Ramble on

The other day I came upon an issue. Now, there have been many things going on in my unemployed life, such as dealing with the insurance company about my car, going out on a few dates, about to start classes, how fucking cold I have been, and working at a bar on the weekends. Those are all seemingly good issues to ramble about, but they are not what I want to discuss today.

The issue I bring forth today is the shaving mishap I had the other night. Now, I know some of my female readers will not understand my plight, then again they may. So, I got the idea of “I want to shave the mustache portion of my goatee” on a whim. This is not uncommon for me to get a wild idea and act on it. It is what makes me, me. Anyways, I put it on twitter that I had this idea and received solid feedback about my possible endeavor.

With the positive feedback fueling my idea, I went into the bathroom and broke out the clippers. Knocked down the mustache and trimmed the sides a bit. However, while shaping the goatee, I went in too far on one side and had to even it up. Well, that didn’t go too well and I had to take the entire thing off.

So, what should have looked like this:

Ended up looking like this:

It is amazing how one slip of the clippers will change the whole look of your face.

What is the problem with this whole mishap? It is fucking cold in DC and now may face is being wind burned by the cold ass wind! Couple that with my inability to fully grow out a beard. Wait, no. Scratch that. I should say my impatience for growing a beard. It should be said at this point that I am envious of guys that can rock out a full beard. Take Zac Brown, lead singer of the Zac Brown band. This guy has a wicked mountain man-esque beard. I mean look at this guy:

Now that is an awesome beard. So, with this all said, I am going to attempt to achieve the Zac Brown style beard. I realize this will take some time and some patience, but I am going to go for it. Call it my delayed new years resolution.

Anyways, this leads me to the second portion of my ramble. If you have not heard the Zac Brown Band before, check them out. Their new album is pretty band good for a bunch of good ol’ boys from Georgia. With that said here is one of their videos…. Enjoy!

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My white flag is raised

Okay, DC, you got me. You got me good yesterday. In fact, I haven’t been punked this good in years. Let me splain youse…

I finally got a call back from the temp agency for a 1 day gig. Yes, 1 day, that pays. Not well, but its money. So, my unemployed ass rolled to this gig in Arlington and I was supposed to be there at 10 am. I chose to drive in, as I had plans in the evening and the bus schedule was not conducive to my social game plan. Well, I left the house at 8:30 and rolled to the metro closest to me. This particular metro has 2 parking garages and an entire stadium parking lot, so I didn’t think anything of it. I get there and the entire fucking thing is full. Great! Spent 20 minutes looking for a spot. Decided that it was a fruitless venture, so I jumped on 66. at this point, I knew I was fucked from the get go. Thank the baby jesus that I had gps on my phone or I’d be totally SOL. It took me about an hour to go 20 miles. Get to the job and have to pay out 1 hour’s worth of pay to park. Great, thanks, I see how this is going to be.

Worked for a company I have never heard of, so I decided to pretend it was summer camp, just in the winter. I know, it doesn’t make sense, but neither did the Russian broad telling me what to do.–Note to self, lean Russian and take over the world–So, my duties included, stocking general office supplies. Stocking the coffee pods. Now, it is important to note, that these people are addicted to their coffee; I swear I saw some rail-thin chick shooting up the mocha espresso in the copy room. Anyways, then I put mail, in a folder, with the addressee’s name on it. Yes, I was used to my full potential today. But wait, it gets better! So, in the afternoon, it was like arts and crafts time. Yes, a guy who can save/preserve your life was making…….. wait for it……. Fucking snow flakes from paper:

Look mom, I am making snow flakes!

Seriously, I put in the head phones and made snow flakes. Take that China, I was doing 3rd rate labor at 1st rate pay. USA! USA! USA! Okay, so it was fucking lame and the guys in the office were laughing, until I told them why I was there and what I was waiting on. They soon shut up. Bitches.

So, bailed out and rolled downtown for dinner. Well, on my way some asshat in a Lexus decided to take me head-on, on a narrow portion of L Street, so I swerved slightly and ate the protruding lug nuts of a moving truck, thus, shredding the right side of the Lincoln. Imagine the truck is this guy:

This was how I imagined the truck lug nuts to be

And my car as this:

Damage done after truck lug nuts

I am estimating about $2,500 worth of damage. NOT. FUCKING. COOL! At this point, I had already had a fucking weird day, so my car getting wrecked, seemed, well, trite. Seriously, I was either going to laugh or cry, and as we all know real men down cry unless they are watching Rudy or getting kicked in the nads. Time to play the game of “how good is your insurance?” So, I sucked it up and rolled to dinner. Poor girl, I felt like a neurotic mess by the time I got there and don’t remember too much of what I said, but I am sure it was uncomfortable.

Anyways, I was welcomed with open arms and had an amazing meal of Jalapeno Poppers, Greek Salad, Vegetarian Squash Lasagne, Baked Apple thing with cinnamon goodness all over it. So, basically, my ass was spoiled! Spoiled fucking rotten and yes, yes you should be hating on me right now, cause it was awesome. It was flat-out amazing and a couple glasses of wine later, all my worries were gone. Moral of this story? A good meal with good company, can wipe clean an entire day of absolute fucking non-sense. I don’t think she realized how good the evening made me feel. Seriously though, I went from stabby to sappy in one quick bite.

So, on the way home, I discovered that Virginia sells 40 ozers!  Yes, I couldn’t resist. So, DC, you may have won this round, but I am not down just yet. I will be back and I will own you!

Salud!

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When have I ever been too qualified

This morning I heard the strangest thing I have ever heard: I am too qualified. Let me qualify this by saying, I am to qualified to answer phones. Lets think about this for a hot minute…. when have I ever been too qualified to do anything? Is there such a thing? I would think if you have a job to fill and someone with experience to fill can, why wouldn’t you take them. Oh, too much experience? Gotcha! I see how this is.

This is just a coup on my voice and you just don’t have the balls to say, sorry we are looking for someone with a phone-sex operator voice. I have a sexy voice! Think Barry White after a pack of smokes and a whiskey hangover. Hell, if you let me drink on the job, I can give you a decent Paul Hogan circa 1986 with a strong “G’day” and “How ya going”.

I get why I was passed over and how I am too qualified, but for fuck sakes! I am 2 days away from day labor over here. I was envious of the guys cutting the grass at my apt complex today. Maybe I should call them? I am just tired (I am more than sure my friends are tired of hearing me) of worrying about a temp job, while I wait for the hotness to come through. Why should a hard worker “dumb down” their resume?

Anyways, I am just mouf’n off. I am the one that put myself in this position and the only one that can pull up on it. I have tons of time and very little money, for now. Hell, maybe I should go hang out and volunteer at the fire department while I wait. Oh well, guess I will go to the gym and work on my glamour muscles.

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Riot Soda’s!

In the spirit of the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia season finale, I decided to share with you the finale of JP’s Funky Farmhouse Saison. For those wondering what the hell I am talking about, a Saison is classified by the Beer Judge Certification Program as:

Aroma: High fruitiness with low to moderate hop aroma and moderate to no herb, spice and alcohol aroma.  Fruity esters dominate the aroma and are often reminiscent of citrus fruits such as oranges or lemons.  A low to medium-high spicy or floral hop aroma is usually present.  A moderate spice aroma (from actual spice additions and/or yeast-derived phenols) complements the other aromatics.  When phenolics are present they tend to be peppery rather than clove-like.  A low to moderate sourness or acidity may be present, but should not overwhelm other characteristics.  Spice, hop and sour aromatics typically increase with the strength of the beer.  Alcohols are soft, spicy and low in intensity, and should not be hot or solventy.  The malt character is light.  No diacetyl.

Appearance: Often a distinctive pale orange but may be golden or amber in color.  There is no correlation between strength and color.  Long-lasting, dense, rocky white to ivory head resulting in characteristic “Belgian lace” on the glass as it fades.  Clarity is poor to good though haze is not unexpected in this type of unfiltered farmhouse beer.  Effervescent.

Flavor: Combination of fruity and spicy flavors supported by a soft malt character, a low to moderate alcohol presence and tart sourness.  Extremely high attenuation gives a characteristic dry finish.  The fruitiness is frequently citrusy (orange- or lemon-like).  The addition of one of more spices serve to add complexity, but shouldn’t dominate in the balance.  Low peppery yeast-derived phenols may be present instead of or in addition to spice additions; phenols tend to be lower than in many other Belgian beers, and complement the bitterness.  Hop flavor is low to moderate, and is generally spicy or earthy in character.  Hop bitterness may be moderate to high, but should not overwhelm fruity esters, spices, and malt.  Malt character is light but provides a sufficient background for the other flavors.  A low to moderate tart sourness may be present, but should not overwhelm other flavors.  Spices, hop bitterness and flavor, and sourness commonly increase with the strength of the beer while sweetness decreases.  No hot alcohol or solventy character.  High carbonation, moderately sulfate water, and high attenuation give a very dry finish with a long, bitter, sometimes spicy aftertaste.  The perceived bitterness is often higher than the IBU level would suggest.  No diacetyl.

Mouthfeel: Light to medium body.  Alcohol level can be medium to medium-high, though the warming character is low to medium.  No hot alcohol or solventy character.  Very high carbonation with an effervescent quality.  There is enough prickly acidity on the tongue to balance the very dry finish.  A low to moderate tart character may be present but should be refreshing and not to the point of puckering.

Overall Impression: A refreshing, medium to strong fruity/spicy ale with a distinctive yellow-orange color, highly carbonated, well hopped, and dry with a quenching acidity.

History: A seasonal summer style produced in Wallonia, the French-speaking part of Belgium.  Originally brewed at the end of the cool season to last through the warmer months before refrigeration was common.  It had to be sturdy enough to last for months but not too strong to be quenching and refreshing in the summer.  It is now brewed year-round in tiny, artisanal breweries whose buildings reflect their origins as farmhouses.

Comments: Varying strength examples exist (table beers of about 5% strength, typical export beers of about 6.5%, and stronger versions of 8%+).  Strong versions (6.5%-9.5%) and darker versions (copper to dark brown/black) should be entered as Belgian Specialty Ales (16E).  Sweetness decreases and spice, hop and sour character increases with strength.  Herb and spice additions often reflect the indigenous varieties available at the brewery.  High carbonation and extreme attenuation (85-95%) helps bring out the many flavors and to increase the perception of a dry finish.  All of these beers share somewhat higher levels of acidity than other Belgian styles while the optional sour flavor is often a variable house character of a particular brewery.

Ingredients: Pilsner malt dominates the grist though a portion of Vienna and/or Munich malt contributes color and complexity.  Sometimes contains other grains such as wheat and spelt.  Adjuncts such as sugar and honey can also serve to add complexity and thin the body.  Hop bitterness and flavor may be more noticeable than in many other Belgian styles.  A saison is sometimes dry-hopped.  Noble hops, Styrian or East Kent Goldings are commonly used.  A wide variety of herbs and spices are often used to add complexity and uniqueness in the stronger versions, but should always meld well with the yeast and hop character.  Varying degrees of acidity and/or sourness can be created by the use of gypsum, acidulated malt, a sour mash or Lactobacillus.  Hard water, common to most of Wallonia, can accentuate the bitterness and dry finish.

All this really means is the beer I brewed for the 2009 Sam Adams Long Shot Competition, that has been fermenting since February, has finally been bottled. I seriously thought about throwing out this batch, until my former boss gave me a wicked going away gift. I gave him 2 sample bottles of my last competition batch and he kept a bottle. Meaning, he kept a bottle of the original batch of JP’s Funky Farmhouse Ale and we opened it the day I left my job. Ladies and gentlemen, it was fabulous and I decided to press forward with the 5 gallons in my closet that has been temp controlled and untouched since February.

So, without further delay, here are some photos from the bottling process:

5 Gallons of glorious Riot Soda

Hops, Malts, and Grains go in, and beer comes out.

As I was filling this bottle and taking pics, it spilled all over the floor. The things I do for my readers.

Capping is kind of a pain in the ass, but must be done.

Riot Soda's Complete!

So, hopefully in one week these bad boys should be carbonated and ready for deployment. Maybe if you are lucky, you can try one too! Later Bitches!!!

P.S. I will be making an appearance at the Happy Hour at Private Bar this Friday. Holla atcha Boi if you will be there too!

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Winter Wonderland

Normally I really would post about the weather, unless it was a hurricane and the waves were really good. However, during my second week in Deez C, it got a little cold. Well, really effin cold. So, last Saturday this was the scene at my apartment:

My poor car!

My friend getting covered in snow

The entire complex was covered

Ahh the joys of trying to do a beer run in the snow

So those of you still enjoying 70 or 80 degree weather, just remember your friend in the great white north.

P.S. As I write this today, all of that wonderful snow has melted and it now looks like a swamp in front of my place. Boo for that!

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JP goes to DC… for good!

I am finally back after a very busy week. Hmm, where do I begin?

  • Thanksgiving, got to hang out with a portion of the extended family out in Tampa, which was very nice to see everyone. Packed up last Friday and said my good bye’s to all of my friends. I shoved my entire life’s collection of crap into a Uhaul.

Truck and Car ready for the trip up

  • Friday night/Saturday morning, we were properly sent off by 2 close friends at 1 am. My sister, dog, and I set out for DC all piled into a very tiny truck cab.

The view from the porch of where I just left. I will miss this view.

  • Saturday, rolled into town around 2:30 and got ready for the UF v. FSU game. During the first quarter I unloaded all of my shit into the house. Seriously, I just slammed and jammed all of it into the house. By 4pm I was sitting on the couch, beer in hand, watching Florida kick the piss out of FSU. What a great gift!
  • Sunday and Monday I spent my time unpacking and playing the “I haven’t seen or used this item in a year, so it goes in the trash” game. It’s amazing how much crap I truly have.
  • Tuesday, went to an interview at a temp agency and felt out right dumb after all the “office skills” testing, How do I not remember fractions? I so won at life that day.
  • Wednesday, my birthday. First off, thank you to everyone for the calls, tweets, texts and other various messages.[1] I went to an interview, which I was not very excited about to be honest. A friend of mine set it up for me and I went to hear out what they had to say… I was blown away in every way, about this job and possible career. It was one of the best interviews I have ever been on and was just chill. I met with the Project Manager and the Team Manager and the entire time we were cracking jokes and having a very serious conversation at the same time. I was a gleaming bright fucking star at this thing. As we parted ways they told me if I was a fit that I would receive an email with an application for hire.
  • On my drive home from the interview, I got an email from the job saying they want me! Got home and got an email that read “JP Welcome to DC! I am submitting your offer letter and putting it in for a shit ton of money.” You have to love when your friend is in control of your hiring status after the initial interview!
  • Thursday, had to be up early for an anal probing by the government. Seriously, I spent almost 4 hours of my life filling out paperwork about my life. It was a very odd and eerie feeling having ones life on paper for the government to see. My paranoia is still not under control.
  • Thursday night, went on a date with a very cool woman. At first, I didn’t know if we would have too much in common as she is not my typical “type”; no tattoos, nor piercings and well-educated. We met up with and  I was very impressed with her candor and conviviality. There was not lag or lull in the conversation and we joked all night long. Initially, had a few beers and discussed where we were from and what we would like to do with the future. It is very nice to sit and converse with a smart and sharp minded individual. After a few beers, we hit the town to see the National Christmas tree. It was a beautiful scene with the tree lit and the White House in the foreground.

  • After the tree we traipsed all over town in search of a bar, which was an adventure in itself. During our tour of the city we quoted random episodes of Sunny and just laughed. I had a really nice tine last night and would go out with her again. If it doesn’t work out on a dating level, I can see the two of us being friends.
  • Today, I have to get more probing from the government and I have dinner plans with some friends[2]
  • Tomorrow is the Florida v. Alabama game and I totally stoked. I have nothing but bloody mary’s and beer planned for the afternoon. Time to put the stresses of life on hold while I get tanked and yell at the tv.
  • Next week, after the massive hangover I will have, I will be back on the job hunt for some kind of temp work until the government clears me. Back to the hustle I guess.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends that have helped me in the past few weeks and everyone for their support. It has been quite a ride so far and there will be many more obstacles to over come in the next few weeks. Just know, your support keeps me hustling strong… PIMP HAND!


[1] @Ihatesomuch @Livitluvit I so would have come out and met you, but I had a very early and important meeting the next day. Rain check bishes!

[2] Actually, I was told that we have plans. This is why I need a social secretary!

