Dear Re-incarnation of JP,
Dude, I am sooo sorry! Seriously, I had no idea what I was doing. I inherited this body from the last guy and he must have been a real ass. He didn’t even bother leaving me a user’s manual or even a note. What a dick! I have been paying for his mistakes for quite some time now. So, with that in mind I thought I would give you the heads up on the inner workings of your new body. It’s the least I can do.
- Brain: He is the CEO of the body and man he is a narcissistic workaholic. Extremely temperamental and has a god complex over everyone else. The funny thing is he is the most fragile and weak employee you have, like a typical boss. So you have to protect him at all costs, because if he quits, you’re screwed! I knocked him around a couple times and lets just things were fuzzy for awhile. Enjoys booze and messing with the heart. Likes nicotine, alcohol, praise, and is addicted adrenaline and dopamine. Still recovering from 9 concussions and a few “minor bumps”.
- Ears: These guys are cool. They hang around all day just listening to things. They totally get excited when you play music for them. You can even decorate them. Chewing on them causes the penis to do strange things, but he doesn’t complain. Though they really don’t like loud noises and female requests/complaints.
- Nose: This guy is primeval. Always looking out for us. Lets you know about all of the good things like flowers and the blending of pheromones. If he smells trouble you will know it. Sometimes he tells the face about impending foul smells and they try to run. Bleeds profusely if struck.
- Eyes: Pretty much the navigator of this operation. Hopefully they give you the right information. Sometimes screws with the brain for fun. You will know when this happens. This usually occurs when drinking in a low-lit bar and your friends will start to make fun of you; thus, pissing off the ears the next day. Their delightful color usually helps the penis accomplish his mission.
- Mouth: This guy never shuts up and has recently been seen dating the foot. He and the stomach are good buddies and work as a team. The brain likes it when these two get together because they bring pleasure to the entire system. Beware this guy can get you into big trouble, especially when drinking. Sometimes makes claims that the other parts cannot back up. He and the tongue get into a lot of trouble.
- Skin: Mellowest kat around. Lets you draw all over and put holes in him. No matter what he just hangs around. He doesn’t like to come into contact with fire and asphalt though and gets real pissy when this happens. Complains about it for days. Good guy to have around and keeps everyone together. Have had to sew him up 7 times.
- Heart: This guy is always arguing with the brain and penis about females. Has A.D.D. big time; damn fool can’t stop moving. Lives in a cramped apartment with 4 other people. Kind of a neat freak and doesn’t like trash coming inside his house. If he passes out he is taking everyone with him. Trash talks about being mistreated and kicked around. Has been broken a few times
- Lungs: They argue with the brain about his nicotine problem. Their sworn enemy is Turkish Silvers and pollution. Watch out if this guy picks up a bug, he will make the entire body suffer.
- Liver: This guy is always pissed. He feels he is overworked, underpaid, and treated like shit. Truth is we “may” have been working him overtime without any vacation. I’ve been trying to give him a break, but the brain and mouth just won’t let it happen.
- Stomach: Keep an eye on this guy. Total glutton! Especially when he and the mouth start to party together. Every once in a while after the mouth overloads him, usually late at night, he fights back. I recommend you avoid this confrontation at all costs! The stomach wins every time and will defeat the evil mouth. If overindulged he can create issues for the skin. This usually pisses off the skin and he whines to the brain to clean him off.
- Penis: Okay,this guy can be a total prick. One track mind and overrides the brain and makes fun of the heart constantly. He gets you into situations and places that sometimes are not the best. Be careful where you take him, he could pick up strangers (so far all clear). Make sure he always wears his coat. Sometimes, if it is really cold out make sure he wears two.
- Hands: Take care of these guys. They always come through in a pinch.
- Feet: Make sure the follow each other, one after the other. This seems to work out the best. Keep them out of the mouth!
All in all, I had a great run. A few break downs here and there, but a few pins and some surgery later, good as new. I have tried to do my best to keep the engine running smoothly. If I had known that being a good person and staying away from things like alcohol, cigarettes, and other wonderful discoveries would have helped you in the future, I would have… Well, lets be honest I wouldn’t have changed a thing and my future activities don’t look so good either. Have fun you’re Fucked.
Best of luck,