My Poop Smells Like Poopourri

Well well well…Look who’s back…It’s me, the neurotic DCPrincess…

Last time I was here, I was drooling all over Zooey Deschanel because she is absolutely amazing. But today, I want to talk to you about something else.

I just wish I knew what that something else was.

See, I get all excited when someone says they’re looking for guest posters, jump the gun and then when the time comes, I have shit to say!

That’s it.

Let’s talk about shit! (Lexa, you might wanna skip this one)

See, I just spent 5 minutes of my life talking about pooping with the two sexy bitches I live with…and I think C is going to steal my pooping pose*. I’ll cut her if she does!

*ahem*

Speaking of my roomies, when I moved to this house, I discovered something AMAZING. You should definitely use it for your stinkiest poops**!

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

So…poop. I’m sorry but does anyone else love taking a shit as much as I do?

Is that not the sexiest sentence you’ve ever read***?

I could end the blog here and let the shit hit the fan.

Why are women so afraid of pooping? Or talking about pooping?  Also, am I the only one that likes to take magazines/books into the bathroom when I know I’ll be there a while? (I meant the ladies…We know guys like that). At my parents’ place, I used to have magazines and books stacked up in the bathroom closet just for that purpose.

Sometimes though, I forget that the poop is done and just sit there on the toilet reading. What?! The books I read are GOOD! I forget about my butt sometimes…though I’m not sure how because it is HUGE.

The worst though? It’s the period poop.  Come on ladies…You know what I’m talking about…You have those awful cramps, the pain killers aren’t doing anything and you know the only way you can get a tad bit relief is by pooping. It’s painful, it’s frustrating and it sometimes ends up being the ‘ghost poop’ but it is oh so glorious.

Speaking of which, my cramps are getting worse…Oh, I should go before I fart in here and stink up JP’s home for the next guest.

*I may demonstrate at LiLu & Maxie‘s wedding if I’m persuaded (re: drunk) enough.

**From their FAQ on the site:
Q: What about the gas that escapes?
A: While the product works great at eliminating bathroom odors, it is designed to trap and neutralize odors IN the toilet. If you experience residual smells due to gas, we suggest you spray Poo~Pourri lightly in the air after using the restroom. Be careful, oil overspray may cause slippery surfaces or damage to materials.
Q: What about floating waste matter?
A: By the way, this is the most commonly asked question by guys (go figure). Yes, it works great on floaters because as they penetrate the film they are coated. When they surface they are encapsulated with Poo~Pourri eliminating potential bathroom odors. No need to worry. (Heh, they said penetrate)

***Try not to faint from my sexiness guys. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

Beauty is in the eye of… the creeper.

Hey kids of the JP Gospel! GingerMandy here… I’m the first of the week to terrorize JP’s space while he’s gone wherever the hell he is, so I hope I don’t let you guys down. It’s kinda nice over here actually… I’ll just make my way to the fridge and plop down on the couch. We all know he’s got good beer and this cheapass better have Cinemax…

And hey, note to my readers — be polite… take off your shoes. This is a safe place. And don’t shit on the floor. I don’t need you making me look bad.

Anypoop, I’m going to talk today about dating. Internet dating. We all do it… I don’t think there’s very many single 20something bloggers out there that have never tried the internet dating thing. We’re all kind of in our little bubble that makes us hate the regular sheep of society (OK maybe just me) so we rely on the internet to not only spill our thoughts, but hopefully find a partner. Whatever that partner is for may differ, but we’re all doing it.

I wrote awhile ago how I made a dating profile, and would occasionally discuss my interesting experiences, starting with the guy who drunk dialed me before we even had a date, the one that signed all his text messages Batman, and a few others. I guess when I think about it they haven’t been that bad… just… weird. Well, I got a little tired of the same stupid messages from the same idiots that don’t even bother to read your profile that clearly says “if you just say ‘hi how are you’ I probably won’t respond, so try to make your message somewhat creative and put a little effort into it,” and then send you a message saying “hi how are you today,” so I deleted it.

