Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
This week’s edition is Treasures of the Deep… Time to go fishing:
Let me paint the scene. It was a Sunday night and I was working in the ER as I did every weekend; working 3 days and getting paid for 5 is awesome! It was slow, I mean really slow. I think I had all of 7 patients from 7-2. Dead! My friend and I ended up playing chest tube baseball for a while (Chest tube and tape ball. Think stick ball) and chilled out for a bit. Then I get a call from triage and it went something like this, “JP, I have a patient for you. I don’t trust him and think he is lying. He will be low maintainence but I think you guys will have fun figuring him out.”
Now, when you get a call from triage it means one of two things. Something bad is going to happen or someone is bored and is fucking with you. This story is about the latter. I get a male 4oish, complaining about stomach pain secondary to vigorous activity. Seriously, the chart said vigorous. The activity was sex with his girlfriend. Oh, and he did not want us to contact his wife, who was listed as his emergency contact. After about 5 minutes of talking with the guy, I figured out something was missing in his story. His complaint did not match his physical symptoms. So, being the bored as hell proactive employee that I was, I sent him for a x-ray of his abdomen.
I moved from the slums of downtown to a smaller community hospital that had just upgraded to instant return films, meaning everything was done via intranet. So, a girl I was hooking up with the radiologist tech called me laughing and said, “dude, pull up your patient on the computer. It’s that good!” There it was in all of its glory, a 13 inch dildo with a monster vibrator motor! The power of on-line x-ray’s allows you to see all the working components and measure the object, all with one click of the mouse. She brings my patient back to the room and I go in and ask with a straight face, “I saw your film and everything looks fine. However, there was one thing. Either you have the worst case of cancer I have ever seen, or you have a 13 inch dildo in your ass. Is there something you should tell me before I call the surgeon?” They guy replies, “yea, don’t call my wife.”
Off to call the Surgeon! Man did he think it was funny to be woken up at 3:30 am to come remove the dildo out of some guy’s ass. Might I add, the Surgeon on call was like a 70 year old Marine, been in every war since Korea, kind of Surgeon. He was not pleased (we played the count how many times he said fuck on the phone game). He instructed us to give pain meds and prep for Surgery, in case needed. Side note: If you give pain meds, the patient cannot sign the release form, only the valid spouse or significant other can. This really pissed off the girl friend at the bed side, cause we kind of called the wife to sign the forms. I didn’t the really bored nurses did.
So, there we were, wife patient, girlfriend, and one pissed off Surgeon. The girls were asked to leave so we could “discuss” the procedure. This is how the discussion went:
Surgeon, “You know today is Sunday. Not only is it Sunday, but it is 4 am Sunday morning. Did you know it’s the Lord’s day?”
Surgeon, “JP, he doesn’t need surgery, but we need to extract this damn thing. Only homo’s shove things up their ass, are you a homo boy?”
Patient, “No sir, my girl…”
Surgeon, “I don’t care!” To JP, “get me my gloves and KY.” To Patient, “Turn over and get on your knee’s”
Kids, I shit you not this is what happened next…
I gave the Surgeon all of the requested materials and while he was putting on his gloves the patient turned over and stuck his ass in the air. Just as the full moon shined, Dr. Demento went to work. Out of no where, the doc shoved, yes I said shoved, his entire hand and entire forearm up this dudes ass, as if he was trying to molest a muppet. Imagine a 70 year old man with a hand so far up a dudes ass, that as the guy was screaming it looked like he was making the guy talk.
So, you would think the story ends here…Nope! What happened next still bugs me to this day. The Surgeon was done rummaging around rectum land, and kicks open the trash can. Rips his arm out of the dude’s ass and throws the 13 inch dildo in the trash. As it hits the bottom of the can, the entire can starts to shake. No shit, the dildo was still on with what had to be fresh batteries in it, because the can was shaking. Yes, folks, my patient had an active dildo vibrating in his ass for hours! And what does any self respecting person do in a case like this? You guessed it, send picture of a 13 inch Black dildo to everyone and their mama’s cell phone.
Lesson here kiddies… When cheating on your significant other, do not shove a 13 inch dildo up your ass and go to the ER. They say always wear clean underwear cause you never know where you might end up. I say, keep your colon clean because you never know who might end up looking, in your end.