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1 Year ago…

Check out how it all began: Click Here

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Creepy bathroom guy

Today, we need to discuss something that plagues both males and females when out and about on the town…this guy:

bathroom_attendant

The creepy bathroom attendant! This guy or girl depending on where you are at, is lurking in the restroom to soap your hands and give your towels. On top of that, they try to sell you goods and various items for your consumption… out of the fucking bathroom. Seriously guy, you want me to buy your nuts after I was just handling mine? Piss off!

Though, its not the items sold or how they pressure you into hygiene. It is there blatant lack of respect for man code and their request for a tip afterwards. Lets review for the ladies out there who may not know a few key points of man code in the bathroom (or those that think man code is lame):

No urinal shall be used when the adjacent urinal is in use by another man. Exemptions: At sporting events where there are not enough urinals or there is a line, adjacent urinals may be used.

In the event that both outside urinals are occupied, this is a good time to check hair for balding spots, scratch itchy regions, tie shoes, or check voicemail. Do no, repeat, do not, use the middle urinal unless there is a line.

When entering a bathroom with several urinals (4 or more), and one of the end ones is in use, use a urinal no farther than 2 away for the occupied urinal, but never adjacent too it. Standing too far away communicates a fear of male genitalia, which can be construed as overcompensation for the appreciation of other men.

When using the urinal, do not speak to another man or begin a conversation. It is acceptable to continue a previously started conversation, but only if the other man continues it, and subjects are limited to sports, girls, evening plans, and food. If the other man lets the conversation drop, you are obligated to do the same until use of the urinal is concluded.

When using the urinal, keep your eyes on your own equipment or the wall immediately in front of you. Failure to comply will result in the loss of man status.

Upon completion of the urinal use, zip up at the urinal before turning to face anyone else. Previous conversations can re-start once the zip up procedure is completed. NOTE: if another man fails to zip up, it is NOT helpful to point out his mistake. Allow him to realize this on his own; do not make awkward comments or focus on the unzipped region.

Speaking is allowed if required, such as the circumstance of standing in line at a ball game and needing to communicate who is next. However, if possible, insert awkward head nods, grunts, and other non verbals wherever possible.

When using the sink, it acceptable to continue a conversation. Even here however, it is not the appropriate time to begin a conversation. You’re in the bathroom, why would you be talking?

 

That last one, why are you talking? That applies to all in the bathroom, including you creepy bathroom guy. There is no need for me to buy any of your shit, nor is there a need for you to soap my hands and pass me a towel. I am not a cripple and I sure as hell don’t want to talk to you. Oh, you want a tip too? Here’s a tip, get the fuck outta my way or I will beat your ass for being lame. Seriously, I am sure there is good money in working in a men’s room, but that’s like saying that you are homeless for the tax write offs… it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

To the owner if the establishment, if you have an attendant in the mens room, I will never return to your place of business again. I don’t care if they think it is Klassy in Jersey, it’s not and you should be shot for thinking so.

 

For the people that still don’t have a clue what I have written about, please watch the video below:

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JP goes Viral!

 

 

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Briefly interrupt your service

demotivational-poster-Motivation - Office Space

 

 

Few reasons why I have not been on in a while:

  1. Since I quit my job, they have given me a replacement to train. This means I have the “new guy” sitting next to me all day as I show him the ropes. This will go on until I leave. This means no blog, Twitter, or sexy G-Chat messages ya’ll are used to. I feel disconnected.
  2. I am still recovering from all the parties that have been thrown in my honor.
  3. I have been very distracted with some new things in my life.
  4. Getting ready to move has been a bit stressful.
  5. By the end of the day, I have nothing more to say, to anyone.

 

I have been tempted to do V-Log if I can figure it out. So, stay tuned and I will try to bring you a few stories from the past few weeks.

 

Thanks for dropping in,

JP

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The Tracksuit Mafia!

What do you get when 4 assholes dressed alike in tracksuits? That’s right, you get the #tracksuit mafia. An idea months in the making… I would have posted this yesterday, but there were issues.[1] Where do I begin? Well, I guess a good old fashion time line is in order.[2]

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The Tracksuit Mafia...

  • Made a trip to Chocolate bears house and picked up a bottle of Jack, Bushmills, Vodka, 2 Jagers, a Red Bull, and a pimp cup.
15341_1113326363627_1540956664_30247878_254193_n

Pimp Cup in Hand... Yes that went everywhere with us.

  • Back to the Honey Comb Hideout for an hour long pre-game.
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Chocolate Bear "thugged out" with Winston

  • Crew shows up and nick-names were picked. I was Micky 4 knuckles.[3]
  • The power hour concludes and we roll to our normal spot where we met up with some friends. Our bar tab was dutifully named “the guido’s” tab.
15341_1113314043319_1540956664_30247831_10949_n

Gotta love your "friends"

  • We did not pay for that tab… someone we met there did, cause they thought we were awesome.[4] Also, there were some really weird guys trying to convince Chocolate Bear he needed to fight in the MMA. It was weird.
15341_1113326283625_1540956664_30247876_6379367_n

Guy that picked up our tab

  • We decided we needed to go to the local strip club, because, well, where else do 4 guys in tracksuits go? On the way there, we were cut off by some drunk asshole that called the big guy a “nigger”. Now, usually there would have been violence in this situation[5] but there was a cop right next to us with some other drunk asshole pulled over. This set the tone for the rest of the night.
  • Hit the strip club hard! They were also having a costume contest, which we were convinced we would win… Not really, especially when strippers entered. Damn. We did get on stage and saunter around though. At is at this point where we decided to use fake accents, not on the strippers, but everyone else around us. When asked about my costume, I used the line “sorry, my English, no, so good”. I had several people yelling the same thing they originally said and I did not laugh, instead I went with, “oh, kusstume? Oh da, kusstume! Me gangsta…Bang..Bang, while making a gun from my fingers. It was classic, because they bought into my bullshit.
  • Rolled out of the strip club and this is where is gets a bit, um, fuzzy.
15341_1113329123696_1540956664_30247883_530398_n

These were the shots, but I have no idea where we were...

  • I think we might have stopped off for Jager shots, but I really can’t be certain it was that night. We did end up in a more upscale neighborhood and at this one bar/club where a lot of cougar hunting is done. I decided Jimbo needed to bag himself a couger. Though, every time we go there the bouncer gives us a hard time about the way we are dressed. I am all, “come on bro, tracksuits! You are required by law to let us in.” He did and he shouldn’t have. We walked in and the place was dead. Slammed a single drink and bailed. On the way out I said something to the effect of I hate you or wtf. The doorman just laughed at us. Rightfully so.
  • As we are rolling down the street going to meet up with our friend, a truck in front of us was screwing around and it pissed off Chocolate Bear (CB), so he honked the horn.[6] The guy in front of us got out of the truck and so did CB. Me, J, and Jimbo were still in the back watching, as CB can handle himself…except, 3 other dudes got out and approached. So, the 3 of us in the back got out and we were confronted by an entire family reunion. Seriously, 3 cars were behind us and 2 cars in the 7-11 parking lot, equallying 30 about 30 dudes to the 4 of us. By this point I had conceded that I was going to get punched in the face.[7] It was as if the gangs of New York was remade and everyone was wearing Fubu.
2002_gangs_of_new_york_014

Imagine this scene, only in Fubu.

  • Somehow, we managed to get out unscathed. There was people yelling 5-0 and it might have helped. Regardless, it was something that I never thought would happen. I am so glad nothing went down, cause that’s the kind of shit that ends up on the news.
  • We finally made it to our friend’s bar. I walked in and ordered a beer, only to be denied, because we got there right at two.
  • Things went fuzzy again and food was involved at some point. It was pretty rough.
  • Woke up to see a buffet from Krystals had been consumed and noticed several bottles of Jager empty along with 100’s of beer bottles. Insane.
  • Watched the Florida Gators kick the shit out of Georgia!
  • Started it all over again. My costume started out as the guy who was too hung over to make a costume, then I switched to being a “transformer.” I start out as a regular guy, then by the end of the night, I am a drunk asshole.
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Jimbo as Ashe

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Ahh, choices...To be good or to be bad.

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When you try to smoke celery, you know you have had too much to drink.

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Doing what he does best

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And I am done...

That is the story of this last weekend. Thank you…


[1] The issue was I was still hung over on Monday and it was vicious.

 

[2] Sorry, I really wanted to try something different, but I am too challenged today.

[3] Think Franky 4 fingers, but more Irish.

[4] Umm, cause we are awesome!

[5] All of us would have gotten out of the car and kicked his ass.

[6] Now, in most situations, the next series of events would have gone way different.

[7] I am pretty, but I can take a punch or two when needed.

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The New Cool Way to Date…#fail

With my newly found sense of adventure[1], I feel it would be a good time to branch out in other aspects in my life, particularly in the dating department. Over the past year I have met and dated several amazing women, women that given the right circumstances would have worked out brilliantly. Sadly, it was just not meant to be. School, distance, religion and various other factors have left these amazing and beautiful people just out of my reach.

I could be sad, upset, disillusioned and my usual curmudgeon self about this matter, but I am not. In fact I have a completely different take on the issue. I feel that by meeting and dating these women, I have slowly learned more of what I am looking for in life. They have shown me that I am doing something right with my life and they are the kind of people I want to surround my self with. Though, this newly found enlightenment does not change one simple fact… I am single.

My current situation may be familiar to you, the reader. New phase in life and coming to terms with what is important to one’s self. With all the stresses coming on, it would be nice to have a good distraction or two. In this assessment though, I need to figure out a few things in regards to the approach. I have never tried Internet dating and my only experience in the dating “scene” has been the traditional meet and greet or the out and about pick up. Both have worked very well for me in the past; however, being in a new city with such a diverse population, I feel I should give the Internet a fair shake.

Lets examine a few key sites and my understanding of how they work:

 

OKCupid: I guess it’s a free dating site? PQ tells me, “They work on a ‘matching’ system based on the answers you give to the questions. The more question’s you answer, the more they can ‘figure out’ your matches. But just fill out your profile and go looking for matches. It’s better if you go look at matches/girls you could be interested in vs. them coming to you.”

Plenty of Fish: This is a free dating site that resembles the traditional “bar” model of dating. You have a profile and a small “about me” section. Basically, you are trolling pictures for what you think is your best suited match.

Match: This is a paid site that works similarly to Plenty of Fish. My understanding is that it is a more upscale version of the dating pool; kind of like paying to get into the VIP section of a club.

Eharmony: From what my roommate has told me[2] it is a Christian based paid dating site. They have you fill out an enormously long survey about yourself and likes/dislikes. Then, they match you based on the standard deviation in their “dating equation.” It seems that this is a very serious site for people looking to “find the one.”

Now, I guess once I select a site or several, depending on how I feel, I create a profile that would best describe me. This is where the fine line of truth and bullshit get blurry. When I talk, the subtle nuances of my nature come out; however, with my writing, some times my sarcasm comes across cynical. I will need to work on this.

Then, there is the “I found someone and need to interact” portion of this event.[3] I would then have to send the girl a message with some clever headline or something that does not scream douche bag. Then, make some one-way casual conversation with them and hope they respond. If all goes well, the lines of communication slowly elevate until the meeting point.

At the meeting point is where I am fine. In social situations I thrive and love interaction. I am just not sure how this whole “game” works. What are the rules? How do I make my profile say what I want to express, without being a total narcissistic head case that I usually am? What is the best way to start the conversation without being a complete asshat?

For these these answers, I turn to you, my readers. Please, enlighten me, as I am new to this game…

 


[1] See I quit my job and moving ASAP

 

[2] She’s tried it

 

[3] I think of this as a Miss America Pageant. No, Miss Venezuela, cause that’s just one of the greatest things ever. God bless Telemundo!

 

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Musings of a Mad Man

Imagine if Hunter S. Thompson did win the election to be Sheriff, or Cobra Commander’s world domination plot succeeded and he overthrew G.I. Joe. What if Sleeping Beauty never got her kiss?

 

Why does the American ideal of “good” have to dominate our society so much? Why can’t Connor & Murphy McManus rid Boston of all the evil doer’s in their prescribed manner and not be shunned for their actions? Why is marijuana the scourge of American drug policy?

 

Think about it…

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¡Viva la Revolucion!

It wasn’t long ago when change was everywhere. Change that required hard work and great sacrfice on all that participated. Lives were lost and ideals were either proven or rejected. Regardless of the end result, these hearty men and women stopped talking and made shit happen. These days, we as a society are too weak to truly stage a revolution of the past, but instead we have our own personal struggles and strife. It is the assault on one’s personal identity and comfort zone that is this generations claim to independence. As much as I want this post to be a valiant profession of my internal struggle, it is really just a scared guy trying to sort it all out.

Revolution

On Friday, after I unloaded all the stress of my week onto print, I decided that my life needs to go in a new direction. The firm feeling that I am truly on my own, in all matters, boiled over and shook my core a bit. I have accepted that I am on my own and I will be in control of my success or failure. I had been holding off on all concrete plans about moving and starting school, all the while saying, “I am just not sure what I am doing yet.” That all changed on Friday afternoon. I rang the school that I was accepted to in the D.C. area and told them I will be attending class in January. BAM! Trigger pulled on grad school.

Toxic friendships, career futility, brazen alcohol abuse, and a reckless love life seemed like poor choices until I saw It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

On Sunday, I told both roommates that I would be out of the house and back into my apt in VA the weekend of Thanksgiving. I figure that I will hang out with the extended family before I go that way we all can spend time together before I am all broke. The problem with my moving plan is that I will be doing all of this a few days from my birthday (December 2) and of course a month before Christmas. Never said my timing was perfect, just doing what I can do.Today, I have handed in my formal resignation at work. I am giving them 5 weeks notice to get someone to fill my spot. Whether they fill it or not, its their issue. I am giving them ample time to get things off the ground. So, now that I have put this plan into motion (not really a plan, more like action) I have to do this. I do not have a job lined up where I am going and have never left a job without having another one lined up. I am freaking the hell out, but it is a calm and focused sort of energy.

Here is how this will go down:

  • Move the rest of my stuff to D.C. before my birthday.
  • Find  a job, any job, within the first week or two.
  • Start a full load (3 classes) the second week of January.

Here is what I am worried about:

  • Will have a trouble finding a job and will run into financial difficulty. Nothing like a 29 y/o male with no job to really attract the ladies.
  • Will be 29, broke, and really up a creek.
  • Will not be able to give christmas gifts to those I love. Christmas in my family is a huge event and it looks like I will be spending it alone. I don’t mind the lonely part, its the not being able to get anyone anything that really bothers me.
  • I could fail and fail hard.

Positives:

  • I am finally doing what I have been talking about for over a year. Maybe not the way I wanted to, but it is on.
  • I have the potential to succeed and do great.
  • There are people that support this decision and really don’t think it is too crazy.
  • I am advancing my education in a way I have always wanted and no one can take that from me.
  • I have done crazy shit before and come out on top.

So, I am going to see how it all plays out let it ride. I just keep telling myself one man’s genious is another man’s insanity.

39300905wax_20010808_06637.jpg

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Slightly Annoyed

***WARNING THIS IS VERY CYNICAL***

As I was driving to work today I got an email from the company I interviewed with last week. The one where I didn’t get any sleep and they changed the interview time; basically I was set up for failure because they didn’t have their shit together. They informed me that they will be going with another candidate. Essentially, I changed my vacation plans to be jerked around and wasted money and precious time. Hey1 thanks, I appreciate that, no really, thanks. Although, I did at least get the opportunity to go for it.

Moreover, there are other things in my life and people for that matter, that I really thought were different. I have known them for a while, yet I feel like I have been used. See being the nice guy some times2 will come back and blow up in your face. People often mistake kindness for weakness and will walk all over you. My roommate often tells me, “just put yourself out there and be nice to people. Let them know the real you.” The truth is I do put myself out there and I get burned a lot, but I continue to do it because each time I learn something new. People never surprise me and I am always cautiously paranoid, but have learned to keep quit and just ride out the storm.

With everything that has recently happened I feel I need to stop having faith in others.3 Time to go back to the old ways of JP. One, where I am the only one I can rely on and have blind faith in. A JP that takes big risks, but only for himself. I am tired, beaten down, but not broken. I have a goal in sight and I refuse to let things stand in my way. If people’s feelings get hurt along the way, consider this my formal apology, as there will be none given past this point.

Lesson learned on all fronts in my life.

