Lets talk medicine

This seems to be a favorite topic of people that meet me and find out my old profession. No, not a hooker slut, though we will get to that. I was and still am, a medic. I worked for a very busy level 1 trauma center fixing broken people. Yes, the first face you saw was my smiling mug (depending on if you  interrupted my nap) when brought in all mangled. This is here nor there. I am continually asked, “what is the worst thing I have seen?” Well, that is very subjective because I have seen some things that would scare Elton John straight. After experiencing this for years, I figured out what  people mean is, “what is funny and won’t give me nightmares after you tell me?”  Well here a few things you may not know about people that work in the ER:

  • Years of medical knowledge and an extreme grasp of pharmacology will eventually lead you to figure out what anyone has or is being treated for, rather quickly. This is useful when going back to a dates house and seeing pill bottles. These magic bottles are like a road map; know how to read them and you will stay clear of trouble.
  • You start collecting x-ray’s of interesting “foreign bodies/objects” found in a human. Because your friend won’t believe you sent an 80 year old male to surgery secondary to a 9 inch (circumference) sex plug in the colon, with out x-ray proof.
  • People that work in the ER like to gamble. On anything. My favorite was a 5 dollar buy in, on a fun game of “guess the blood alcohol content.” We would get everyone in on this. I especially like getting the cops that brought said drunk in, to get in on the action. My buddy Speedy Doc was really good at it, but now that I think of it, he did do his residency in Chicago and that  was an unfair advantage. Or, play guess that foreign body, where you would bet on what the mystery object in the film was. Closest won the pot.
  • 85% of ER employees have some kind of vice. Booze, caffeine, or sex. 50% of that combine all 3 in one good rippin ER party.
  • Any ER is an incestuously tight knit community. Everyone was sleeping with everyone. I had a slight edge being on all the code teams, cause I could roam the halls and hang out with the other departments.
  • Travel nurses; like shooting fish in a barrel.
  • Did I mention some of the craziest parties were thrown by nurses. I took my friend to one and warned her things might get a little crazy; she should have listened to me. She still brings up the hot tub like it was something out of an opening scene to a porno.
  • You can eventually do CPR and crack really bad jokes at the same time. Matter in fact if you cannot laugh at an old corpse with huge implants, its time to find a new job.
  • I once put my friend in a body bag at 3 am and called for the pick up services. When they lifted him off the table he moved his arms and legs; they dropped him on the ground and ran screaming like little girls. It was awesome! Seriously laughed my ass off for days.
  • I have gone into work hung over at  7 pm.
  • You at one point you may see a corpse waving at you. (All the newbies get this treatment)
  • If you are hung over pop in an IV of lactated ringers (you have to do it yourself or your are considered a pussy) and hook up some O2. You will feel like a champ in 1/2 an hour.
  • I know people that hooked up at work.
  • You have not lived until you have gone “stretcher surfing.”
  • Yes, fucking with a kid that is on acid, at 4 am, is as fun as it sounds. Even funnier, is when you hide behind a corner and jump out in front of the door, then jump back. If they scream, you calming walk in asking what the problem is, like nothing ever happened.

Last but certainly not least:

  • Valtrex, no matter how much you take will not prevent you from getting a case of the nasties. I treated a lot of strippers that claimed this miracle drug failed them. Oh, and the vag seems to be a convenient storage place for money for hookers, so I hear.

Remember  Scrubs is pretty damn realistic. In fact blend Scrubs with Hopkins and you would have my old stomping grounds. ER workers really do care, but the stress will make one do very bizare things. I suggest watching Bringing out the Dead. It may explain my logic a bit better.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Lets talk medicine

  1. I have heard about hooking yourself up to IVs. I wish there was some way I could get in on that. Seems magical…

    Call it the magic eraser of hangovers!

  2. I was totally that 4 a.m. kid.

    Jerk.

    I have to entertain myself somehow.

  3. The bit about putting your friend in a body bag, seriously made me crack up. I’m adding that to my bucket list!

    When I was writing this I was even laughing. Seriously, dropped him 3 feet to the ground. We had to skip going surfing that morning cause his back hurt.

  4. A lot of these sound eerily similar to working in a restaurant… betting on everything, incestuous, crazy parties, vices, coming in hungover in the evenings…

    I worked in a restaurant before the ER, lets just say it was an easy transition.

  5. The SIS

    You missed something about Kiwi’s, a knife, bagel and how the mighty fall.

    That would be a post titled, “taking care of friends that were injured due to stupidity.” Lets just say it would be a large post.

  6. k8

    I love the BAC bets! Love it! I know that I was a doozie way more than a few times in the ER. Frequent flier was attached to my name if I do so recall. I went home one night after they released me and told my boyfriend that I “won” because I had the highest BAC than either of us had had to date. That’s how fucked up of an alcoholic I was. The nurse just kept shaking her head saying, “You should be dead. You should not be walking and talking.” And I was pretty damn coherent, and finished off the night with, “Well, I’m not dead yet. Get me the fuck out of here so I can drink some more.” I was NOT pleasant.

    I had a few “clients” that lived around 300 BAC. 400 is toxic. Yea, I worked in the hood.

  7. They store money in their cooters?!?!

    AAAHHHH!

    Oh yea! We are talking a roll of cash the size of a fist, held together with a rubber band. Think of that next time you pay cash for dinner.

  8. Please don’t scare Elton John straight. I’m not ready for the world to end.

    I will try to go easy on him.

  9. So your saying if I want to get laid I need to work in the ER? Med school here I come.

    8 years and $200,000 dollars later, yes you too can get laid!

  10. This was hysterical! And also, very informative. I’d never really thought about ER employee dynamics but it all makes total sense. And effing with a kid on acid in the middle of the night? Evil. And hilarious.

    Yea this post was tame. Wait until next week when I get involved with TMI Thursday!

  11. oh my effin God! Hysterical…

    True…thats why its funny…
    Once in the ER I saw a kneecap which had slid down the shin bone…not so much gross as fascinating…

    Oh yeah…and 2 of our favs here at our hospital…
    the guy who likes to cram pencils up his pecker and the other guy and his life partner who like to play “foley pull out fore-play”

    Penis Trauma is always good fodder…
    don’t you think?

    x0
    v8

    ps…you are my new fav…oxoxoxx

    Well if you like this, wait until next weeks TMI Thursday. Yea, the foley 4-play, not cool!

  12. I want to go stretcher surfing. It’s now on my list.

    It should be an Olympic sport.

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