Let me peek at your soul

Every once in a while you can get a glimpse of  a persons mentality or even see what kind of human they really are. Our species is self righteous and narcissistic by nature. You might be asking yourself, “JP when can I see what a person is really like, without even having to speak to them?” Well my friend, when someone is placing an order. A more poignant and highlighted example is when someone places an order  at Starbucks. 

I have always touted this theory amongst friends, swearing that I could narrow someone down in the matter of a few seconds. Matter in fact Starbucks is one of my favorite places to do a first date or what I like to call the “interview”. Not because it is just quiet, mellow, and a good cup of joe, but for the pure pleasure of hearing my date say, “I would like.” This simple phrase will surmise what the next few minutes or hours will bring–depending on if I answer my bailout call or not. You can do this as well. You just need to be armed with the proper information. So, for the purpose of enlightenment I will share the orders and the repercussions as I have seen and experienced. **This is referring to females, however the gender roles can be re-assigned with the same effects. This is assuming the date is at night. Please note this is coming from a purely male perspective and all corrections are welcome.**

  1. Decaf Girl- There are a few ways to go with this one. A) Agreed to meet you, but has no further plans for the evening. B) 7th day Adventist; time to bail anyways. C) Recovering addict; just need to push her in the right direction.
  2. Plain Black Coffee Girl- This is my kind of girl. Straightforward, low-stress, and to the point. Knows that the true flavor is to be savored without bastardization. May have many cups in one day. Might hear, “what is the strongest brew you have today” question come from her direction. 
  3. Espresso Girl- Ah, the fun lovin’ European or wanna be culture monger. This is just a side step from the Plain Black Cup girl and may highlight that she works the night shift or heavily addicted. Uses lots of pop-culture references, especially from books. Either way, not an amateur to the game. May mainline smack in her spare time; hold her hand and check the fingers…
  4. Mocha Girl-May not like coffee’s pure form, but ever since her early morning class back in college, she cannot survive without it. May have been a part of a sorority or still in one. May want to discuss her new purse or shoes. For this girl, you may want to check the ID and ask if she is a Jonas Brothers fan. Better indicator of this is to say, Thundercats-if a confused look crosses her face, eject. 
  5. Chai Tea Girl- Mellow. May dislike coffee altogether and say something like, “I enjoy the smell.” Then she may launch into something like, “I always enjoyed the smell of my dads coffee.” Yea, potential for “daddy” issues here. If no such issues are detected, you may hear stories of how she does yoga in order to center her life. As if the mass amounts of ganja doesn’t do that. May not shave! Need I say more? 
  6. Iced Coffee Girl- Is a blending of Mocha Girl and Plain Black Coffee Girl. Fashionable, may be high maintenance, but overall you could look past it. 
  7. Half-Caf, Soy Americano, 2 Sugars, No Fat, No whip, Light Syrup, 145 degrees- Yea, there are people out there that orders this crap. I have no idea what it is and I am betting, the person on the other side of the counter making this abomination, is thinking the same thing. Shoot me! This order is a warning sign that this girl is either supreme high maintenance or psychotic. May want to discuss the newest fashion trends and is concerned with car you drive. Either way avoid at all costs. 
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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Let me peek at your soul

  1. I always knew I was awesome, but it’s nice to be validated on a stranger’s blog based on my coffee preferences. Today = good day.

    Also, Cheetara was as cool as fuck.

    That’s what I am here for. Always doing what I can to serve the public. Panthro was always my favorite. Punk rock since day one with those kick-ass spikes.

  2. The Sis

    Also you neglected the category of ordering straight off the menu vs that last “special order.” There is a complete difference in a girl that orders a vanilla latte vs a vanilla skim no whip, 4 pump latte.

    I took LIZARD to Starbucks on our first date just to see what she ordered. It was a caramel macchiato, straight of the menu. Knowing her as you do, no big surprise that she was that easy going.

    Never trust a girl that doesn’t drink the brew.

    Correct. This scale is open to interpretation. The base assumption is that if the guy/girl behind the counter has to write it down, time to get outta there. Or as the say, “theres a trouble brewin!”

  3. Holy crap! Your breakdown is disarmingly close to being correct and it does not portray a pretty picture. You see, I am confessing that I fall very close to that #7 – my order is decaf old-school americano – I will claim that this order makes me (acceptably) charmingly high-maintenance and only half-psychotic.

    By the way, this order is just a cheap way of getting a strong latte – it’s half the price because I add soy milk after the fact (yes, I’m one of those), and the “old-school americano” part is just an anglicized way of saying espresso. The decaf part is so my eyes don’t roll back in my head. Guess that’s where the high-maintenance part comes in.

    I have spent many years studying this phenomenon and after careful breakdown this can be a very helpful guide for both male and female persuasions. This is especially true in airports where time is a factor. Thanks for joining in Emma.

  4. k8

    How did you know I was a recovering addict?
    I tend to do my research 😉

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