Father,
you know where I have been and
you know what I have done
they say that you see everything
so you know I never hurt no one
What I have stolen won’t be missed
By those who had so much, so long
We’ll soon be laughing about this
They will never notice it is gone
I could bend the universe
It I can only get there first
There are some foolish fresh laid plans
My fate is firmly in your hands4

1Insert company name

2I really try to deny my asshole nature and go out of my way

3And being such a trusting sucker

4Devotchka “Undone”

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Sometimes the line becomes blurry between rocks and unicorns

And I am back. Wow! Just Wow. What an insane trip. I think the best way to break it down is start from the beginning…

Thursday

3:30pm- Woke up and started getting ready.

6:30pm- Picked up Justagirl and Gingermandy

7:00pm- Dinner with the girls and Chocolate bear, where we discussed and decided on going as Special Olympic Athletes for Halloween this year. Actually, it was a toss up between that and track suits. Any time I can wear a helmet and point to myself while saying “Ima numba one” while trying to order a drink, is tops in my book.

10:00pm- Hit the road for D.C. Girls and Winston slept while I cranked it up and with 2 sugar-free Red Bull and Ritalin1

Friday

9:15am- Walked into my apt in NOVA.2

10:00am- Finally laid down to get a few hours sleep before I had to be in MD for an interview.

10:05am- Received a call stating that my interviewer was sick and I had to get there before 2pm in order to lock this down.

11:00am- Was on the Orange line headed into town.

1:00pm- Walked into the interview and was presented with a Wonderlic Test.

1:12pm- Finished the test and went cross eyed and thought I saw a Care Bear across the street dancing with a band of gypsies.

1:15pm- Interview commenced. Tried to keep my head together as the Care Bear across the street was ripping his own head off. “With insomnia, nothing’s real. Everything’s far away, everything’s a copy.”3

2:00pm- Back on the bus headed back to NOVA, all the while this thought was ever present; “I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn’t screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I’d never see. I wanted to breathe smoke. “4

4:00pm- Walked into the Apt and felt like killing anything that moved suddenly.

4:15pm- Finally laid down for a nap. “If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”5

4:45pm- Was back up and at it. “Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction… “6 Yelled at my sister to get me a beer and “get dis bitch crackin”

5:00pm- Picked up What a Grand World from the bus stop, while taking out a curb in the Lincoln. Perfection.

5:15-8pm- I am unclear as to what happen during this time frame, but I know we did something. A little fuzzy. I know wings were involved because I remember the blood bath that was Just a Girl tearing up some wings. Like Woah.

8:10pm- On the train to Recessions. Just a Girl and Gingermandy were beating each other while What a Grand World was taking really creepy pictures of us.

9:00pm- Joined everyone at Recessions and the karaoke began. I do remember N’Sync was preformed by all the girls. That or I have been having some really fucked up dreams.

11:00pm- Headed back on the train, almost had to wreck some drunk asshole. It was a mess.7

12:30pm- After getting lost, we finally made it home.

Saturday

10:00am- Woke up and got the party started.

10:03am- Heard Gingermandy puking in the bathroom something fierce.

10:15-1:30- rehabbed the girls with some food and coffee.

2:00pm- PQ came by with Shine and picked up the girls to go shopping and get ready.

3:00pm- Went to Dogfish Head brew pub for the Florida vs. Arkansas game. May have drank a few beers?

Somewhere around the 3rd quarter of the game- The bartender changed the channel during a critical play. I may have8 politely asked the bartender to change it back9. At this point it was necessary for me to pay my tab and get the hell out, before I was politely asked to leave.10

7:00pm- Got ready for #pbandtuna

8:15pm- got to U street and wandered around all lost and shit. Good thing I ran into What a Grand World or I would have been screwed. There were even APB’s out on Twitter for my where abouts.

8:30pm- Finally made it to Stetson’s and rock out all night with:

12 Minds, A, Alice, anoukange, B, CavyCleveland’s A Plum, Deutlichdmb5_ libra, DMBosstone, Dysfunction Junction, f.Bflippy, Ginger Mandyjenniferalaine, JerzeyGrrlJP, Just A Girl, KassyK, Katertot, Katie RoseLate- Night Drama Queen, Lemmonex, Lusty Reader, M (Only One Way Down), Malnurtured SnayMarie, Maxie, Mr. 5280, Pithy Comments, PQ, Rachel Smiles, Restaurant Refugee, Shine Out Loud, Suburban Sweetheart, thebestmichelle, Urban Bohemian,and last but certainly not least, What A Grand World.

During this time I had a blast. Gifts were giving, booze was drank, and sombrero’s were worn. Insanely good party.

1ish am???- Made my way home.

Sunday

There really was no time line here, cause I was way too hungover to make it back to U street and join everyone for brunch. In fact we went and got a burger and a coffee. Watched movies all day and just relaxed. I was dying of death.

Monday

4:30am- Hit the road for Orlando. Bombed down a Red Bull and chased it with methylphenidate.

12:30pm- Renewed my hatred for the entire state of South Carolina.

4:30pm- Arrived by at the Honey Comb Hideout.

Tuesday

4:30am- Alarm came way too early.

5:30am- Dropped off Just a Girl at the airport.

6:00am- Went to Starbucks and found the 2 employees sitting outside with a gallon sized coffee mugs. I don’t know how they do it.

6:15am- Arrived at the office to find out I didn’t have my key to get in the building. Cursed the Baby Jesus and waited.

6:30am- Finally got in and cranked up some tunes. I am not really sure how people function this early, but I do like the freedom and personal space it allows for.

Anyways, I am totally waxed and have to recover from the helluva weekend that was done, so I leave you with this:

“Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think every thing you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler.”11

1Having ADD does have it’s advantages.

2I am a road trip assassin

3Fight Club (1999)

4Fight Club (1999)

5Fight Club (1999)

6Fight Club (1999)

7I was a mess. Totally wiped out.

8Fuck yeah I whistled really loud and said some shit

9Before I broke a foot off in his ass.

10Seriously, you should be shot if you try to change the Florida game. Stupid ass.

11Fight Club (1999)

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Its time to get down with the get down

Hello again. Sorry about getting all heavy with you last time, the struggle is still a foot, but I have a date in which I need to pull the trigger by. Hopefully that will be the catalyst to get my ass on track.

Anyways, I am here to talk about a celebration! A orgy union that will be taking place Downtown DC this Saturday… I will be there!!! Unlike last time. In fact I am rolling in Track Suit Mafia Style with our three hot pants girls. There will be pain and debauchery a plenty.

Well, let me hit rewind on this track for a hot second. The other day I suggested that Track Suits are the way to go for all occasions, yes, I was hungover when this statement was made. However, 12minds and I decided that it would be the best idea ever. Then last night, The above metioned mafia blew up my phone with their discussion about Saturday’s wardrobe. Yes, I am concerned 4 dudes were discussing “wardrobe” but hey, they are cool and I will let it slide. Here is how it started and some suggestions thrown out there were:

Francobeans: “I’m rocking a pleated cape, walking stick and Reebok pumps.”

Dmbosstone: “wait so wifebeater a no-go?”

Malnurtured Snay: “I’m going with jeans, shirt, tie, sweater vest. Oh yeah.”

12minds: “I’ve got a presentation before #pbandtuna so there’s a chance I’ll be bus-casual. Maybe pleated khakis just for @LexaLemmy?”

Francobeans: “Fellas, what if Halloween came early and we went as Color Me Badd?”

JustJpTweet: “So I just noticed that 4 guys @dmbosstone @francobeans @12minds @malnurturedsnay are discussing wardrobe for sat. WTF guys? @dmbosstone @DCPrincessQ Umm WTF? What is going on? Okay, for the record no pleats. I dig the CMB idea that was tossed out there, but still track suits and gold chains are tops in my book. Oh and sweater vests are NOT an option for Sat. Only gay football coaches wear them. I’m looking at you Jim Tressel! See what I mean: http://bit.ly/ZnCjM Trending topic #tracksuitmafia just putting that out there…”

I am rolling into my apt. Friday (god it feels good to go home finally) as I have some business to take care of Friday afternoon.  After this minorly stressful event, I will be out and about town doing it proper. If you are going to be around, you should drop in and say Hi! In fact I hear many people will be in town and I would love to catch up with everyone if I can. So, if you are in the area and want to know about Friday nights dinner plans or Saturdays adventure, shoot me an email at justjpblog [@] gmail (.) com or DM me JustJPTweet.

So hit me up and let me know what you are doing, cause when you roll with the Track Suit Mafia, you never know what may happen….

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Looking up

Thanks for the wonderful support and comments on my most recent psychosis. Truly, my decision is based purely on self betterment. Leave it to me to get all bent out of shape about good things happening. Blow up my house, lose my job, or girlfriend leaving, no sweat. I can deal. Make a choice on how to obtain a goal that has been just within my reach, you might as well tell me my dog died. It’s like what your parents would say to you when you broke something back in the day, “we just can’t have nice things!”

Moral of the story, is things will work themselves out and I just need to let it go. I am very thankful I have people cheering for me and especially thankful to have someone that cares enough to listen to my crazy and not judge. Good lookin’ y’all, good lookin!

For some reason the 3 songs below have been popping up in my IPod rotation quite a bit and eerily explains my life at this point:

Hilltop Hoods “Breathe”

In life, we struggle as individuals,
A fine line between a cliché saying and something original,
As if in death we left something residual,
Behind to mark our time up in this pitiful,
Existence and I’m a man of many issues,
If I ever dissed you, no disrespect I never wished to,
Hold a grudge the stress makes me act like this,
The day I get it off my chest I won’t write tracks like this,
But I’ll be bitter on them when all is done and is forgotten,
Cos it’s easier to sit and complain than fix the problem,
But the power of speech endowers our beliefs,
With sour defeats, man nothing is out of reach,
Got plenty to answer for, all do is answered back,
Done a thousand things I regret, apologize for none of that,
So you get back what you put in no regrets,
And keep on until they know your sweat, you only get.

Chorus
(We get)One chance, so I live for the moment,
I’m just one man what I wouldn’t give for this moment,
We got one world; still we take it in stride,
In this one life we stand still waiting to die,
(We get)One chance, so I live for the moment,
I’m just one man what I wouldn’t give for this moment,
We got one world; still we take it in stride,
In this one life we stand still waiting to die.
Now breathe in…

Now if life is what you make it it’s time to build,
Man I’m for real aint no telling what this life will yield,
I’m a career man, cos I career off any path,
That would lead me to a start of financial gains I’m scarred,
We learn from our mistakes, that makes me a scholar on,
Being a walking talking fuck up and a better man for being wrong,
I’m humble and loyal, my friendships are honored,
A mans success aint measured by the depths of his pocket,
I give good advice but never follow it, what’s left for me?
I’m a hypocrite and if I weren’t I’d be a success story,
View this wide world through a narrow gaze, these harrowed days,
Seen to many men end in a shallow grave,
I guess it’s better to have loved and to lost, than never stumbled across,
The gift of knowing you what ever the fucking cost,
To put it in perspective and under my vision,
This world is superficial; I’m done with others opinions.

Gnarles Barkley “Who Cares”

Basically I’m complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia
But I’ll be at least 2 people today

If that’s okay

And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?

It’s deep how you can be so shallow
And I’m afraid cause I have no fear
And I didn’t believe in magic
Until I watched you disappear

I wish you where here

And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?

You see, everybody is somebody
But nobody wants to be themselves
and If I ever wanted to understand me
I’ll have to talk to someone else

Cause every little bit helps

And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?

Feels like… the surreal life
But it’s still nice
Wish I could live twice
but I still might
if these bones heal right
I see a little light
though it’s still night

Feels like… surreal like
But its still nice
Wish I could live twice
but I still might
if these bones heal right
I see a little light
though it’s still night

Kruder and Dorfmeister “Bug Powder Dust”

I always hit the tape with the rough road styles
You heard the psychdelic and ya came from miles
Keep my rhymes thick like a Guinness brew
So you could call me black and tan when I’m a wreckin’ a crew
I’m like Bill Lee writing when he’s in Tangiers
And now I’m on a soul safari with my Beatnik peers
Analog reel and a little distortion
Smokin’ on somethin’ s’you could say I’m scorchin’
I never been the type to brag but beware
I’ll make a man burn his draft card like it was hair
Send ya up the river like you lookin’ for Kurtz
I got the mugwhump jism up in every verse

I always hit the apple when I’m going to shoot
So you can call me William Tell or Agent Cooper to boot
Mr. Mojo Risin’ on the case again
So tell your mother and your sister and your sister’s friends
Like an exterminator running low on dust
I’m bug powder itchin’ and I can’t be trust
Interzone trippin’ and I’m off to Annexia
I gotta get a typewriter that’s sexier
My name is Justin and that’s all that’s it
And I’ll be spittin’ rhymes wicked like it ain’t for this shit
Houses of the Holy like Jimmy Page
But the song remains the same so I’m stuck in a rage
Just like Jane when she’s going to Spain
I think I’m going away tomorrow, just a fool in the rain
Light up the candles and bless the room
I’m paranoid, snow blind, just a black meat fool

Never been a fake and I’m never phony
I got more flavour than a packet of macaroni
Rock drippin’ from my every vowel
I’ve got the soul of the sixties like Ginsberg’s Howl
Shootin’ mad ball and I’m always jukin’
Take you to the hole and I’m surely hoopin’
Top of the pops like the Lulu’s show
I’ll take a walk on Abbey Road with my shoes of soul
I got a splinter though, damn, you know man it hurt
I got a Vegemite sandwich from Men at Work
I keep minds in line, but time sublimes,
So when you search you find something like a gold mine
A psychadelic meanderings in the poem
I got a patter, patter anyplace that I roam
Waiting for the sun on a Spanish caravan
Solar eclipse and I’m feeling like starin’ man

Who’s that man in the windowpane
Got somethin’ on his tongue and it’s startin’ to stain
Sho’ nuff equip so wop n’get down
Step up on my ladder and you’ll get beat down
Hash bar style so I’m singin’ day glow
Wakin’ up the dead like Serpent and the Rainbow
Jeff Spicoli roll me another hay
The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh with Dr. J
Shockin’ your ass like a faulty vibrator
Hear me now, but you’ll probably get the vibe later
Who knows where the wicked wind blows
Que sera sera just leave it alone
Great space coaster toast up the town ?????
Makin’ midgets with my man Dr. Shrinker
Pass the hookah, throw down the pillows
Cloth on the ceiling, blow rings that billow
Kick off the shoes and relax your feet
Now roll up your sleeves for this lyrical treat

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Trippin in Babylon with a stumble, but not a fall…

Ever had one of those days when you wake up and your brain feels like lead and not due to a hangover? A day when all the thoughts of a week come crashing in on you? Where serious life choices are now at the forefront of the dome? That my friends is today for me. I feel twitchier than a meth head needing a fix and about as squirrely as a hooker waiting for their test results. Usually, I am pretty good about keeping my head together, but today I feel sorry for and apologize in advance to, all that talk to me. I do not make sense, yet I am methodical and calculating.

I have a massive decision to make and it needs to be made in the next few weeks. While stuck on the rock in the middle of the Caribbean, I about drove myself insane wrestling with this issue. Normally, I do not talk about my struggle with ADD nor do I even let it come up in conversation; however, today it has really taken the best of me. helpguide.org elequolently points out the main contention of this disorder, “while in children, hyperactivity is often displayed as constant squirming and moving, in adults it may be more of a constant feeling of restlessness and agitation. Extreme procrastination, disorganization, trouble making deadlines, and impulsive behavior is common. While most of us have challenges in these areas, someone with Adult ADD/ADHD has these problems constantly, in good times and in bad, and often to the despair of loved ones.”

They go on to say, “… there can also be positive traits associated with this condition. Impulsivity, boundless energy and the tendency to switch tracks constantly may manifest itself as creativity, flexibility, the ability to rapidly adapt to new information or tremendous drive and commitment. One trait common to ADD/ADHD is hyperfocus, the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else, which can lead to creative breakthroughs if harnessed.” The truth is endless in this statement! What they fail to mention is that your brain will become fixated and cycle in a loop, until you hav e driven yourself or everyone else crazy with the same thought process. This often makes for very awkward conversations.

I do have “the ability to focus intensely and exclusively on one specific problem to the exclusion of all else,” which is the soul root of my issue today. I cannot deviate from it. I haven’t slept in a few days and have been way off the reservation. I have briefly discussed this with someone I trust, but there is an underlying issue all in itself. I would never normally talk about this issue publicly, but for the sanity of others, I had to get it off my chest today.

