Gettin’ down in the kitchen with JP

Bonerific!

Yes,  I said Bonerific because my blog, my rules. Moving on… “Trapped in the cockpit at forty thousand feet/the sky is the limit but we supersede/the greed for the speed is like way beyond limits/I grab my parachute with like/forks and spoons in it/and I’m falling/I’m falling/my heart rapid rushes/death before my eyes/oh why did I trust this/my reactions are repeated/over and over/and over/oh it seems like I will never be sober.” (Pharcyde)

We are talking Pot Roast today at The Gospel. Yes, that honkiest of honky meals, but boy is it good. The problem is it takes some time and if you are like me (poor you), then you don’t want to mess with it. But… Damn the stuff is sooo good. I am hear today to tell you and illustrate step by step how to trow down on a bad-ass pot roast with mash potatoes and gravy, that feeds 6 hungry adults or 6 separate meals for the week.

How to start the Pot Roast:

Step 1: Poor a drink

Russian Standard Vodka

I recommend the Russian Standard Vodka, on the rocks, with one slice of lemon. Great way to kick things off.

Step 2: Chop the following vegetables

• Carrots 1 small bag
• Celery 1 stalk
• Onion 2 medium coarsely chopped
• Garlic 3 entire bulbs minced
• Red bell pepper (optional)
• Green Bell Pepper (optional)

I didn’t have much time so I prepared all my veggies in advance. Plus, I have a vacuum sealer so it makes life easier. You can throw all these in a zip-lock bag.

Step 3: Get your meat ready (that’s what she said)

I see you starring at my big hunk of meat

I recommend using a 5 lb cut of shoulder. Most of the time the package will say “pot roast” on the outside. Too easy, all you have to do is remove the wrapper and that’s it. Do not trim the fat off this, it needs to melt into the dish. This is very important and where a lot of the flavor will come from.

Step 4: Put your meat and veggies in a crock-pot in the morning.

Annie Leibovitz eat your heart out.

Step 5: Sprinkle your season packet over the meat and veggies. Then add 3 cups of water. Set the crock-pot on low and allow to cook for 8 hours. 

It’s not cheating if it works.

Now after you have let 8 hours pass, I like to set this up before I go to work in the morning, take the meat out and place on a cutting board. It should fall apart as you are taking it out.

Then, remove as many vegetables from the crock as possible, placing them in a bowl.

Lifts and Separates

You will then have just the juice from the crock left which need to be saved for later. I like to put it in a pitcher for easier use when needed. (careful very hot!) It is okay if a few stray veggies are in the juice.

Once the juice has been removed from the crock, place the shredded meat and veggies back in the crock and cover. It should still be on low at this point.

How to get your mash potatoes going:

Step 1: Now that you have the juices set aside and the meat and veggies back together, get a large pot half full of salted water. Bring to a rolling boil and add your potatoes.

Small bag of red potatoes

Step 2: Boil your small bag of red potatoes for 35 minutes. Then remove, drain, and put in a large bowl for mashing.

Mash dem taters

Step 3 While mashing add:

• 1 tsp of salt
• 1 tsp of pepper
• 4 table spoons of butter
• 1/2 cup of milk
• Mash and blend until semi-smooth, depending on how you like your mashed potatoes.
• Personally, after the initial mash I throw it all into the stand mixer set on 3 for a few minutes until creamy.

Whip up some gravy:

• Heat in a medium size pot, 2 teaspoons of bacon grease or duck fat. If you do not have either, 2 tablespoons of margarine will work.
• Allow to get hot, but not burnt.
• Add 3 tablespoons of all purpose flour to the pot and allow to slightly brown or achieve a rust color.
• Once flour color is achieved, add what should be about 4 cups of left over juices from the crock-pot, one cup at a time, whisking vigorously.
• At this point set your pot to simmer (2 on the dial) and allow to thicken for 10 minutes, whisking every 2 minutes.
• If your gravy is still too thin, add a pinch or two of flour. Be sure to whisk thoroughly.

Whip that gravy's ass!

Once you have your roast set, mash, and gravy is all set up throw it on a plate and get down to business

Oh yea, I see you drooling!

Oh, lets not forget dessert! Berries are in season and nothing is better then berries and whip cream. Well, nothing better then berries with whip cream and  little chocolate sauce!

Very good.

