As binding as a pinky swear

With the new year on the horizon, I felt the follow is important to have handy when having others join you at social events. Please note this is an adaptation of a mailer I received from the lovely folks at Camel and can be used for any social situation, not just this evening.

The undersigned agrees that any and all events related to or involving_______________ on the eve of______________ are confidential in nature and shall not to be spoken of to anyone. EVER.

And by “anyone,” I mean any person or persons Not involved, present, or even thought of during said event’s with EXPLICIT emphasis on _______________’s girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife OR authorities of any kind. This also implies your significant other and supersedes all spousal rights.

Acknowledgment of this agreement therefore entitles the undersigned to _____________________.

Failure to recognize this legally binding document will result in_________________seeking compensation in the form of ________________, from the undersigned individual________________.

If compensatory damages are not paid, ______________________’s services will be hired to seek out and destroy _______________’s social and political life/connections in the form of public humiliation and or flogging.

I __________________ Understand that there is no photography, video, or any other recording devices allowed to be present at anytime during the eve of______________. Also, any and all extra persons invited to said event must be agreed upon and cleared by ________________ and ________________.

Signed:________________________

Date:______________________

Witness:________________________

(For office use only)

Approved:________

Denied:_________

Any supporting documentation:____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Vicoden

Typically I can handle a great deal of pain, however this time I was not so strong. Next time a dentist armed with a drill and a pry bar asks, “JP would you like to be fully sedated or just Novocaine” and I respond with anything other than “here is my best vein,” shoot me and end my miserable existence. I do not deserve to carry on. As I have said before, I had a wisdom tooth removed from my jaw and I was basically incapacitated for a week clamoring to my bottle of the little white wonderful chemical helpers. So, what does JP do when he is totally wasted and have nothing to do? Thats right, cook up a big hunk of meat!

I had been tapped or volunteered to make the Christmas main dish this year, as I have been chosen in the past. This time I was blasted on Vicoden! What did I cook you may ask? I drop kicked a 10 pound pork shoulder…Boo Yea! Let me introduce you to the 3 day Florida Christmas Cookin’ JP style.

First start out with a fresh 10 lb. Boston Butt and coat with the following marinade and allow to set overnight:

Marinated Pork Shoulder

1. 20 cloves of garlic
2. 6 tablespoons nutmeg
3. 5 springs of thyme
4. 6 ounces of quality rum
5. 3 cups of brown sugar
6. Dust with sea salt and cracked pepper.

Then next day pull it out of the fridge and get the fire a blazin. At this point being on vicoden and playing with using lighter fluid and matches, may not be the best idea. Oh well. Let it burn!Then get out the trust ax and go swinging away on the closet orange tree to you. Also, add 2 oranges to the wood and squeeze the juice all over the wood. This is where it gets erotic romantic.This is the point in which you need to place the pork on the opposite side of the smoker you intend to use. I prefer to put my meat close to the stove pipe (that sounds really bad). Once you have it all set up, drop those firey coals on top of the wood and oranges.Close ‘er up and and let it go for 8 hours. Every hour or 2 check the smoke level, if it is not coming out at a decent rate, throw some more wood on the fire. It should look something like this.Once it comes off the smoker, shred the meat off the bone (sounds uncomfortable) and place in a roasting plan large enough to hold it. Cover with foil and place back in the fridge. Next day, throw it in the oven on 225 for about 2 hours and it will then be ready to go. By placing it back in the oven, it allows all the fat to break down and re-marinate-keeps everything nice and juicy.

So, unlike cooking the ham, I did not set the house on fire. Matter in fact this is the perfect way for a “stoned” individual to cook a meal. Plus, while I was lounging around I received a killer gift that I had won from a beautiful woman, Lemmonex! Though, I was concerned I may catch her wicked illness via post, kind of like anthrax, but not really…Ah, its good to be JP! Oh and this recipe feeds like 50, so feel free to scale down a bit if your party is not as grand.

Where do I sign?

I realize I am getting bored with my “daily routine” in that the only routine thing is work, even then it can be a bit sketchy. The travel bug has infiltrated my brain once more, as in I need to bail out for at least a solid month and just get lost in another culture for a while. This way when I return, I appreciate my lifestyle and the things I have (insert something enlightening). Lets be honest, I like to see what I don’t have so that I can aspire to do better, plus any time I can cause some non-sense on foreign soil I am down with. So here are the top 10 destinations that you would likely find JP visiting sometime soon. If you feel I have left a special place out, please chime in:

1. Cuba- Seeing how I dated most of the Cuban females in Florida, it is only right that I drift on down. Its a time capsule of 50′s revolutionary thought and lifestyle. It would give me a chance to work on my Spanish. Plus every time I go to Cayman, I fly right over the island. Each flight I say the same thing, “rum, cigars, cheap eats, and beautiful women, of course the government wants to keep that all to themselves. Bastards!”

2. Iceland-I am a huge fan of hot tubs and this country is one massive tub of hot bubbly volcanic goodness. Added bonus, ice hotels and hot women that have been trapped in doors all winter.

3. Spain- Its Spain, need I say more? Seriously.

4. Moldova- A good friend of mine is from here and his family owns a vineyard. I would like to see what a dissolved lesser known eastern block country has to offer a “gentlemen of question”. I hear the Russian mob runs this joint.

5. United Arab Emirates- What a contradiction. Islamic law and adaptation of western culture? Sure, this is the same place where the dj’s play all night until the call to prayer is heard in the morning. Man-made islands and indoor snow boarding in the desert. I might end up being here for a 6 month stint.

6.  Israel- 3 main religions dispute over this area. It has to be worth visiting. Think about it.

7. Bali and Java, Indonesia- I have wanted to surf these islands since I was 15. I have not changed my mind.

8. Germany- Chocolate Bear has family and friends there; this will prove to make a great adventure guaranteed.

9. Fiji and Samoa- I have also wanted to surf these islands and get a traditional tattoo. The kind where they use whale bone and a hammer instead of an electric gun. Kind of bad ass status comes with that kind of pain. Plus when I was in Hawaii they wouldn’t do it and called me a “howie,” thats basically Hawaiian for “cracker.”

10. Ireland- I want to do a driving tour of my ancestral home land. Take in the emerald isle on my time and really get to see the land.