If you do talk to me today and I seem a bit off or way too fucking intense, know it is not you. Know that I have to pull the trigger on something that scares the shit out of me and my struggle is a bit intense. For those reading this, the struggle is all positive, either thing I decide, it will still be a step in the right direction, maybe a bump in the road or two, but still on course.

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Filed under Life

Annnnnd I am back!

I finally returned from Denver and the islands. A special thanks goes out to justagirl for her hospitality and showing me around town. I really had a great time and look forward to hanging with her and gingermandy on the way to the #pbandtuna wedding event of the century. Two important notes: my welcome back from sobriety beer was Kona’s Wailua Wheat Ale and the best fried chicken I have ever, ever, had in my life was from White Fence Farm; their chicken, corn fritters, and black bean salad combined with the beer, would be my death row meal. Write that down.

Beer Fest was epic! Once you make it past the mile long line that weaves through town, you come to beer zion. To quote Matt, “its like heaven!” We hit what seemed like 100 booths during our 4 hour power session. A few that stand out are:

21st Amendment Brewing (watermelon)

Sam Adams (Utopia)

Alaskan Brewing Company (smoked Porter and White)

Odell’s (Bourbon Barrel Stout, 5 Barrel Pale ale, St. Lupulin Extra Pale Ale)

Oskar Blues Brewing (Old Chub)

Kona Brewing Company (Pipe Line Porter and Wailua Wheat Ale)

Great Divide (Saison)

Some home brewers that were coming out with some phenominal brews. I had one chili infused beer that just blew me away, it was spicy and refreshing.

Then, I blasted down to the islands for work. I have to say, every time I go down there, I never get a chance to do too much. I did catch up with some friends, but pretty much just bounced between being seriously bored and then working my ass off. It did give me time to think about a lot though. Not sure how I am going to take that just yet, lot of life questions to be answered.

I also want to give a huge thanks to my guest posters that took care of things for me while I was gone: Gingermandy, DCPrincess, DMBosstone, and Justagirl.

9 Comments

Filed under Travel

Foxy Fridays…With A Twist

Hey hey y’all, this is Just A Girl up in the hizzy! Oh dear god I’m white. When JP told me he needed guest bloggers while he’s out of town, I immediately called Friday. Why? Because I knew it was the perfect opportunity to take over the Gospel and do something for us girls. Instead of the normal (sexy) ladies showing off their art, I’m flipping it around and showing you some fellas with kickass tats.

OHH JP YOU CAN’T STOP ME NOW!

Ahem. Anyway, since I AM molesting his blog, I thought I’d better start with our host. I got a chance to check out his work in person, and pictures don’t do it justice. It’s gorgeous. Unfortunately the pic he sent of his leg came through super tiny (sad face!)  but the boy is covered so it’s not like there was a shortage.

This might be my favorite because LOOK AT THE PUPPY! Oh, and nice tat too.

This might be my favorite because LOOK AT THE PUPPY! Oh, and nice tat too.

The surfing skeletons. This explains JP's taste in (body & wall) art right here.

The surfing skeletons. This explains JP's taste in (body & wall) art right here. It also explains why we could never share a house.

Who's a pretty pretty princess?? Oh, and the girl's nice too. :)

Who's a pretty pretty princess?? Oh, and the girl's nice too. :)

All of my tattoos are plain old black, so I won’t lie, I’m totally jealous. Purty.

Now this next guy is my favorite and shut your faces if you don’t like dirty white boys. Courtni knows how I roll. Chris Andersen, call me?

This picture makes me drool, but his tattoos in this one sort of make me cringe. Thankfully he's invested in some MUCH better work.

This picture makes me drool, but his tattoos in this one sort of make me cringe. Thankfully he's invested in some MUCH better work.

The wings make me want to take off my pants and die. Also, duh, go Nuggets!

The wings make me want to take off my pants and die. Also, duh, go Nuggets! Not that I'm biased or anything.

For those of you who like a prettier white boy, here’s some David Beckham. (I tried to pretend like I wasn’t into him but I’m totally lying.)

Oh hi David Beckham. What's that? You're gorgeous? Yeah, we know...

Oh hi David Beckham. What's that? You're gorgeous? Yeah, we know...

Make out with your face? Well, if you insist...

Make out with your face? Well, if you insist...

My only problem is that his tattoos? Kiiinda boring. So no more pictures. Google that shit on your own time. This next one is for Maxie, even though I almost threw up a little. Don’t get me wrong, A Milli is my jam (do the kids still say that?) but…

I love Lil Weezy but his face? Jesus.

I love Lil Weezy but his face? Jesus.

So I totally wanted to put more pics on here, but, true story, all of a sudden my google image results were all full of penises. Tattooed penises, yes, but still limp, random junk and it was scary and I said “bluhhh” and shivered and closed google because for serious? The penis is not purty ESPECIALLY LIMP AND COVERED WITH A BETTY BOOP TATTOO. While I go scrub my eyeballs, tell me who I should have included or why Chris Andersen is awesome.

17 Comments

Filed under Foxy Friday, Tattoos

A Pop Culture Intelligence Briefing

Before I start I have to be upfront with something.

If you couldn’t tell I’m not JP. In fact I’m not even half the man JP is (I read his blog and I’ll easily concede that.)

My name is Patrick and I write a little diddy called The Definitive Dmbosstone. I am a fellow blogger who lives in the DC area and I’ve pretty much been blogging before it was called blogging.

However this is my first guest post, so besides not knowing what to write about, what to title it, and how to start it I think I’m doing good so far.

So I’m really honored and humbled that JP is trusting his online home with me today, so on with the show.

What show? I’ll tell you what show.

The_Soup_Celebs_800x600Two weekends ago I was up in Pittsburgh visiting my friends Melanie and Jim. While I was I up there I took in a baseball game, watched a football game, and discovered where all the undergrads go to party. I also watched a lot of TV- something I don’t get to do when I spend all day producing videos and stage managing shows.

Given the nature of my busy life, I often lose touch with what’s going on in the world of TV and Pop Culture. Until that is, I rediscovered The Soup. I used to remember when The Television recap show was called Talk Soup, but sitting on Melanie’s couch watching Joel McHale‘s humorous take on the latest in boob tube buzz was strangely cathartic. When we followed it up with Style’s knock-off show The Dish, I realized two things:

  1. Danielle Fishel is still totally hot.
  2. I wasn’t just watching TV, I was undergoing a Pop-Culture Intelligence Briefing.

Think about it, thanks to two shows that thrive on ripping the big buzz; I was getting caught up on what the big buzz actually was. After only an hour on the two half hour shows, I was all caught up on what I was missing when I’m not working or stage managing (which is pretty much all the time.) I also found it e1c291de254fc498_Dishso interesting how the two shows are clearly similar: snarky commentators, CGI backgrounds, and canned laughter. While it sounds like a recipe for a crappy show, I actually enjoyed the snarkiness.

So does that mean The Soup and The Dish are going to become must watch shows on my list? Unfortunately not, I’m still too busy to watch any television.

But I want to say that after watching Community the other day, I think The Soup isn’t that bad and if you watch The Soup, you might as well watch The Dish- it’s like getting a double dose of snarky commentary on reality television.

Because you want to make sure you get caught up on all your TV right? Why watch it when you can get all the highlights!

8 Comments

Filed under Non-Sense

My Poop Smells Like Poopourri

Well well well…Look who’s back…It’s me, the neurotic DCPrincess

Last time I was here, I was drooling all over Zooey Deschanel because she is absolutely amazing. But today, I want to talk to you about something else.

I just wish I knew what that something else was.

See, I get all excited when someone says they’re looking for guest posters, jump the gun and then when the time comes, I have shit to say!

That’s it.

Let’s talk about shit! (Lexa, you might wanna skip this one)

See, I just spent 5 minutes of my life talking about pooping with the two sexy bitches I live with…and I think C is going to steal my pooping pose*. I’ll cut her if she does!

*ahem*

Speaking of my roomies, when I moved to this house, I discovered something AMAZING. You should definitely use it for your stinkiest poops**!

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

Spritz the bowl before you go...and no one else will know! (OK, this is SUCH a lie...)

So…poop. I’m sorry but does anyone else love taking a shit as much as I do?

Is that not the sexiest sentence you’ve ever read***?

I could end the blog here and let the shit hit the fan.

Why are women so afraid of pooping? Or talking about pooping?  Also, am I the only one that likes to take magazines/books into the bathroom when I know I’ll be there a while? (I meant the ladies…We know guys like that). At my parents’ place, I used to have magazines and books stacked up in the bathroom closet just for that purpose.

Sometimes though, I forget that the poop is done and just sit there on the toilet reading. What?! The books I read are GOOD! I forget about my butt sometimes…though I’m not sure how because it is HUGE.

The worst though? It’s the period poop.  Come on ladies…You know what I’m talking about…You have those awful cramps, the pain killers aren’t doing anything and you know the only way you can get a tad bit relief is by pooping. It’s painful, it’s frustrating and it sometimes ends up being the ‘ghost poop’ but it is oh so glorious.

Speaking of which, my cramps are getting worse…Oh, I should go before I fart in here and stink up JP’s home for the next guest.

*I may demonstrate at LiLu & Maxie‘s wedding if I’m persuaded (re: drunk) enough.

**From their FAQ on the site:
Q: What about the gas that escapes?
A: While the product works great at eliminating bathroom odors, it is designed to trap and neutralize odors IN the toilet. If you experience residual smells due to gas, we suggest you spray Poo~Pourri lightly in the air after using the restroom. Be careful, oil overspray may cause slippery surfaces or damage to materials.
Q: What about floating waste matter?
A: By the way, this is the most commonly asked question by guys (go figure). Yes, it works great on floaters because as they penetrate the film they are coated. When they surface they are encapsulated with Poo~Pourri eliminating potential bathroom odors. No need to worry. (Heh, they said penetrate)

***Try not to faint from my sexiness guys. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

12 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Beauty is in the eye of… the creeper.

Hey kids of the JP Gospel! GingerMandy here… I’m the first of the week to terrorize JP’s space while he’s gone wherever the hell he is, so I hope I don’t let you guys down. It’s kinda nice over here actually… I’ll just make my way to the fridge and plop down on the couch. We all know he’s got good beer and this cheapass better have Cinemax…

And hey, note to my readers — be polite… take off your shoes. This is a safe place. And don’t shit on the floor. I don’t need you making me look bad.

Anypoop, I’m going to talk today about dating. Internet dating. We all do it… I don’t think there’s very many single 20something bloggers out there that have never tried the internet dating thing. We’re all kind of in our little bubble that makes us hate the regular sheep of society (OK maybe just me) so we rely on the internet to not only spill our thoughts, but hopefully find a partner. Whatever that partner is for may differ, but we’re all doing it.

I wrote awhile ago how I made a dating profile, and would occasionally discuss my interesting experiences, starting with the guy who drunk dialed me before we even had a date, the one that signed all his text messages Batman, and a few others. I guess when I think about it they haven’t been that bad… just… weird. Well, I got a little tired of the same stupid messages from the same idiots that don’t even bother to read your profile that clearly says “if you just say ‘hi how are you’ I probably won’t respond, so try to make your message somewhat creative and put a little effort into it,” and then send you a message saying “hi how are you today,” so I deleted it.

Then I realized I had no blogging material, so I made another one.

Yesterday I received this message:

…i could paint you ..yes i am an artist…i think i would enjoy your spirited values ……and wow ..i am older ..52..single and free..so perhaps sometime soon after we talk …we could hang out for a day……my self …i seek a friend ..a passionate young lover …a companion….a muse………may i ask ..do you paint or draw …since you like or have an interest in art…??..or would you like to learn..??..i hope that this will interest you ….please do send a reply… i would take it as an honor to paint you someday…..

……………………………..sincerely…..robert

First of all, holy ellipsis. Secondly, umm I don’t have a secondly, I just can’t get over the ellipsis. I’d love to have a conversation with this guy though, “Hi Mandyyyyyyyyy *5 second pause* Can I paint youuuuuuuuu *13 second pause* and so on. I bet he’s got a killer blank stare, too. HOT. Where do I sign up?

I couldn’t ignore this, so this is what I responded.

Hey there! So you want to paint me, huh? When you say paint me, do you mean paint a picture of me, or paint my body? Like painting clothes on me?

And this is what I got:

mandy…… of course i ment paint a picture of you………… i am a water color artist …………… let me question this have you been nude for an artist before….??….. it takes a strong women and open minded but you are too beautiful and could do this for me….?… it would be of a great honor… please let me know…… i would love to pose you and create an art of the work that is your body……………………. thank you……..

……………….robert

The “work that is my body.” It is work stuffing it with pop tarts and beer and mini bar burgers, I’m glad someone can appreciate it. This is my kind of art! So I responded with this:

No I have not been nude for an artist before, but let me ask you this…. if you paint me naked, are you going to include my stretch marks and scars? Or can you leave those out? I’d also like you to add some tattoos to the painting of me. I’d like a few more eventually and this would be a good place to experiment. Right?

No response.

Bummer, dude…. I was really hoping for a false nude photo of myself to put up on my dating profile. He could have helped my game.

So who wants to paint this ass?

14 Comments

Filed under Non-Sense

Peace to the East!

What up Beeetches!

I was going to write about an idea1 I had about creating an urban drug Olympics, where you would take users of things such as meth, crack, pcp, and smack, and pit them against each other in competition. Think Cops2, just more creative and an awards ceremony at the end; nothing amazes me more than a tweaker running from the cops.

Although the Junkie Olympics3 will not fully be discussed here today, something more important will be.

NA, NA, NAH, NA, NA I am going to Beer Fest!

Yes, my name is JP and I am five. If you have been reading for a while you may know I have been brewing my own beer for about 7-8 years and I keep getting better with ages.4 I have always heard about the Great American Beer Fest in Colorado, and have always wanted to go. I realize they charge too much and the cup they give you is pretty small, but you are also talking to the guy who drank Kona Brewing Company’s Pipeline Porter dry at the NOVA Brew Fest and got totally hammered with brass in the State Department; I love my friends.

Its not about the price or the size of your glass5 it is the Fest itself. To wander the isles checking out new and upcoming breweries or the old guard. The entire festival is broken into regions, so of course I have my plan of attack all mapped out. I am going to destroy the Pacific and Rocky Mountain sections, as we in the East, rarely get the chance to check them out. Don’t get me wrong, the East has many of my favorites, but the West is like the rare tuna you can only get at the pricey sushi joint you have always wanted to go to.

Anyways, my point is I am really excited about trying new things and having a well deserved good time. Next week I have some pretty awesome guests stopping by to season your melon with goodness. So, at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, I will be taking off to end my 35 days of sobriety and hopefully starting a new or at least different chapter in the Gospel of JP.

1Like all good ideas this one came to me while dropping a deuce the other day.

2I know you have watched. We all have watched at some point in our life.

3Its mine. You can borrow, but don’t steal.

4Can someone remind me to bottle the Saison I have fermenting in DC while I am there please?

5You totally were expecting me to reference my penis, I know.

11 Comments

Filed under Travel

Check it

I have been reformatting some things around the Gospel lately. Check out the newly added “People I Read” page and discover some other bloggers that you may find interesting. If you are not on there and think you should be, Holla at me Shawty!

Deuces Beetches!!!

10 Comments

Filed under Friends

Come on, go for the extra point!

If you follow me on Twitter you know bits of the story,so here is last night all rolled up:

Most weekdays I enjoy a nice ride on my bike. I typically do about 10 miles on several pre-planned course through the town. Yesterday was no exception, although I got a wild hair and decided to go for the long 17 miler. I have done it many times and really enjoy it. Seeing how I will be out of town I figured, why not go for it. Well, this is why:

  1. I cannot find the mouth piece to my camel back system, meaning no hydration.

  2. The head winds last night were like 15-20 mph and a total pain.

  3. It was still 90 degrees outside.

So, I headed out because, well, lets just say a clean system, bored mind, and lack of sex, can lead any man to do stupid things. I am no exception. Everything was going fine until…

  1. I was on mile 13 and can flying around a corner, power sliding around it, and popped my back tire. The slide was wicked awesome and I should have gotten a high five for it. Like in the movies kind of power slide, where you think the dude is going to wipe out, but totally doesn’t.

