Couple of trauma patients and a few I have a boo boo people and of some drug seekers, well we were do for a good laugh. Then around 11pm the ER gods answered our “we need a funny case” call. 17 year old male presents with pain in his abdomen, no trauma, walk in. Read the chart and in the medications column it read “Viagra.” They bring the kid back and make him change into a gown. I am the first one to see the guy.

I walk into the room and he is sitting in a weird Indian style position. Told him to lay back and tell me the problem. The thing is once he laid back I saw the problem. Homeboy had pitched a tent! So, I told him the doc would be back with him shortly. Walked over to Dr. M and said, “dude, you have a  camper in fast-track.” He of course looked at me as if I was deranged. Goes into see the patient, 5 minutes later comes out looking like he was going to explode with laughter. I asked him, “bro how could a 17 y/o with a raging hard on be so funny.” Then he told me.

“JP it’s not the hard on that is funny, its what he did with his hard on that is making me laugh.”  Okay spill it! This is an abridged transcript of my conversation with Dr. M:

Dr. M: Dude he stuck his wang in a bottle.

JP: So?

Dr.M: It’s now stuck on him.

JP: What do you mean “it’s stuck on him?” Like a leech?

Dr.M: No you dick. His Johnson was stuck in a bottle.

JP: Well, how are we going to get the genie out of the bottle?

Dr. M: Well that’s the thing, he broke the bottle and now the rim is stuck around the shaft.

JP: You’re fuckin with me.

Dr.M: No dude. This kid stuck his Viagra hard on into a beer bottle, so he could get off around 6. Then when it got stuck and couldn’t pull it off, the dumb-ass broke the bottle. So, he told his mom and she brought him here.

JP: Let me see the chart. (examine chart) No way! That is too funny. Well why don’t I just go get a hammer and break the damn thing?

Dr.M: Can’t glass shards.

JP: Call the surgeon let him deal with it.

Dr.M: He would never talk to us again. Why don’t we put KY on it and try to pull it off.

JP: That is probably the gayest thing you have ever said to me. Okay, but you are jerking the kid off, not me.

Dr. M: You’re right. What if we scare him?

JP: Do you still carry a picture of your ex-wife?

Dr.M: Nope, but I have one of your mom!

JP: Nice burn. I guess we could dope him up with valium and wait.

Dr.M: I’m not wasting good drugs on this asshole. Plus, he is turning a healthy shade of purple.

JP: Okay, umbilical tape from the nursery ought to do the trick. Like a ring stuck on the finger. It will just take a few minutes and it has to hurt like hell.

Dr.M: Good call. Lets do it.

I obtained the tape (which is more like sterile dental floss than tape) and hit on a few of the Ob nurses while there. Come back and explain to the kid what had to be done. he asked if it was going to hurt and of course I told him, “not as much as have a piece of broken glass stuck on your cock.” By this point in time I rounded up as many people as I could. My two EMS Students and one really hot nursing student; that is a story for later. We all crowded in the room for a “teaching session.” The lecture topic of the night, “Misadventures in medication:Why Viagra and glass bottles don’t mix.”

BTW: this kids mom thought all of this was hysterical and had to leave the room because she was laughing so damn hard.

Eventually the taping maneuver worked and the glass was taken off. Though the humiliation didn’t  stop there. As I was wrapping up my lecture and the procedure, I ended it on this note. Looking directly at the patient I said, “Okay, so today we have learned a few things. Don’t take meds not intended for you. Don’t stick your penis into anywhere it doesn’t belong. More importantly, we have learned that it would have probably been cheaper and less painful to pick up a hooker. Even if she is skank and you get VD, you would still get more respect for screwing her; rather than having your mom laugh at you for screwing a bottle.”

p.s. The kid took it all in stride and was actually pretty mellow. Lesson learned the hard way!


Filed under TMI Thursday

22 responses to “Ring Toss

  1. “Lesson learned the hard way”

    Bad pun, funny story. I don’t understand why he thought the bottle would “feel” good. Suction maybe?

    Maybe. Our theory is the Viagra drained all thought from his brain.

  2. JFo

    And you practically have the entire script for the next American Pie movie. Just have the kid make out with Stifler’s mom and/or a hot exchange student and/or a nerdy band chick after the ordeal.

    And scene

    Maybe I should submit this and make some money???

  3. jo

    Oh man, poor kid. Can you imagine having to tell your mom that!?! You’d NEVER live that down.

    Not only did she think it was funny, she was a MILF as well!