Then I realized I had no blogging material, so I made another one.

Yesterday I received this message:

…i could paint you ..yes i am an artist…i think i would enjoy your spirited values ……and wow ..i am older ..52..single and free..so perhaps sometime soon after we talk …we could hang out for a day……my self …i seek a friend ..a passionate young lover …a companion….a muse………may i ask ..do you paint or draw …since you like or have an interest in art…??..or would you like to learn..??..i hope that this will interest you ….please do send a reply… i would take it as an honor to paint you someday…..

……………………………..sincerely…..robert

First of all, holy ellipsis. Secondly, umm I don’t have a secondly, I just can’t get over the ellipsis. I’d love to have a conversation with this guy though, “Hi Mandyyyyyyyyy *5 second pause* Can I paint youuuuuuuuu *13 second pause* and so on. I bet he’s got a killer blank stare, too. HOT. Where do I sign up?

I couldn’t ignore this, so this is what I responded.

Hey there! So you want to paint me, huh? When you say paint me, do you mean paint a picture of me, or paint my body? Like painting clothes on me?

And this is what I got:

mandy…… of course i ment paint a picture of you………… i am a water color artist …………… let me question this have you been nude for an artist before….??….. it takes a strong women and open minded but you are too beautiful and could do this for me….?… it would be of a great honor… please let me know…… i would love to pose you and create an art of the work that is your body……………………. thank you……..

……………….robert

The “work that is my body.” It is work stuffing it with pop tarts and beer and mini bar burgers, I’m glad someone can appreciate it. This is my kind of art! So I responded with this:

No I have not been nude for an artist before, but let me ask you this…. if you paint me naked, are you going to include my stretch marks and scars? Or can you leave those out? I’d also like you to add some tattoos to the painting of me. I’d like a few more eventually and this would be a good place to experiment. Right?

No response.

Bummer, dude…. I was really hoping for a false nude photo of myself to put up on my dating profile. He could have helped my game.

So who wants to paint this ass?

Peace to the East!

What up Beeetches!

I was going to write about an idea¹ I had about creating an urban drug Olympics, where you would take users of things such as meth, crack, pcp, and smack, and pit them against each other in competition. Think Cops², just more creative and an awards ceremony at the end; nothing amazes me more than a tweaker running from the cops.

Although the Junkie Olympics³ will not fully be discussed here today, something more important will be.

NA, NA, NAH, NA, NA I am going to Beer Fest!

Yes, my name is JP and I am five. If you have been reading for a while you may know I have been brewing my own beer for about 7-8 years and I keep getting better with ages.⁴ I have always heard about the Great American Beer Fest in Colorado, and have always wanted to go. I realize they charge too much and the cup they give you is pretty small, but you are also talking to the guy who drank Kona Brewing Company’s Pipeline Porter dry at the NOVA Brew Fest and got totally hammered with brass in the State Department; I love my friends.

Its not about the price or the size of your glass⁵ it is the Fest itself. To wander the isles checking out new and upcoming breweries or the old guard. The entire festival is broken into regions, so of course I have my plan of attack all mapped out. I am going to destroy the Pacific and Rocky Mountain sections, as we in the East, rarely get the chance to check them out. Don’t get me wrong, the East has many of my favorites, but the West is like the rare tuna you can only get at the pricey sushi joint you have always wanted to go to.

Anyways, my point is I am really excited about trying new things and having a well deserved good time. Next week I have some pretty awesome guests stopping by to season your melon with goodness. So, at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, I will be taking off to end my 35 days of sobriety and hopefully starting a new or at least different chapter in the Gospel of JP.

1Like all good ideas this one came to me while dropping a deuce the other day.

2I know you have watched. We all have watched at some point in our life.

3Its mine. You can borrow, but don’t steal.

4Can someone remind me to bottle the Saison I have fermenting in DC while I am there please?

5You totally were expecting me to reference my penis, I know.