  2. With the tire completely flat I was 4 miles from the house and decided to just suck it up and walk it off. Well, if you ever have rode long distances on a bike, you know your legs are like a combination of Goodyear and Elmers. As you walk, you notice your legs are all wobbly and your are moving at a snails pace.

  3. Not kidding, took me like 30 minutes to walk home bike in tow. Pain in the ass.

  4. Get to my front door, turn the handle, FAIL! My roommate locked the door as he left. So, there I was, bike, sweat, dry mouth, and a locked up house. What did I do? Of course I threw my bike and said everything the U.S. Navy had ever taught me.1 My neighbor, who does not speak English (who is very hot btw) is just starring at me. I wave and say, “hola” and she waves back.

  5. Find a knife in my car and proceed to use the skills I acquired back in high school.2 Got in and guzzled a gallon of water.3

So, as I processed all of what had happened over the past hour or so, I decided I was too tired to be pissed. Seriously, I felt defeated.. Like Jonathan Phillips punted my goods for the extra point. I did text my roommate and tell him about the events and that basically he was a dick, but I wasn’t mad, but I should be. Oh well, I will make him drive me to the airport at 5:30 am on Friday as retribution.

1No, I was not in the Navy, but I would assume they have a very descriptive vocabulary for the profane.

2I went to a very ghetto public school. I learned how to break into houses and cars in my shop class courtesy of my class mates. Good skill to have when you lock yourself out.

3I really wanted a beer and a cigarette at this point though.

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Filed under Uncategorized

I got friends in low places… whores.

My friends never cease to amaze me. We all lead very different lives and typically hang out on the weekend, due to our messed up schedules. Well, I thought that my not drinking would possible alienate my friends, as we all go out together. Come to find out we are friends, because a real connection. We bust balls and talk shit, but thats how we show love. I have made it exactly 30 days with no alcohol being consumed.

I thought that it would have been harder than it has been, but really, its been very mellow. The above mentioned friends have been very supportive. Although Saturday, my friend brought over roughly 40 cases of beer (I am not kidding) the entire fridge (see below) was full on every shelf and drawer. So much beer that Chocolate Bear had to take half home with him. Speaking of CB, he kept pushing beer on me during the game, I love that guy. Ass.

The man cave is now complete

The man cave is now complete

Though, a very special mention goes to Justagirl as she has been on the same plan as I. Her supportive words and threats of violence have kept me on track in this little adventure. Texting each other complaining that we want a beer or dear lord Baby Jesus, the Russian Standard bottle is talking shit and calling me a pussy again. She was there in a metaphysical sense to keep me in line. For that, I am grateful. On Friday, I will be joining her for our first beer in 35 days then tackling the Great American Beer Festival in Denver; one I thought I would never have the opportunity to go to. Lets just say, all around I am wicked pumped.

So, Friday I bail out for beer fest then jam down to the islands for a week. Next week a few special guests will be popping in and filling the void. Before I embark on this small adventure I would also like to thank my readers. Those that left positive comments or the occasional, “dude, whats wrong with you?” I totally appreciate your support as well. Just another small accomplishment that reinforces that I can do anything I set out to do. Cocky? Yes. Point proven to myself… Priceless.

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Filed under Friends

You took the jam outta my doughnut!

As I drove into work this morning, I noticed something disturbing. In fact I have noticed this for quite some time, this morning it was just more focal. I am sure it had nothing to do with me stuck in traffic for 45 minutes or anything1, at all. I was starring at a really large SUV with the following items stuck to the back window and body:

  1. A sticker that depicted a boy playing baseball and the name Michael underneath.

  2. A sticker that depicted a girl in with pom-poms and the name Summer underneath.2

  3. A sticker that depicted 2 adult stick figures (male and female), 2 smaller stick figures all holding hands, and a picture of a dog and a cat.3

  4. Multiple “ribbons” for the Navy, God Bless America, and some other one I could not readily make out.

  5. 3 bumper stickers: 1 about how gay their honor student is, 1 about staying off drugs, and 1 about saving the enviroment.

This was all on the back of 1 vehicle. Now, I came to several conclusions about what I saw this morning, but the biggest one being: Mother EFF you! I do not care about all the aspects of your family. Obviously, you lead a very sheltered middle class life and it is everything I loathe about the present state of our fine country. You are probably the type of person that would ask me upon meeting me, “so, what do you do?” Yeah, the entire thing is out of control and here is why:

  1. Something makes me think that your son will not be a professional baseball player. In fact, if he makes it to college, it would be a miracle. I highly suggest not driving by a Catholic Church any time soon with the blatant advertisement that you have a young impressionable son. Yes, that is what that sticker says; Chris Hanson would give you the same lecture. Could you imagine if he wrestled? Yeah…

  2. Wow, basically you are telling the world that your daughter is a future member of the FHA.4 There are at least 100 college freshmen ready to thank you for the good time they will have with her at the frat house. Yes, in this case she makes it to college, only to develop a really bad and expensive coke habit. She would later meet a nice guy who has a soft spot for reformed hookers, they will have 3 kids and later he will leave her for some other cheap piece of ass.5

  3. This one is pretty self explanatory. Who gives a shit? Seriously, wow, you and your partner have 2 fuck trophies6 and some stray animals along the way. I mean where is the creativity. If I was a hitman and had a contract out on these people, it would be too easy, plus I’d probably do it for free.

  4. There are only 2 acceptable7 types of magnetic ribbons: The yellow for the troops and the Pink for the “save the ta-ta’s”. These 2 are compatible, because lets face it the troops need our support and who doesn’t like boobs? The troops like boobs, so you should support both.

  5. Lets break this down piece by piece: Chances that your honor student stays that way, 1 in 5 and them’s is Vegas adds. Say no to drugs? Tell that to your daughter as she does a line off the make-up table8 back stage while the stage mom yells at her to get her skank ass on stage. Finally, you drive an SUV and concerned with the environment? Listen, I drive a town car and yell at little kids, it fits me. You are driving a suburban assault vehicle say’s “I am a massive hypocritical dick-knuckle.” Nouf said.

All in all, I support individual expression. Hell, even the really obnoxious Dolphins fans that cover their car in blue and orange. I get that. But this commercialized family image has me very lost. Hell, how can you support the modern family these days, I mean you can’t even beat your kids with a belt anymore. Please don’t even get me started about the over consumption of the “causes”! I am glad you support a cause, but the money you spent on that ribbon is probably never going to see that charity. Paulo at the flea market thanks you for your support.

I am not bitter9. I just want people to realize that there are some of us out there that would rather put the time and energy into the causes, rather than provide “fake help”10. Well, back to yelling at little kids and harassing the elderly.

1I really hate my current location with the passion of baby Christ, yanno before the Jew’s got all itchy with the crucifix.

2 Let your daughter pick her own stripper name, duh.

3How awesome would it be to see 2 male stick figures. That would mess up the Christian Collation.

4FHA- Future Ho’s of America

5Truly the American dream

6Fuck Trophy- Kids, but no one really wins in this situation

7Actually there are 3. The 3rd is support strippers. Come on single moms need support too!

8Or the preferred method of doing a line off another strippers ass… I have said too much.

9Fuck that I am really bitter about sitting in traffic this morning.

10Where one say’s they will help, but never do anything productive, yet still take credit for the work done.

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Filed under Non-Sense

Music for a Monday

With all the discussion on Twitter (are you following justjptweet) about the VMA’s (I have not seen an actual video in years on that channel) I feel compelled to discuss some music. I really hate some of the commercialized music out there these days. I mean, Lady GaGa, what the fuck kind of name is that? Kanye West, is and always will be a whiny bitch. What happened to bands like Nirvana and artists like 2-pac and Biggie? Story tellers that had a sense that music was to be created and expressed, not just soullessly generated.

I am not a music snob by any measure, like my beer choices, it all depends on my mood. I used to say I only liked one type of music, but that was ignorant of me. From old country crooners to hard-core in another language, I like at all. So, below are some different artists that are a little off the grid, but are in heavy rotation on the ye ‘ol IPod. Check them out (all are safe for work). Also, let me know if there are any artists you feel I should chack out.

Rock en Espanol:

Molotov

Puya

Blues:

The Black Keys

R. L. Burnside

Samuel L. Jackson covering a R.L. Burnside classic

Folk/Indy:

Ray LaMontagne

Citizen Cope

Reggae:

Alborosie

10 Ft. Ganja Plant

Hip-Hop:

Hilltop Hoods

Rockabilly:

Tiger Army

Nekromantix

Reverend Horton Heat

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Filed under Weekend Re-cap

This girl will leave you in suspense…

I would like to welcome you to Foxy Friday! Foxy Fridays features female artists, tattooed females, or women that are sexy, intriguing, and artistic in their own right. Going on the principle that ink and art is sexy and vastly becoming a societal norm, rather than counter culture. These individuals hold both traditional and non-traditional roles in our culture and they need to be celebrated for their overall beauty. Plus, who doesn’t like seeing hot women on Friday’s?

Today The Gospel brings you my friend Crash:

Photo courtesy of Hellophoto.net

Photo courtesy of Hellophoto.net

JP: Explain a little bit about what a suspension artist does? How did you become involved in this art form?

Crash: A suspension performer can mean something different to allot of people. In general it is someone who uses this as a means of entertainment, and adding their own interpretation of the art. Each has their own idea, or thought process. I just like to be half naked, bloody, and entertaining people! I LOVE IT!  I started doing suspension in 06. I have been around the industry for some time, and had friends that were already involved in the industry. I finally had the desire to experience it, and fell in love! Shortly there after I realized I had found something that I had a real passion for. Before I knew it I was doing shows, and couldn’t get enough!

JP: What kind of reaction do you get when you tell people that you are a suspension artist?

Crash: Depends on who you tell! ;) Normally, “What in the hell is that? Weird! Why would you do that to your self?”

Photo Courtesy of MichelleK

Photo Courtesy of MichelleK

JP: How does it feel to be an “alt-artist” and exhibit your body in the realm of modeling?

Crash: I just consider my self an artist! Not alt, goth, fetish, or an other sort of classification. Not that it is a bad thing, I just enjoy being able to get my hands in all of it! It’s all about pushing yourself, and growing as an artist. I’m a total voyeur, so modeling is the best place to do it! Right? :)

JP: My understanding is that you have been featured on godsgirls.com and several tattoo magazines. What is it like to be a strong, beautiful, tattooed woman and display your art?

Crash: Yes, you can find me all over! Magazines, featured sites, books, magazines, tattoo conventions, and fetish events! Come play! What is it like? It’s like living out all your dirty little fantasies every day!”

Photo courtesy of the dallasobserver.com

Photo courtesy of the dallasobserver.com

JP: How does your art and your daily life coincide? Would anyone know what you did if you did not tell them?

Crash: I have been around the industry for some time, and had friends that were already involved in the industry. I finally had the desire to experience it, and fell in love! Shortly there after I realized I had found something that I had a real passion for. Before I knew it I was doing shows, and couldn’t get enough. And no, I don’t think any one would have any idea of what I do! It isn’t a job where you can look at someone, and say, “hey, she hangs from hooks!”  Most people are surprised by what I do!”

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Photo courtesy of Metal Disco Photography

JP: If there are any misconceptions in what you do, what would you clear up?

Crash: People are always open to ask questions and come up with their own interpretation. Generally, people assume I’m associated with drugs in some sort of way, or that I’m wasted when I perform. Actually, it is the exact opposite. I want to be as clear headed as possible! The adrenaline is the high!

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Photo courtesy of Hellophoto.net

JP: If you weren’t modeling and doing suspension, what else would you be doing?

Crash: Be a very sad, sad girl!

Wanna see more of Crash? Check her out at the following venues:

Sept 15-20th Minneapolis, MN for the tattoo convention

Sept. 29th to Oct. 6th The Biggest Tattoo Show in the World at Mandalay Bay  Las Vegas, NV

October 31st Las Vegas Fetish and Fantasy

Jan. 10 Baltimore, MD Tattooed Kingpin

Feb. 10 Philadelphia, PA Tattooed Kingpin

Safe Websites:

http://profile.myspace.com/crashofgg

http://twitter.com/_CRASH_GG

Not Safe For Work Websites:

http://www.modelmayhem.com/604197

http://www.godsgirls.com/girls/Crash

Are you a beautiful woman that may not be considered “typical” housewife material? Do you enjoy the spicer things in life? Then you may be a Fox! If you or someone you know would like to be featured on Foxy Friday, please contact JP, live and direct at justjpblog (at) gmail (dot) com for more details. You can also follow me on Twitter @justjptweet Do it, Doo it.

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So, don’t trust a sheep farmer, my sister, or me!

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

So I have told you about the Sheep Farmer incident and the time my Sister totally punked me, well please don’t think that I am innocent.

A few years ago my Sister and I were hanging out with her roommate (and my friend) Mark, when she got a call about Lesbo-A-Go-Go, at the local gay bar. She pitched the idea to Mark and I about seeing girls stripping and getting down with other girls. Of course Mark and I were in. Loaded up the grocery getter and cruised on down to the club.

Upon our arrival I was introduced to an acquaintance of my Sister’s and steadily found out she was a switch hitter. At the door I was standing next to Mark and leaned over and said, “I’ve never been to a gay bar before. I am not sure what to expect.” Being the good friend I am, I told him, “dude, you are my boyfriend for the night. That way no guys will mess with you and it will be cool. Now, quit being a pussy and hold my hand when we walk in to play this off.” So, of course, Mark grabs my hand and we walk up to the bouncer. Bouncer say’s, “oh you guys need to stop right now. Everyone in the place can see you two are straight.” This gave Mark much confidence.

We walk in and there was a lot going on. I grabbed the girl I had just met and made my way to the bar, meanwhile Mark, my Sister, and various other friends got tables for the drag show. The girl and I come back with drinks for all and we start flirting and randomly making out. It was pretty cool, though her ex was there and was not pleased a pole had invaded her space. Anyways, Mark, the girl and I were standing with our backs to the last row of high top tables. Seated behind us, 5 very sharply dressed guys, obviously out for a good time.

The girl sits down and starts talking to our friends and I hear behind me the 5 guys discussing Mark’s ass. I leaned over to the girl and said, “if you want to see something funny, what happens after I talk to these guys.” I walked over to the table, introduced myself, and explained that I had over heard their conversation regarding the status of Mark’s ass. I went on to tell them that he is a close friend and he is very shy, if they wanted him to lighten up, he would need a few shots. They agreed.

Queue several trays of shots. I grabbed Mark and whispered, “dude, just go with me on this.” Now, if someone told me this, I would instantly question their motives. Not good ‘ol trusting Mark. He jumped in head first. I introduced Mark to the guys and we engaged in a psudo-flirting conversation. Went through 3 Patron shots and a fist full of whiskey, I decided that we were about to cross a threshold that no straight guy should cross. Girls, you know what I am talking about, the put up or shut up threshold.

We were all good and buzzed maybe slightly tanked. I looked at Mark, looked at my watch, and said, “hey Mark, what time is your girlfriend coming up bro?” Instant crickets. The guys looked at us and asked, “you guys are straight?” as if it wasn’t apparent. Well, maybe not apparent about Mark, but come on. I pulled what every guy has had happen to them: I thanked the group for the drinks, old them they were nice and that we enjoyed their company; however we need to get back to our friends. Bam! That. Just. Happened.

That is how I basically auctioned used my friends ass to get us (good) free drinks in the gay bar.

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5 things you didn’t know

I found it interesting while talking to my roommate a while ago, when she said that I don’t show my “other side.” At least the side she knows anyways. So, I thought it would be nice to share 5 things about myself, that my readers probably didn’t know. Also, I wanted to give my readers a chance to ask me anything in the comment section below. So, here goes:

  1. I am a registered Republican. More towards fiscal standards and less government interference.
  2. I have surfed 8 Category (Cat) 3 or better hurricane swells.
  3. When I was 6 years old, I won 1st place in a beauty contest. My “speech” was on how awesome the Thundercats are.
  4. I have had 9 concussions, 17 broken bones, countless stitches, meniscus repair on my right knee, and had 2 eternal fixator pins in my right elbow due to a compound humeral and ulna head fracture. All of which stem from some sort of outdoor or “extreme” sports. I just call it stupidity.
  5. If I could do anything, I would earn my Ph.D. and teach part time in a communications theory or post-modern theory arena. Also, I would open my own gastro-pub/hotel situated between some vineyards in Northern Cali. I would then get to do the 3 things I love; teach, entertain, and cook. That would truly make me happy.