  4. Your conversation with Dr. M makes the story.

    I’m sure if I had a penis I’d be staring down everything with an opening and wondering how my penis would feel in it. Then I’d end up broke from ER visits.

    I’m so glad I was born a woman.

    It is a delicate balance!

  5. I am so glad I was never one of your trauma patients… you guys don’t sound as compassionate as the nurses and doctors that IVed me up. I’m also glad I’m not a teenage dude with an adventurous streak.

    My compassion is and always will be equal to the level of stupidity! Drunk and needing IV’s, I will have sympathy, as I have been there too.

  6. Am I the only one whose first thought was about how small the opening of a beer bottle is?

    Poor kid.

    LOL, that was omitted from our conversation. Though it was discussed!

  7. k8

    I’m so glad I don’t have a penis.

    There are many upsides to having one. Take the whirly-bird; move your hips like a hula-hoop and make your cock spin around. Or my favorite the Texas Wrist Watch; whip it out and wrap it around your wrist, then ask someone what time it is. Classic!

  8. f.B

    You glossed over the horror of this. He broke a bottle WHILE it was on his shaft. While it was on…

    Lol, I know! The messed up thing was I really thought about getting the hammer.

  9. Just A Girl

    As much fun as it would be to flap a penis around, I’m no longer interested in having one. Actually, no, I might still be. Because I wouldn’t put mine in a beer bottle. (If I had a penis, it would be much too big for that.)

    Silly boys.

    Having one is awesome, except when you accidentally sit on it. Then it becomes a bad day.

  10. what kind of bottle? like brand of liquid that when in the bottle

    Brown bottled beer of some sorts. I don’t think I even asked. It was a busy night.

  11. Just A Girl

    I’m so bad about accidentally hitting my friends in the balls. Or falling on them and kneeing them. Or falling on them and elbowing them. I’m not smooth at all. I’m sure I would find SOME way to hurt my penis. Especially since it would be HUGE (I’m really insistent on that…)

    I hope you get a huge one too!

  12. “BTW: this kids mom thought all of this was hysterical and had to leave the room because she was laughing so damn hard.”

    That was actually my favorite part of this whole thing. I hope to be just like her some day.

    I can totally see you twitpicing the incident for all to share. Then posting him as a TMI. Plus, I think you would qualify as MILF as well. B is a lucky man.

  13. LOL! What an idiot! I seriously doubt that your lecture stuck and shudder to think what other types of things he’s stuck his johnson inside of. Ew!

    Some guys will stick it in anything. I mean just look at Flavor Flav.

  14. can’t you just flick it and the boner will go away or something?

    Contrary to popular belief, no. In fact some people are will to pay extra for that kind of thing… So I hear.

  15. That kid is going to love telling hat story in ten years. By then you will have turned into a hot young nurse in his version.

    Don’t they all morph into hot young nurses in our dreams?

  16. oh my fucking god…what is up with you boys…sticking your dicks in everything and anything…???!!!!
    jeesus H christ. That kid was lucky I wasn’t there. You were oh so kind. I had a guy in Pre Surgery last week that , even after giving him the list of things he can and can’t do, Like , yes you can take an Ambien…but please skip the 3 glasses of red wine…and yes, we really need to know your actual true weight, unless you really DON’T want the right amount of pain meds during surgery…and by the way…NO you can’t have Viagra, so that you can get laid the night before your CABG.
    (although we did have a woman ask if she could have sex the night before a hysterectomy…concerned about the semen… and the Dr said sure, it’s all coming out anyways)…

    ps…one time I got my tongue stuck in a coke bottle…don’t ask.

    Some people are just too stupid. I have always wonder how some people have made it as far as they have.

  17. by the way…that kid better start saying it was a Mickey’s Big Mouth…

    Better not release his medical records then. It is recorded as “brown bottle, size of 12 oz beer.”

  18. A cock ring would have been so much cheaper in the long run.

    Always thinking. Thats why I keep ya around!

  19. This is why I stick to Horny Goat Weed, and a Fleshlight.

    Ah, the fleshlight…. I am not sure what’s weirder the fact its a plastic pussy or in the shape of a flash light?

  20. Oh man, that kid isn’t going to recover from that for a long, long time. It’s gonna be hard for him.

    Sorry, couldn’t resist that one.

    Point and match!

  21. Not that I’m impressed a lot, but this is a lot more than I expected when I stumpled upon a link on Digg telling that the info is awesome. Thanks.

    I am glad to hear the good word is out. Thanks for dropping by.

  22. Truthful words, some unadulterated words dude. Made my day!

    Thanks for dropping in!

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