So, to recap, here is your shopping list in order to make this dish:

1. 1 bottle Russian Standard Vodka
2. a few lemons
3. Ice
4. 5 lbs of shoulder roast beef (pot roast)
5. 1 package of McCormick (or generic) pot roast seasoning
6. 2 medium onions
7. 1 small bag of carrots
8. 3 garlic bulbs
9. 1 celery stalk
10. 1 small bag of red (creamer) potatoes
11. any other veggies you want to add
12. 1/2 cup of milk
13. Bacon grease/duck fart fat/margarine
14. all purpose flour
15. Berries
16. Hershey’s chocolate syrup
17. Cool-Whhhip

Helping the guys

Gentlemen, the other day I was on the phone with a (girl) friend of mine and she was complaining that her boyfriend never did anything for her. I quickly ran interference and listed a few things like diamonds, Cristal, and various vacations. Like the good the good friend I am, I told her I was done with her, hung up, and called her boyfriend. I asked him the following question, “dude, how can you put up with her?” His reply, “Bro, she’s hot and I get laid WHENEVER I want it.” I found no flaws in his logic. He proceeded to tell me about the situation at hand, saying that she wants him to be more giving in the sense of cleaning the house and cooking. I promptly stopped him there.

The girl we are speaking about is a vegetarian and by proxy so is he. So, my advice to grill up a steak was shot down quicker than Harry Whittington. Being the good guy I am, I suggested a nice soup since there is an Arctic blast rolling through where they live. I proceeded to tell him about a broccoli soup recipe that would kick her right in the baby maker and elevate him to domestic rock star status. He followed the following instructions and his status was swiftly “elevated” if you know what I mean. So, gentlemen, follow this recipe and you too can hang out with your wang out:

You will need

3 crowns of broccoli

1 pint of heavy whipping cream

1 wedge of sheep/goats milk cheese ( I used black sheep truffle cheese-good earthy balance)

Good cheese

salt and pepper for taste

Start by cutting up 2 crowns of the broccoli. Combine the cream and cheese in a bowl to have it ready.

Get your items ready

Then steam 2 of the 3 crowns of broccoli in 2 cups of water. Use a steamer basket if you have one. If not boil the water then add the broccoli, cook until soft.

Steam is good!

Once properly steamed, chop up the cooked broccoli in a food processor, blender, magic bullet or what ever. Keep the water in the pot (it will be green). If you do not have a way to chop it up, just dump it in the water and mash it up with a plastic spoon. Then, once properly chopped or mashed, add the cream/cheese mixture to the water and broccoli pot. Then season with salt and pepper to taste.

Umm, all done.

Let this simmer on low for about an hour stirring every 15 minutes. It will be rich and creamy and ready to kick your girl right in the ovary’s! Then, deploy the adult beverages and enjoy the fruits of your labor. I promise this will be a home run and she will leave you alone next time PTI comes on.

Enjoy!

Music+hunger=Creativity

What happens when JP is left without any roommates and there is really no food in the house? Thats right, it means it is time to dust off that old record, heat up the stove, and move your dancin feet.

I have to admit that I really neglected any and all adult responsibilities this weekend, especially after hanging out with an ex-girlfriend (I am trying to make things cool for the sake of the friends). So I did not bother to go shopping or even attempt to make a list. Instead, I pulled out the cooking “man style” book (I opened the fridge) and proceeded to rock out with the music blasting. You may wonder, JP what is a man dish? Well, it is a dish that traditionally ends up in one pot and covers all major food groups at once. Here is what I found in the fridge and how it went down:

2 green peppers sliced in food processor

1 large onion sliced in food processor

10 cloves of garlic coarsely minced

5 red potatos

1 packet of fajita seasoning

1 pound of lamb

1 pack of red beans and rice

cheese (optional)

Heres how it went down:

Season the onions, peppers, and garlic with 1/2 packet of fajita seasoning in a bowl with a dash of olive oil

make them onions sweat

Do the same for the potatoes

Umm, goodness

Then get your grind on with the lamb and start the rice and beans according to the package. Once the rice and beans are going and the lamb is ground, cook it up.

Cheap and easy, kind of like me

Get'cha grind on

After cooking the meat add it to the pot. Then brown your peppers and onions while frying up the potatoes. This is where having ADD comes in handy. Once all elements are cooked add them the rice and beans pot.

By this point your house will smell really good

While simmering all elements, add 2 heaping spoon fulls of the secret ingredient.

Several million Asian's can't be wrong

After the garlic sauce let simmer for 5 minutes. Now it is ready to serve. I suggest adding a dairy product just to make sure everything is covered.

Now your man meal is complete

There you have it. A one pot man meal with scavenged scraps of food from the fridge. Remember this can be done with a wide variety of food sources, the key here is creativity.