So, what would you like to know about JP?

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Sticking with it

Thanks for all the supportive words last week about my detox program. I am proud to report that I am still booze free and today I start the second leg of the program. I am dropping all fast food, processed foods, and basically anything that doesn’t occur naturally. Now, this may prove to be the toughest part of the process, but I think I will do fine. So, here is a short re-cap of last weeks happenings:

  • Almost fell off my plan a few times. 1) A co-worker invited me to lunch for a slice and a pint. I declined after thinking about it. 2) My boss wanted to have drinks after work. Thank god my other co-workers have given up booze and have gone veg. 3) My friend, a bartender, it was his last night before moving to NY. I had to say I was out of town.
  • I saw Inglorious Basterds and it was everything a movie should be! Great plot, storyline, dialogue, and a really good ending. Just enough comedy and suspense to keep you in your seat for almost 3 hours. Really, I had no idea it was that long until I walked out. Go see it.
  • For some reason I cannot get the Clarence Greenwood song “Sideways” out of my head.
  • Still have not heard about the job I interviewed for, but have made the decision that if I do not hear from them this week, I am buying my plane tickets to Beer Fest and the Islands. I am totally going to Beer Fest, just need to sort out which airport to leave out of. The Islands is a current work related thing, so I need to slow my roll on that one.
  • A good friend of mine has helped me acquire about 30 G’s of music, so I will have some new reviews coming up on that front.

As you can see not too much going on, but hopefully things will pick up soon. Don’t forget that Foxy Friday is in full swing and if you or someone you know would like to be featured, contact JP at justjpblog (at) gmail (dot) com. Also, you can follow me on Twitter @justjptweet.

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Luck of the Irish

I would like to welcome you to Foxy Friday! Foxy Fridays features female artists, tattooed females, or women that are sexy, intriguing, and artistic in their own right. Going on the principle that ink and art is sexy and vastly becoming a societal norm, rather than counter culture. These individuals hold both traditional and non-traditional roles in our culture and they need to be celebrated for their overall beauty. Plus, who doesn’t like seeing hot women on Friday’s?

Today The Gospel brings you Jeney from Shamrock-On:

Upon first impression, I am probably not someone you think would need to take off a sock to count all her tattoos.  Hell, I’m not even the kind of girl who jumps into a long-winded explanation when any Tom, Dick, or Harry asks me about them. My answers are typically simple and vague. This is because the ink that adorns my body is exactly that – mine. Although each piece has been inspired by important individuals and instances in my life and they were all designed and put there by someone else; the artwork and the stories that put them there belong to me

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Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of my ink and I don’t keep them a secret.  I just feel as if my tattoos are like scars – I’m not going to flash them to everyone I meet, but if you ask to see it or want the story behind it, I’ll tell you.

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That is what is so beautiful about body art and body modification to me. Every piercing, tattoo, and implant has a story attached to it that is as unique as the person it belongs to. Each inch of colored skin on my body is just as sacred as each scar, birthmark, or unblemished piece – because it all belongs to me and me alone.  From the tiny Libra symbol on my wrist to the shooting stars that line my ribcage, it is all a part of the glorious and wonderful person that is Jeney.

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I don’t think I will ever stop adding to my collection. I have so many plans to expand on pieces I have now as well as for whole new pieces. As a person I am always changing and growing – I expect the same of my body. After all, I’m never getting out of life alive, right? I might as well enjoy this body while I still can – live hard, and rock on!

Want to learn more about Jeney and her ink? She does a feature Tattoos-days where she showcases one piece that she has every Tuesday. Also, you can follow her on twitter at Jeneypeney.

Are you a beautiful woman that may not be considered “typical” housewife material? Do you enjoy the spicer things in life? Then you may be a Fox! If you or someone you know would like to be featured on Foxy Friday, please contact JP, live and direct at justjpblog (at) gmail (dot) com for more details. You can also follow me on Twitter @justjptweet Do it, Doo it.

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Don’t trust a sheep farmer or my Sister for that matter.

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

I told you last week about the incident with the sheep farmer and how he shouldn’t trusted. Well, actually, its my Sister that really shouldn’t be trusted. I had just returned from Australia and was in DC for New Years eve 2006/2007. We decided that we should go to Dupont Circle1 and hangout at one of the bars there. Well, before we went out, I wanted to get a new shirt and tie, just to keep it on the klassy. Went to a store called Pink, found a very nice shirt, and was talked into a pink color tie. We pre-gamed a good amount and I should have known things would go down hill from here.

Getting dressed to go out I was convinced by my sister and her roommate that I should wear the new shirt and tie I just purchased. I was in, cause I looked good; Blue dress shirt with white French cuffs, black pants, nice shoes, and a pink tie. We headed out into the depths of the Circle to find “our” bar. Insanity, bars were charging like $50.00 just to get in and there was nothing special about these places. So, my Sister pipes up and says, I know this place in Adam’s Morgan2, not knowing any better, I was of course, in.

We got into a cab and quickly discovered that the cabby was either drunk or just plain mental. As we get in, he notices Jen’s gigantic tits3 and we were off on a ride to Adam’s Morgan. The cabby made inappropriate, yet funny comments about my Sister and Jen, and was all “I love the lesbians. I wish my wife was a lesbian.” We thought it was funny as shit. Yeah, kind of creepy. In that DC is kind of creepy after 11pm anyways, way. Dropped us off in front of the bar.

Things were looking up, the line was short, admission cheap, and a the few girls in line were really hot. Of course started talking to them and was working out a few things. Went inside, got a few drinks and we all started dancing. Then, all of a sudden, I got that strange feeling that I was somewhere I probably shouldn’t be.

Looked around and I quickly noticed that the M:F ratio was once again, unequal. I looked at my Sister, who instantly knew, I knew what was going on and I said, “what the fuck, you brought me to a fucking sausage fest, on fucking New Year’s eve!” She said, “its cool. Plus its too late to go anywhere else.” Now, realizing that I was in a Gay bar, in Adam’s Morgan, in a pink tie, I quickly felt the need to run to the border and pound a few tequila shots. I came back to where the girls were with 3 shots and Jen says, “oh, I don’t like tequila.” Me: “Who said these were for you assholes?” Yes, obviously I was pissed. Like fighting mad pissed. Not that I was in a gay bar, but because the girls I was talking to in line, bailed as soon as they found out what the place was. I think I said something like “the gays chased my girls away.

So, as I continued to get bombed4 my Sister, knowing I am totally pissed went over and talked to a huddle of gay boys. Brought them over to tell me the following, “oh honey, we gave the straights the color pink years ago. Everyone here is keeps talking about the well dressed straight boy and his 2 lesbians. Lets have a drink.” After that was said, we all got bombed and I kissed Jen at midnight. Ended up having a nice time… After the reality of the moment faded.

Moral of the story, never trust my Sister when she suggests a place to go, without double checking with other sources.

1Our first mistake.

2If you ever hear “lets go to Adam’s Morgan, punch that person in the face.

3You couldn’t miss these things, they were a size double G or something. Once, I put her bra on my head and pretended I was working a rice patty. I thought it was funny.

4What else do you do in this situation?

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When the devils nipping at your heels, you know this time it’s for real

Woke up Saturday morning with serious issues. Head pounding and throat sore. More specifically, the taste of chili cheese fries and smoke on my breath. Seriously, not attractive. Yes, I was still drunk when I woke up and it was pretty hard-core. After a mild lobotomy shower I started to feel a bit more human and started to evaluate my current state of overall health… Let’s just say it is rather poor.

I need a solid holiday from the booze and pretty much everything else that is not good for me, that I like oh so much. The usual chain of events is Booze–> Smokes–>Fast Food= shitty next morning. In fact my roommate, who is the voice of reason at times said, “you know if you smoke you are going to feel like shit, you always do.” I am kind of tired of it. There is no need to punish myself chemically, especially when I can beat myself up physically and in the long run feel better about the whole thing. Besides, I had someone that I know cares for me, say something to the effect of slow down, your liver does not like you. Usually, I don’t listen to others, but I heard this persons sincerity and appreciate them for it.

I am taking 30 days off to detox a bit. In fact, I am going to do things a bit differently than just taking 30 days off of booze. I have a tier system step up (in my head of course) to accomplish this small goal. Here is the step up:

30 days no alcohol.

No fast food. (not a huge issue)

No Soda. (not an issue)

After 10 days no processed foods. Crackers, chips, and anything that comes from a box.

Workout (weather permitting):

Biking on Monday, Wednesday, Friday

Swimming on Tuesday, and Thursday

All followed by push-ups and sit-ups to keep the core up.

I know it doesn’t seem like a huge plan, but that’s the point. These are things that are small on their own, but can really add up over a long period of time. Plus, I really push myself. 15 miles on day 20 the next. I tend to really go for it. It is all about my level of motivation and right now, I am feeling it.

My reward for all of this? Well, depending on how the rest of my life comes together, I plan on hitting up the Great American Beer Festival. The way I see it, 30 days of punishment will deserve a solid reward.

Do you have a detox program? How do you cleanse your system?

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Living Wicked indeed

I feel my readers have been truly deprived lately. A lot of me pissing and moaning about silly shit and not enough sexy. Well friends, I am going to fix that. As a connoisseur of tattoo’s and ladies, I would like to welcome you to Foxy Friday! Foxy Fridays: features tattooed females, female artists or women that are sexy, intriguing, and artistic in their own right. Going on the principle that ink and art is sexy and vastly becoming a societal norm, rather than counter culture. These individuals hold both traditional and non-traditional roles in our culture and they need to be celebrated for their overall beauty.

For the inaugural run I bring you a special treat, the luscious Wicked Courtni from Living Wicked:

hairs 030I live with my plate as full as possible at all times. I am a wife, and a mother of 2 beautiful children. I work, write, blog, and I am a full time student.

I am a self-proclaimed addict. Of ink and piercings. My first trip to Los Angeles at the budding age of 17 and a half, I was on a mission to get my first tattoo. I searched high and low for an artist to pop my ink cherry…  but no one would do it. I asked everyone. From Burbank to Venice Beach and all up and down Hollywood Blvd… but was turned away by every single one. Stupid Laws. I had almost given up hope until I found herself at the Slausen Swap Meet. Yes. The one on Crenshaw Blvd. In COMPTON. A very … mean mexican man agreed to tramp-stamp the fuck out of my back. I didn’t care that he didn’t speak a lick of English, or the fact that he called me a “bendeho” at every flinch and grimace.

I was VICTORIOUS.

From then, I wanted more. Each and every drop of ink on my body means something to me. It tells a story of my life. I do not believe in meaningless tattoos. Ones that fill in space … or connect one piece to another. Filler if you will. I think that if you are going to ink yourself, it needs to have a story attached. Any one of my tattoos I could tell you what it meant to me at that time. WHY it was important then and still IS important now.

DSC04447Looking at my back, you might not be able to make sense of what it means. The Kanji up my spine is the combination of my name and my husbands. He has the same one on his forearm. Tattoo’s have become kind of a bonding between us. He has a love for ink like I do, and I would say that he has inspired me to be more liberal in regard to tattoos.

tatt2 002My back piece is a work in progress. The stars represent my firm belief in fate and that those who pass stay with you… their watchful eyes the stars that shine above us. I think that eventually, each star on my back will represent a person who I love and who I have lost. I have a portrait of Marilyn Monroe on my inner thigh. I plan to have more of her inked on me. We share the same birthday, you know … and from a very young age I felt as if I related to her life. Her story. Her passion. She was who she was, as I am who I am. And it didn’t matter what anyone said or thought… she stayed true to what she believed.

6494_1174929250160_1135944317_548784_795295_nI plan on more ink in my future. I am not sure what exactly yet. It will come to me in a wave of inspiration I am sure. It always does. What I am sure of is that the permanence is a part of me. A commitment to who I am. A statement that we can be at whatever place in life that we want to be… and have ink. And show it off. Rock it. Loud and proud.

I am sexier with ink than without it.

Special note: Living Wicked has just written and published her first book entitled Submissive Confessions. Go and check out a 10 page preview and buy the shit out of it!

If you or someone you know would like to be featured on Foxy Friday, please contact JP live and direct at justjpblog (at) gmail (dot) com for more details.

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Never trust a sheep farmer

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

A few years back I lived with a few of my good friends in South Australia. Yes, they are Aussies and had been to the states several times and I was now enjoying their hospitality. Their home was my home and by proxy, their friends were my friends. What happens when you are a 24 plane ride away from your home? Well, you just have to go with the flow and at time you never know where the river will take you.

Enter Farmer Mick: Farmer Mick is a sheep farmer and a demolitions expert. Blowing shit up by day, farming at night. Well, Mick was quite connected in town and knew heaps of people. However, it is true no matter where you go; farmers are not that cultured to city life. The stereo type of an Aussie cowboy Mick was. Down right nice guy and would do anything for you… But would also get you in shit tons of trouble due to his naivety.

10:30 on a random Wednesday night my cell phone rings and its Farmer Mick. He tells me he is on the way over to pick me up and we are going to go to Sumo night at the Nash Noodle House in downtown Geelong. Cool, betting on Sumo, I am there. We arrive and promptly start talking shit and throwing down money and giving the Sumo’s names like “King Tubby” and “Captain Calorie”; what do you expect, we were getting shit tanked on Jager bombs and VB’s. Anyways, we team up with some other dudes Mick knew and a few girls we met at the bar. Sumo concludes, girls want to go to the club. Now, as a visitor I suspect that my guide that came and picked me up, knew the town fairly well or at least the kind of club we were going to. #FAIL Mick had no idea what the place was about and I got the distinct impression that something was awry.

We get to this club and it looks like every other club we had been to on the trip. Long shady stairwell, bouncers that were well dressed and smoking a cig, and of  course us, the asshole brigade. We roll up, fucking hammered, and the bouncer say’s, “you boys aight? You do know where you are at right?” Me: “Of course I am fine. Yeah, I know where I am, do you? We are here with the girls.” Bouncer: *smiles* “aight then, have a lovely evening.”

We stroll in, do a quick survey and do a full scale attack on the bar. As we are pounding more Jager, I begin to get a funny feeling that the M:F ratio is a bit off. Fuck it, I brought my own girls. So, decidedly, we all needed to piss. The boys go before me, as I was a little distracted. Finally, went to it. I walked in and this is where it got weird: I walked in the bathroom and saw some guy talking to another guy from our group, hand on his shoulder and our buddy looked horrified. I said “whats up” and went to to piss.Then out of the corner of my eye, I see our buddy bolt out of the bathroom. Hmm, fuck it. I finish up and start to walk out. As I approach the door, I see the guy that was talking to our buddy, with a funny look on his chevy chase.

As I approached, the dude nodded his head at me as if to say whats up, but I realized he had something in his hand. Remember, I have been drinking Jager all nigh and a bit slow on the uptake. I looked down to see what this asshole was doing and I realized he was holding his cock as if he had just won a prize at the state fair. Kid you not, he say’s “What do you think, you like?” Me: *serious face* “Dude, what the fuck are you doing. This is a fucking bathroom, not a circus. Put that shit away and stop being a fag. What the fuck is wrong with you?” as I am walking out the door. Yep, I just called a dude propositioning me in the bathroom a fag. Then, all of a sudden, things start to fall into place like a fucking movie sequence. I, drunk ass JP, was balls deep in a Aussie gay bar courtesy of Farmer Micks dumb ass.

Now, I have been to many gay bars with my Sis and usually she points out the places to avoid. Being drunk in a strange land, in an undercover bar, I had no idea what was going on around me. Call it ignorant bliss. All until a guy offered me his cock. #NOTCOOL

I find Mick, tell him the score and that I may have created an international incident in the bathroom, I felt it was time to go. Mick, the asshole, tried to debate me on this issue. I was not having it and dragged him down the stairs right past the bouncer. I shit you not, the bouncer looks at me and Say’s “ah, come on now, could have been that bad?” Me: “No it wasn’t that bad. Except for almost getting ass raped in the bathroom by some douche bag.” Bouncer *smiles* “Have a lovely evening gentlemen.”

Wake up the next day and find Red, Rocky, Dane, and Blake in the living room. I proceeded to tell them about my adventure earlier that evening and where Mick had taken me. Dane, pipes up and say’s “mate, you know that place is a gay bar right?” Me: “well at first I didn’t until this fucking gay ninja came out of left Field with his pork sword in hand trying to swash-buckle me!”

