Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Another ER edition of TMI Thursday…
I had a crazy busy shift on a Friday night one summer. I had a guy walk in with an Ice Pick (in Florida) sticking out of his gut. Telling me he fell on while working on his truck. Yea, it was like that. He was my first patient and kind of set the tone for the rest of the night. Luckily one of my good friends Dr. M was working and was always up for a good joke.
Couple of trauma patients and a few I have a boo boo people and of some drug seekers, well we were do for a good laugh. Then around 11pm the ER gods answered our “we need a funny case” call. 17 year old male presents with pain in his abdomen, no trauma, walk in. Read the chart and in the medications column it read “Viagra.” They bring the kid back and make him change into a gown. I am the first one to see the guy.
I walk into the room and he is sitting in a weird Indian style position. Told him to lay back and tell me the problem. The thing is once he laid back I saw the problem. Homeboy had pitched a tent! So, I told him the doc would be back with him shortly. Walked over to Dr. M and said, “dude, you have a camper in fast-track.” He of course looked at me as if I was deranged. Goes into see the patient, 5 minutes later comes out looking like he was going to explode with laughter. I asked him, “bro how could a 17 y/o with a raging hard on be so funny.” Then he told me.
“JP it’s not the hard on that is funny, its what he did with his hard on that is making me laugh.” Okay spill it! This is an abridged transcript of my conversation with Dr. M:
Dr. M: Dude he stuck his wang in a bottle.
Dr.M: It’s now stuck on him.
JP: What do you mean “it’s stuck on him?” Like a leech?
Dr.M: No you dick. His Johnson was stuck in a bottle.
JP: Well, how are we going to get the genie out of the bottle?
Dr. M: Well that’s the thing, he broke the bottle and now the rim is stuck around the shaft.
JP: You’re fuckin with me.
Dr.M: No dude. This kid stuck his Viagra hard on into a beer bottle, so he could get off around 6. Then when it got stuck and couldn’t pull it off, the dumb-ass broke the bottle. So, he told his mom and she brought him here.
JP: Let me see the chart. (examine chart) No way! That is too funny. Well why don’t I just go get a hammer and break the damn thing?
Dr.M: Can’t glass shards.
JP: Call the surgeon let him deal with it.
Dr.M: He would never talk to us again. Why don’t we put KY on it and try to pull it off.
JP: That is probably the gayest thing you have ever said to me. Okay, but you are jerking the kid off, not me.
Dr. M: You’re right. What if we scare him?
JP: Do you still carry a picture of your ex-wife?
Dr.M: Nope, but I have one of your mom!
JP: Nice burn. I guess we could dope him up with valium and wait.
Dr.M: I’m not wasting good drugs on this asshole. Plus, he is turning a healthy shade of purple.
JP: Okay, umbilical tape from the nursery ought to do the trick. Like a ring stuck on the finger. It will just take a few minutes and it has to hurt like hell.
Dr.M: Good call. Lets do it.
I obtained the tape (which is more like sterile dental floss than tape) and hit on a few of the Ob nurses while there. Come back and explain to the kid what had to be done. he asked if it was going to hurt and of course I told him, “not as much as have a piece of broken glass stuck on your cock.” By this point in time I rounded up as many people as I could. My two EMS Students and one really hot nursing student; that is a story for later. We all crowded in the room for a “teaching session.” The lecture topic of the night, “Misadventures in medication:Why Viagra and glass bottles don’t mix.”
BTW: this kids mom thought all of this was hysterical and had to leave the room because she was laughing so damn hard.
Eventually the taping maneuver worked and the glass was taken off. Though the humiliation didn’t stop there. As I was wrapping up my lecture and the procedure, I ended it on this note. Looking directly at the patient I said, “Okay, so today we have learned a few things. Don’t take meds not intended for you. Don’t stick your penis into anywhere it doesn’t belong. More importantly, we have learned that it would have probably been cheaper and less painful to pick up a hooker. Even if she is skank and you get VD, you would still get more respect for screwing her; rather than having your mom laugh at you for screwing a bottle.”
p.s. The kid took it all in stride and was actually pretty mellow. Lesson learned the hard way!