We all laughed and they took me to a strip club later that day to and I quote Rocky “Ungay me.” Never trust a sheep farmer…

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So it has been said

I have just confirmed what every ex-girlfriend has ever told me… I am impatient. I am impatient to the point that I stress over the littlest things, that I have absolutely no control over. A week ago last Friday, I interviewed for a major position, that would basically ensure me a bitchin resume within 6 months. Yes, this is most definitely a status position, one I would be very comfortable to posses. The lead up to the interview was a disaster and the panel style interview did not help the situation. I truly feel I did the best I could do.

With that said, it still doesn’t take away that feeling deep down in my gut, that say’s “strong work on the interview, but we decided to go with someone else.” I heard nothing. No call, no email, not even a carrier pigeon. No news is good news right? Yeah, tell that to your girlfriend while she pees on a stick, wondering if it will turn blue. Or while giving blood, to hear if you are a winner of the HIVy award. It is all nerve racking. You feel you know that you covered all your bases, but something deep down is panicking.

Then, the self destructive behavior starts. Yeah, I am totally awesome and can deal with my feelings in an amazingly mature way #Fail. Binge drinking, yelling at people, anti-social behavior, and of course, smoking. All signs that I need to get my head right and get back in the game. I have not heard anything yet and still I act is if the world is melting and I need to go down with it (TWSS). Hell, maybe a hobby will help???

I know this is my own delusional paranoia, personafied by past trauma. I get it. But what the hell? What is the point of this post? I have no idea. All I am saying is I just want the chance to prove to myself, that I can do anything I set my mind to. This waiting thing though, may just be the end of me. Dramatic, yes. Paranoid, oh god yes. Thankful that there are supportive people out there, that listen to my whining; more than you will ever know.

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Sticky Situation

Welcome to TMI Thursdays! As LiLu always says: Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

TMI Thursday

It has been a while since I have put out a good TMI. In light of that, today I bring you a public service announcement JP style. Ladies and some gentlemen (I have diverse readers), listen up, this could happen to you!

Recently I found myself entrenched in a very good, nay epic, session of sexy time. It was a throw down if you will. It was Boston at my house and I was the lead runner in the marathon. Things were all they were billed to be. In the morning or same night, depending on your persepctive, I dropped the young lady off at her house and went back to the honey comb hideout. As I crawled into bed* I felt something tugging on my my shaft.

Well, actually let me start off in the beginning. Before I even embarked on this journey, I did some manscaping, knowing full well what the evening had in store. If I have learned anything in my short time on this earf,  is no one want to play an over grown course if you know what I mean. Smooth as the 18th green. The girl and I went out, had drinks, and closed the bar. On the way out I offered her a piece of gum, because no one wants to kiss drunk breath.**

Well, fast forward to me going to bed and nagging feeling that something was just not right, um, in my world. Reached down, did a 24 point inspection and found a major issue. It seems the gum I had previously given to my date was now hitching a ride on the S.S. JP submarine. Thats right folks, she forgot to take out her gum, before she attached her mouth on my shaft. Now, please realize two things: 1) She blew me early on in the evening and then later as the ceremonies were coming to a close. So, there is no real detailed timeline on this event. 2) The gum was attached and I didn’t realize it, well, due to the events of the evening. I did what any decent man would do, pulled off the foreign object and went to sleep.***

So, the moral of the story ladies (and gentlemen) is: If you are going to blow a guy, take the fucking gum out your mouf!

the_more_you_know2

*My roommate had questions, actually more of a noise compliant due to the preacher man activities on my side of the house.

**Yes, I was thinking of only myself at this point in time. I do have a mild gum addiction and hate skank breath.

***It was only skin contact, because I had manscaped earlier. Plus, I was wicked fucking tired and didn’t give a shit enough to freak out.

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Filed under TMI Thursday

A week in review

Hello once again! I have returned from my epic journey to the District. So, here is a play by play, day by day:

Saturday- The last day the girl and I were together. Was kind of bummed out because I really got to like her and felt like if given the chance it could have really worked out; we both knew the score of the short term relationship. Story of my life. Meet a great girl and she is plucked from my arms.

Sunday- Took girl home. Shane’s wake. Bad day.

Monday- My friends funeral was at 2 and felt an odd sadness the rest of the day. Went to Texas de Brazil with some co-workers and Roomy #1. This place is a carnivores dream land with every kind of meat on skewers on demand. We had so much meat, I was dying of meat death. The place is awesome! Though, on the way out, like within 5 minutes of leaving the restaurant, my roommate says,  “um, I need to use the restroom all that meat went right trough me.” I asked if Burger King would work and she said it would, thus proving it’s emergent nature. She was gone for 20 minutes. When she finally emerged, I asked WTF? This is what she tole me after dropping a deuce: “I was in the first stall and there was no toilet paper, so I had to waddle to the handicap stall. I get there and not only did they not have tp, there were no paper towels either! Looked in my purse and there was nothing. Took a deep breath and said a prayer and waddled out to the main floor of the bathroom to get paper towels with my pants around my ankles, still in desperate need of a good wipe.” I about died from laughing so damn much.

Tuesday- Went to work with a meat hangover and yes, this can happen. Was a slacker at the best description. Went with Roomy #1 to get sushi with our friend. Great evening of catching up and reminiscing about the mid-west.

Wednesday- Alarm went off at 3:50 am. and I was on the road headed north by 4:30. After a cup of coffee, 2 red bulls, 2 waters, and a half of a slim jim that I shared with my dog, I arrived in my apartment in Va. at 5:30. Showered and hungry, I met up with the DC Princess for dinner at Oyamel. Though I was the social equivalent of a zombie, it was a very nice time. The food there was beyond amazing. We had the guacamole (could have just eaten this) and their salsa, which was nicely spiced. A couple of tacos and a few margaritas. This was truly a great way to start my trip off.

Thursday- Went to lunch with Lizard Breath at Gordon Biersch and hit on the waitress and stared at women. It was a good time. I was going to head up to the University to fill out paperwork, but opted for a nap. Made a few strategic phone calls about possible career opportunities. Then the friends showed up and the vodka flowed. Around 11 our neighbor Jude showed up and it just came unglued. This girl can drink! She left around 3??? I think I fell asleep around 4.

Friday- Woke up slightly fuzzy. Went out to my car to get my Smart trip card and a pair of sunglasses… What. The. Fuck! My car was GONE. Yes, gone. Now, I may or may not have overreacted at this point (please see JP melted the fuck down) when went to the leasing office to find out what had happened. It was parked in the visitors section, but parked right next to the space that had visitor written on it. Oh yea, did I mention it was 12 and my interview was down in the heart of Georgetown? Yea, it was like that. Found out it would cost me $150.00 to get my car. Caught the Metro into town. Got off at Foggy Bottom and decided it would be quicker to walk to to my destination, in the middle of a warm Summer day, in a suit. Fail! Made it with 10 minutes to spare, sweating my balls off! Had the interview that was supposed to last an hour, it went an hour and half. Very cool. I did my best, but I am very worried I will get beat out by someone with more experience. Made it home by 7pm. I was wiped and broke. Here is where I totally apologise to everyone who came out to happy hour. I really wanted to go but just didn’t have it in me time or money wise to make it back into town. I promise I will make it up to you!!!

Saturday- Went and got my car and paid the $150.00 while talking shit the entire time, because some times I can’t let shit go. Loaded up the car and went to Fredrick Maryland to see some friends. Went to Brewer’s Alley for lunch and ridiculous conversation. Got home around 8 and went back out to Champs to meet some friends. By this time I hated people and was drained.

Sunday- Alarm went off at 4:30 am and i was on the road at 5. 1 cup of coffee, 2 red bulls, and half a hot-dog I shared with my dog, I made it to my house in Orlando by 5:30 pm.  Wiped. Out.

Today- I am still wiped and a bit stressed about the potential job. I think it would be an awesome fit for me and I could do amazing things there. So, I now must play the waiting game. Shoot me! So, it is what it is and I will keep you posted.

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Donkey Kong doesn’t even know the scope of how on it is.

First off, sorry for laying the heavy post on you yesterday. I needed to get it out of my system before it ate me alive. Now, on to more pressing issues…

Okay, I will be MIA all next week because my calender is stacked full of insanity. I have like 3 dinners to go to, girl I have been seeing is leaving, a wake, a funeral, road trip to my house, a job interview to rock out and a Happy Hour to crash; hosted by the ever sexy Lexa and LiLu an the awesome Restaurant Refugee. Don’t forget to tip your servers!

Hosted By Lexa, LiLu, and Restaurant Refugee

Hosted By Lexa, LiLu, and Restaurant Refugee

So, if you want to catch up and chat with or hell even meet with, yours truly, come on by. I will be reprezentin in full effect that night. Hell, we may even do some puma hunting. So, come by and lose your face! Don’t worry, you can aways plead da 1, 2, 3, 4,  FIF!!!

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Pour one out for your hommies

Unfortunately, this post is appropriately titled. I received some bad news today about a friend of mine that died while lobster diving. Early news says it was a pulmonary embolism, which can, well, wreck your day. This hit me pretty hard and I am feeling uneasy about  this as this is my 3rd friend just this year. I have a very strange and weird relationship with death and no longer ask “why?”

Yoni- Knew this guy from high school and we used to surf together. Cool dude. Tattoo artist and had 2 kids and a wife he very much loved. I never knew he had issues, until I got the call that he threw himself off a bridge. How did I feel? Indifferent and sad. Sad that he went out that way. Not because he was dead, just because he had so much potential ahead of him.

Adam- A guy I grew up with. Surfed with. Worked with. Killed on his motorcycle when hit by a drunk driver. He was 25. Just started his own business and had a great girlfriend. I got a call from our former boss to tell me the news. How did I feel? Disbelief and anger. Angry that this woman pulled out in front of him and took him out. He was just getting going.

Shane- I’ve known Shane for about 8 years. He was a fellow firefighter for the city I worked in and he was my preceptor when I did my rotations during EMS/Fire school. I also worked with his wife on the night shift in the ER. In fact, I remember when they started dating and when they got married. I wish I could be half the man Shane was. I got the text message at work. In fact I was chatting with a friend when it rolled though. How do I feel? Really upset. A strange sadness has hit me.

Why would this death be different? Simple, the fire and emergency services community is like a gang. You cannot get out. Even if someone in that gang hates you, if you are in trouble, they would step up to help. Shane’s wife and I worked almost the same shift for 7 years. In fact we worked so well together, that we always made sure we were together, especially when we were assigned to trauma or “fast track.” We knew what needed to be done and we always had each others back. We were not BFF, but we were down. The kind of down that no words needed to be spoken. She was a constant supporter of anything I did, giving me words of encouragement. She also would break my balls if I stepped out of line and had no problem telling me what was up.

How does this relate to Shane? Simple, my friend fiercely loved him. The woman that had my back for 7 years is now in pain and I can do nothing about it. The medical examiner will not let her see his body. She is in pain and I feel for her. For once, all I can offer my friend is the same generic condolences we offered our patients… it kills me! I am getting to a point in my life where I am seriously thinking about my future in every possible way. What if my wife was taken from me, I wouldn’t want generic “I am sorry’s.” Plus, from day one in school you are told you will die. To die in service and with your brothers in the most honorable thing you can ever do. If you happen to make it to retirement, you will probably die from something you picked up during your term of service; cancer, mesothelioma, hepatitis, anything. Your death would be honored. To be taken out by a PE, that is tough one to take. It hits you with no consolation prize. No epic saga of your deeds. Robbed.

I do however, find it interesting that even though I have been away for 2 years, I still get the messages. My friends who are hurting, like me, reach out to those who will always be there as a support system. I haven’t talked to her in 2 years, but it doesn’t matter. Our professional relationship is a deeply rooted personal one. In that enviroment, the two are not seperate. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, where do we go from here. I want to let it out and move on. Though, it won’t happen now, it will happen when I am at the services and every fire fighter in the county is there. Dressed in their Class A’s as the bagpipes come down the isle. You want to see an entire room of grown men, fire fighters, cry? Just watch and listen as amazing grace is played through the pipes. That scares the shit out of me. Those tones are all too familiar. It is my mortal fear. Just to know that in the Fir Na Tine tradition, the pipes call our brother home. Below is a traditional send off. The way Shane and all other firefighters of honor get sent off. I could only be so lucky to have the pipes lead me home one day.

A wife has lost a husband. Community has lost a saint. A friend will weep for all.

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Who would play you?

A friend of mine asked me a few days ago, if a movie was made about your life, who would they get to play you? This got me thinking a bit about this and I came to the conclusion that a movie would not represent my life. A t.v. show would be a better representation. Then I thought, well instead of who would play me, what characters now most represent my personality? I told him this evolution of thought and he then asked, “okay, what character now bests represents you?” Funny thing is, like the voices in my head I don’t think one depiction could best portray me. So, below are 3 examples of my “personality characters.”

  • Rescue Me’s “Tommy Gavin”- A dysfunctional Irish firefighter that sees the ghosts of former family member and patients. He is the guy always willing to do what needs to be done in an emergency situation and will always bail out his fellow crew. It is because of this that his personal life suffers greatly.Personal tragedy has molded him, but does not define him. His relationship with the recurring women in his life could be defined as masochistic.                                              200px-Tommy-badass
  • Scrub’s “Dr. Perry Cox”- A well educated Irish Chief of Medicine, who’s ego could engulf the entire hospital building. Sarcastic, narcissistic, and quick witted with his own brand of philosophy dubbed “coxian” He goes for the strong willed women that have a dysfunction to match his. Though his sister is uber religious, Perry is a harden atheist. Seen making illogical and self destructive choices to retain a self delusional image. Will go on long winded rants about the things he hates. Often accused of drinking too much and having a general disdain for humanity, Perry shows that he is superior at his job and will go the extra mile to do right by his patients.200px-Drcox_scrubs
  • King of Queen’s “Doug Heffernan”-Is a pretty mellow average guy who enjoys his food. Has a smoking hot wife that loves him, even though he is “chubby.” Always surrounded by a core group of interesting and diverse friends, Doug is the ring leader of the group. He is portrayed to be average or slacker at work, he is very dedicated while there and consistently out performs his fellow employees. He has ambitions of owning his own sandwich shop and consistently battles with his crazy live in father-in-law. images

What t.v. or movie character would you be?

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Filed under Non-Sense

Transition

With all the new and exciting things going on in my hood, reality kind of kicked me in the balls the other day. I was on the phone with the admission director for the masters program and told her I would accept the Spring 2010 position. Hung up the phone, looked around, and said, “oh shit. This just got real!” Had a small, “what the hell am I doing” existential freak out and my mind was going a mile a second. I just made shit real.

Its mellow. It took me by surprise a bit, in a good way. See, I have been dragging my feet a bit and just “going through the motions” of relocating and pulling my shit together. Well, now that I have a goal set things are finally feeling as if I am on my way; to where I do not know. Well, I have got school locked down and 2 days after I got the news, I lined up an interview with a really significant place that will only improve my resume. This goes down next Friday and I am totally pumped.I am way under qualified, but I feel if I give it a shot, it will be great practice for anything in the future. I hope it works out, but I know the reality involved.

In preparation for this interview and other things I started boxing more of my shit up. I mean to find out how much shit can fit in a Lincoln Town car. The interesting thing that kind of sealed the “feeling deal”, was a conversation with the girl I have bee seeing the past few weeks. She told me that she heads to Chicago the day I leave to DC. Side note: This is not the first time I have had a temporary relationship while plotting my next move, it seems to be my thing. Anyways, it just put the nail in the proverbial coffin for me, knowing that while I am here, it is temporary.

Another realization after this past weekend, is that I am ready to move on in life. I want a professional career and a strong woman to be with. For years I struggled to put things together. I was not disadvantaged but at the same time I had no edge. I know what it means to struggle and have nothing. To make it on your own and do things your own way. Lots of lessons learned on this path. Now, I am ready to explore, not necessarily jump into, the potential of a long term situation. Let’s face it, I am not the best looking guy and a bit over weight, and I am sure over time it will only be in decline. I am 28 and feel a new chapter is ready to be written. The good thing is, I am focused challenged have a goal insight to thwart my boredom.

So, renewed with confidence and potential on the horizon, I am moving more of my shit to my empty room in the DC metro area. I am coming in next week and hope to meet up with everyone. It could go 2 ways. 1) Totally pumped from the interview 2) totally bummed from the interview. Either way means that I will be out on the town Friday night. So look out DC, JP’s coming home!

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I am leaving dis babylon

A couple things short and sweet:

If you like reggae music you should check out the album Movement by the Rootz Underground. Bad ass tracks. Picked them up last night. God, I have a horrible addiction to ITunes.

I received an email yesterday from a large university in the DC metro area telling me I was accepted to the Master’s program I have been sweating for about a year. I have a Fall (like 4 weeks) option or Spring option. When I got the news I did a happy dance similar to this guy:

So I have to sort out my life very quickly and either pull the trigger or take a breather. Either way, I am totally stoked. Stay tuned as I will probably flip a coin or something like that to decide.

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Can I get an amen from the back section?

That’s what she said!

I am feeling a bit refreshed and sort of back on wire. While off and about I found out a few things about myself, lets call it awareness. I go through phases where I feel the need to do something drastic. I wanted to destroy my blog and twitter, just to say I was almost there. Then I got angry letters where my balls may have been put in harms way if I did. Instead, I blanked out a myspace account that was causing me to doubt myself as an American, yes as an American.

Well back to my point. I had an eventful week or so. I discovered some things that opened my eyes to my new life direction. Nothing like an ephifany, but just a good mellow realization that I may be evolving. Anyways, here is what I was up to:

  • Went out with the girl and had a nice dinner and a hung out. Found out she likes PBR, crazy British gangster movies, speaks fluent Spanish, and comes from a similar low-income mid-west background. It is really nice to have a distraction like her. She will only be here another 3 weeks or so and hopefully, so will I. To be honest, if she was a long termer, I would be in trouble. In fact she came with me to the local watering hole and she was totally mellow. The parting moments are always my favorite. Bonus.
  • Found out someone I am interested has a small crush on me. I still don’t believe it, but I like it. It is always nice to know someone is interested in you and not for something you “are” or “have”.
  • I was visited by the ink fairy2009-07-17 22.12.58
  • Let me just tell you, sitting for hours on end having your friend drill on you is not the best idea. I did discover that if you put a bendy straw in a tall boy of PBR, you can lay down and drink comfortably.
  • I hosted a B-B-Q and about 12 friends show up. We totally threw down! My mom and a few of her friends dropped in. It was classic, my buddy Jimbo was wearing a “I like Whores” shirt and was hitting on my mom’s friend. food was good, beer was cold, and we had a good time.
  • I told my boss I have one foot out the door and the other on a banana peel. Still waiting for that call!
  • Made plans with the girl for this week.
  • Realized I may be ready to find someone to cool my heels with. To be honest I am lonely. Let me rephrase, I miss having a partner in crime that is a support and inspiration. I may be on the look out for this person now.
  • Returned to work just in time for the busy season once again. I cannot wait to get out of there.

So, as you can see nothing too exciting. But I have to say, I do not like writing unless I am inspired. This inspiration comes from music. In fact when I sit down to write, a song typically flows through my mind. For some reason the music has stopped. Maybe a spark or an adventure is needed to get the flow going again.

Anyways, as always, thanks for reading. Hopefully the music will return soon and the inspiration will move me once again.

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Like all my relationships

I am on again, off again with this site. It is my outlet, but at the same time I want to destroy it and move on. I am sure I will get over this soon, but for the time being I am taking a break.It seems that when my work and home life get busy I expend all my energy there and none is left for the Gospel.

I should be checking back next week and will regale you stories about my past few dates and the evolution of all things JP. So, keep an eye out on your readers, I will be popping back up soon. btw: I am really backed up on my own reader, but I am still lurking on my fellow blogger’s sites. So, check them out, there are good things going on.

JP

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My life does not suck

Very random things happen to me on the regular. So much so, that I do not think twice when something “questionable” pops up on my radar. Last night was no different. I received this text message at 7:45 last night:

“Hey whats up? You probly don’t remember me. We met last month when your friend was “cougar hunting” Would you be up for a drink?”

Me: “I can’t say I do. Which friend and where did the hunt occur? I may be available.”

Her: Haha. Started at Dexters, then failed attempt at Circa, then Fids. I was the youngest blond from MI who drinks whiskey.”

Me: LOL! I remember you. Yea, I am in.

Ladies and gentlemen I met this girl during an epic battle with beer fest as highlighted in my Back to our regularly scheduled program post. This girl was totally awesome to hangout with, so I was totally in. Told her to meet me at the wine place and hit the shower.

Now, it can be very daunting to anyone who is going to meet up with someone that you met, when you basically drank yo’ face straight off. I remembered she was beautiful and blond, but that’s about it.

Wow! My memory was really fuzzy! This girl was 100% my speed. 5’3″ thick in the right places, blue eyes, blond hair, and very well dressed. Walked up and was greeted with a beautiful smile and a hug. *Bam*Sat down and we both ordered a beer. In fact she was like, I am going to try the watermelon beer, because it sounds interesting. *God, I hope you are not effin with me*

The conversation flowed. In fact this was a model date. Relaxed, interesting vibrant and intelligent. In fact, this girl is what I needed. She attends med school in my home state and is 9 months away from graduating. Is in town doing one of her last rotations and called me because she had fun, last time we were out.

We moved onto another bar and the tone and relevance of the conversation kept up. There was no trying and it glorious. We decided to call it a night, because we both had to show up to work and I walked her to her car. Opened the door for her, leaned in, and kissed the softest lips I have ever felt. Full, luscious, and unadulterated. What.A. Kiss! There is nothing worse than going out with someone and having a great time and then you kiss them… FAIL. Not with this girl. Like the entire evening, it was epic.

We parted ways smiling and making plans for a reunion tour later this weekend, both tinged with a bit of blush.

One the way home, I decided I needed to pick up some items from the 7-11 and who do I see? My old surfing crew from the mid-90’s! Awesome! They invited me back to their place for a beer and I obliged. Got back to their joint and I regaled them with my tales from the evening. I received several, well deserved, high fives. During this time, I received a text that read “Had fun tonight, call me soon.”

Just when I thought it couldn’t get better, as I am leaving, my friend Bonnie, who I have always had a crush on stopped me at the door and said; “I was worried about you back in the day. Worried about the kind of man you would be. I like what you have become and I am proud that you are not only a gentleman, but a success in your own right. I know you had a rough time when you were younger, but you have overcome.”

Wow, that just happened. I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek thanking her for the kind and passionate words.

Got in bed around 3:30 to be woken up by my alarm at 6:55 am. Smiling. Hell as I write this, I have a grin.I am going to play the lottery today.

EPIC!

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New Year, New Place

If I am still showing up in your reader, I thank you. Thank you for stopping by and hope you have enjoyed it. I picked back up a bit ago in need of an outlet, but changed it up a bit. I have redirected my writing onto an ongoing project over at www.jpindc.com and invite you to swing on by. I am still tweaking the site layout, but while I am doing so, Iwill still be posting.

Look forward to seeing you once again.

JP

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Rudie don’t Fear

 

4 years ago I decided that I was going to go full force and lock down what I have always wanted to do; get paid to travel and mix it up with the locals. 1 year ago I chose to leave pack up and blow outta town. Thats what I did. I left family, friends, good dive bars, and women behind in the dust. I did this with one goal in mind: Take over as much of DC as possible and hustle like a triple beam ni$$a!.

I arrived during #snowpacalypse after leaving everything and draining my entire savings. No job, no real prospects, and no money. But. But, somehow it all worked out. It always does. Somehow or someway I always pull the wildest shit out at the last minute. However, even though I make it work, I wake up everyday waiting for my world to come crashing down. It is the juxtaposition that is my life. Success v. Darkness. Though, this has always been par for the proverbial course. Think of it this way, I have an awesome job that I fell ass-backwards into, then in 3 months, got a wicked promotion. I earned straight A’s in 3 grad classes while working 40 hours a week and looking for a new place to live. I hustle and just don’t know any better.

JP, why are you tweakin or rambling on about? Simple, I am taking a test (no, not the one that will end me up on Maury) that will allow me to proceed with my “dream” plans. The test that 9 out of 10 people fail their first time. I know this, my friends that have taken before me have laid out what a whore it is…twss. So why am I worked up? I have no idea, but I can pin-point what beer on saturday night that spun my head around about it. I don’t know, I am just freaking out. I want to pass it and get moving with shit. I am freaking out because this is why I moved, this is why I am taking 2 masters and 2 Ph.D. level courses, all the while working 40 hours and making my appearance in a shady neighborhood in the middle of the night. This is why I call DC my home.

The reason I am tweakin, basically, I feel unprepared. I feel that my luck has to be running out. I feel that I have wanted this for so long, that I do not want to be disappointed… or heart broken. I feel that in the past few months I have really been putting myself out there and have not been my usual guarded disgruntled self. I feel I have evolved into someone that I don’t recognize, but respect and could get to like. This test has really put a revolver to my heart and spun the magazine.Dramatic, yes. It is what it is and I am who I am.

So, if you see me out in DC tomorrow night and chances are that you will, just nod your head and act like none of this happen. Hit me with some daps, but keep your lips silent. Always feel free to do a shot.

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And I bid you Adieu!

It has been a few months since I have posted, well, anything. There is a good reason for this and let me splain youse…

I moved to DC with a hierarchy of goals in mind and at the top of my list graduate school. So, pulled the trigger and moved. Made to the Deez C and hit the ground running. I have now been in the town for a few months and embarked on the psychotic journey that I call my life. I now work 40 hours a week at a job where I do not have internet or the ability to communicate with the outside world, needless to say, I will be finding a new job. I am also taking 3 graduate courses, to include weekend classes as well. Yes, my life is a bit off the chain right now. As I type this my roommates are moving out and I have to find a new joint closer to the city, as well as finding a new car due to the Wolverine incident.

Just JP

I started this blog as a way to keep writing, so not to lose any edge while waiting for classes to begin. Now that I am balls deep in school, I am going to cut this space loose. I enjoyed having an outlet and a place that I can rant, rave, and basically let me be me. I have met some awesome people through this blog and some crazy ass people too. It all comes with the territory I guess. All in all I would not trade it, nor would I do anything different.

JP

I feel this blog was only one side of myself, the nonsensical side, and I am glad that you dropped by to share in it. I would like to leave you with these parting words:

This will be my last confession,
Liberty can leave harsh impressions,
I have little faith forgive me for my past discretions,
But we live and learn that history and past are lessons,
Ive always played the hand I was given,
No exceptions here humanitys driven,
You see all men are born equal, just the standard of living,
That differs between the Jewish, Adriatic and Christian,
Im a logical man given to science,
Forgive me I know religion inspires,The day this is work the love of it dies, A handful make it, the others will strive,
And hunger can drive hatred but such is just life,
I guess jealousys the curse that the struggle inspires,
These critics seek to break and divide,
I know Im bitter but my faith is divine,
Take it in stride yeah I act like I hate it at times,
But I found love through this music and a place to reside,
For every friend I have an eager opponent,
For every cent I spent on meager components,
I gave something back so I dont feel the need for atonement,
Cause we all get our hands dirty when were seizing the moment.

Again, thanks for coming by for the past year or so! Be sure to keep up with me on Twitter, JustJPTweet, so you can keep up with my insanity. If you see me on the streets, just say hi to a guy named JP.
For all the ladies heartbroken and seeking a male perspective on things, check out my friends:

Don’t forget to check out everyone else too!

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Filed under Booze, Foxy Friday, Friends, Life, Non-Sense

I just am not a patient person

Lets discuss my dating life for a moment. I have been having a good run for a while now and you may remember when I decided to amp it up a bit by using dating websites. I have met some wonderful women and some total bums on my way through this little journey in single town.

Though, all these experiences and time put in, I have reaffirmed that I am not a patient person… let me splain:

Online dating takes a lot of time and energy. Yes, I know what you are thinking, “JP, why are you concerned with time, you have no job?” Great point! The reason is sometimes the nuances in human speech is not picked up via email or text. It takes more time and effort than I am willing to put in, to come across my charming self. Let’s face it, I can come across kind of, well, weird and creepy at times due to my strange references. Take the “human meat” reference, (Sunny fan’s should click that) when I told a woman that we should hit the morgue with a hot plate, referring to where we should go to dinner, she didn’t think it was funny.

Then there was this other girl who kind of got me, but she may have been a little too much (okay I may have been drinking when I wrote this). Here is an excerpt from an email exchange in regards to a photo montage on her profile:

JP- I really like the way you assembled your photos; very entertaining. I thought, “wow, she’s right because if one was to fight crime, a drink would definitely be in order.” By the way, who did win the epic “mortal combat” fight?Keep your pimp hand strong, JP
Girl- It’s true. If you ever get into the crime fighting business, drinks are a key to success. They allow the crime fighter to give the criminal a head start on their dastardly deeds or attempted escapes. The head start is another key because every successful crime fighter must make a dramatic entrance where all hope seems gone. Chuck Norris won the mortal combat fight. Chuck Norris is what I named my left leg. My pimp hand is named Silver Tongue A. Shizzle. When you’re as strong as me, the individual muscles and parts must be given their own identities.
JP- What would be the best drink to fight crime with? I mean tequila would certainly get things moving in the right direction, but I feel a scotch would be the optimum choice; eloquent and strong all rolled up in one. I like your dramatic entrance theory. It adds the element of both suspense and surprise. That it totally the way to go.I am not sure Chuck Norris can be your leg, because he is currently hanging out in my beard, popping out and punching unsuspecting individuals. I do however respect any woman with a strong pimp hand, but Tongue A. Shizzle sounds very wrong on so many levels. Say it out loud and you will see what I mean.
Girl- Pimp hands have to have sleazy sounding names. It’s the law. And I uphold the law. Beards holding individuals who punch unsuspecting individuals seems like it might be bordering on non-lawful activities. You better get control over your beard lest it become subject to my leg (i.e., the real CN) in my crime fighting engagements.
JP- Well, if it’s the law I need to work on a name for mine. Oh, you don’t control the beard! The beard has its own law. Kind of like Jules Winnfield (JW). He will quote you some Ezekiel 25:17 while he sorts you out. So, I will allow you CN and put him up against JW at any time, as he is “the tyranny of evil men”… now that i think about it, I may have to shave for an upcoming interview. Damn. When you are not crime fighting and getting into mortal combats, what kind of things do you like to do? Are there any good hang out spots to visit?
Girl- There are a lot of places to have beer and talk. Unfortunately, I often don’t know where I have wound up. I know I’ve been to at least a couple of the bars you mentioned, but I couldn’t tell you anything about them. I now realize I am a sheep when it comes to bars. This lowers my cool factor by a few points. Now I’m going to have to go do something to make up those points, like steal a pair of aviators from the local trendy shop. You’re beard’s criminal nature is trying to reincarnate itself into me. Unappreciated.
JP- Viva la goatee! (like viva la raza, just more goat like) So, you wander around aimlessly throughout DC, bouncing place to place? I think that raises you cool points at least +10. Also, if you steal a pair of aviators, you get double points if you swipe an Ed Hardy shirt with a skull on it. Because you can’t have a trendy hipster unless they wear a well-known tattoo artist’s clothing, sans personal tattoo’s. Oh, and a trucker hat…just tossing that out there. I see the beard is trying to manifest itself through you. Do you have a favorite place to hangout? What kind of things do you enjoy doing on the weekend?
Girl- I happen to have a shirt with a skull on it and a trucker hat – and I didn’t pay a dime for either item. How many points does that put me at? The school library is my favorite place to hang out. I enjoy reading big words and writing boring papers on the weekend. What about you?

So as you can see above, I lost interest around this point. Fun back and forth? Yes. Kind of a time killer to put out a one-sided anecdote and waiting for an equal or less than reply, not my speed. In fact, I probably would not have given this (time+investment= payoff) theory any thought, if a date the other night had not asked me, so how is (insert dating site) going for you. I went on to explain that I was bored with it and that I am better in person (TWSS).

I have decided to just leave the online dating to people with no social skills. My jokes, insights, and general conversation points, are not conducive to on-line interaction. I am and always have been, a personable individual. So, with that, I need to get out more and explore this wonderful city and stay away from the on-line creepers.

Oh, on another note: Being unemployed and trying to date, is fucking lame and I feel really bad about it. Nothing is worse than having to tell a woman, Umm, can we do something low-key? When what I really want to say is, I would really like to take you to Restaurant Eve… Yes, my ego and pride has taken a huge hit lately. It’s probably for the best though, to keep my ass in check.

I thought this was fitting

So long and thanks for all the fish…

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